A/N: Protectors of the Plot Continuum were founded by Jay and Acacia. Some references are made to i'm selling you my soul by Lorientad.
"This is bad. This is very bad," Tasmin muttered. She shook her head and repeated what she had said.
"I guess we go in to fix it then," Allison said. She sat down on the floor to put on her shoes.
"But not in generic disguises. I think you should go in as Zelenka and I'll-"
"Zelenka? Why do I have to go in as a short, blond man?"
"Because you are a short, blonde woman."
"Then who are you going as?"
"Weir." Tasmin finished giving the console disguise instructions and pressed a button to open a portal.
"Weir? With whom you only share eye-colour?"
"And leadership qualities." Tasmin grabbed the print-out she had made of the fic and stepped through the portal.
"That I have to disagree with you." Allison straightened her shoulders and followed her partner.
By the time she got through the portal Tasmin was already half way up the stairs to the control room. Allison picked up pace to catch up with her.
"Chuck, where's Rodney?" Tasmin shouted at the technician.
"Dr McKay went off-world half an hour ago."
"Where did he go to?"
"An uninhabited planet we discovered a few weeks ago. Is there a problem?"
"Dial the gate address. He left a suicide note. We're going in after him."
"Suicide note? I just thought he wanted some alone time after everything that has happened." Chuck dialled the address.
Tasmin briefly glared at him for his last remark and then rushed back down the stairs. Allison sighed and rolled her eyes before running down the stairs and through the gate after her.
Tasmin stood still a few yards from the gate. Allison stopped next to her. She dropped her hands on her knees and tried to catch her breath.
"You overdid it a bit on the disguises. I even got Radek's stamina."
Tasmin raised an eyebrow at her partner. "I doubt that's the fault of the disguise generator. When was the last time you had a proper work-out?"
"The last time I had time for one. What's he doing over there?" Allison nodded her head over to McKay who was digging a hole thirty feet away from them.
"It said in the suicide note he wanted to be one with the earth." Tasmin showed Allison the note.
"I hate it that badfic takes everything so literally."
"Let's go and talk him out of it, shall we?"
The agents walked up to McKay. He continued digging his man-sized hole.
"Rodney, stop doing that. It isn't worth it," Tasmin pleaded.
McKay stopped digging and turned around to face them. "You don't know what I'm going through."
"You've got that right," Allison said under her breath.
Tasmin kicked her lightly in the shins. "You left a suicide note. Rodney, we are here for you. We want to help you get through this. Rodney, we need you."
"With him gone... We had plans. Plans that will forever be unfulfilled."
Allison rolled her eyes. "That's it." She stepped up to McKay. "Give me that shovel." She grabbed the shovel.
"No!" McKay pulled the shovel closer to his body.
"Rodney, give me the shovel."
A tug of shovel started between Allison and McKay.
"Rodney, let go of the shovel," Tasmin said. She raised her Colt M1911 at him to get her point across.
"You know you are pointing a gun at a suicidal man, don't you?"
"Just shoot me. I have no reason to live and my grave is finished." McKay waved one hand at the hole he had dug.
Allison hooked her leg behind his and gave him a push. McKay stumbled and fell into his hole. "That takes care of step one." Allison smirked.
"Is he conscious?" Tasmin put away her gun and rummaged through her bag.
"Does it matter?" Allison looked at McKay. "He has his eyes closed and has some what of a painful grimace on his face."
Tasmin produced a handful of stick candles and stuck them in the ground in a circle surrounding McKay's provisional grave. After she lit the candles she threw the DVD box set of the second season on top of McKay. Holding the DVD box set of the first season in her hand she started to recite: "Begone, Author of this fic. Get thee behind me My-life-has-no-meaning-without-you! Get thee behind me Purple Prose of Grief! You have no power in this continuum."
The shades of the Author rose from McKay's chest. "But I warned for OOC," the ghostly figure wailed. "You were warned."
"Yes, but there's OOC and then there is McKay, who regularly reminds people he is worth more alive, writing a suicide note. The man could match Zaphod Beeblebrox for ego; he'll get over getting dumped."
"I just wanted to explore a new side of him."
"His old sides are fine," Allison replied. "Now, go explore this." She swung the shovel and scattered the shades. There was one last moan before the fragments evaporated. Allison stuck the shovel in the dirt. "Do I cover this hole with him in it or do I just leave everything be?"
Tasmin glared at her partner.
Allison smirked. "I thought we could do with a laugh after all that."
"We could do with a gathering up our things so we can go home."
A/N: Rodney McKay would require a ghost-writer to write a suicide note for him. I can understand warning for OOC, but why call it a fanfic if the character cannot be recognized from the canon?