This story is AU, meant to be fun, and if I don't get every single plot point correct I am going to claim that in this space time continuum it didn't happen that way…and then I will quietly correct my mistake.
I am not nor do I claim to be the high priestess of House fan fiction so if I doubt that this is going to feel like a tradition House story, but free to be critical if you like…
For Dani, who needed something fun to read.
Greg House bounced his tennis ball off the wall next to Wilson's head causing him to flinch slightly. "So, one more time, for the kids at the back of the class what do you want me to do?"
"House," warned Wilson.
"I'll love how you say my name in that angry voice, gives me the tingles."
"Are you going to help us or not?" asked Cuddy, exasperation creeping into her voice.
"I don't know. I mean what you are asking me is so unethical I don't know how I, a respected member of the medical community, could knowingly involve myself in something that could definitely be considered attempting to defraud the court."
Cuddy snorted. "Everybody lies, does that sound at all familiar?"
"Touché, so tell me, what's in this for me?"
"What do you want?" asked Cuddy.
"You know what I want," he said, moving his eyes to her barely exposed cleavage, "it's what I've wanted all along, it's what I told you that I wanted that night we sat under the stars on the bleachers at UMich."
"House!" exclaimed Wilson, "What the hell is wrong with yo…"
"No way. It's like I told you that night, it is something that you are never going to get," said Cuddy.
"You don't know that for sure."
"As long as I am the Dean of Medicine at this institution…"
"Which you may not be for much longer."
"I can't give you what you want."
"Yes, you could."
Wilson watched the rapid volley of conversation between House and Lisa. Neither seemed inclined to give the other any ground. He hated that House had been at the University of Michigan with Lisa. Every so often he alluded to some big secret in their past just to prove a point, he had an in with the Dean of Medicine that no one else in their immediate circle did. And when that in didn't work, House would tap his leg lightly and comment, "Never take a first opinion."
"What about every other week?"
"What about one night a month?"
"House, I can't. People would say that I was playing favorites."
"They'll be saying that soon enough. My final offer, I never step foot in the clinic every again. Unless there is something really neat, like I don't know a rash that looks like Bea Arthur," he amended.
"I can't do it."
"Then I can't help you. You'll just have to find someone else to drag into your wacky Parent Trap-esque scheme."
"Fine. Fine, you know what, you are a jerk. We came to you as friends, asking for your help and you can't just…" Cuddy threw up her hands, "Ok. No more clinic."
"Ever again," prompted House.
"On one condition."
"I don't think you are in the position to bargain."
"If you don't help us I won't be in a position, period. If I have to resign or if the hospital chooses to dismiss me, things for you will most likely become very difficult. I doubt anyone else would allow you to do things the way you do."
"Let it always be said I did it my way."
"Thank you Mr. Sinatra. Do you want to hear my condition or not?"
"I think not. I don't think that I am opened to bargaining, after all this is concerning my integrity, not a used Trans-Am."
"I see. Then how about this, it will take the board a minimum of forty-five days to decide whether or not to dismiss me. It's going to take them at least a week to receive notification from Richard McNamara. In the meantime you will spend every minute of your rotation in clinic. If you are on my clock, people with rashes, colds, and achy tummies will surround you."
"I'm a reasonable man, let's hear your condition."
"When you and I are in front of other people, you act like a man who is in love."
"Oh, come on," said House, "No one is going to believe that you and I are dating if I start chasing you around like a horny frat boy."
"Then how are we going to make people believe that you and I have been carrying on a long term, secret love affair?"
"I'll stop making sarcastic remarks about you behind your back."
"What about to my face," she countered dryly.
"Let's take things slow and see where we find ourselves."
"So," asked Wilson, "Are you going to help us."
"Of course," replied House, "Isn't that what friends are for?"