Captain Scarlet: The Truth
A stupid play by the one, the only, ME. Yes, only me could do something so pointless, yet so...Hmmmm, how should I put this? Entertaining? Well, I don't even know what it's gonna be about yet, but we'll see as I go along.
(A street somewhere-Er...Probably England. Captain Scarlet is walking along with his good old mate, Captain Blue. Captain Scarlet is making wild hand gestures.)
Captain Scarlet: Yeah, well, I saw this man robbing a bank, and he had a gun and he was killing loads of people, and I s'pose I could have gone in and saved the day again, but then I just thought, 'sod it'. I mean, Captain Magenta never lifts a finger round here. Why the hell do I get lumbered with everything?
Captain Blue: Well, gee, I dunno. It might be because you're the only one who's indestructible.
: Indestructible? Destructible? What's the difference?
: Well actually-
: Oh, shut up you pathetic blonde headed little girl. What do you know? If I killed you, would you not die?
: Yes, I would. What's your point?
: (sighing) I forget that you're about as thick as two short planks. I suppose it was only Captain Brown that could share my intellectually stimulating conversation and consummate witty charm.
: But he's dead.
: Don't remind me.
(They near a corner and go around it. Captain Blue sees something in the distance)
: Hey, what's that?
: What's what?
: That thing. Over there.
: A skyscraper. What's your point?
: No, that little thing, right over there about 100 metres away.
: I don't know what the hell you're talking about.
: (Getting annoyed) That bloody thing over there! That microscopic micro chip thing! Can't you see it? It's as clear as day for crying out loud! Right there!
(Captain Blue points wildly. Captain Scarlet squints, trying to see, then shakes his head.)
: For god's sake get a bloody eye test!
: There's no need to be like that. Let's not forget I'm the indestructible one.
(They walk towards it.)
: Oh yes. Now I see. This is obviously some kind of primitive refrigerator.
: It's a 5 gigabit Pentium processor for Windows 2005, running solely on solar power.
: That's what I said. A penti- er...processor for doors.
: Whatever. The point is, this might contain some kind of information about Captain Black and the Mysterons.
(Captain Scarlet shakes his head)
: No, no, no.
: What do you mean?
: Nothing's ever that simple. I say, we throw this in a bin somewhere and go back to that rainbow thingy.
: You mean...The Spectrum?
: Er...Sure, the Spectrum.
: Okay Captain Scarlet, we'll go back, but I'm still gonna keep this processor and run a few tests on it.
: (sarcastically) Well, if you wanna waste an hour of your life Captain Blue, you go ahead and do that. Just don't come crying to me when disaster strikes and the world ends cos you're too busy to be bothered.
: With all do respect Captain Scarlet I hardly think-
: Silence you fool.
The Spectrum Headquarters, an hour later:
Captain Scarlet and Captain Blue stand before Colonel White. Captain Scarlet shows Colonel White The Processor.
Colonel White: Good work Captain Scarlet on finding that processor.
: What can I say? I'm a genius.
: But I found the-
(Captain Scarlet gives Captain Blue a dig in the ribs to shut him up.)
Colonel White: What was that Captain Blue?
: Oh, Captain Blue's just a bit crazy in the mind. (He swirls a finger round the side of his head to suggest it.) (To ) Aren't you Captain?
: Well actually-
: Awww, really? Well I hope the brain scan tests come back clear.
(Colonel White gives him a strange look. Captain Scarlet clears his throat.)
: Listen, Colonel White, I know it's not like me to boss people about-
(Captain Blue rolls his eyes at this)
: -But can I please have a day off now? I've been working sooo hard. Please? Captain Blue's so hard on me all the time. He's a right stick in the mud he is.
: Well, if it suits you Captain Scarlet you can sit with Lieutenant Green and take the calls?
: Hmm, I suppose beggars can't be choosers. All right Sir, I'll do that.
: Good. Dismissed, Captain.
: Thankyou Sir. (He leaves)
: And what about you, Captain Blue? Do you have anything you'd like to add?
: (sighing) No Sir.
Communications Room Or whatever you call it.
(Captain Scarlet is sitting with Lieutenant Green and messing about.)
: Can I press this button?
: What about this one?
: Ooooh, what about this nice big red one? What does that do?
: (expressionlessly) That blows up the entire Spectrum headquarters.
: Wow. Does it really? (He reaches for button) Well it's about time we had a bit of fun around here. You must get really bored out of your skull sitting here all day.
: (In monotone) What can I say? It's fun enough for me. (He sees Captain Scarlet about to press button.) Please, don't do that. We will all die.
: (mocking) Ah, but that's where you're wrong. Not me. I'm indestructible. It won't matter to me at all.
: Well hooray for you. But the rest of us will die. And we don't want that, so if you don't mind-
: Oooooooooh! Can I press this lever over here on the wall?
: Knock yourself out Captain.
: (intrigued) Why? What does it do?
(He presses it and his seat ejects through the ceiling, sending him flying.)
: Ejector seat.
Half an Hour Later: Main board room or whatever. (I don't know that much about Captain Scarlet for god's sake!)
(Colonel White is standing at one end of the table. The other Captain's are sitting around it. Lieutenant Green is sitting with his head down.)
: Now Lieutenant, that wasn't very nice to kill Captain Scarlet like that.
: I know he's indestructible, but it's not a nice thing to do. So in future, no killing.
: Yes Sir.
: Now obviously, I can see that it wasn't working out between you two.
(Lieutenant Green nods)
: That's why, I'm firing you and putting Captain Scarlet permanently in charge of the radio.
(Lieutenant Green looks sad.)
: That is, after Captain Scarlet has returned to his normal healthy self. You have approximately half an hour to clear your stuff and get out.
: But Sir! Please! Don't fire me! This job is all I have!
: Then you need to get out more. Go on, out!
(Colonel White points towards the door, signalling for Lieutenant Green to leave. Sadly, dragging his feet, Lieutenant Green does so.)
(Captain Magenta puts his hand up)
: Yes, Captain?
: Colonel White, I think we have another imminent disaster.
: What is it Captain?
: That pizza we ordered five hours ago still hasn't arrived.
: Dear god no! You're lying! You're lying!
: With all due respect Sir, calm down! We can handle this!
: This is NOT happening! This CANNOT be happening!
: Pull yourself together man!
: We're all gonna die of starvation! Die I tell you! DIE!
(Captain Magenta gets up and slaps Colonel White's face to calm him down.)
: Sorry about that sir, but you were getting hysterical.
: Thankyou Captain. I needed that.
The Communications Room:
(Lieutenant Green is packing his stuff together in a cardboard box, muttering angrily to himself.)
: Stupid Captain Scarlet, getting me fired for nothing. God, all I did was kill the little toe rag and I get fired? What kind of world are we living in? It's not as if he's gonna die anyway for crying out loud, and now all of a sudden, he's Colonel White's best bum chum, and I'm the one with nothing, and after all I've done for Colonel White, after ALL I've done for him, I still get no gratification, no acknowledgement, no-
(Captain Scarlet walks in, back to normal)
: Hi old friend, what's up?
(Lieutenant Green glares at him)
: No hard feelings about the old, 'me getting you fired and rendering you jobless and penniless doomed to spend a life living as a tramp wearing rags' thing eh? Eh?
: If I hadn't already packed my letter opener I'd give you such a stabbing.
: (smirking) Fat lot of good that would do eh? After all, I can't die. It might hurt like hell, but hey, since becoming indestructible I've become a bit of a pain addict. Wow, there's nothing better than the adrenaline rush of dying...how about you?
: I prefer collecting stamps to get my adrenaline rush thankyou very much.
: Bor-ring! God, you're such a pushover. Get a life.
: I would, but now you seem to have it.
: Oooh, good comeback Greeny. Let me know when you've caught the plague living in a back alley, I've always wondered what it felt like.
(Lieutenant Green glares again and pushes past Captain Scarlet, leaving the room.)
: (To self) Wow. My very own office type thing. And all the buttons a man could ever dream of. (He sees a purple button on his work station) (Reading) 'Press in case of giant ants'. Well, you never know when it might come in handy I suppose.
(Suddenly a button starts flashing on the radio control. Captain Scarlet sits down in his chair and presses the button. A muffled voice starts crackling through it.)
: Damn thing. Where's Rock FM when you need it?
(He twiddles the button round.)
: Bloody thing's broken for crying out loud. Why the hell did Lieutenant Green never get it fixed?
(Suddenly a voice starts coming through the radio, loud and clear)
Voice: Please, help me! There's a bomb in my house about to go off, and we're all gonna die! Little Jimmy, Billy Bob, Martha, all of us! Send someone right away for the love of god, I'm begging you, please-
: Ooh, this must be one of those Radio 5 Live plays they keep going on about. (He leans back in chair and gets out a bag of crisps.)
Voice: Hello? Hello? Spectrum? Send one of your men as quickly as you can! Please! The bombs on five minutes and six-no, now its on fiv- make that fou- er...thre- no, two, now it's on one. Yes, that's right, the bomb is counting down from five minutes, hang on, now it's four minutes and fifty four, make that, three, oh, now it's two, so actually the bomb is counting down from-
(Captain Scarlet twiddles the button, trying to turn it off.)
: They call this entertainment? God, this is worse than that advert about the red cross.
(The voice still blares out)
Voice: Oh god no! No! Now it's on four minutes and three, two, er...one, no, it's on three minutes now, yes, that's right, three minutes and-
: How the hell do you switch this darn thing off?
Voice: Hurry! Hello? Hello? Is anybody there? Spectrum? Come in, Spectrum! The bomb is now counting down from-
(Captain Scarlet smashes it in with his fist. The voice crackles and withers away. He sighs with relief and leans back in his chair, his hands behind his head.)
: Phew. That's the last time I tune into that show.
(Colonel White enters the room)
: How's it going Captain Scarlet?
: Oh, fine, fine. Just a slight problem with the radio.
: (observing) It's broken.
: I know. That is soooooo true. I mean, god, did Lieutenant Green actually do any work around here? Things been on the blink for months probably. I mean, how many times have you heard music coming out of it?
: No, I mean someone's smashed it in.
: Oh that? Yeah, well I did that. I had to. This damn voice on the other end wouldn't shut her bloody trap. It was all, (mocking and making wild hand gestures) "Oooh, we're gonna die, we're gonna die, there's a bomb about to go off."
(Colonel White looks shocked.)
: Oh my god.
: Er...You gonna just stand there gawping or do I have to make my own coffee now?
: Captain Scarlet, I don't think you understand the seriousness of what you have just done.
: What the bloody hell are you talking about?
(Colonel White pulls up a chair and sits down)
: Captain Scarlet?
: (confused)...Yes Sir?
: We are an international rescue service and-no, hang on, that's Thunderbirds...
: (Pulling a face) In your own time Sir.
: Yes, well, what I'm trying to say is that er...We are The Spectrum, which is...This thing where...Well, to put it one way...It's er...It's kinda like er...
: You don't know what the Spectrum is either do you Sir?
: I knew we had something in common! Ever since that first day I got here, I looked at you and I thought, 'That decrepid old git and me share something'.
: Captain Scarlet, if you don't mind me saying, you seem to have a problem with Authority.
: (shocked) Me? No!
: And another thing. If you want to continue working at the control station you must listen to the people who need our help.
Meanwhile, In The Board Room:
(Captain Grey and Captain Magenta are doing their usual Bitching.)
(They both are clutching mugs of Earl Grey, sitting opposite each other, legs crossed and gossiping like a couple of old biddies.)
: God, that Captain Scarlet is soooooooo full of it.
: Yeah, and the other day, I saw him stealing laundrey out of a dryer.
: Well, I suppose it could have just been his laundrey, but to me it looked pretty suspicious.
: I can't believe Colonel White actually put him in charge of the radio.
: Talk about a deathwish.
(They giggle insanely)
: Colonel Bloody White's off his nut, I'm telling you. Too old, I say. It's about time we got a new colonel.
: Like me.
: Fat chance of that. It'll probably be (he rolls his eyes) Captain Sodding Scarlet.
: I mean, I could understand it if he actually had a personality, but he's just a total freak.
: I know, I know.
(Captain Scarlet pops up)
: Hey guys, what you yacking about?
: Nothing, nothing.
: Er...We were just talking about er...about er...
: About how fit Harmony Angel is.
: (catching on) Yes...We were talking about how fit Harmony Angel is.
: Well, I hope you don't mind me saying, but I think Harmony Angel's a right dog.
(Colonel White enters the room)
: Oh, me too Captain Scarlet, me too...What did you say?
: I said I think Captain Black is an evil sod Sir.
(Captain Magenta and Grey exchange glances but decided not to say anything)
: Oh, that reminds me. We haven't heard from Captain Black and the Mysterons recently have we?
(Captain Scarlet gets out a small notebook and consults it)
: No. They're on holiday in Ibiza.
: I see. And when will they be back?
: Who knows?
But that's where they're wrong. Captain Black is not in Ibiza. He's in England...Oooh! Spooky!
: Right. What's the plan?
Mysterons: We must go and kill Captain Scarlet.
: Why's that then?
Mysterons: Because he is indestuctible.
: And your point is?
Mysterons: He's the only man standing in the way of our plans to control the World.
(Gay Music plays again) Back at Spectrum Headquarters, Captain Scarlet, who has been fired from his position at Radio Control is sitting in the lounge reading a newspaper, alone.
: Hmmmmm, the sports section seems to be missing.
(Harmony Angel enters)
: What have you been saying about me Captain Scarlet?
(Captain Scarlet looks up)
: Captain Magenta said you called me a dog.
: (shrugging) Yeah. So?
: (sadly) So it's true.
: Yeah it's true. Now piss off I'm busy.
(she glares and storms off)
(Captains Blue and Grey enter the room)
: Good afternoon Captain Scarlet.
: Hey, I could be hideously mistaken but I seem to be under the impression that I just saw Harmony Angel walk past me...And she didn't look too pleased.
: (from behind newspaper) And your point is?
: Don't you care about anyone?
: Let me think...No.
: How can you be so uncompassionate?
: It's easy. All you have to do is have a total disregard for others and watch a lot of Wrestling, locked up in your small meaningless worthless pathetic excuse for a bedroom during your angst ridden teenage years, and it stays with you forever.
: Hmmmm...Captain Scarlet, have you ever thought about, counselling?
: Many times. When do you want me to book you an appointment?
: No, no, you misunderstand. I mean, for yourself.
: You see, what me and Captain Blue here are trying to say is, that well...I suppose there's no easy way to say this...You're just round the bloody twist.
: Hey! Who invited you into this conversation you boring old dork?
: I invited myself, actually, because Captain Grey does what he likes, when he likes.
: (cynically) I see those pills we gave you still haven't cleared up your split personality disorder then.
: They were tic tacs. What did you expect to happen?
: Woah, woah woah. There's no need to get on your high horse just because we can't afford any better. It's Colonel White's fault, all that pay cheque stuff.
: Yes, but Colonel White said we'd all be earning a lot more if you got off your arse and actually did something once in a while.
: Oh, he did, did he? (he suddenly gets up and produces a bunch of keys out of his pocket) Well let's see if he's still saying that when he finds a scratch the length of the M25 down the side of his Mazda.
: Please Captain Scarlet, you don't have to resort to violence.
: Oh yeah? And who's gonna try and stop me?
: Er...Well...Er...Captain Magenta might have a shot...
: And Captain Brown.
: Yeah well, I appreciate your lovely little plan and everything boys, but there's just one thing wrong with that.
: And what's that?
: Captain Brown died in the same car accident that made me indestructible. So I think it would be best if you just kept out of it, all right?
(He walks towards the door but stops.)
(Captain Black walks through the door.)
: Right. Let's make it quick. Emmerdale starts in five minutes and It's the one where they all die in a horrific atomic bomb explosion.
: Captain Black? What the-
: Yeah well I hate to cut you off in classic Thomas The Tank Engine fashion where you were just about to swear but never got the chance to, but there's no time for your questions right now.
: Outta my way you trash eating stink bag.
: Oh, looks like somebody's just offered to go first.
: Back against the wall now. And no questions.
: You'll never silence me, I'm the last angry man Captain Black! I'll do whatever it takes to save my ass! Whatever it takes!
: (muttering) Yeah, that's right. Look out for number one you selfish little sod.
: You can't defeat me, I'm indestructible, killing me will never be the answer to your problems!
(Captain Black thinks for a moment)
: He's right Captain Bl-
: Yeah, he's right. (He points a gun at Captain Grey) You, back against the wall now.
(Captain Grey does as he's told)
: Captain Scarlet, do something!
: Why bother? I never liked the arrogant little sod anyway. (He inspects his nails)
: Yeah...but he secretly has a huge crush on you. He really likes your...your...your hands!
: Really really...?
: Yes yes...!1
: Well what can I say, you know if he really likes me and all, I have to do my best to try and stalk Lenny and Carl...(Hand on chin)
: Er...Captain Scarlet, there is no Lenny and Carl. They were all a figment of your imagination.
: Oh..why yes of course, that's what I wanted you to think...so I will go now...and save...Captain Grey, that fine hunk of a man.
(Captain Blue looks embarrassed by these revelations)
Ohhhhhhhhhh! I specifically said NO gay people! By the way, I didn't write this section anyway. I didn't write any of the bits starting from the part about Captain Grey having a secret crush on Captain Scarlet's hands. No, my friend Jenny wrote that, so its only fair to give her the credit.
Also, Zombie, I will be using your idea soon, so thanks very much for giving it to me and suggesting it.