When Bad Comedians Attack!

Spider-Man and Groucho enter some opened doors leading to the inside of the steel cage. Each show competitive glances, although Groucho looks more ridiculous than competitive.

SPIDER-MAN: Get ready to be marked up.

GROUCHO: HEY! The puns are mine, itsy bitsy spider!

SPIDER-MAN: I already heard that one. Green Goblin used it.

GROUCHO: Well that's no fun!

SPIDER-MAN: What would you know about fun, hunchback?

GROUCHO: A lot more than you, "arach-man"! I'm a professional comedian!

SPIDER-MAN: Yet you didn't save a pun for that last line! Some comedian you are!

FATMAN: (laughs) Alright, let's save it for the actual match, you two!

DREW: What are you doing?! It was about to get to the really good part!

FATMAN: Well, if I don't host, then I'm out of a job, and if I'm out of a job, I don't get any money, and if I don't have any money, it's back to the treasure caves!

DREW: Like I care. I just chose you for a co-host because you were available!

FATMAN: Which if we keep this up, I won't be!

DREW: Blah, blah, blah. All you talk about is yourself. "I, I, I". If I were you, I would be more generous and courteous, and…

Chuckie interrupts and takes out a knife.

CHUCKIE: Alright you two! Host this thang or I'll be hosting the both of you's in a graveyard!

DREW: Ermm, okay. …right. Let the match begins.

Will Turner rings the tiny bell with Jack's confiscated sword.

ROUND 1!

Spider-Man and Groucho circle each other, simply waiting for an opening. Spidey acts first, and shoots a stream of web to the ceiling of the cage, and the web hooks around the steel lattice covering. Spidey lifts himself to the ceiling and holds himself up.

GROUCHO: Hey! No fair using superpowers!

SPIDER-MAN: Well you have one too!

GROUCHO: You mean my abstract concept to confuse individuals with my network of amusing gags?

SPIDEY: Err…something like that.

GROUCHO: Well, I just used it!

Groucho grabs Spidey and throws him on the floor. He then body slams him and throws him into the wall.

DREW: Ooh, that had to hurt!

SPIDEY: Why don't you come down here? Then I'll show you "hurt"!

DREW: On second thought, I'll stay right here.

GROUCHO: Smart move, fuzzy.

Spidey swings himself at Groucho like Tarzan, then traps Groucho in a web.

GROUCHO: Is that the best you've got?

Groucho flexes, and the webs come off of him.

GROUCHO: Now let's see how much you like the taste of a cigar!

SPIDEY: Sorry, I don't smoke.

GROUCHO: No, not that kind of cigar.

Groucho throws a lit cigar at Spidey, and it explodes upon impact.

GROUCHO: How do you like that, Mr. My-Opponent-Doesn't-Have-Any-Super-Powers?

SPIDEY: Oh it's alright with me.

Spidey takes out one of the Green Goblin's pumpkin grenades and throws it at Groucho.

GROUCHO: Let me guess. You borrowed them when you were in Spider-Man: Friend or Foe.

SPIDEY: Ayup!

GROUCHO: Time to put my secret plan in action.

SPIDEY: (Thoughts are underlined.) Time to put my secret plan in action. Whoa, déjà vu!

GROUCHO: That's what it's called.

SPIDEY: That's what it's called. STOP IT!

Spidey is shaking and his hands are locked tightly on his ears.

DREW: What the (beep) is going on?

FATMAN: Methinks Groucho is somehow gaining the upper hand.

DREW: Oh I can see that, Mr. Obvious!

FATMAN: Are you trying to make a point?

DREW: YEAH! I'M TRYING TO MAKE WAR!

A random hippy comes out of the audience.

HIPPY: Hey dudes, make peace, not war.

DREW: Get out of my way you hippy freak!

HIPPY: It's not nice to call people freaks.

DREW: SHUT UP!

HIPPY: Maybe I should call the ASPCA.

DREW: WHAT?!

HIPPY: You're acting like a victim.

(Flashback)

SPIDEY: STOP IT!

GROUCHO: No.

SPIDEY: No. I…can't…take it anymore!

Spidey is falling onto his knees. Drew is dog piling the hippy.

FATMAN: Since Drew is busy, it's my job to say that Groucho wins!

Victory: GROUCHO! GROUCHO! GROUCHO! O CANADA!

FATMAN: Didn't know where that came from. Anyway…

Fatman's cell phone rings.

FATMAN: Hello? Yes. Mmm…okay. See you in eleven seconds.

Fatman hangs up.

FATMAN: It appears we have a surprise competitor. He has come to battle Spider-Man.

A large garage door opens up to reveal a robot. It walks into the arena.

SPIDEY: …Who are you?

The robot only talks by typing words on a screen on its face.

ROBOT: i Am cApS lOcK mAn!

SPIDEY: Okay…and what do you do?

CAPS LOCK MAN: I sCrAmBlE yOuR sPeEcH tO tExT!

spidey; oH NO! mY SPEECH IS GETTING MIXED UP AS SPEAK! NO oH! HAPPENING IS ALREADY iT!

FATMAN: Luckily, the hosting box is resistant to text-based assassinations! We'll get back to you as soon as someone wins!

PLEASE STAND BY

30 MILLISECONDS LATER

FATMAN: Spider-Man won by making the robot overload! But he was still beaten by Groucho Marx, so he still loses. Isn't that great?

SPIDEY: Can I keep the robot's torn-off head as a trophy?

FATMAN: No.

Drew finishes the fight with the hippy. Drew lost, and comes backs with bruises and cuts.

FATMAN: What just happened to you?

DREW: I don't want to talk about it.

Drew spontaneously becomes psychotically happy again.

DREW: Anyway, Team 2 gets a point and the next match is "Shrek Versus Santa"!

SANTA: You'd better watch out!

SHREK: Why should I worry? You're a fairytale character that is totally defenseless.

SANTA: You must have not read my latest book, "'Twas the Night before Christmas 2: Santa's Dark Side"…Mua ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!