The same old boring author's note: pretend for this fic that Trey actually raped marissa. pretend that ryan knew that marissa wsa raped and went aftre trey to kill him. marissa shot trey. everything else that happened later on the show stays true.
I think the rating 'T" is okay. if you think not, let me know and ill upgrade it to 'M" .I suck at smut scenes... (no pun intended) but i have tried. so please review...Ryan stood there silently, his hands still awkwardly raised for a knock as his eyes took in the scene in front of him. She was sprawled across her bed, neatly folding each piece of clothing and putting them away in the suitcase in front of her as she packed away the remnants of her life. And all of a sudden it hit him like a fist in the gut.
She was leaving…
It had never seemed as real as it did now.
He had stood in the shadows and listened to Julie tell her that they were going to shift to Hawaii. He had even listened to Marissa as she herself had made it clear that she was going to go. But up until now, a part of him had refused to believe that any of it would actually happen.
He knew why.
Through the mess that was their relationship, she had always represented someone who would always be there in some shape or form. He had come to depend on that connection, to rely on it, to turn towards it when things crumbled. He had thought she would always be there.
He was wrong. It wasnt supposed to hurt this much.
It hurt… like hell.
He rubbed his hands on his face, blinking several times to clear away the dust that had accumulated in his eyes. There was so much dust in the air tonight.
It wasn't dust.
Marissa's startled blue eyes flew towards the door as she heard his light knock. She hadn't been expecting to see him tonight, not after the way she had behaved with him earlier. It surprised her… no shocked her that he would still come. It shouldn't have. When had Ryan ever put his own needs in front of hers?
"Hey…" he said, as he made his way towards her. Her eyes followed his every move. He looked so dejected and sad and lonely. And it was killing her softly, just as much as it had killed her to look him in the eye and reject him as she walked out on him earlier. But she had had no choice. She loved him so much, but she couldn't ever let him know the real reason why she wanted to leave. It would kill him if he knew. She would rather die than cause him more pain…
"I… what are you doing here? I thought you'd be mad…" her eyelids fluttered down, in shame, in remorse, in apology…
He watched as her eyelids shuttered down. He didn't want her to feel any of those things. He would never let her know how afraid he was that she would walk away and not look back. If this was going to be there last night, the least he could do was make this easy on her. He wanted to make her remember all the good things about them, not the fights that they had…
"No I am not mad…" he said, trying to hide the pain that he felt.
It was of no use. Her eyes somehow read him perfectly.
"I just wanted you to know that I am not leaving…" she said and he felt that small amount of hope burgeon in him "I mean, I am leaving… but I am not leaving you."
He hugged her tight, his arms going around her as he pulled her towards him desperately, like he wanted to absorb her in him, as if the mere physical act would reduce the pain and offer him comfort. In a way it did.
"Let's not think about that" he said giving her a weak smile. It didn't quite reach his eyes. "We still have 24 hours right? Let's make them the best 24 hours of our lives."
She looked up at him and tried to smile back. It didn't reach her eyes either. Damn, but she sucked at pretending too. Why was she leaving? He wanted to shout. Don't go… he wanted to plead.
"Common lets go…" he said instead and pulled her towards the doorway, putting on his best fake smile for her sake. "We'll go to the diner, eat some burgers and chili fries, then all of us can mock Seth… it'll be fun. We can still do fun, right?"
She wasn't fooled by his happy look, not one bit. She knew why this mattered so much to him. After all that they had been through, she knew most of his insecurities. People had always left him… his mom; dad, brother, Lindsay, Teresa… and he had always thought that somehow it had all been his fault, that somehow his love had never been enough to make them stay.
She wanted so desperately to tell him that this time he was wrong; that he was enough for her… that he had always been enough for her ever since she had first seen him, that under any other circumstance she would have never have left him, that even now it was killing her to do so… but she couldn't.
It would break him down completely if he knew the truth. And that was one thing she wouldn't allow to happen.
So instead, she did what they both did best. She pretended to be happy as she fixed a weak smile on her face and allowed him to pull her away.
The whole car ride her eyes remained downcast as her hands kept playing with his, tracing small patterns on them like it was the most important thing in the world. His remained focused on the road, although he didn't quite understand why the road appeared so blurry. Neither said anything. Neither knew what to say. He wished he could just keep driving like this forever. She wished she could play with his hands forever. Both knew their wishes never came true. Both still wished that maybe they would.
The diner arrived more quickly than either of them thought. Seth and summer were already sitting in the booth. They must have arrived earlier or maybe they had never gone home from helping him with the Tiki-hut. He hoped it was the latter because he wanted everything to be perfect. If this was the last time he met her, he wanted to give her a night that she would never forget, their very own 'from here to eternity' moment. His eyes met Seth's across the distance asking him the all important question. Was everything ready? Seth gave him a goofy grin and a thumbs-up sign. Relieved Ryan took her hand and slid into the booth.
The four friends talked and laughed like they had done so many times before. They pretended that everything was alright, that one of them wasn't leaving them the very next day, that they could still remain the fab-four even with the distance. It worked… for some time.
"Okay… I am pretty full. I think we have to leave, Cohen… I am sleepy". Summer said suddenly yawning and rubbing her hands on her stomach.
"Wait, but you guys can't go yet" Marissa protested, "its just eight, and I am not finished yet" she motioned to her almost full plate.
"Sorry Coop got to go. The step monster…" she mumbled incomprehensibly, dragging Seth out of the booth, before Marissa could say anything.
Damn, but 'stealthy' wasn't a word you could apply to them.
Marissa raised a single well defined eyebrow at him and gave him a suspicious look. "What's going on?" she asked.
He thought of all that he had planned for her, with such meticulous precision. He thought of the Tiki-hut that lay on the beach. He had never done anything like this before. His palms began sweating. What if she didn't like it? What if she thought it was the stupidest idea ever? Back then it had seemed like such a great idea, but now he wasn't so sure. After all, he was this boy from chino who burned down model homes and the closest he had come to it was giving Teresa a rose the first time he wanted to suggest that they have sex. This was so much more than that. He was sure he was going to screw it up.
"I have a surprise for you" he said shyly, before getting up and giving her his hand. Her eyes flew to his immediately and he gave her a meek smile.
she placed her hand in his shyly as for the second time that night she allowed him to lead her away.
She could feel her eyes widen in shock and excitement as she felt his hands covering her eyes and his voice whispering 'no peeking…" in her ear. He had looked so shy… so vulnerable when he had said it. She wasn't used to seeing him this way. Her heart started beating faster and she could hear its loud beats in her ear. The air was thick around them as he led her through the beach. Somehow his gesture had completely shifted her earlier melancholy mood and she could almost feel the excitement in the air. The sand felt so soft. His touch felt so incredibly stimulating. Here…Now… Was all that mattered and she would think about tomorrow… tomorrow.
Slowly he removed his hand and told her to look and what she saw took her breath away. It was the most romantic Tiki-hut ever, and the fact that Ryan had done all this for her, meant more to her than she could ever say.
"You did all this?" she asked him excitedly. She had no words to describe how she felt right at this moment.
She felt overwhelmed. She felt lucky. She felt completely loved.
She felt her heart break just that little bit more…
Her face was a picture of wonderment and he felt so relieved. He let out the breath that he hadn't even realized he was holding. He had been so afraid that she wouldn't like it. But looking at her face right now, he wondered why it was only now that she was leaving that he had done something so special. He should have done it before. He should have done it again and again. He should have done it every second of every day.
It was she who pulled him inside as they stumbled on to the soft cushions and throws with him o top of her. As it always happened with her, he became instantly aroused. For a moment he just stared at her, taking in the beauty of her face as he memorized each and every inch of it. This might be the last time I see her like this. The thought popped into his head, but he quickly banished it away. He wasn't going to think about it now. He brushed back the hair that had fallen into her face. She was so beautiful…
"What?" she asked him, as her confused blue eyes looked up.
"Nothing… it's just, are you sure? I mean… this wasn't why… I didn't mean… this isn't why I did all this…"
"I know Ryan…" she said, rolling her eyes at him and smiling. "Now shut up and kiss me."
That was all the encouragement he needed. His lips parted hers hungrily as his tongue explored each and every inch of hers. Her taste… her smell… would he ever get enough? She matched him stroke for stroke and soon their hands were all over each other. His under her shirt, hers kneading his back. There was desperation in both of them, as they explored each other. He was getting so lost in her… all of a sudden she pushed him away.
"I am sorry, I can't do this… I have to go". She mumbled as she scrambled for the doorway.
He stood their shell shocked for a second. What had happened? How had he managed to screw it up so soon? But before he could even complete his thoughts her laughing, grinning head poked back in.
She could see he looked stunned and she couldn't help but laugh at how adorable he looked. He was so cute when he looked all confused. She could see that he was really scared that she would leave, but that thought hadn't even crossed her mind.
"What? You aren't even going to come after me?" she said coyly pretending to be all hurt.
He was out the bed, in a second as he wrapped his arms around her. "You want to play huh? Huh?" he said tightening his grip around her playfully. She loved it when he became all funny and aggressive at the same time.
"You think you are funny, huh?" he said, pinching her butt. She laughed up at him, giggling uncontrollably. "I am kind of funny…"
She looked up at him and was hell bent on teasing him further as their eyes connected. All of a sudden the atmosphere in the room grew serious and her smile froze. She looked into his ocean blue eyes and she knew exactly what she wanted. This was the perfect moment, the right moment for it to happen. They had waited so long for this.
They were so close that not a wisp of air could pass between them and yet they weren't touching. The air crackled as the intensity of their gazes locked on each other. He could clearly see the flecks in her eyes turn a deeper blue. He didn't need any words to know what she was thinking or what she wanted. He could read into their depths as clearly as if she had said it out loud. His breath hitched…
"Are you sure? I mean, we have done a lot, but never this."
She took a step closer to him, her eyes staring at the ground as she slowly nodded.
"It's going to make it that much harder for you to leave…" he felt compelled to point out.
She knew what he was saying. And he was right. It would make it a lot harder for her to leave especially consider… the reason why she was leaving him in the first place. But she wanted to do this, give them these last memories. She didn't want to go without knowing exactly how it felt to have him deep inside her, filling her, completing her, healing her. It was her own form of gift to him.
He watched as she began opening the buttons on her dress and he literally swallowed. He had dreamed of this moment a countless times, but the way he felt right nowsurpassed everything he had ever thought. He took a deep shuddering breath trying to calm himself down. He felt honored, excited, loved and yet, oddly enough… afraid. It wasn't a feeling he had ever associated with making love before. He was the master of banging them in the backseat of a car, but this felt so pure… untouched.
He took in her gorgeous body, her perfect breasts, her narrow waist, her gently flaring hips and the blush that crept across her skin giving it a rosy glow. He smiled inwardly, she was still so shy. She raised her eyes to his, and he felt the world slowly fade away. All that existed was him… her… and this amazing connection that they shared. They were caught in a weird time warp, and time had ceased to exist completely for both of them. Something indefinable was happening here, now. They were both naked. He had an aching hard on. But strangely enough, this moment between them was virginal. It wasn't something that he had ever felt before, and it scared the hell out of him.
She was so afraid that she would be a disappointment to him. He was far too experienced and all she had to her name was Luke… and trey. But the way he was looking at her now, melted all her doubts away. She wanted to say thank you… she wanted to say I love you, she settled for lightly running her hands and tracing the contours of his face, his shoulder his lower abdomen, placing soft fleeting kisses on them.
She was touching him in the most innocent way possible and he felt more aroused than if anyone else would have been giving him a blow job. He felt a sigh escape his lips as he felt those soft, barely there kisses of hers. Just why it should affect him so much now, he had no idea. Maybe because he knew that this was their last time, or maybe because he knew that today they weren't going to stop and he was letting himself completely go. Regardless, he felt himself grow very hard and they hadn't even yet started. He pulled her to him as he kissed her mouth, opening it with his tongue and tasting her. Their eyes were still locked on each other and he could see every emotion that passed through her. Somehow, it intensified the feelings even more. His hands traced the entire length of her back before coming forward and grazing the underside of her breast, not quite touching yet. Her back arched in need. She moaned into his mouth. It filled his soul. Her knees almost buckled under his onslaught and she would have fallen had he not been supporting her so strongly. Somehow their legs got tangled in each other and they fell onto the covers.
They laughed for a minute at how clumsy they were, how impatient they seemed, and then their eyes grew serious again. Making sure that his weight wasn't crushing her, he kissed her wildly letting their tongues tangle into each other. Her soft moans egged him on as he trailed down towards her breasts. Knowing exactly what set her off, he sucked on her breasts alternately biting and suckling them. Sure enough, she arched her back and made a guttural sound at the back of her throat. He could feel the slight, sticky juice glistening on his dick and he wasn't sure how much longer he could hold off. But right now all he wanted was to maximize her pleasure as much as possible. He trailed downwards, as his fingers lightly parted her lips. She was so moist, so tight. His tongue replaced his fingers as it swirled around her clit.
She felt his lips on her clit and it almost sent her over the edge. It was so, freaking, unbelievably, hot. She writhed on the bed, as her hands tangled in the sheets, her head thrashing around from one side to the other. She felt him soothe him slightly with murmured words and gentle touches on her thighs. She was beyond soothing. She wanted him now. He put his fingers in her vagina and pushed them back and forth. Her hips involuntarily mimicked its motion.
"Ryan…" she gasped, her hips almost buckling of the bed "it's lonely this way…"
He had wanted to give her a climax before he had his own. But her words said almost in a plea were his complete undoing. There was no way he had ever been able to say no to her. He pulled himself up as he positioned himself against her.
"Are you sure", he asked again and she felt tears well up in her eyes. Even now he would have stopped, she realized with wonder, if she had asked him to or if he would have detected even the slightest hint of hesitancy in her eyes. It meant a lot to her, considering how her last experience had been. She cupped her hands around his dick as she guided it inside her. His eyes closed as he thickly swallowed. She was so tight, yet so welcoming. Completely filling her, he opened his eyes and he saw his own soul reflected back at him in hers. there were no barriers left for him to hide was happening here? It almost felt like something supernatural. She raised her hips and he thrust into her. Slowly their pace increased and they both lost themselves in each other. Nothing existed except the feelings that they were feeling and they felt their identities of self blur into the other until it became one. They moved in perfect symmetry, reading each others minds and wants. They were both sweating; Marissa's nails digging into his as Ryan's hands supported his weight. So intent they were on each other that the build up to their climax surprised them both. They both came in shuddering gasps at the same time and Ryan collapsed on her, breathing hard.
Marissa inhaled the smell that was uniquely Ryan. What had happened tonight between them had been incredible. They had lost any and every barriers that had ever been there between them. It was ironic that somehow making physical love had brought them emotionally so close, but it had happened. For once in her life, she knew exactly what it felt to feel complete…Whole… unscathed… healed… and loved. How was she supposed to leave him and go now? She so desperately wanted to stay back. But to stay back would mean that she would have to tell him the truth. She couldn't ever tell him the truth. He couldnt ever know.
She felt tears well up in her eyes.
Life was so cruel…
Thinking he might be heavy for her, he rolled over, taking her with him. They were still joined. He wasn't willing to let go of her, just yet. Tomorrow would come soon enough.
He inhaled deeply. She smelled like vanilla and sex and…'him'. His hand tightened on her waist pulling her in as he kissed the top of her head. She snuggled into him and he felt her eyelids drift shut.
Long after her breathing had evened out and she had fallen asleep, he still lay awake. He stared down at her face, tracing its each and every detail lovingly. The memory of tonight would last him a lifetime. Gently he kissed her lips. It would have to be enough for those cold, lonely nights when she would be far away.
He rubbed his hands on his face to clear away the dust that kept entering his eyes.
Newport was supposed to be free of dust.
Ryan stood on the beach, his hands in his pockets, his hair ruffling in the wind and his eyes dull and shuttered. Her bags were already in the boat as Julie and jimmy packed up the last of their stuff. She was standing in front of him. It was their last chance to say goodbye.
"So write to me… or mail me… I don't know how it works". He tried to give her a smile. It came out all crooked.
She looked down at the sand, her hands fidgeting with the hem of her shirt.
"I will…" she knew she wouldn't. It would be too hard. This had to be their final farewell. She took a step closer towards him and allowed herself to be surrounded by his love one last time. It would have to be enough. She loved him so much. She wasn't going to cry.
"Last night was… perfect. I will never forget it". She whispered truthfully, raising her eyes to his.
He pulled her close as he crushed her towards him and buried his head in her neck. This was the last time he would hold her this close, kiss her like this, and inhale the scent that was 'Marissa'. How was he supposed to let her go? He really didn't want her to go. But he couldn't say that to her… ever. That would make him too vulnerable. It just wasn't how he was made.
"Don't go… stay…" the plea was out of his mouth before he could stop it. She didn't reply. He knew she wouldn't. The only way he even knew that she had heard was because of the now rapidly dampening patch that was forming on his dry shirt, where her head was resting. He closed his eyes tightly shut. He had just complicated everything a hundred fold.
Marissa allowed the tears to fall down her face. She desperately wanted to say 'yes' to him. She desperately wanted to stay back. She wanted nothing more than to kiss his lips forever.
That could never happen. She could never look back. He could never know…
He could never know that she was pregnant with his brother's kid.
Life was cruel.
Her love wasn't.
Fin. I think.