I created this fanfic, because I thought that Capt. John Hart was one heck of a good character, so here is my first Torchwood fanfic, enjoy.

Also, this fanfic is going to be everything up to the last episode of Torchwood, but just differant. Okay? It's another perception of what could have happened.

Disclaimer: I only own the Rimaltines and Dogman.


"Does it hurt?" I laughed as I twisted the mans thumbs around.

"I- um…" The man stuttered.

I rolled my eyes, twisting harder "You know, the easiest thing to do, is just tell me, I won't mind!"

"But-"

"I think we know how this is going to end anyway, don't you?" The man blinked at me.

Dope.

He still didn't answer, I rolled my eyes, it was getting tedious. Just slightly.

"Okay, so, here is the deal" I said slowly, just so he could understand (I had a feeling it may be the accent) "You" I pointed to him "Are in excruciating pain. I" I pointed to myself "Am going to keep on twisting those lovely purple thumbs of yours right round…." He whimpered, "Until they fall off"

"I-"

His thumbs were already starting to crack, why was this so hard for him?

"Just. Tell. Me. Where. I. Can. Get. What. I. Want" Duh.

"Fine!" He snapped suddenly "I'll tell you"

"No need to get touchy now!" I smiled, letting go off his thumbs, and grabbing his neck instead (when I say neck, he was a bit overweight, so there wasn't really much of a neck to grab) "WHERE. IS. IT?"

"Earth!" He yelled "For Dogmans sake! Earth!"

Crud.

A bell started ringing somewhere, the bloody idiot had gotten too smart, and found out that there was a fire alarm next to him. So much for Rimaltines having a low IQ.

"Not good" I muttered "Really not good… Why the fuck are you smiling?!"

I pulled out my gun, and with a bang, he was gone.

"Well lads" I said, as a bunch of soldiers came towards me, each clutching bigger guns than me (at least mine lasts longer) "This has been… Enjoyable, but… Alas, you must see me go"

So, I did the simple thing. Ran.

It's what everyone/thing has to do at some point, can't really control that, unless you're Jabba the hut or whatever out of star wars. He just sort of sits there.

"Oi! Stop!"

Oh, yeah, you know. Because I'm really gonna stop because an old dude tells me too, bang there he goes again.

"HE JUST KILLED THE KING, SOMEONE STOP HIM!"

Bad idea that, well done John, a real round of applause to John Hart, smart arse of the galaxy. Still, he should have had some sort of warning sign over his head, a neon light that said "Don't kill me, I'm king!"

"HE EVEN BROKE THE SIGN THAT TOLD US NOT TO KILL HIM BECAUSE HE'S KING!" Someone screamed.

Note to self: Get eyes tested.

"GET AFTER HIM! VILLAGERS UNITE!"

Aaw... crap, when they say 'villagers' they mean a 'village' with a population of 3.6 million, they're at it like rabbits! (I'm not ashamed to admit that that was the initial reason of me coming to this planet.)

"Look, look!" I turned around, holding my hands in the, in defeat.

"HE'S GOING TO KILL US!"

Oh, yeah, I forgot that in this planet, holding your hands in the air means 'I'm going to kill you all, so I suggest you run' which normally, I wouldn't have minded doing, but they all have very good weapons aiming at me right this second.

"YOU HAVE GOT TEN SECONDS TO SURRENDER, PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN, AND WE WILL NOT SHOOT!" A voice came from nowhere.

Umm… Shit.

"Okay!" I put my arms down "But… LOOK! WHAT'S THAT?!" I waved my arms, pointing into the sky "IT'S A PLANE!" Everyone turned around, desperately looking for this plane. Imbeciles.

"BYE!"

I love the time vortex, it's got that wooshy feeling, something you can't really describe, unfortunate thing is, I still get travel sickness from it, and I forgot my bucket.

So, let me explain. Because that's what you do in this kind of thing, explain, just so that I know what's going on here, and what I plan to do.

I am Captain John Hart, I used to work for the time agency, cheating my way up the ranks (I slept with my bosses- man, woman or alien) until it closed down, I then found out about a jewel, and attempted to trick several people into doing my leg work- I was feeling lazy. I got caught and was forced to go somewhere else. I went on a lovely holiday to the planet Barcelona. I got a toy dog, which has no nose.

Whilst I was on Earth, I discovered a man who cannot die. His name is Captain Jack Harkness. My ex boyfriend/wife. Great arse.

Only then, I had a few... Difficulties with his brother. He kind of went mad. But i'll explain that later.

Eventually, after what seemed to be several solar systems going by (to tell the truth, it was) I got there, ready to throw up in the next public toilet because I hadn't got my bucket, and I'd left my travel sickness pill behind.

Fucking toilet was locked.


Yeah, so this is the story so far, I'm really looking forward to next weeks episode, and I plan to update some time soon. Torchwood is going to be apart of this, so rest assured.

Please R&R, preferably no flames.