3When Bad Comedians Attack!
Spider-Man and Groucho enter some opened doors leading to the inside of the steel cage. Each show competitive glances, although Groucho looks more ridiculous than competitive.
SPIDER-MAN: Get ready to be marked up.
GROUCHO: HEY! The puns are mine, itsy bitsy spider!
SPIDER-MAN: I already heard that one. Green Goblin used it.
GROUCHO: Well that's no fun!
SPIDER-MAN: What would you know about fun, hunchback?
GROUCHO: A lot more than you, "arach-man"! I'm a professional comedian!
SPIDER-MAN: Yet you didn't save a pun for that last line! Some comedian you are!
FATMAN: (laughs) Alright, let's save it for the actual match, you two!
DREW: What are you doing?! It was about to get to the really good part!
FATMAN: Well, if I don't host, then I'm out of a job, and if I'm out of a job, I don't get any money, and if I don't have any money, it's back to the treasure caves!
DREW: Like I care. I just chose you for a co-host because you were available!
FATMAN: Which if we keep this up, I won't be!
DREW: Blah, blah, blah. All you talk about is yourself. "I, I, I". If I were you, I would be more generous and courteous, and…
Chuckie interrupts and takes out a knife.
CHUCKIE: Alright you two! Host this thang or I'll be hosting the both of you's in a graveyard!
DREW: Ermm, okay. …right. Let the match begins.
Will Turner rings the tiny bell with Jack's confiscated sword.
ROUND 1!
Spider-Man and Groucho circle each other, simply waiting for an opening. Spidey acts first, and shoots a stream of web to the ceiling of the cage, and the web hooks around the steel lattice covering. Spidey lifts himself to the ceiling and holds himself up.
GROUCHO: Hey! No fair using superpowers!
SPIDER-MAN: Well you have one too!
GROUCHO: You mean my abstract concept to confuse individuals with my network of amusing gags?
SPIDEY: Err…something like that.
GROUCHO: Well, I just used it!
Groucho grabs Spidey and throws him on the floor. He then body slams him and throws him into the wall.
DREW: Ooh, that had to hurt!
SPIDEY: Why don't you come down here? Then I'll show you "hurt"!
DREW: On second thought, I'll stay right here.
GROUCHO: Smart move, fuzzy.
Spidey swings himself at Groucho like Tarzan, then traps Groucho in a web.
GROUCHO: Is that the best you've got?
Groucho flexes, and the webs come off of him.
GROUCHO: Now let's see how much you like the taste of a cigar!
SPIDEY: Sorry, I don't smoke.
GROUCHO: No, not that kind of cigar.
Groucho throws a lit cigar at Spidey, and it explodes upon impact.
GROUCHO: How do you like that, Mr. My-Opponent-Doesn't-Have-Any-Super-Powers?
SPIDEY: Oh it's alright with me.
Spidey takes out one of the Green Goblin's pumpkin grenades and throws it at Groucho.
GROUCHO: Let me guess. You borrowed them when you were in Spider-Man: Friend or Foe.
SPIDEY: Ayup!
GROUCHO: Time to put my secret plan in action.
SPIDEY: (Thoughts are underlined.) Time to put my secret plan in action. Whoa, déjà vu!
GROUCHO: That's what it's called.
SPIDEY: That's what it's called. STOP IT!
Spidey is shaking and his hands are locked tightly on his ears.
DREW: What the (beep) is going on?
FATMAN: Methinks Groucho is somehow gaining the upper hand.
DREW: Oh I can see that, Mr. Obvious!
FATMAN: Are you trying to make a point?
DREW: YEAH! I'M TRYING TO MAKE WAR!
A random hippy comes out of the audience.
HIPPY: Hey dudes, make peace, not war.
DREW: Get out of my way you hippy freak!
HIPPY: It's not nice to call people freaks.
DREW: SHUT UP!
HIPPY: Maybe I should call the ASPCA.
DREW: WHAT?!
HIPPY: You're acting like a victim.
(Flashback)
SPIDEY: STOP IT!
GROUCHO: No.
SPIDEY: No. I…can't…take it anymore!
Spidey is falling onto his knees. Drew is dog piling the hippy.
FATMAN: Since Drew is busy, it's my job to say that Groucho wins!
Victory: GROUCHO! GROUCHO! GROUCHO! O CANADA!
FATMAN: Didn't know where that came from. Anyway…
Fatman's cell phone rings.
FATMAN: Hello? Yes. Mmm…okay. See you in eleven seconds.
Fatman hangs up.
FATMAN: It appears we have a surprise competitor. He has come to battle Spider-Man.
A large garage door opens up to reveal a robot. It walks into the arena.
SPIDEY: …Who are you?
The robot only talks by typing words on a screen on its face.
ROBOT: i Am cApS lOcK mAn!
SPIDEY: Okay…and what do you do?
CAPS LOCK MAN: I sCrAmBlE yOuR sPeEcH tO tExT!
spidey; oH NO! mY SPEECH IS GETTING MIXED UP AS SPEAK! NO oH! HAPPENING IS ALREADY iT!
FATMAN: Luckily, the hosting box is resistant to text-based assassinations! We'll get back to you as soon as someone wins!
PLEASE STAND BY
30 MILLISECONDS LATER
FATMAN: Spider-Man won by making the robot overload! But he was still beaten by Groucho Marx, so he still loses. Isn't that great?
SPIDEY: Can I keep the robot's torn-off head as a trophy?
FATMAN: No.
Drew finishes the fight with the hippy. Drew lost, and comes backs with bruises and cuts.
FATMAN: What just happened to you?
DREW: I don't want to talk about it.
Drew spontaneously becomes psychotically happy again.
DREW: Anyway, Team 2 gets a point and the next match is "Shrek Versus Santa"!
SANTA: You'd better watch out!
SHREK: Why should I worry? You're a fairytale character that is totally defenseless.
SANTA: You must have not read my latest book, "'Twas the Night before Christmas 2: Santa's Dark Side"…Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!