© Ubdegrove and Caves 2000
Jipster with contributions by Logansmoneypenny
Rating: PG verging on the unclassified...
Archive: Yes if you want it :)
Footnote: (yeah I know its in the middle but this is not important as much as it is important) An earlier incarnation of this story, a lot shorter then, was posted way back in 1997, in one post to various comments of the humorous nature.
Summary: The BBC has secured the rights to make a British version of the hit show, The A-Team, adapting the format where necessary for the English market. Amazingly, they have also secured the talents of the US show's stars, appearing as their respective characters in this version (but being paid a hell of a lot less).
Warning: This is pure blasphemy
The A-Team does not belong to me yet and I respectfully borrow the characters from that darling chappy called Stephen Cannell and his productions. I also respectfully borrow Olde London Town, The Beatles, The Professionals, Robin Williams, the Carry on team and the Great British institution.
This is the English pilot episode; it was filmed but never shown on TV for fear of angry parents complaining about the violence, the rise in crime it would obviously encourage and for putting the London Transport Police in a bad light. Oh and also because its total, total pants. i.e.: not very good.
Fade to black.
Music starts; a helicopter is shown despatching soldiers.
Ten years ago a crack commando unit was sent to prison by a military court for a crime they didn't commit, meanwhile in England, a similar crack commando group were punished severely for wearing their hair too long. Unable to face cutting their hair these men promptly escaped to the London Underground. Today, they survive as soldiers of fortune and occasional buskers. Now only really wanted by the London Transport police they continue to cause misery and mayhem as they strain to the sounds of the Beatles and try to find people to help. If you have a problem, if no one else can help, maybe you could find these guys and give us all a break.
Big intro music.
George Peppard as Hannibal 'hows your father' Smith
Dirk Benedict as Templeton 'Faceman hows my hair' Peck
Dwight Schultz as Not So Howling Mad Murdock but Eccentric
Mr T as BA (man)
Lance DeGuilt as Officer Dibble...sorry Decker
Lewis Collins as Cool Dude Bodie
Martin Shaw as big hair Doyle
Bad guys aplenty
Jipster as herself (the bitch)
Big music ends dramatically...
The crowds poured down the escalators as the rush hour continued. Businessmen and woman were looking forward to the comforts of home in the suburbs.
"Hey Jude," BA began to sing "sucker, don't be so down, smile man or I'll punch you down," BA continued as he strummed his guitar.
"Now, BA. You know that's not how the song goes," Hannibal remarked as he took a break on the sax.
"Man, I'm tired of busking, when are we gonna see some action?"
"Pretty soon I guess, I mean there must be some lost soul in all this crowd, looking for some help," Hannibal motioned to the long stream of people.
"You have Faceman wearing that sign again, dontcha?"
"It pays to advertise."
"Man, the transport police ain't dumb, they can read you know."
"Hmmm, but they haven't caught us so far," Hannibal stated.
BA shook his head and strummed on his guitar once more.
"Help, I need some sucker, help, not just any sucker, help, I need someone, preferably one whose not on the jazz," BA sang.
A businessman threw ten pence into BA's cap on the floor, BA growled, the man threw in a ten pound note and ran off.
"Nice, BA, nice."
Face and Murdock walked around the ticket hall, Face was holding a piece of card that read, soldiers of fortune for hire, apply within.
"Excuse me, sir," Face approached a stout looking gentleman.
The gentleman glanced up but hurried forward.
"Could I interest you in hired help? Experts in war fare, can build a tank out of a lawnmower and we also cat sit for a reasonable fee."
"Cat sit you say?" The man perked up.
"Sure, £100 for a fortnight."
"Bit steep I think," The man remarked.
"For your cat? Shame on you sir and we're supposed to be a cat loving nation."
"Why would I want to leave my cat with you? I know about you, you're one of those loonies who refused to cut their hair and went to live on the underground, I'm going to tell."
"Makes no difference, we can't be caught," Face shrugged.
"Because, we've been on the run for over ten years, isn't that evidence enough?"
"Why am I still talking to you?"
"You helping to add background to our plight I think, making us look good," Face smiled.
The gentleman stormed off having already missed his train.
"Any luck, Faceyman?" Murdock asked as he returned from the Bakerloo line.
"No, you know, people in London just don't want our help, if only they opened up their minds a little more to the fantastic things we could do," Face sighed.
"Big explosions, car chases and fights."
"In London? Only Bond gets to do that stuff, man, and even then he makes sure he blows up some foreign city as opposed to old London town and before you correct me I haven't seen the new film, OK? Anyway, Faceman, I think you've been watching too many of those American films, that just don't happen in real life."
"So, that's it, we just busk our way to freedom?"
"Yeppers," Murdock smiled.
"No way, not me, I'm going up there," Face motioned upwards.
"No, Face. You can't. We came underground because we were no longer accepted up there, you can't go to ground level, it's too early."
"We've been down here for ten years, Murdock. We've all realised the errors of judgement we made and cut our hair, its not the seventies no more, I want to live the eighties, man, I need to wear those suits with the arms scrunched up to the elbow like I saw the other night," Face whined.
"No, I mean it's too early, you go up there now and you'll get trampled in the crush that is the rush hour, you think its bad down here mate, try ground level, phew," Murdock frowned in mock horror.
"Wait a minute, you telling me that you've been above ground, even though Hannibal forbids it?" Face checked.
"Sure, I'm crazy, I don't follow no rules man," Murdock reasoned.
"No, Murdock, you're not crazy, not over here anyway. We're all eccentric over here remember, we're 'supposed' to be English. Why do you think all the English actors get to play the mad bad guys in those American films? And people like Kosner gets to play 'our' ledgendary heroes, did you see Prince of Thieves?"
"Face, that hasn't even been made yet, Kosner's just a guy with a field and a dream," Murdock whispered.
Face looked at Murdock; Murdock looked at Face.
"So, you have been watching those American films then," Murdock suddenly announced with a smirk.
"No, I've been stuck down here for the past ten years, the closest I get, is looking at the bloody film posters plastered all over the stations! Have you seen the leading ladies on some of those, they defy gravity," Face yelled in despair.
"There's no need to shout old chum," Murdock stated.
"I can't believe you've been going above ground all this time, dishonest, that's what you've been, its just not on, its just not cricket."
"Oh, shush, Face. You really do go on don't you," Murdock huffed.
"I'm telling Hannibal, he'll back me up," Face stressed before storming off.
"Sometimes that man can be terribly irritating, you know," Murdock rolled his eyes as he pursued the Faceman.
"Mr Face, please wait!" Murdock hollered as politely as he could.
"What is it, dear friend?" Face obliged.
"Listen, Mr Hannibal need not know of my, say little expeditions, now does he?"
Face thought for a moment.
"I want to see the Eighties, I want to go above ground and be a new romantic," Face's eyes misted over momentarily.
Americans called it New Wave, Boy George, Adam Ant, etc
"Well, follow me and I will take you, but be warned it's not a safe place for people like us. I've heard dungarees are back in fashion," Murdock looked sincere.
"People like us?"
"You'll see," Murdock sighed.
The guitar's strummed as the noise filled the tunnels.
"Come on, come on, baby, now," BA sang
"Twist and shout, twist and shout," Hannibal joined him.
"Man, I'm sick of this already," BA smashed his guitar up and immediately received a hearty round of applause from the waiting passengers on the platform, an array of small change followed sharpish.
"Finally some peace," a passenger commented as he dropped some change.
Murdock led Face up the steps to ground level; around him people pushed and shoved them as they hurried home.
"I'm scared Murdock," Face admitted, feeling intimidated by the crowds.
"This is the rush hour, mate, you get use to it," Murdock smiled.
Murdock allowed Face to get climatised and then promptly shielded him as two cars collided and smashed in front of them.
"What was that?" Face yelled looking at the blazing cars in front of them.
"This always happens when I come up here," Murdock shook his head.
"I don't understand."
"It's the token car crash, this is why Hannibal prefers us to stay underground, it saves us money per episode. The BBC could never afford to stage a train crash every episode and it saves on Helicopter hire as well," Murdock shrugged.
"Didn't you know old boy? I'm a dab hand in the old chopper department," Murdock revealed.
"Are you now? nudge, nudge, wink, wink," Face smiled with a cheeky grin.
"Face, this is the eighties. English sexual innuendo just isn't hip any more!" Murdock told him sharply. "We're into satire and political humour now!"
"You know, Young Ones, Ben Elton, Alexi Sayle," Murdock prompted.
"Oh, Oh, well really I'm not really into that kind of comedy," Face responded.
"Oh you'd love them, you must like the Goons?" Murdock asked.
"Oh yes, I like one of their sketches, the dead parrot?"
"Face, that was Monty Python," Murdock sighed.
"Oh, I always got those two mixed up," Face apologised.
The rain starting falling and all the umbrellas went up like a shot, Face and Murdock stood getting wet.
"You know, seeing as we're supposed to be English, we're really looking like American tourists at the moment," Murdock remarked.
Face agreed as he used his jacket to cover his fine head of hair, Murdock looked over and saw a row of umbrella shops to his left. Crossing the road, Face and Murdock stopped for the token horse and carriage before reaching the shop called 'Umbrellas R Us'.
"Cor blimey, gov'nor, you out in this rain without a brolly?"
"Huh?" Face questioned.
"Leave this to me, I speak the native tongue," Murdock assured him.
"Dear chap, I need to purchase an umbrella of your finest quality," Murdock asked.
"What he say?"
Murdock looked bemused and then realised his error.
"Sorry, I need a brolly, quick smart before me cockles get all wet, mate," Murdock chirped.
Face nudged Murdock gently.
"Why'd you make the mistake?"
"Well, Face we're in Central London, the cockneys really should stick to their own patch. I mean we can't all assume that anyone from London is a cockney, its just so unfair, but this man obviously has a wanderers heart," Murdock explained.
"You mean he's moved from East London to Central London?"
"Yeah, that's quite an achievement for him, respect it," Murdock stated.
"But I don't understand," Face stated.
"Shut up," Murdock asked as an umbrella came into his possession.
"Actually, you were right the first time old chap. Its just the tourists love to hear a bit of cockney, it sells the brollys," the shopkeeper replied.
And as if by magic a gentleman in a bowler hat appeared.
"Mr Benn, long time no hear," The shopkeeper smiled.
"Piss off," Mr Benn stated in a huff. "I don't want to go to the American Wild West today, I just want a new suit!"
"But I sell brollys, mate, hence the name 'Umbrellas R Us', you want the shop next door, 'Costumes R Us and you can have some drugs and visit any place in the dressing room bit'," he responded.
"Face, I really think we should leave now, this is all getting a bit too English in jokey," Murdock motioned and they both ran out the shop fast.
"That was close," Murdock stated, catching his breath.
"What was going to happen?" Face asked concerned.
"We were nearly in a situation of seriously losing the plot," Murdock stated with conviction.
"I already think it's too late," Face muttered.
"Not if we act fast, I don't think anyone has noticed," Murdock stated and pointed to a really scary dark alleyway. "Look!"
A woman screamed and it came from the really scary dark alleyway.
Face and Murdock looked at each other; they smiled and hugged.
"A plot line!" They yelled in unison, and hurried to the really scary dark alleyway.
Hannibal and BA wandered the now disserted station; a London Underground employee swept away disused tickets and ignored the most wanted men as they walked past him.
"I wonder why Decker never catches us when it's quiet," Hannibal asked out loud.
"Cos its in our sales pitch that we never get caught, that we've not been caught for ten years. This is the pilot, man! It'll be stupid to have us caught in the pilot," BA huffed.
"But even so, it's a bit of a plot hole," Hannibal remarked.
"Naw man, Decker works 9-5, he's at home eating a nice home made Shepherds Pie, drinking a nice cup of tea with lashings of milk," BA smiled.
"Oh, well that explains it then. You seen Murdock or Face today?"
"Fool, I've been with you the whole time!" BA stated. "Explain that, plot hole finding man!"
"Alright, alright," Hannibal dismissed. "Well, any ideas on where we can find them?"
"Dunno, if they ain't here I guess they ain't here," BA said thoughtfully.
"But where else could they be?" Hannibal asked confused.
"You know how big the London Underground is? They could be anywhere man, Bakerloo, Circle, Metropolitan, District, Central, Picadilly, Northern, Jubilee Lines and if its not too early to mention it time-wise, the Docklands light railway," BA said, glancing nervously over to the director who gave the thumbs up.
"Murdock has become rather attached to the outer limits lately, didn't he propose to Northolt last week?"
"Naw, it was Greenford and he knows not to go there, they are both overground underground stations."
"I have warned him about that, but you know he's always playing the fool and being the weird one," Hannibal smiled affectionately.
"Rules are rules, man," BA stated.
"Rules are made to be broken," Hannibal stated. "And I'm in charge, I'm the leader. I need to talk to both of them, we need to plan our play list for tomorrow," Hannibal announced with new enthusiasm.
"Man, we only have one play list, its always the same," BA moaned. "Beatles, Beatles, Beatles," he stressed.
"Everybody loves the Beatles," Hannibal reasoned.
"Not everybody, man!" BA warned.
"Well what do you suggest?"
"I suggest I smash another guitar and look pissed," BA growled.
"And exactly what would that achieve?"
"The same thing we always achieve, the same thing we have achieved for the past ten years!" BA stated.
"No tell me, BA, you can talk to me, buddy," Hannibal cooed.
"That's it, nothing!" BA repeated.
"Wanna hug?" Hannibal offered.
"This is the English version, we don't do the sentimental crap over here, man!" BA reminded him.
Hannibal quickly stepped back; keeping a dignified distance so no bystanders would get the wrong idea.
"Sorry, BA," he muttered, highly embarrassed.
"It's Ok, man," BA dismissed.
"Let's find the others," Hannibal said as he cleared his throat and regained composure.
BA nodded his head and they moved away from the sudden crowd that had gathered, amazed to see two men who had seemed about to hug in public.
The really scary dark alleyway nestled between Marks & Spencers and an Olde London Town gift shop. Pushing past two American Tourists who were about to buy London Bridge, Murdock stopped suddenly.
"What is it?" Face asked concerned.
"It's a really scary dark alleyway," Murdock pointed out.
"No why did you stop?"
"Cos, my legs stopped," Murdock looked confused by the questions.
"Murdock, I know you're down as a wacko but just answer my question, why did you just stop just then?"
"Because the script told me to, so you could emphasise again that I'm crazy," Murdock replied.
"Right, so are we going to go down the really scary dark alleyway now?"
"Are you crazy?" Murdock exclaimed.
"No, you're crazy, remember?" Face smiled.
"Oh, right. So, I have to go down there then?"
Face nodded his head smugly.
"I hate this job, I'm going try and get back on Hill Street Blues or wait for a new Star Trek to be made!" Murdock moaned as he walked into the really scary dark alleyway. "I'm sure they'll be crying out for a crazy guy!"
"Bring back Star Trek? It'll never work! Now, there was that other Star Wars rip off show, what was that called?" Face wondered out loud as Murdock disappeared down the alley.
The uniformed men approached with menace, eyeing the buskers with contempt. Hannibal looked up and caught the glare, the approaching danger.
"Decker!" Hannibal stated and promptly put his sax away in its case.
BA followed suit and they both started moving down the platform, through the relieved crowds who were removing cotton wool from their ears.
Hannibal heard his name and picked up the pace, Decker saw this action and paused for a moment, with his best side to camera.
"Get them!" He yelled with dramatic license.
Another pause was registered before the man who stood beside him moved forward with intent.
"That's raised the tension of the situation pretty dam well," Decker nodded to himself before following the pursuit.
Hannibal glanced back and briefly wondered how no ground had been made with all the pregnant pauses Decker had managed, but they were still close behind.
"Stop! Or I'll say stop again!" Decker yelled.
Hannibal continued running, rushing past a Robin Williams Live poster. He smiled knowingly.
BA had run on ahead and with a used newspaper, found on the floor, he had made a fanning device that Hannibal immediately grabbed from him.
"Good work, BA," Hannibal noted as he stopped beside him.
Decker slowed up, smiling as he saw the pursuit had ended, he didn't want his body double getting all the best shots, he promptly shoved the double aside and continued.
Hannibal stood facing Decker, the fanned paper in front of him.
"What are you planning, Smith? To fan me into submission?" Decker smiled confidently.
Hannibal frowned slightly, before allowing a menacing smile to form.
"Not my style, wouldn't you say?" Smith asked.
"Do you have a license for busking down here, Smith?"
"I think you already know that answer," Smith said.
"Do you always have to answer my questions with a question?"
"You tell me," Smith smiled.
Decker glanced over to the director and shrugged. The prompter urged them to continue.
"Smith, I'm arresting you for being a public nuisance," Decker announced.
"Are you now?"
Decker flung his arms in the air and looked back to the director.
"Smith, please, we may get more airtime on the BBC but we have to consider our American audiences," the director reasoned.
"Hey, I'm just considering the fact that we have no ad breaks," Smith defended.
Decker stepped forward, towards Smith, ready for his close up.
"I've been after you for ten years, Smith. That's a long time and I don't care if we have ad breaks or we don't have ad breaks. You're nicked, son!"
Hannibal smiled and took the fanned paper, waving it madly he distracted everyone, including the director.
The sudden wind rush made the rush hour crowd think a train had just pulled into the station, the sudden stampede took Decker in one go and he held his fist in the air as he was carried wildly towards the platform.
"I'll have you, Blakey! I mean, Smith!"
Hannibal and BA shook hands and smiled.
"I love it when a plan comes together," Hannibal smiled with satisfaction.
"You were supposed to hit Decker with the paper, Hannibal!" BA moaned.
"I made that paper for you to hit him with, man, why'd you always change the plan?"
"It works for me," Hannibal shrugged.
Face checked his watch; it was still there which surprised him as he lived on the London Underground. It had been three hours since Murdock had gone down the really scary dark alleyway and he was beginning to grow concerned for his friend.
Face swung round and found Hannibal and BA glaring back at him.
"Hannibal, it was Murdock's fault!"
"Right, and where is Murdock?" Hannibal asked not convinced.
"Er," Face looked down the really scary dark alleyway.
"I don't see the fool, man! You ain't trying to con us are you, cos that ain't cricket and you know it!" BA raged.
"We just needed some air," Face smiled, but deep down his was… er, doing something shaped like bricks.
"Stop that, Face, that's disgusting, there's a port-a-loo right over there, for goodness sake. This is why I don't let you come up here," Hannibal explained, totally disgusted.
Face made excuses and scurried off to the port-a-loo.
"Man, where's the crazy man?" BA asked.
"Do you always have to say man?" Hannibal asked innocently.
"Hey, Decker was right, you do always answer a question with a question!" BA moaned and paused, "Man," he said quietly.
"You did it again!" Hannibal exclaimed.
"Shut up!" BA raged and placed a gold ringed hand over his mouth to stop him adding any more words.
"Ha, ha, you look stupid now," Hannibal grinned. "Man!" he mocked.
Hannibal and BA looked round and saw Murdock smiling back at them.
"Where you been?" Hannibal asked.
"Down there, it was so cool. You know its still World War Two down there and there's this guy called Gary who lives there but he's actually from the future and he told me that the A-Team went out of fashion in the late eighties," Murdock smiled.
"He recognised you?" BA asked.
"Says I make a film with Paul Newman," Murdock smiled. "Why is BA holding a hand to his mouth?"
"I ain't, man!" BA said and quickly put his hand to his mouth again as Hannibal peed himself laughing.
"Looks like your next in line, Hannibal," Face remarked as he came back from the port-a-loo.
"Face, what's all that muck on your trousers, did BA threaten you again?" Murdock teased.
"OK, guys," Hannibal announced. "We need to focus, what exactly are we doing now?"
The other three looked blankly at him.
"We heard a woman scream," Face stated.
"Well, that was it," Face shrugged.
"Great, so we're the commandos who hear woman scream," Hannibal mocked.
"I went down the really scary dark alleyway," Murdock pointed out.
"It wasn't actually as bad as it first looked," Murdock admitted.
"So, what exactly is there for us over here?" Hannibal asked.
"Rain, tea, the queen, history," Face stated.
"What about for four soldiers of fortune?"
Blank stares confirmed that no one had any idea.
"We might have a cat sitting job lined up for next week," Face pointed out helpfully.
"Fantastic, you do realise we won't get past the pilot with this, they will probably make another docusoap if we're not careful!" Hannibal fumed.
"Hannibal?" Murdock ventured.
"What's a docusoap?"
"Shut up, Murdock!" Hannibal snapped.
"Understood," Murdock stepped back.
Suddenly two cars exploded, with two further cars screeching their tires as they turned the corner. Guns firing and tempers flared, the A-Team looked on bemused. The cars roared off down the road, before stopping outside a bank on the corner.
"What'd you say, guys?" Hannibal smiled.
Face handed him a cigar and grinned, Hannibal took the cigar and looked back at Face.
"You just had a baby?"
"No," Face looked back at him. "I just thought you might like one," he said.
"A baby? I don't think its possible," Hannibal stated.
Murdock stepped forward. "Face, over here you only give cigars if your wife's just dropped a sprog, its not really a thing we should encourage with all the young fans out there," Murdock smiled.
"Hey! There's bad things happening down the road and we're the good guys!" BA raged as he began to head over there.
"Man!" Hannibal mocked as he followed him.
Face and Murdock looked at each other confused, looking back at the really scary dark alleyway which actually wasn't too bad, they began to catch up with the others.
BA arrived on the scene, cars lay smoking across the road and the bank was being held up.
"You know, the written word doesn't do this scene justice," Murdock observed.
"You could have some real corny jokes here," Face agreed.
"Yeah, like why are cars smoking? They should be sixteen years old before they can do that!" BA giggled.
"I was actually more thinking about a bank being held up, I mean it's pretty heavy," Face grinned.
"What do you think this is? A Zucker/Abrahams production?" Hannibal asked "Right, I have a plan," he stated.
"That we should go back to the underground?" Murdock asked.
"Well, that was my initial plan, but come on guys. We're soldiers of fortune!" Hannibal enthused.
"We rob the bank?" Face asked.
"Rob a bank? Rob a bank? What kind of fool plan is it to rob a bank? I mean come on who would follow a plan to rob a bank?" Murdock asked.
Face, Hannibal and BA all stared at Murdock with contempt.
"Well, it wasn't us was it? It was our American cousins, remember? We wore our hair too long, remember?" Murdock protested. "Jeez, keep up will yas! We're the English lot," he stressed.
"My plan is to stop the bad guys," Hannibal announced.
"Stop the bad guys? That's it, that's what we're going to do?" Face asked.
"We're the good guys," BA pointed out.
"We're also the unarmed guys, we're also buskers, bad ones at that."
"Yeah but in the opening credits it does say we're commandos," Murdock pointed out.
"It does?" Face was caught out.
"Yeah, don't you ever pay attention to stuff other than your hair?" Murdock asked.
"At least I don't have to always wear a cap."
Murdock immediately lunged for Face and they proceeded to have a slappy-slappy fight.
"Well, at least its some kind of action," Hannibal remarked before separating the two. "Now, now ladies," he smiled.
"Ladies?" Face said, his attention now away from slappy-slappy.
"Focus, Face, focus," BA said shaking his head.
"Er, Hannibal. I hate to be the barer of bad news, but its awfully quiet around here, I think they've already got away," Murdock pointed out looking at the now robbed bank.
"Right, OK. That was part of my plan."
"No it wasn't!" Face argued.
"Well I didn't expect you and Murdock to start slappy-slappy fights either but it happened."
"So now what?" BA sighed. "Cos, Eastenders is on in a minute and I wanna know what happens to Wricky."
"Ricky, BA its pronounced Ricky," Murdock informed him.
"So why they say Wricky?"
"Never mind," Murdock frowned.
"Hey look at this!" Hannibal motioned.
Hannibal picked up a piece of paper.
"What is it?" Face asked. "The script writers resignation?"
"No, it's a clue," Hannibal beamed.
"A clwooo?" Murdock chirped happily.
"If you think I'm gonna be Shaggy to your Scooby, you're very much mistaken!" Face huffed and crossed his arms.
"I ain't being Shaggy!"
"Naw, you are more a Thelma," Murdock reasoned.
"Can we please at least attempt to stick to the script, guys. Now look at this," Hannibal motioned.
"It looks like a name and address," Murdock noted.
"That's cos it is," Hannibal smiled.
"And we're now going to head over there, right?"
"Which station is closest to this place?"
"What's the place?" Murdock asked.
"The Dome," Hannibal said.
"The Dome, that don't get built till the late nineties, and it only just gets built then!" Murdock explained.
"Yeah, but we have to make some use of it, otherwise its just a white elephant, an eyesore on the London Skyline," Hannibal explained carefully and with passion.
"That hasn't been built yet!" Murdock stated loudly.
"When has things like continuity concerned us?" Hannibal reasoned.
"True," Murdock admitted. "But seeing as it ain't been built yet, how am I suppose to know the nearest station?"
All four considered the dilemma; Hannibal looked up and grinned.
"And that over there, that's gord bless her, Queenies home, Lord save the old gal."
"Buckingham Palace," Murdock stated, looking extremely bored as he translated the native tongue to the rest of the team.
"Wow, that's what I call a home," Face stated. "That's one hell of a scam she's working there."
"Tell me about it," the English nation cried.
"What was that?" BA asked.
"Just the voice of the people," Murdock murmured; still bored out of his wits.
The others looked on outside the windows of the Black Cab, taking in the sights of Olde London Town.
"You'll never guess who I had in the back of my cab last week, mates," the cabby continued in an annoyingly cockney cheerful manner.
"Who, who?" Face asked like an excited child about to explode.
"Babs Windsor," he said proudly.
"Windsor? Isn't that royalty?" Hannibal questioned.
"She's royalty to us, gov'ner. A loverly lady with a loverly pair of..."
"Yeah, yeah, we've seen that bloody film" Murdock chipped in quickly. "Listen mate, when are we going to get to where we're supposed to be going, we've been in here now for four hours!" Murdock asked.
"Carry on Camping isn't it?" Hannibal stated.
"Carry on Doctor, I thought," BA responded.
"Carry on bloody talking and we'll be in this cab forever, guys! Don't you see, if you humour this guy, we'll never leave!" Murdock hissed.
"Ooohhhhh," Hannibal cooed.
"Hannibal, have you seen how much this fare is costing us? You think our busking is actually going to cover this?" Murdock pointed to the meter that read two hundred and thirty pounds.
"What's that in dollars?" Hannibal asked.
"Oh, roughly about four hundred and sixty dollars," Face chipped in.
BA and Hannibal's faces dropped.
"So where you guys from?" The cabbie asked as BA and Hannibal tried to find their jawbones.
"London," Murdock stated.
"No, really, where you guys from?"
"London," Murdock repeated.
"No, really where are you guys from?" The cabbie asked again.
"LONDON!" Murdock screamed. "Will you give us a break! I know you guys hate us Americans always trying to take on English roles and then doing really bad attempts at English accents but all I want to do is see the Dome!" Murdock put his head in his hands and started to cry.
"Aahhh, don't cry mate," the cabbie responded feeling really uncomfortable. "I think your English accent is really good, you convinced me. It's just your friend's sound more like Australians, or is it South African. Oh please stop crying," the cabbie pleaded.
He stopped the cab and turned around.
"Get him out my cab! I can't handle men crying; it's not right, it's not English. Just clear off the lot of ya, wasting my time, I was only waiting until the Dome was built, you think I enjoyed driving you around?" the cabbie screamed as they all tumbled out of the cab.
"Good work, Murdock," Hannibal stated.
"Thanks," Murdock sniffed and wiped his eyes dry.
"Hey look," Face said looking over to a landmark he recognised.
"What?" the others looked up not wanting to believe that luck may have just made the cabbie stop at the right place.
"Its London Bridge," Face smiled and took a photo.
"Face, that's Tower Bridge and give that man his camera back," Murdock stated.
"That's London Bridge, Murdock, do your research!" Face smiled. "You think I'd try and sell it otherwise?"
"You've sold that bridge as London Bridge?" Murdock checked.
"Yeah, its coming down the day after next and being shipped to America," Face smiled proudly.
"Face, in about a weeks time you better change your identity," Murdock suggested.
"You kidding? I want everyone to know I sold London Bridge, the famous London Bridge."
"That's Tower Bridge over there, Face," Murdock stated once more.
"You're such a kidder, Murdock."
"I know," Murdock smiled.
"Guys, BA and I are getting bored of just standing here looking gormless whilst you have your pointless exchanges," Hannibal stated.
"Sorry, Hannibal," they both apologised.
"Look man!" BA pointed over to a disused warehouse.
"He said man again!" Hannibal smiled.
"What about it?" Murdock asked.
"It's just like the ones they have in LA," he pointed out.
"You're right," Murdock agreed.
"Maybe the bad guys are over there?" Face asked.
Hannibal started giggling behind his gloved hand.
"What?" Face asked.
"Sorry, but that's just a little bit predictable isn't it? I mean disused warehouse doesn't always mean bad guys hideout," Hannibal stated.
"It works for other shows," Murdock suggested.
"And we are going around like headless chickens at the moment, ma..." BA covered his mouth quickly.
Hannibal glanced over to the director, the director nodded his head.
"OK, lets check it out," Hannibal ordered.
The four men crept slowly towards the conveniently opened door of the disused warehouse; they listened to bad sounding men talking about naughty deeds.
"They are bad men, Hannibal," Murdock confirmed.
"You think?" Hannibal asked, looking for confirmation.
"They're unshaven, have bad hair and teeth," Murdock stated.
"And they have guns," BA added.
"Right," Hannibal backed away and started to lightly jog towards the gates.
Murdock, Face and BA watched him run away.
"Hannibal," Face called after him. "Remember that bit about us being soldiers of fortune, emphasise on soldiers, less on fortune?"
Hannibal stopped and lightly ran back, embarrassed.
"They have guns, guys," Hannibal explained himself. "We have musical instruments, don't even suggest we could play 'Hey Jude' at them."
"Don't even suggest you know how to play 'Hey Jude'," Murdock added.
"We need to arm ourselves," BA stated loudly.
"BA, guns are illegal in England. You can't buy them over the counter in the supermarket over here," Hannibal pointed out.
"What fool type of country is this?" BA stormed.
Murdock shrugged. "No use calling the bobbies, they aren't armed either."
"The what?" Face asked.
"Cops, coppers, bobbies, pigs even," Murdock smiled.
"The cops ain't armed?" BA asked in disbelief. "No wonder you ain't locked up in the nut house in the English version!"
"I fit right in," Murdock beamed proudly.
"Hey, will you keep it down. We're trying to organise bad things over here!"
Hannibal glanced round, in horror.
"Sorry," he stated over to the bad guys.
"Yeah, sorry," Face supported and they shuffled away.
"No need to apologise, I'm sorry for butting into your conversation," the bad guy with the scar smiled.
"No we're really sorry for intruding, how rude of us," Murdock added bowing his head.
"No, guys come on, it's no problem. We're being terribly rude in not offering you a cup of tea, I mean, you're under our roof, I'm so, so sorry," The bad guy with the big hair apologised.
"Hey, Hannibal, for bad guys, they're pretty good blokes once you get to know them," Murdock whispered.
"Sorry," the bad guy with the growl stated. "What did I just hear you say?"
Murdock turned around, going as white as a sheet in fear as the bad guy came up behind him.
"Hey, man. Did I scare you? I'm sorry, dude, I didn't mean to," the bad man with the growl offered.
"Are you being sarcastic?" Murdock checked.
"Hey, you're pretty tuned in for a Yank," the man smiled and offered his seat to Murdock.
"I don't get it?" Face turned to both BA and Hannibal who looked confused.
"He was taking the piss, guys, pretending to scare me and then apologising to make me think he was about to beat me up," Murdock grinned manically.
"Who's joking," the bad guy growled.
Murdock looked back at the bad guy with the growl.
"Ah man, you almost got me that time!" Murdock laughed.
"Murdock, can we see you outside?" Hannibal motioned and the team went outside.
Murdock joined the others still laughing at the joke the bad man with a growl had played on him.
"Murdock, they are the token bad guys and we're about to sit down and drink tea with them, you're almost on first name terms with them," Hannibal stated.
"No way, I'm not even on first name terms with you guys!" Murdock protested.
"That's true, what is your name anyway?" Face asked.
"Murdock," he shrugged.
"No really, what's your name?"
"Murdock," he repeated.
"Teas up, chaps."
"I think we need to head back inside, it's awfully rude to keep them waiting," Murdock smirked and ran back inside.
"I think he's a Hubert," Hannibal guessed.
"Naw, man. Henry or Humphrey," BA grinned.
"Horace, Howard?" Face threw in.
"Face, how come you can do all this stuff like scamming the rich and live in peoples houses but you've never been able to find out Murdock's first names?" Hannibal asked.
"Well, you know..." Face hesitated.
"You're crap really, I mean, you're just conning us with your cons," Hannibal continued. "I mean, your great at scamming us meals and cars, although living on the underground doesn't give much call for that," Hannibal saw he was all alone as the rest of his team sat inside drinking tea.
"Harold, Harry, Hank..."
"No, No, No!" Murdock moaned as the bad guys and the team all continued to figure out his name. "You know this is getting rather tiresome," he added drinking his tenth cup of tea.
"You're right, Murdock. Lets work out what the M stands for instead!" Face beamed.
"Mervin, Matthew, Mark, Micheal..."
Murdock sank in his chair as the names continued to flow out of the gathered people.
"Marvin, Martin, Malcolm..."
"Guys its two months now, will you give it a rest!" Murdock moaned.
"Now come on, even in this story the readers won't accept its been two months!" Face protested.
"I was being sarcastic," Murdock moaned and stood up to put the kettle on.
"It won't fit you!" The English nation cried with joy, that joke will never cease to amuse the Brits.
"Piece of cake," Hannibal motioned.
"Piece of cake? Piece of Cake, you have us go one some foolhardy mission to be something we're obviously ain't, to be some soldiers of fortune..." Murdock began in a rant.
"No, Murdock, piece of cake?" Hannibal offered him some cake.
"Oh, right, thanks that will go nicely with my tea," Murdock smiled.
Hannibal grinned back. "That was you being sarcastic wasn't it?"
"Hannibal, there's hope for you yet," Murdock smiled back proudly.
Gunfire erupted suddenly and the team all hid under the table, sending the fine china flying; a mess a tea and cake covered the floor.
A silver sporty looking car screeched to a stop as the handbrake came into use, a big curly hair man threw himself out of the car window, a mean looking cool dude did the same on the other side, sliding over the bonnet to join his mate.
"Who are you?" the bad guys asked in unison.
"Auntie Beeb got peed off waiting for this bunch of loonies to sort you out, I'm Bodie, this is Doyle."
"What he say?" Face asked.
"These two are old seventies throwbacks, Englands answer to Starksy and Hutch, only English and without the Huggy Bear," Murdock explained.
"You mean they recast Starksy and Hutch, put it in London, ditched the bear and well, made a programme?" Hannibal checked.
"Yeah, more or less," Murdock stated.
"More or Less?" Hannibal questioned.
"They renamed it too," he shrugged.
"We're the Professionals," Bodie and Doyle stated loudly and suddenly an orchestra erupted playing really dramatic seventies music that kicked more ass than the Starksy and Hutch theme.
"That's good," Hannibal agreed.
"The car is all wrong!" Face explained. "Where's the stripe?"
"They haven't got a clue," BA shook his head sadly.
Bodie and Doyle suddenly leapt into action, karate kicking their opponents and only firing their guns when fired at.
"So, Murdock, what you are saying is we could have just stayed in LA, let some 'on the dole' English actors pretend to be us?" Hannibal asked.
"It would be England's answer to our show in the States," Murdock shrugged.
"Can we go home now?" Face asked. "This place freaks me out," he admitted.
"Well, we can't leave unfinished business, Face. That's unprofessional," Hannibal remarked.
"Very unprofessional," Bodie and Doyle agreed.
"Clear off guys, we're doing the best we can. I mean it's obvious you were just trying to be American in your show, anyway!" Murdock stated loudly scaring the two professionals off.
The silver Capri car screeched out of the warehouse; knocking all cardboard boxes for six, the team held their hands to their ears.
"Copy cats!" Murdock hollered. "Where's you're big ribbed brown cardy?"
"Murdock, calm down," Face patted Murdock's arm.
"Sorry, I'm just getting a bit bored with this English fix I've been on," Murdock admitted.
"Well, we've all just been playing ourselves, being American. Why don't you just drop it?" Face asked.
"Can't," Murdock sulked.
"Yeah, captain. Now the show's nearly over there's no need for you to be the walking encyclopedia of all things English, go back to being yourself. How did you know all that stuff anyway?" Hannibal asked.
"Hey, if you had been the writers favorite then maybe she'd have made you the smart one, so I ain't complaining too much. See, she's still writing me and there's no way she'll make me say anything nasty about her," Murdock stated.
Murdock leaned over to Face and whispered in his ear.
"Murdock! I'm pretty sure you don't mean that, that's a bit harsh," Face defended.
"No, don't you see now she's writing the words into your mouth!" Murdock stated.
"So, what you're trying to tell us is you're sick of being the character that has the answers to everything, who had Englishness down to a tee?" Hannibal motioned.
"I wanna be American again," Murdock sulked.
"Murdock, you'll always be American, even if the actor who plays you does have European parents and is technically European."
"See, now she's using you to throw that debate back into the boiling pot!" Murdock moaned.
"You're an all American hero, Murdock, born and bred. Although, your features do lean heavily to that of Germans, but that aside, you're American. Oh dear, now she's writing my words," Hannibal realised.
"She's a bitch!" BA raged. "Does that mean she don't like me? I was able to insult her, man!" BA realised.
"He said man again," Hannibal chuckled.
"Now she's just changing the subject!" Murdock stated.
"If we're not careful she'll just stop and we'll all be confined to her 'Stories to be Finished' folder," Face panicked.
"We need an ending guys and quick before she presses the delete button!" Hannibal stressed.
"The Dome!" Murdock heralded loudly like the man of action he was, always saving the A-teams butt, always being pushed aside by that blond bimbo who smarmed his way all over the screen. "Jip? Can we get back to business please?" Murdock asked nicely.
"Good plan, Murdock!" Hannibal stated loudly. "We could build the Millenium Dome!"
"Don't mention the bloody millenium!" the English nation cried.
"But it's the Eighties, remember, when the song '1999' was considered way off into the future," Murdock stressed, hating still being the informative one.
"Man, you get me some big metal things and tarpaulin and you'll have a dome!" BA cried. "I wanna get back home where things make sense and Murdock ain't so clever all the time!" BA added. "Man, Jip don't like me!"
"Tis true, man, you always make me say 'man' so Hannibal giggles and then when I do speak I don't say much!"
I find you hard to write, you're not exactly a deep bloody character are you, how many times can I write his gold chains jangled?
"You ain't wrote that once, fool!" BA stated as his gold chains jangled. "Ah, man!"
"We know, he said man again," Murdock and Face said in unison.
"BA build the dome," Hannibal ordered. "Murdock, Face, find out where Jipster is writing this pile of Shi... brilliant story writing that should earn her a nomination for a Booker prize," Hannibal looked up. "That's not what I was thinking, will you stop that!"
"Fine, then if you are not going to play by the rules, we're going home. Come on guys," Hannibal ordered.
"No you had you're fun now we're having ours!" Hannibal raged and continued to walk away.
Hannibal turned around from far away in the distance and saw Murdock still where they had been.
"Murdock, come on!"
"I can't move, she won't let me!" Murdock protested.
"Just do it, man!" BA yelled as he held onto his teddy bear.
"Stop that!" Hannibal ordered.
Stop what, its my story
"Stop this, stop this now. This maybe your story but we belong to Stephen Cannell and you do state all over the place that you respectfully borrow us, I don't even recognise myself!" Hannibal argued.
BA and Face both agreed whilst doing the Can-Can.
"Let Murdock go!"
"Come on, let us all go," Hannibal urged.
"Cos this story has not only lost the plot but its readers too," Hannibal stated sincerely.
And so the sunny skyline, alright, the rainy skyline of London basked in the new glory of having a Millennium Dome and the A-Team, under protest returned to LA for other fan-fic writers to mutiltate.
Murdock however is still the greatest. "Shut up already!" Murdock yelled from LA.
Happy Birthday to the Virtual Asylum.
Produced and directed by The Jipster and Moneypenny
As you can imagine only one conclusion was made from this feeble attempt to convert the format. The A-Team could only happen in America, just thank the lord it happened, that's all :0)
© Ubdegrove and Caves 2000