Bionicle Farces: The Toa Dorkus
A/N: Yeah, I know, I know. I should be updating Survival. But this story just BEGGED to be written, and I felt like writing something genuinely humorous. Expect updates to be kind of periodic when I feel in the mood.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bionicle. Sadly, I do own this fic and the six stupid "Toa" that appear in it. Anyone else you don't recongize belongs to me. Everyone else belongs to Lego. Also, please note that I am not targetting anyone specific in this, I'm just making fun of the general concept.
In the beginning, all was calm. Well, as calm as it could get with Mata Nui dying and the Toa Nuva and Inika whisked away on some crumb of an island battling six vicious beasties known as the Piraka searching for the Mask of Life (a Mask which really didn't make sense, I mean, it couldn't bring the dead back to life, only give life to inanimate objects which is stupid because as a mask of LIFE one would ASSUME that would mean giving life to a corpse, but I digress). But anyway, for the most part, life on Metru Nui was pretty uneventful, save for the whole rebuilding of the city thing.
Then, they came.
The Toa Nuva returned home to the island of Metru Nui, but not as themselves. No, they were somehow... different. For one thing, their eyes were big and shiny, like most anime eyes. And their mouths grew from small to large periodically. In fact, they looked exactly like most anime characters. They even had the long, spikey, color-mismatched hair.
And for some reason, they had turned inexplicably evil.
They laid seige to the peaceful island of Metru Nui and brought it to ruin once more (geez, that city just can't get a break, can't it?). They enslaved the Matoran, captured the Turaga, and forced them (the Matoran, not the old Turaga, duh) to build dance floors all around the city that played really annoying pop music songs every hour of the day!
Then, the Nuva moved on to take over other islands. The world was in danger, and it's once greatest heroes were to blame. There didn't seem to be anything that could stop them...
High above the clouds, two Great Beings stared down and watched as the Nuva continued their reign of terror.
One of the Great Beings turned to the other. "This is not good. How could they have been corrupted like that? And how did they become so powerful?" he asked.
His friend shook his head. "There's only one explanation... something, or someone, from the other dimension has come to this world... and messed with it."
(DUM DUM DUM!)
The other gasped in shock. "You don't mean... one of them?!"
"Yes, I do mean... one of them!" the other replied.
"But then... how? What can we do to save them for this poison?" the first Being wondered.
"Isn't it obvious, my friend?" his companion said. "We must fight fire with fire!"
"You mean we get a bunch of flame throwers?"
"NO! Well, wait a minute... hmm... actually, that's not too bad a idea..." he muttered. "But what I MEANT to say was that I think we should get help from some of them in order to combat the one here."
"You mean..." the other gasped (boy, I'll be glad when these guy's names are revealed), "we must ask help from... THEM?!"
(DUM DUM DUM!)
"It is the only way." His friend replied. "We must make a new Toa team... of humans!"
(DUN DUN DUN DUN DUN!)
Earth, March 7th, Wednesday, 2008, 1:30 p.m., 21 seconds, 22 seconds, 23 seconds, 24...
A young teenage boy named Danny sat at his computer and typed furiously at his keyboard. On his monitor screen was the title BZPower, the best place to find Bionicle fans on the net. Right now, he was busy spamming up the net.
"Hahahaha... Kopaka is awesome, Nuju is awesome, Matoro is awesome, all Ice Toa are the greatest, every single element can go melt! MWUAHAHAHA!" he cackled evilly.
Suddenly, a dimensional portal opened up right in the middle of his room and a white arm reached out and grabbed him.
As he was pulled into the portal, Danny turned to the camera (well, actually, he turned to where he THOUGHT the camera was if his life was a tv show, in actuality he had his back to it). "Geez, these anti-spamming rules are getting tougher every time!"
Elsewhere, another young teenager named Susan sat at her desk scribbling away some poorly drawn Bionicle pictures.
Hmm... ahh! OC inspiration! She cried as she picked up her pencil and began to "draw". Miria Lilith Thompson, a half Toa-ess half Skardi of Love who is the prophecised daughter of Mata Nui who was shunned at childhood even though she was so nice and kind to everyone she met! It is through her kindness that she brings out the best in cold-hearted Kopaka's heart who in turn gives her all the love and care she had so desired as a young one... so perfect! And her mask is kind of rigid, so she is SO not a Mary Sue!
She smiled as she finished her doodle... which looked more like a female version of Ishida Uryu from Bleach, she wasn't even organic, but she didn't care.
A dimensional portal appeared before just as it did to Danny.
Susan let out a gasp. "Le gasp! A dimension portal leading to another dimension! I could escape my boring life of pain and homework and go on an adventure in this new world!" she realized. "Oh! But wait, I need to get my laptop, my iPod, my iPhone, my PSP, my Wii, my wacom tablet, my notebooks, my colored pencils..."
A hand grabbed her and pulled her into the portal. She struggled to escape. "WAIT! NO, DON'T TAKE ME! I HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY NINTENDO DS YET!"
This time, a teenage boy, Chris, wearing a black t-shirt that said "Greenday" on it and black pants and a black bandana laid in bed with his CD player cranked up high and listening to some emo Linkin Park song (but since doesn't allow lyrics in fics, we'll have to cut those out).
Suddenly, a hand from a portal appeared and yanked him out of this bed. "Even the aliens hate me!" he cried emo-ly.
Another teenager, a girl named Katie, was typing some poorly written, mushy fanfiction on her computer.
Vakama stared into Nokama's deep, splashing blue eyes. "I love you, with all my heart, soul and body..." he said in a romantic voice. "I've always had from the moment I existed, I loved you!" "Oh vakama!" nokama cried. "I love you too, I 've always had and always will!"
Katie felt her eyes water. "Oh... so... so romantic..." she sniffled, only wishing this story had appeared in canon...
Once again, the portal appeared out of nowhere and sucked her in.
"But... I haven't finished the last chapter yet!"
Once again, yet another teenage girl, her name being Samantha was writing another mushy romantic fic.
Nokama hugged matau tightly in her embrace. "Oh Matau, you don't know how much I've loved you all this time..." she said, tears falling down her face. Matau hugged her back. "I love you. I've always have, I always will!..."
Samantha choked back a sob. "I wubs it..." she said.
Suddenly (well, to her at least, this is getting kinda repetive) a portal appeared and she was sucked in.
"Dang! I guess that means I won't have to update my OTHER stories for several more months now!"
FINALLY, there was another teenaged boy, his name Jake, who was walking along the street (his school was canceled due to a freak accident involving shrimp and rabid hamsters) when suddenly, just for the heck of it, a portal appeared and sucked him in.
"AAAAH! I NEVER KNEW ALIENS WERE SO FORCEFUL!"
The teens soon found themselves in an odd white room.
"ZOMGWTHFTWBBQ!" l33ted Danny.
Jake stared at him strangely. "Did... you just use netspeak in real life?" he asked.
"Yeah... sorta." Danny replied.
Susan made a face. "What's wrong with that, ne?" she asked. "I like to speak like that."
"Ne? Oh, so you know Japanese?" Katie said, impressed.
"Kawaii no denetsu!" Susan smiled at her, thinking it meant "thank you".
"Hey, guys..." Samantha spoke up. "Is it just me, or are we wearing... armor?" she held up her arm to prove her point. Indeed, she, and the rest of her body, was clad in a purple colored armor.
The others were clothed likewise, only with different colors.
"Woah, you're right! What's going on here?!" Chris demanded. "WHY WON'T ANYONE ANSWER US !?"
"Calm down, and watch the language!" the room echoed with a voice that did not belong to any of the teens (muting out Chris's defiant huff). They all turned to see two beings clothed in white garments approach them.
"Who... who are you?" Jake asked, mustering up his courage. "Where are we, and why are we here?"
One of the beings smiled. "Do not fear. We are the Great Beings Bob and Joe-"
"Hi!" Joe raised his hand and waved.
"-and you, my friends, are here to save the Bionicle world. In other words, you are all Toa."
"ZOMGWTHFTWBBQ!" everyone l33ted.