AN: I own no one you recognize and I don't own Split Enz, I wish I did.

Three Dorks and A Dictator, the ten part guide to those annoying guys by Lily Evans.

This is the first of ten parts of a story of the Marauders, from, me, the Hogwarts special correspondent – Lily Evans, a.k.a. the only person to see them as they are. This is their story and, as you can all see, I have run out of any good ideas… Anyway, I shall start by clearing up who the Three Dorks and the Dictator actually are.

Just imagine, you are sitting in your favourite chair with your two best mates, chatting away about all of your favourite topics, that neo-classic-cosmetic-mental-rock group "Split Enz" and your Australian friend who knows about this New Zealand band is telling you about your favourite member, one certain Eddie Rayner. You know, talking about his dreamy green –

Anyway, we were just sitting there and then BANG! The portrait hole swings open and in swaggers the evil dictator, followed by the three dorks. Just freeze that image in your mind no matter how weird the facial expressions are that you are imagining. Ok, focus on the dictator, 6" 1', black hair that sticks up at the back like Neil's in Split –

Moving on… Glasses and hazel eyes (I wouldn't know, I haven't gone up to him to survey his eyes. I just know from all those other girls who swoon at the mention of them.). The name of this evil dictator is James Potter. This name should strike fear into your hearts. This dictator is a stalker-ish fiend whose favourite past times include: Hanging Slytherins upside down by the ankle, figuring ways to ask me out and playing evil pranks on anyone that moves.

10 reasons to avoid this monstrosity:

1. If he doesn't like you he'll hang you upside down by the ankle.

2. He will probably bore you to death with endless Quidditch talk.

3. His face would burn your eyes out.

4. He is a stalker – NOT NORMAL!

5. If your best friend is Australian he will ask her if she has a pet kangaroo and/or koala repeatedly.

6. If he is stalking you, he will find out everything that you once thought was private.

7. He won't do or say anything without his three dorks behind him.

8. He thinks that he is the hottest thing in the world and would probably make you die from laughter whilst looking at how PATHETIC he is.

9. If both he and I are in the vicinity of you, you will probably want to hit him, and lose house points and earn yourself a detention.

10. If you are in the same room as his fat-head, you will die.

It is best to avoid him; he is the root of the Marauder EVIL! I shall now go onto Dork #1.

Ok, now imagine the second guy that swaggered in, you know the one whom you imagined with the weird facial expression…

He is approximately 6" 4', Black by name, black by hair, brown eyes and a pretty good figure. He is loud, and enjoys getting in touch with his "feminine" side, as seen by the fact he wears concealer. This dork has a nasty habit of reciting shocking and disgusting pick up lines at anything with legs, especially my Australian friend, Lidia.

This dork would be the worst of all of them. He is Potter's double ganger. And he doesn't live in an aeroplane hangar. He also enjoys paying out me and my best friends' favourite band just 'cause they wear make up. Well he does too.

10 reasons to avoid him:

1. He enjoys using very smelly shampoo that would probably kill you.

2. You will want to be sick just watching his make-out style.

3. He is incredibly arrogant.

4. He is very up-himself.


6. He is a sugar addict and very dangerous.

7. He is a pyromaniac and enjoys lighting fires in the COMMON ROOM! WHEN THERE ARE OTHER PEOPLE IN THERE!

8. He is always behind Potter no matter what.

9. His pickup lines would make anyone sick…

10. He is just plain disgusting when it comes to eating.

Now, I will introduce the other dorks next time but before I leave I will explain why these two together is a very dangerous mix.

These two guys together are the root of all evil, not just Marauder evil, I mean like SATAN evil and REDRUM evil. Their prank compatibility together is just absolutely shocking! It is quite frightening what they can do together. They have done so many things to school property that they have left a massive mark.

For example, the Potions room now has a huge singe on the ceiling from the time they decided to put some fire near the kerosene in the building.

Then there was the time they "accidentally" transfigured Professor Dumbledore's beard into a writhing python that nearly strangled Professor Flitwick.

And my fellow Gryffindors would, of course, remember the time they let off the 57 Dungbombs. I think that everyone needed to be treated for fumigation.

They have also managed to spike about 19 bowls of punch this year alone, and we've only been back for two months. So, all in all, they are the worst combination possible together. And Black will only do what Potter tells him too, unless it comes to girls, and in those instances, Black doesn't listen to anyone.

You would think that both of them would have learned, I mean Lidia had Black's tongue down her throat against her will and Potter has been slapped many a time by moi! Black and Potter also think it's incredibly sexy when they say "Pour le monde pas pour la guerre." They think it's totally romantic when all they're saying is "For the world not for the war" in French.

Black, I may add is also the record holder for "Most Girlfriends In A Year". He broke the previous record of fifteen; he has had twenty-nine in his past two years here. So don't trust him with your heart! Oh, and I do believe that Potter is so devoted to me that someone should honestly swap appearances with me so he'll stop stalking me.

I shall be back soon, with part 2 of this enthralling series.

Yours truly,

Lily Evans, Hogwarts Special Correspondent.

Ok, I hope you enjoyed it, many of the references in here are from songs, NOT MINE! I wish they were! Thanks to Tyem for being my beta! Please review, I hate hits and no reviews!