Authors Note: OMFG! I (Nairo) wrote this oneshot almost completely by myself with the help of Jemmi and Xana. So yeah.
Also, I realized that after reading this again that Hidan's rant in the beginning sounds a bit like something in firefly's story, Paying a Compliment. But I'm too lazy to change it so I'm sorry. Live with it.
This, by far, was the strangest mission that he had even been sent on. The mission itself was simple. Find the person. Get their money. Leave. Simple. But there were minor details that made this particular mission so outlandish. And he did not like these minor details.
What irked him today was that he had to work with a partner, something he hadn't done since Tobi became an official member of the Akatsuki. He didn't like Tobi, of course. No one in the Akatsuki really liked him, but he could tolerate him more then most people. He always did what he was told without a fuss and treated everyone with respect. Instead of being paired up with a tolerable partner, he had gotten…well…Hidan.
"—and that fucking nun told me that I was 'confused' when she saw my rosary and that I'm going to hell if I continued to follow Jashin-sama because he was like an evil masochist god or something fucked up like that! Can you believe it? That fucking nun is the one who's going to hell for saying that stuff about Jashin-sama—"
Zetsu sighed. He had never liked Hidan…at all. His constant yelling was irritating, his odd obsession with religion and how he tried to force it upon other people made Zetsu want to hit him over the head with a shovel, and his language…oh he hated the way Hidan talked.
"—I mean seriously, that old hag had some guts to tell me of all people that I was going to hell. I respect that. But she downright insulted Jashin-sama and I just couldn't let that slide. So I called her a 'shit-headed bitch-whore' but then she started yelling something about having 'virgin ears' and started doing the sign to warn off the devil. I really wanted to kill that bitch but it's against my religion to kill a nun so I paid one of the local punks to throw a rock at her. Then Kakuzu got all up in my face about spending money that didn't need to be spent—"
This really sucked. He tried to concentrate more on the tall trees that surrounded them other than the religious extremist.
"Kakuzu just fucking pisses me off. I mean, that money was well spent! Sometimes even nuns need rocks thrown at their fucking heads and I think that this one seriously deserved it," Hidan raged, "She had no place or right to say that my religion was wrong. I don't badmouth their religion and they shouldn't badmouth mine. It doesn't make sense. What the hell do they care about how and who I worship? It's none of their damn business—"
"I agree," Zetsu said. He only vaguely knew what he was agreeing to, but he figured that he if he didn't say something, he would end up being involved in the conversation. And he didn't want that to happen. The less time talking to Hidan the better, he thought.
Maybe he'd shut up now.
Hidan smiled, "Good, because if you didn't then I'd have to bash some fucking sense into you."
Zetsu didn't react, but decided to switch to a subject that Hidan would possibly be less enthusiastic to talk about. "So what happened to Kakuzu-san?"
Hidan stopped his ranting and quieted down in thought.
Zetsu sighed with relief. He finally got the silver haired jackass to shut his mouth for a few seconds while he thought. Although he didn't see why Hidan would actually have to think about something like that. If his partner was out of commission, Hidan should at least know why…or at least be able to give an answer in less than a minute.
Zetsu rolled his eyes at Hidan's slowness.
"Oh yeah. He reattached my head after he cut it off in a fit of rage for giving the kid…well, more money than I should have, so I poisoned his drink. So every time he stands up he feels dizzy then pukes."
Zetsu's darker half chuckled, "Revenge works in mysterious ways."
Hidan smiled. Partly because Zetsu (half of him, anyway) seemed to find his way of getting back at Kakuzu funny, and partly because of the memory of Kakuzu running to the bathroom every time he tried to stand up so he could eat. But that, of course, only resulted in more vomiting.
Zetsu held up his hand in a signal for Hidan to stop moving, "We're almost to the town," Zetsu stated, "You need to settle down a bit. And no unnecessary violence. We can't draw too much attention to ourselves."
"So we can draw some attention to ourselves?" Hidan asked, leaning against the tree of the branch he was standing on.
Zetsu gave him and odd look.
Hidan shrugged, "Well, you said 'We can't draw too much attention to ourselves' so that means that we can still draw some attention to ourselves, right?"
Zetsu blinked. This guy was a true head case.
"So that means that I kill someone in secret, then I wouldn't be drawing 'too much' attention to myself and still stay in the confines of the mission and I'd make Jashin-sama happy."
Zetsu blinked at him again. "Just don't."
Hidan laughed heartily and punched Zetsu's shoulder. "I was joking anyway."
Zetsu again gave him another odd look as if he thought that Hidan was mildly retarded from getting his head cut off too many times. "Let's get going," he said and jumped down from his position on a tree.
Hidan nodded and did the same, landing with much less grace and much more noise than his superior.
"We should split up," Zetsu stated. "We'll be able to find him faster. I'll take the Southwest side, you take the Northeast."
"You don't know where he is?" he asked incredulously.
Zetsu shook his head, "The information that I was given was this town and a picture." He took a folded piece of paper out of his cloak pocket and handed it to Hidan.
He snatched it quickly and unfolded it, "Damn! He's one ugly mofo!" he wrinkled his nose and narrowed his eyes at the picture.
"It'll be an easy face to remember."
"I don't think I wanna remember something that fucking ugly," Hidan scoffed. He handed the picture back to Zetsu. Or at least, he tried to. When the paper was still in his hand ten seconds later he looked next to him. Looked up and turned around in a circle, looking for the black and white man. Zetsu was gone. "Fucking plant-man," he muttered. He stuffed the picture into his pocket and stalked off into the city.
Zetsu tossed his bag into the corner of the hotel room the he and Hidan were to share, much to his dislike. It was a big enough, two beds and a small bathroom, and it didn't cost too much either. He sad down on his bed, propping himself up on the wall.
Day one with Hidan had been, at most, unsuccessful. He knew it was going to be since Hidan was an incompetent idiot. As far as he knew, Hidan had been slacking off and distracting himself from the mission while Zetsu searched every alley and store on his assigned half of the town.
To make matters worse, he discovered that Hidan was an overall slow person in more than one way. He moved very slowly and whined about how heavy his scythe was and blamed his physical slowness on that. He never responded quickly at all to any of Zetsu's questions or commands.
On more than one occasion that day, Zetsu wondered whether or not eating Hidan would in fact kill him, and whether or not he should try.
He had a headache due to Hidan that no amount of tea or herbs could get rid of. All that he wanted was some peace and quiet and time away from the masochistic religious freak.
He turned his face to the side, resting his head on the silky interior of the plant that encased him and closed his eyes. He didn't lay down though, knowing Hidan would be back soon, but he hoped to get at least a little bit of rest to calm himself down before there was a homicide.
He folded his arms over his chest and tried to slow his breathing. He listened to the people chatting on the ground below, liking the unintelligible background noise. The stress induced tension in his muscles slowly relaxed and faded away as he felt himself drifting off.
Zetsu started, his eye's snapping open to glare at the silver haired, pink eyed fucker.
"Are you asleep?"
Zetsu gritted his teeth, "I was."
Hidan grinned sheepishly. "Hey, sorry," he said, but clearly insincere. "Anyways, what'd you find out about the bastard?"
"Not much, I have narrowed his location to the East or North side of town," he sighed and sat back against his pillow again. He was fine with talking about business with Hidan. Business matters were never a problem. But if he heard Hidan mention Kakuzu or his religion again, Zetsu was going to cut his tongue off with a butter knife and feed it to a local dog.
"Okay," Hidan sat on his own bed and began to read through hotel's dinner menu.
"Did you find anything out about the target?" He didn't expect him to find anything because he was Hidan, but he just wanted to make sure.
Hidan stopped reading and stared off into space.
Zetsu understood that Hidan probably had a disrupted flow of blood to his head and it affected his thinking due to it being cut off so many times. But it honestly shouldn't take him more than a couple of seconds to remember events that happened earlier in the day. Especially crucial information.
Another minute of silence.
He snapped his fingers. "Oh yeah, I showed some old lady that worked at a grocery store his picture and she said that the bastard's name was actually Kon, and he's the manager of some place on the East side of town," Hidan said as he sat up, reaching into his cloak pocket, "I wrote down the address she gave me, here," he held out a piece of paper that looked like it had been torn off of a magazine with last years date in the upper corner and the said address scrawled diagonally. "Take it."
Zetsu took the paper and squinted at Hidan's elementary school level penmanship. "We'll check it out tomorrow." He put the paper in his own cloak and turned back to Hidan. "Thank you."
Hidan raised an eyebrow. "What for? I'm just doing the goddamn mission."
"For not slacking off like I thought you were doing. It was a slight underestimation of your character," Zetsu clarified.
Hidan chuckled. Not a happy kind of chuckle, but more the awkward nervous kind. "No problem man, seriously, I get plenty of that shit from Kakuzu so I'm pretty used to it." He picked up the menu again, staring hard at the words as if he was having a difficult time concentrating on them.
He sighed in frustration. Things were not going well, for him at least. Already he could tell that he was pissing Zetsu off, but he couldn't help it, he was just being his regular angry, religion obsessed self. Hidan wanted to leave a good impression with Zetsu for a few reasons, the main one being that he didn't want to find out if he'd still be immortal in Zetsu's stomach. "What do you want for dinner?" he asked, trying to be nicer now.
"I typically eat babies," Zetsu's black half said as if the item he requested was perfectly normal. He knew it wasn't, but it was fun to fuck with people's heads.
Hidan blinked. "I don't think they serve babies," he said slowly.
"Oh, then I'll just have a salad."
Hidan smirked and began to look at the menu again. "You are a seriously a fucked up guy."
He tossed the menu on the bed and headed for the door without another word. He left the room much more quietly than he had entered.
Only after Zetsu knew that Hidan was out of earshot, he muttered, "Hypocrite."
The two Akatsuki members woke early the next morning at the ass crack of dawn. The sky was still a murky purple color, the air cool, and the chatter of citizens that had been there the night before had disappeared.
Zetsu was ready to go within five minutes. He'd taken a quick shower, combed his hair, brushed his teeth, and had gotten dressed in the time it took Hidan to lift his head from the pillow.
Feeling quite impatient, he marched over to Hidan's bed. Instead of gently trying to get him up, he took a fistful of sheets in each hand and yanked the covers from Hidan. This, for whatever reason, startled Hidan and he started, moved a little to much to the left, and fell onto the floor wearing nothing but his boxers.
"Get up," Zetsu said flatly. "I'll be getting breakfast." He left the room.
Hidan grimaced against the floor, glaring at the door. "Fucker," he groaned.
Unlike Zetsu, it had take Hidan a good hour to get ready. Twenty minute shower; fifteen minutes doing his hair so every last strand was perfectly aligned; two minutes to brush his teeth; three minutes to fix a stand of hair that fell out of place; ten minutes to wash his face and use various cleansing products; five minutes to get dressed; and then he spent more time fixing his hair before he finally went downstairs to get food.
Zetsu, who had been waiting for quite some time already, just told Hidan to grab a muffin and hurry up in a tone no one in their right mind would argue with. Hidan, out of fear of slowly being dissolved by stomach acid, did what he was told.
Once they had left the hotel, it had only taken them mere minutes to arrive at the destination that Hidan's information provided.
"Hidan, are you sure this is the right place? I can't really read your handwriting," Zetsu said awkwardly as they stood in front of a tall building.
Hidan snatched the address from Zetsu and looked over it. He looked at the nearby street sign and then the numbers on the building, ignoring the stares they were receiving from locals. "Yep. Positive," he said bluntly.
"You do know what this place is, don't you?" Zetsu asked, still feeling even more awkward. Some of the villagers were staring at them and giving them disapproving looks, others were giggling at them.
Hidan shook his head, "Nope, but if the bastard who owes money is there, I seriously don't give a damn."
Zetsu cleared his throat, "It's a brothel," he said quietly, only just above a whisper.
"You know what that is, don't you?"
"No, and I don't care."
"It's a house of prostitution," Zetsu still spoke quietly. Even though he was a grown man and had seen things like this many times, he still greatly disapproved of brothels. The idea disgusted him.
He smirked. "You may have to jog my memory."
"A place where guys pay to have sex," Zetsu black half hissed.
Hidan went quiet for a second. He reached into his cloak pocket and pulled out the crumpled picture. He glanced at it for a second then at the brothel, "I can see why someone who looks like him would be here. I don't see any other way he would get some action," he chuckled and stuffed the paper in his cloak.
"Let's not waste any more time. We need to get this done as soon as possible," Zetsu reassumed a business like tone.
"Right," Hidan coughed, trying to compose himself.
Zetsu waited a few seconds then hesitantly walked into brothel. Hidan followed casually behind him, his hands laced behind his head and trying not to look suspicious.
Once inside, Hidan dropped the curtain that served as a door and caught up with Zetsu. There were a lot of people in there, mostly being women wearing loose kimonos. They sat quietly in large metal cages, flirting with the men at the bars and talking quietly amongst themselves. The inside of the building was tasteful, painted in green with gold accents. Clouded windows let in a small amount of light, giving the place a warmer atmosphere.
"This place disgusts me," Zetsu commented dully.
"Why? I think it's quite nice," Hidan replied, looking a wall painting that was conveniently placed behind a half naked woman who couldn't have been a day over twenty.
"I hate the purpose. I think that the idea is barbaric and degrading towards women. Women are people too, not tools to be used by men. I think that men that come here to use them in such a way are pathetic and shallow," he ranted in his usual calm voice.
Hidan chuckled, "But men have needs. And any woman who agreed to work here's degrading themselves anyway. They knew they were gonna get fucked by strangers when they ca—"
"—Excuse me, sir," a young woman, probably still in her teens, addressed Zetsu in a polite and friendly voice, "Is there anything I can help you with?"
"Yes there is, miss," Zetsu said simply, "I'm looking for a man."
Out of nowhere and for no apparent reason, Hidan snorted, adverting his gaze to the floor while his shoulders shook. He pinched the bridge of his nose and continued his nonsensical giggles.
Both the girl and Zetsu gave him an odd look.
Hidan stopped smirking, "Zetsu, I don't think you should be saying 'I'm looking for a man' in a house full of prostitutes."
The girl gave him a disapproving glare.
"Please pardon my partner," Zetsu apologized, fearing that the girl who looked somewhat intelligent would walk away with giving them information. "He's mentally retarded so his mind is usually in the gutter," his black half clarified.
The girl giggled, "It's fine. So, you said you were looking for someone?"
"Yes. Is there anyone by the name of Kon here?" he asked.
She nodded, "Right this way, I'll take you to his office." She smiled and led the two Akatsuki members down a hallway. She made a few turns and then headed up a flight of stairs. "So what business do you have with Kon?" she asked, still sounding like a good hostess.
"It's a private matter," Zetsu answered. He knew better than to let civilians know why they were there.
"That bastard owes us some fucking money!" Hidan voiced loudly, calling over Zetsu shoulder. "He's a—FUCK!" he yelped as Zetsu elbow jabbed sharply into Hidan's stomach, knocking him back a bit.
Zetsu gave him a firm glare.
"Why the fuck did you do that you fucking shit-headed jackass!" Hidan raved.
Zetsu didn't answer but turned his eyes back to the girl, who had stopped walking upon hearing Hidan's outburst.
"Is there a problem?" She asked.
"Coprolalia syndrome," Zetsu lied. "A disease where he can't control his swearing."
She smiled weakly at Hidan, "Bless your heart."
"Fuck you!" Hidan shouted his hands on the spot his partner hit.
She ignored him, figuring that Zetsu was the one who she needed to focus on, "Kon's office is the last room on the right at the end of the hall," she told him, putting on her best smile.
Zetsu nodded, "Thank you miss," he said and gave her a small sum of money equivalent to about five dollars.
She took the money and slid it into her sleeve, "Thank you for your patronage. I hope you have a nice day."
The bowed to each other before she headed back down the stairs to greet more customers.
Zetsu turned to Hidan briefly, saying, "You wait out here just in case. I'll go talk to Kon."
"I think I'm going to fucking vomit," Hidan complained. He leaned against the wall and held his stomach, "You know, I was seriously trying to be nice to you but then you had to go and fucking elbow me in the stomach! What the hell?"
"You were giving her information that she didn't need," he said as he put his hand on the handle of the door at the end of the short hallway, "And being nice to me won't get you anything except for some bonus points with Leader. That's if he wants to discuss your behavior on this mission," his black half added.
Hidan glowered at the back of Zetsu head as he opened the door to the office and stepped in. He wanted nothing more than to pierce the man's skull with a plastic spork, more for his own pleasure rather than a sacrifice to Jashin. He coughed a bit and made a mental note not to be in range of Zetsu's freakishly sharp elbow. The stupid bastard.
He plopped himself onto the granite surface below him and leaned his head back against the wall to wait. And wait. And wait. And fucking wait.
It took about a half hour, Hidan assumed, until he could finally hear someone approaching the door.
"Finally," he sighed with relief. He had been so bored that he resorted to counting tiles on the floor and playing a string the he pulled off of his cloak. But then a random cat came by and insisted on playing with the string as well and ran off with it. He also heard disturbing sounds from the other rooms and in a house full of prostitutes; he could only guess what they could be. So leaving was a welcomed change.
He stood up and took his scythe in his hand. He watched the door impatiently, thinking that Kon must be a very chatty guy.
The door squeaked open as Zetsu and another man stepped out.
"Damn man! Your face could make a blind kid cry." Hidan shouted, but couldn't help but laugh. Kon was uglier in person. A flat nose, small eyes, bald, a droopy and wrinkled face plagued with moles.
Zetsu narrowed his eyes and quickly stuffed the bag of money into his shirt. He turned to Kon, "Excuse my partner."
Kon waved his hand dismissively and walked back into the office, closing the door behind him.
Zetsu slowly turned back to Hidan who was literally rolling on the floor with laughter, clutching his sides, as if he had just seen Kakuzu wearing a bright yellow sunflower dress. Zetsu picked up the silver haired man by the back of his cloak and placed him on his feet, looking him directly in the eye, "If you talk again I'm going to eat you," he said very firmly and not in his usually polite and calm voice.
Hidan snickered, but shut up. Zetsu meant it.
They spent the rest of the day in silence. The village was already far behind them and all that they needed to do was turn in the mission. After that they could go their separate ways.
Zetsu sighed, "I agree."
Hidan didn't say anything in fear of being plant food.
"Kon was…very…odd looking," Zetsu clarified.
Hidan snorted to hide his laugh at the reminder of the man's face.
Zetsu smiled too, "You should go get Kakuzu while I turn the mission in."
Hidan nodded but gave Zetsu the look that a child gave their mother when they wanted something but couldn't talk.
"I'll tell Leader that you were useful and for the most part well-behaved. Don't worry about that," He answered.
Hidan smiled, "Can I talk?"
Zetsu narrowed his eyes and licked his lips, "I'm suddenly hungry for holy blood."
Hidan's eyes widened, "I take that as a 'no'."
Zetsu smile broadly at him, showing all of his sharp teeth.