October 11. A day that the entire Konohagakure no Sato would forever remember. A day in which even after the Kyuubi attack is forgotten will be remembered. A day in which the four gods themselves will wish to analyze and reanalyze over and over again due to the mysteriousness of the events that took place on that particular day. Uzumaki Naruto was one-year-old, and proud of it. Now that he was unofficially the surrogate son of the ancient being who loves sake more than his life, he had gained the favor of Luck. Unluckily for anyone else, excluding the drunk, that bit of luck would go a long way. If the rabbit in his gut had anything to say about it, the village was screwed. For one day the luck bestowed upon him by Luck itself would manifest, and in conjunction with the curse the rabbit held, well…the village would be lucky or unlucky, depending on one's belief, to survive.
There are many things that Konoha is, peaceful, quiet, normal (for a ninja village), had a cheery atmosphere, an all around good place to live. This was how it was seen by outsiders and residents as well. That is, until the old drunk accidentally left Naruto alone for the day. Naruto was placed in the care of another God, one who was not trying to exact revenge upon the old drunk, the God's name was: Chaos.
To describe Chaos to a mere mortal that has never seen this God in the mortal plane is a very surprising experience. Chaos herself is not what most would think of her to be. For one, she was four feet five inches tall. Other distinguishing characteristics to this God are that she has light blue hair, or rather more like the same color as Naruto's eyes. She had sakura pink eyes. Her skin was as pale as that of Orochimaru's. She apparently wore a chastity belt and a chain mail bra, underneath her BRIGHT ORANGE kimono. Her hair would and will continue to always be held in two ponytails. And last but not least, she had a mean right hook.
Naruto, a little bundle of joy, just starting out on his second year of life, being accompanied by one erratically cute girl, both loaded to the brim with stuff, were found early in the morning crawling and walking along Konoha's main thoroughfare. It was just after dawn, the sun had just risen over its peak, Naruto was wanting some milk, Chaos did not have any, the drunk's basement was inaccessible, the only option for the duo to find sustenance was to wander around town until they came across some milk.
Naruto crawling faster than a regular kid, after sensing a milk producer, went zoom, eventually slamming his little form into a cow like creature. With its massive, to the kid, horns and its bulky exterior, the thing must have had a lot of milk. Spying a dangling and dripping thing hanging from the thing, the kid thinking it was some sort of weird milk bottle, leapt at the thing jaws wide open baring his unusually fast growing temporary baby shark teeth. Fortunately or unfortunate whichever way one looks at it, the kid missed his mark and bit into the bull's tail, HARD! Slamming his jaws shut on the tail, as if held together by super glue, the kid with his crocodile like grip on the tail was turned into a kite's tail tied to a rampaging bull. For whatever reason that there were around twenty cattle in the vicinity, the point is that there were twenty cattle in the vicinity all being spurned into a raging bunch of cattle, with one having a dangling thing on its tail. With raging bull in the lead of the pack of rabid cows, the group rampaged their way towards a training ground used by some Tokubetsu Jounin. Today on this day of days it was being occupied by one Mitarashi Anko and one Morino Ibiki. They were going at it like mad cows in a stampede when they were suddenly and unexpectedly attacked by a bunch of mad cows in a stampede being led around by a rampaging bull with a kid for a tail extension. With the aid of years of experience the two Nins jumped high into the atmosphere, as high as their legs and chakra would take them, and as safe as they possibly could jump. Once they landed successfully on their own two feet the two spotted a crying kid sitting in the middle of the hoof filled flat field.
Naruto wanting to be fed literally bawled his eyes out. Shocked that such a thing could happen the two Tokubetsu Jounin panicked having never seen such a spectacle in their whole lives. But before there sanity was lost to the wind forever, Chaos came with a bottle of milk, chucked it into Naruto's wailing mouth, popped his eyes back in, picked him up, and walked away in the direction of the park. Thus leaving the two Jounin staring at the spot where the kid used to be, then they ran in separate directions.
Anko ran like a headless chicken, she was screaming her head off, laughing her guts out, flashing old people, young people, married people, Hyuuga, Uchiha, Yamanaka, Nara, Shiranui, and the like. Occasionally she would bump into a random civilian, scream profanities in his or her ear, then run off again. When she accidentally or intentionally or both bumped into the Hokage of all wrinkly old people, she bawled like a baby muttering about zombies, babies, demons dying, and sake. Twenty minutes later Anko would slowly stand up about face, and run again. Bumping into lamp posts, mail boxes, doors, cats, Inuzuka ninken, a bee hive, the drunk old man, and other such things. She would also later on in her life when she would finally be happily married, recall barreling into Kakashi, quickly forcing down his face mask exposing his devilishly handsome good looks, steal his first ever real French kiss, steal his orange book, rip it to pieces, knee him in his family jewels, rub her assets in his face, knee him harder in his family jewels, then swiftly as if the Shinigami were on her tail run of at the speed of light blasting off to places unknown to Naruto. Later on in the day she would slam into the wall like man Maito Gai, and unceremoniously faint. Just to wake up the next day in the room of said spandex wearing freak, only to see him wearing pink pajamas and pink bunny slippers. She would then proceed in fainting. Later on waking up in her own room in her own home with a green spandex suit in clutched in her left hand and a half empty sake bottle in her right hand.
Morino Ibiki on the other hand in his mad dash to what he thought would be a helpful direction for his mind ran straight into the worst person he could bump into, namely the drunk old man. Thus causing the old man to fall backwards, as if in slow motion the old man witnessed his spanking brand new extremely expensive favorite flavored sake bottle crash into the pavement, its extremely delicate exterior no match for the hardness and harshness of the ground. Being a bottle which he himself did not make, it was not unbreakable or really hard to chip, no, it was bought, bought from one of the most expensive alcohol selling places in all of Konoha. As it hit the pavement and shattered, spilling the gift of the gods that is sake, the old drunk cried out in a voice of pure and utter anguish, "NOOOOO!"
In an attempt to save what was left of his precious sake he dove to the spot where it had shattered and spilled. Utilizing his bastardized Bushins, he picked up each and every piece of the broken bottle, collected each and every salvageable drop of sake he could find and placed them ceremoniously into his sake cup. Turning around and facing the downed, as well as shaken Ibiki, he drank the whole thing in one gulp, clearly making it a point to look like he was in a total world of bliss, thus giving Ibiki the chance to get away lest the old drunk seek retribution from his wallet. But as Luck would have it, Ibiki was only able to make one step, before he was ceremoniously cast into a world of illusions created by the old drunk and his unimaginably sake induced speed. Within a matter of a split millisecond he had gone through a flurry of seals, his Bushins quickly painted seals onto Ibiki's bald and scarred head.
Once successfully finding himself in the world of illusions, Ibiki was unable to comprehend why he suddenly felt like crying out and wanting his mommy. Floating before him, in the vast nothingness that was the old drunk's illusion, was the image of the Kyuubi, a bright pink Kyuubi, grinning from rabbit ear to rabbit ear, the ginormous kitsune started to glow in an almost too happy bright orange. It then began to grow, it began to blow up like a balloon every time it expanded its killing intent grew as well. But this time, unlike when the Kyuubi was attacking, the KI it was producing was directed solely on one lucky individual. The world of illusion would not allow its victim to die, but it would allow the victim to see a purple skinned figure run away in terror etched on its already frightening face at the sight of the balloon like kitsune. Ibiki also started to hear a voice whispering. Whispering words that he could barely understand, words like bottle, pay, regret, and cup. But the most notably repeated word out of all the things that he heard were the words, "my precious" and "my sake". The visions that permeated the air on the sides of the balloon were those of the events that led up to the climax which is the shattering of the bottle of newly bought sake.
The sake was bought in a Tea House, very expensive. Ibiki witnessed the old drunk caress the bottle lovingly, how he kissed the bottle, held the bottle, how he walked with the bottle, he also saw some weird things about the things that the old drunk wanted to do with the bottle. He witnessed how much the old man worshipped the bottle, as if the sake within was Kami itself. After some time watching the visions he began to feel what the bottle was feeling, he started to become the bottle. In the world of illusion he was slowly transforming into the bottle. When the transformation was complete, he was the bottle, or at least he looked like he was painted on the bottle. Then the visions began anew, he viewed them now as if he were part of them, he viewed the world just as the original bottle would have viewed the world. But this time, just as the climax hit, he shattered into more than a million pieces, out of his broken body poured out blood red sake and just as everything was about to settle on what would have been the floor the kitsune blimp burst. The KI it released was suffocating, but that wasn't the worst part. The worst part was that all the pieces of blown up kitsune were now in the form of rabbits, stuffed toy rabbits, each and every one chanting, "its all your fault". After what seemed like years the chanting ended with each and every rabbit transforming into sake cups and bottles but still retaining some bunny like qualities, then shattering into pieces just as Ibiki did. Along with the rabbits the rest of the world of illusion shattered.
Just as fast as it had begun, it ended. Within the blink of an eye the whole thing transpired. Ibiki was scarred even worse than ever before. Never before had he taken part in something so nightmarish. He'd rather face the wrath of pervert-hating women beating the living shit out of him, than endure that mental torture ever again. He did not only fear for his life, he feared for the life and continued existence of his deepest darkest secret: His pink rabbit plush toy named Dippy.
Quicker than a Sharingan enhanced eye could see, Ibiki got down on his hands and knees quivering and said, "Please forgive me! I will do anything. Anything! Just please don't do that again."
"Anything, you say?" questioned the old drunk.
"Yes, anything" answered Ibiki still on his hands and knees.
Sometime later in the morning around 11:59am, the old drunk could be seen walking with sake cup in one hand, sake bottle in the other, and Ibiki, in tears, trailing behind him carrying a crate full of 'the good stuff' lamenting his loss of cash and having only what would be necessary to survive for the rest of the day. Later on in the evening little Naruto would be treated to his first lesson in interrogation, taught to him by none other than Morino Ibiki, master of such an art.
At lunch time Naruto was at Ichiraku's, happily breast feeding from a mysteriously lactating cute girl in a kimono who was busily eating miso ramen and some fishcakes, also while conversing with Teuchi about the difference between ramen and other such noodles. By the end of lunch time, and just about before the Sandaime entered Ichiraku's, the duo left, leaving Teuchi the job of explaining to the Hokage, once again, that he had just missed Naruto again.
A few minutes after leaving Ichiraku, Chaos set Naruto down on the ground just outside the Ninja Academy. The she just walked away leaving Naruto, with a milk bottle strapped to his back, and a promise to pick him up after the classes were over.
Once he was alone, Naruto crawled into the academy, then stealthily crawled into one of the training grounds which had some students doing target practice exercise. He crawled on the ground even as many pointy and sharp and deadly things were flying and sometime falling overhead. Once he was close enough to the Academy teacher in charge of the practicing class, he pounced like a fox on the hunt, his prey, the Chuunin's foot. Luckily, for everyone within kunai and shuriken throwing distance, the man was holding a lot of kunai and shuriken, and with a great shout of "OUCH!" the metal objects were flung in every direction forcing the Academy students to leap, fly, duck, jump out of the way lest they get hit by the accidentally given flight projectiles. After flinging previously mentioned metal objects the Chuunin ran around the area like a mad rabbit, while trying and failing to free his foot from the painful jaws of the one-year-old kid.
Throughout the course of the afternoon the Academy was the subject of many a sore foot, many an injury caused by various accidents, as well as Chuunins being forced to be taken to Ibiki for psychological testing. The chuunins were subjected to various saliva induced illusions. Apparently someone was having fun toying with the kid's bodily functions.
After being picked up at the end of school for the day, and heading back to the ramen stand for dinner, the parents would be forced to listen to, to them, tall tales concerning a little tyke terrorizing the scholastic populace.
By nightfall Chaos and Naruto would be found by the old drunk sleeping in the third basement in the middle of a bunch of pranking supplies and toys, the two children having fallen asleep due to accidentally inhaling sleeping gas.