A humorous Naruto fanfic

A/N: The idea for this fic came from the thought "If jutsus can be mastered, can they be stuffed up?" I needed a jutsu that if it did backfire, it wouldn't cause widespread destruction to Konoha. It is a pretty small list, the more harmless jutsus. After getting rid of the medical jutsus (stuffing them up makes people DIE!) or invisibility style jutsus (Permanent invisibility stories are over done) only 2 jutsus were left. Clone jutsus and Naruto's first original jutsu. Clone jutsus would end up being a bad Multiple Man fanfic, so I went with Naruto's first original jutsu. The Ninja Centerfold Jutsu. (Alternatively, sexy jutsu or Art of Eros, if you prefer those names). Pairings are NaruHina, NaruHina (yes, NaruHina is there twice), one-sided JiraTsun, possible SakuIno, Possible NejiTenLee. Yes, there is many perverted pairings. Notice the lack of Yaoi? Look at my profile to discover why. I have nothing against Yaoi except what a straight male has against gay stories. Set after time skip. Ages of Naruto characters are as shippuden, give or take a year. Naruto is 15-16 and is finally starting to realize that kunoichi are more than just female ninjas, but girls.

Lucian Arane: Omega does not own Naruto. Masashi Kishimoto does. Omega does not claim to own Naruto. He does claim that he would like to own Hinata is struck by lightning from a suspicious looking cloud with the Omega symbol formed out of clouds How troublesome… struck again

There are many Jutsus, created to make life easier for ninjas. Some are used for healing, some to distract, some for use in battle. A jutsu is defined as the molding or shaping of chakra into an effect that influences the area around the user.

Excerpt from "Things a Genin should know. Leaf Edition" by Toad-J

"Good afternoon Hinata, Is that your sister?" asked Ayame to the two lavender eyed girls. Hanabi looked at her older sister, raising an eyebrow "You come here often?" the younger Hyuuga asker her senior. Hinata fumbled with her fingers "ahm…er...yes." Stammered Hinata. "Why do you come here? You do know that the branch family will cook anything you ask them to" Hinata blushed. "Hanabi, it's rude to say such things. Anyway, there are other reasons why I come here and why I do not get the branch family to cook for me. Namely they should not be treated as the main houses personal servants, but as equals." Hanabi just yawned, "Is one of the reasons a certain blonde ninja with whisker marks?" Hinata blushed "If so, then someone who looks a lot like him is kicking up a lot of dust and is coming this way." Hinata looked to over where Hanabi was looking and saw Naruto. At least it looked like Naruto. Orange jumpsuit. Check. Whisker marks. Check. Blond hair. Check. Sculpted chest muscles I want to run my hands over. Cannot check those without activating the Byukagan! "Byukagan!" Hinata said, her normally invisible irises of her eyes showing up, the area around her eyes having the veins bursting out.

Hinata fainted, as she normally did when she tried to use her bloodline limit to see through Narutoes clothes. Something was different this time. As Naruto stopped her head from hitting the ground, two thoughts swirled around her head since when did Naruto look so female? Since when did Naruto have breasts?...

"There is one thing all ninjas should fear. It is not the enemy. It is not the concept of a clan massacre. It is not a mission being compromised. The one thing all ninjas should fear is a jutsu backfiring."

Excerpt from "101 things every ninja should know" Author unknown

"Who are you and what have you done with Naruto!" yelled Sakura, as the person who seemed to look like Naruto carried Hinata into the hospital. "If you have harmed him in any way, I will…."

"Sakura. I will tell you who I am if you will ask me questions only Naruto would be able to answer. Then you shall have your explanation."

"OK then, who was the Jonin who led team seven 2 and a half years ago?"

"I find your lack of faith disturbing, Sakura. The Jonin who led team seven was Kakashi Hatake; the famous copy Nin with only one or two original jutsus. Want to ask me something harder?"

"How did he test team seven?"

"Harder next time. Bell test. The day before, Kakashi told Naruto, you and Sasuke to not eat breakfast. You three being the obedient Genin did so. Kakashi turned up late. He said that he had two bells and the test was to get one of the bells before noon. Naruto pointed out that there were only 2 bells, meaning that one person would fail."

"You want a harder question? Fine then. What was the jutsu that Kakashi used on Naruto to teach him to not show his back to the enemy?"

"Now you're getting it! Secret Forbidden Hidden Leaf Village Jutsu: 1000 years of Death! Essentially the jutsu is finding the opponents weak point and exploiting it with a physical object. In Narutoes case, the Tiger hand sign and Naruto's ass."

"Now can I get your name?"

"Granny Tsunade would beat you up for not getting it by now. My name is Naruto Uzumaki, The treeless leaf ninja."

"Then why the henge?"

"Backfired Jutsu training. Thought I hadn't used the Ninja Centrefold Jutsu in a while and decided to practice seal less, smokeless jutsus. Now can you see to Hinata? She fainted when I came near her. Her Byukagan is active, if that helps."


"Talk later; see to Hinata-Hime now!"

"Hinata will be fine, Naruto. Had you not noticed that she only faints around you?" Naruto scratched her head, trying to recall all the times Hinata had fainted. "You mean she only faints around me? I thought she did that often." Sakura facefell, creating quite a loud noise. "Naruto, you dobe! Can't you see the obvious! Hinata li….." Sakura was about to tell Naruto that Hinata liked him when a certain dog and boy appeared. It was Kiba and his massive dog Akamaru. "Hey Sakura, I thought I smelled a strange female presence here. Know anything about it?" Naruto turned around to look at Kiba. Kiba saw Naruto and unwillingly performed the Blood Release: Body Rocket Technique. She is fucking hot! Wonder if I could….

"Gods, Kiba! You are almost as bad as Ero-Sennin! At least he had the ability to not get a blood nose at the sight of me!"

"Who are you, fair maiden?" asked Kiba trying to impress this goddess in front of him.

"She's Naruto, you idiot! Can't you see the whisker marks?"

"Naruto? But you are not a girl! I've seen your meat…." Said Kiba. Before he could finish, Naruto slapped Kiba across the face "The 6 of us swore to never say anything about that in front of a female. EVER! Now you must be punished as sworn by the six of us. Now, I wonder if Anko will let me borrow her chains and some other things…" Kiba fainted

"Naruto, what are you talking about? Is there something I should know?" enquired Sakura. Naruto sighed. "Let us just say that 6 of the rookie 9 managed to steal some sake, got drunk and did some stupid things. The next morning, we swore to never tell anyone exactly what had happened that night, on pain of being chained up and anally violated by Anko's biggest vibrator. Guess I have to tell the other 3, since we can't find Sasuke."

"Um, Naruto, you do realize that you will have the same effect on them as you did on Kiba. I do not think it would be such a great idea for you to be running around the village like that. Sorry, I can't keep calling you Naruto, since Naruto to me is male, while you are not male at the moment."

"Why not call me Naruko. It is what I call myself when I use that jutsu. I think Granny Tsunade should be told about this"

"About what? Only one person calls me Granny Tsunade and he gets away with it because I like his spunk," said a tall woman. Naruko and Sakura turned to the source of the voice and saw Tsunade, the fifth Hokage, legendary Slug sage and medic-nin. "Well, you certainly are not Naruto. Care to explain?"

"It started when I realized that I was stuck on my Rasengen training. I was trying to be able to form a rasengen by myself with no shadow clones helping me. I remembered some advice I read saying that if you are stuck on a problem, walk away from it and do something else. I realized that I had not performed the Ninja centerfold jutsu for quite a while. I know it is a useless technique to have, but it did help me get Jiraiya to train me. I thought that I should try performing the jutsu without smoke or handseals. It worked, but the transformation was too slow to be useful. I wanted to be able to walk behind a tree as Naruto and emerge from behind the tree as Naruko. I managed to speed it up to that point. By then, it was lunchtime. I dispelled the jutsu (or so I thought) and ran into town to get to Ichirakus for lunch. As I ran past, I saw a lot of male villagers get nosebleeds like Kiba did. Then I looked at myself and I saw that I was still Naruko. I needed help from someone who wouldn't judge me, so I went to find Hinata. I know that she goes to Ichirakus for lunch when I am in the village, so I went there. I saw Hinata and then saw that she had fainted again. A smaller Hyuuga who was with her said something like "I never knew she swung that way" before running off giggling. I brought Hinata here so she could get help. Sakura can tell you the rest. Now can you help Hinata?" explained Naruko. Tsunade looked shocked at Naruko's explanation, but started looking worried when Naruko told her about "The smaller Hyuuga"

"That "smaller Hyuuga" is Hinata's younger sister, Hanabi. I can't tell you why Hanabi ran off giggling because Hinata would want to tell you herself. Naruko, come with me to the Hyuuga compound so we can explain this to Hiashi. Sakura, can you treat Hinata?" but before Sakura could reply, Tsunade and Naruko had already left.

"Backfired jutsus are defined as the name given to the phenomenon where a jutsu backfires or does not do what the ninja wants it to do. The ninja should fear this, since it may have effects on the world around them. A backfired battle jutsu could mean the destruction of everything within a 10 meter radius. A backfired medical jutsu could result in people dying. A backfired clone jutsu could result in undismissable clones or the clones refusing to do what the ninja wants them to. A backfired Emergency Escape jutsu could actually make those you wish to hide from know exactly where you are. Just ask the charming toad sage."

Excerpt from "cover your ass, the things every ninja should know, but were never taught at the academy" Author unknown

"So, what you are saying is that my youngest daughter is a liar?" growled Hiashi, towards the Fifth and Naruko. Tsunade sighed. "No, I am not calling Hanabi a liar. It is not considered lying if you do not have all the facts before opening your mouth"

"So you are saying that Hinata is attracted to this girl?"

"In a manner of speaking, yes. But….."

"You confuse me. Explain."

"Naruko, can I ask you to step outside for a few moments? I suggest you go find Hanabi and explain to her the difference between Lying and Spreading gossip" asked Tsunade, although it seemed more like an order. Naruko complied and went looking for Hanabi.

"Now you can explain. I thought my daughter was attracted to the Yondaimes legacy?"

"She is. That girl is Naruto. Naruto developed a jutsu that would allow him to transform into a girl. For what reason, I do not know. Naruto was training that jutsu earlier today so he could transform faster, without hand seals or smoke. It seems that it backfired and the jutsu has become, as Shikamaru would put it, troublesome to dispel. I noticed that you called Naruto "Yondaimes legacy". Most people call him Kyuubi brat or Demon child. Why the kinder term?"

"I said it because I do think it is right, not because I am talking to you. Naruto seems to be able to inspire Hinata, to spur her on. Someone else had a similar ability for my Hikaru. It seems that history is repeating itself."

"Hang on; you're saying that Minato Namekaze, Konoha's yellow flash and the Fourth Hokage was able to inspire your wife much like Naruto does for Hinata?"

"Yes, I am afraid so. I was one of Hikaru's friends who would try and help her get over her fear that Minato wouldn't want her if she confessed her feelings for him. I knew that if she did do it, I would never have a chance with her. He made her happy to be around. I was there for the worst day of her life, when she saw Minato confess his feelings for Kushina Uzumaki. I comforted her and confessed my feelings about her. The rest, as they say, is history. As a result, I have 2 daughters that I would defend with my honor and my life. I have done so a few times."

"Did you ever try and sabotage her chances with Minato?"

"I did contemplate it once, but never carried it out. I realized that I would be happy if Hikaru-Hime was happy and if Minato Namekaze made Hikaru happy, then so be it."

"Did you consider adopting Kushinas child? Naruto's life would have been a lot better if you did…"

"Don't think I did not try to. Every time I submitted adoption papers, the council rejected them and told me it was an S-class secret as to why. I approached Saturobi and asked him why, since he could tell me and not break the laws regarding such secrets. He told me that the council, on hearing that I wanted to adopt Naruto, decreed that no clan should have sole dominion over "That demon child", as he would be too powerful a weapon to use against other clans."

"Then why didn't you help him out later in life?"

"Don't think I didn't. If you look at the Uchiha files regarding the mobs attacking Naruto, you will notice something. None of the names taken are Hyuugas. I decreed that attacking the blond child would be counted as an insult to the Yondaimes memory in my eyes and such a transgression would result in Exaurilation and the caged bird seal being placed upon them, then having the seal constantly activated to cause pain."

"Exaurilation? What is that?"

"Only clans with Doujutsu such as the Byukagan or Sharingan use such a punishment. Essentially, the eyes are removed while the criminal is aware of it. No sedative, no tranquilizers, just a rubber tube to bite down on. Exaurilation has not been done for many, many, many generations, but the threat of such a thing works almost as well as the actual procedure."

"So you made sure he didn't get hit with Jyuuken. Anything else?"

"I nurtured my eldest daughters' kindness towards those who needed it. Particularly orphans with blond hair living by themselves. Not to disrespect Saturobi, but his cooking skills were not that good. Hinata, when she was not training, would spend time in the kitchen with her mother, learning how to cook. Hikaru once asked me why her dishes seem to disappear, only to reappear a few days later smelling of ramen. I told her that Hinata was giving food to those who needed it more than she did. Naruto never knew that the mysterious dishes of food left on his doorstep were from his lavender eyed angel, watching out for him."

"And I thought you were some hardass father who wanted his daughter to be the perfect Jyuuken machine."

"We all wear masks, Leaf Shadow. You know who the mysterious author of CYA: the things a ninja should know, but was never taught at the academy. I believe that he writes soft core pornography as his full time job, does "research" at the women's bathhouses and takes no shame in admitting that he is a super pervert. This man uses the mask of anonymity to write useful books for upcoming ninjas. If he were to use his real name, the books would not be as widespread as they are now. I wear the mask of a father who wants his daughters to be like sons to hide the fact that I have the best interests of my daughters at heart. Frankly, I wouldn't care if Naruto never came out of his current problem, since it would stop me worrying about Hinata creating illegitimate children."

"You want Naruto to stay this way just so Hinata doesn't get pregnant? I know that the Hyuugas are protective of their lavender eyes, but forcing your eldest daughter to become a lesbian in order to be with the one she loves? That's taking it a bit too far for my liking. Besides, what if Naruko doesn't feel the same way about Hinata? Or if Naruko prefers penis? What will you do then?"

"I have a feeling that Naruko likes Hinata, but fears coming too close to having to meet me because I command a clan of ninjas that can kill you with a single tap to the chest. So I make him work up the courage to ask me if he can date my daughter. When he does that, that's when my mask will slip and tell him the first lesson of Jyuuken, namely not to use it lightly. What Naruto doesn't know is that Jyuuken doesn't work on him! Due to the Kitsune no Kyuubi being sealed inside him, Jyuuken won't work. He only thinks it does. Think of it as a genjutsu without the illusions. I have your word that none of this will be repeated to him, or her as the case is?"

"Partially. I think Naruto should know who left the food for him all those years ago and the reason why there never was any Hyuugas in the mobs that attacked him. The Jyuuken things, your mask won't be told to him or her, as you pointed out. He knows who his parents were, so you can explain the whole reason behind your clan's actions. Just promise me one thing. You won't tell Naruko about Hinata liking him. That secret is Hinata's alone to tell. Sakura was about to tell him when a boy and his dog interrupted them. And yes, it is true about Jiraiya and CYA, if you had any doubts. Its sort of a deal he made with Saturobi, Minato and then I. As long as he writes the CYA books, Konoha will never ban his less savory works, to which the village's male population is secretly thankful. I know you buy them and frankly, I don't care. As long as you don't leave them lying around for Hanabi or her friends to find or use them when teaching her about the facts of life, I don't care. Jiraiya lets me look at the mailing list, just to make sure that no one who shouldn't be on the list isn't. He is allowed to have one violation on that list because he trained his father and then him when he showed a rather interesting talent that appealed to him. I think the violations pseudonym is 9-T. I make sure 9-T doesn't let his friends read the books."

"This mailing list. Is it only Konoha residents or does it stretch into the land of sound?"

"Don't think we didn't think of that. There was a name could have been him. I think it was "PaleSnakeLover" or something like that. Turned out to be the only female on the list! She is heavily into Submission and Domination and is going out with "MaskedScarecrow" if my information is correct"

Yes, it turned into a gossip session about who was on the Icha Icha mailing list and the amusing names people used to hide their perversity

A/N: now to explain some of the things that might have you stumped. Facefalling basically is what happens when an anime character says something stupid or obvious and everyone falls to the ground with a leg in the air, possibly twitching.

Blood Release: Body Rocket technique is basically a blood nose. It is in the same class of "jutsu" as SFHLVJ: 1KYoD, Wind Release: Stinking cloud technique (My RL friends will get the reference. Basically the made up name of Naruto breaking wind, as used in the 3rd exam prelims against Kiba) and Forbidden Jutsu: Large Head of the Master technique (Irukas trademark non-battle jutsu)

What Kiba was going to say before Naruko interrupted him was ""Naruto? But you're not a girl! I've seen your meat kunai" as a reference to his genitalia. Other terms include Trouser Titan, Pork sword, and single barreled yoghourt cannon. Yeah, it's kind of a male thing.

Before you ask, no, I will not make Naruko go out with your favorite male character. Naruko may physically be female, but mentally, she is still male. No, I am not making her a slut just because it's your fantasy for him to do so.

The 6 that Naruto was referring to are the 6 male Genin in Naruto's year. If you want names, then fine! Naruto Uzumaki, Sasuke Uchiha, Shikamaru Nara, Choji Akimichi, Kiba Inazuka and Shino Aburame. Basically, they got drunk and thought it would be a great idea to compare lengths, as guys do when they are drunk, since if they mention it, they can just say that it was a hallucination brought upon by the sake. The 6 of them swore to never speak of it again, on pain of being chained up and anally violated by Anko's largest and most powerful vibrator.

Anko's the proctor of the second part of the Chunin exam. Most fanfic writers place her as a horny woman with a lot of sex toys. If they want to pair her up with someone, usually, it's Kakashi.

Exaurilation is an original punishment based on the ebberonian concept of Excoriatation, in which the Excorates dragonmark is flayed off their skin. For a clan that values their lavender eyes, Exaurilation is the most extreme single punishment that can be handed out.

Naruto needed a title. It seems that everyone has a title. Kakashi is known as the Copy-nin or the Scarecrow-Nin. Jiraiya Is either pervy sage, Ero-sennin, toad sage or Super pervert. I thought that Naruto's title should somehow say that he had no parents growing up. I thought the Treeless Leaf-nin sounded good, as it shows that he had no parents growing up, no real father figure, and no loving mother figure. The Treeless Leaf sounds good, but the Sixth Hokage sounds even better. Naruto realizes that no one takes him seriously if he keeps saying that he will become the next Hokage constantly, so he rarely says it.

Additional note: If you want to know why I have NaruHina twice in the top, it will be revealed soon enough. Let me just say that the Naru in both of them is not the same Naru. Why I have NejiTenLee is because frankly, I can't decide who the hells should get Tenten and I kind of like the idea of Neji and Lee having to "share" Tenten. She doesn't mind, as she gets Neji AND Lee. They have set up rules for such a thing. Namely, Neji and Lee alternate days, with the seventh day being group date/ free time day. Most of the teams I have a favored person to go with the female, but not team gai. From team seven, Sasuke gets Sakura, Team 8 has Hinata with Naruto, leaving Shino and Kiba unloved, team 10 has ShikaIno, leaving munchy with his bags of chips. Team suna has FOR THE SAKE OF THE GODDESS, THEY ARE BROTHERS AND SISTER! Oh and I despise NejiHina romance fics. Friendship NejiHina is fine, but romance NejiHina? Genetically speaking, Neji, Hinata and Hanabi are half siblings, since their fathers were identical twins. Assuming that the Byukagan is not a positive result of inbreeding, NejiHina is just WRONG on so many levels

P.S. Lucian Arane would like to say that all members of the Hyuuga clan are perverts. Especially Hinata. Good thing she faints whenever she sees or imagines Naruto naked. Lucian Arane would also like so say something that is plain wrong regarding the Inazuka's sexual preferences, but He was struck repeatedly by The Same Cloud As Before every time he opened his mouth.