Gin and Vodka walk into a bar… on Tuesday
Author's note: This all started when me and my sister were watching the Case Closed live-action TV drama... on the Internet... with a argument over how fake Gin's 'silver hair' looks in a movie when it's obviously supposed to be blond when my sister remarks, "What kind of code-names are Gin and Vodka anyways? They sound like joke names. You know like, 'Gin and Vodka walk into a bar' or something like that." And thus this crack was made... over seeing that the children's birthday party we were going to was serving alcoholic drinks for the adults... Not that we had any!
Disclamer: I do not own Case Closed/Detective Conan, or anything else I may have made a refrence to in this fanfiction.
Translation note: Since I use the Japanese name for the character, here are the name translations for those of you who watch the english series:
Shinichi Kudo- Jimmy Kudo
Ai Haibara- Anita Hailey
Genta Kojima- George Kaminski
Ayumi Yoshida- Amy Yeager
Ran Mori- Rachel Moore
Kogoro Mori- Richard Moore
My name is Shinichi Kudo
I may be trapped in the body of a 10 year old, but I'm still a Ace Detective. Although my identity as one may be hidden, there are some people that know my intellect is far past that of a elementary school student. It was an online argument with one of those people that began all this… a 'good friend' of mine who doubted my worth as a detective.
TheBestOfTheWest: You may be a detective, but you're sure not worthy of a world class title
DiminutiveDetective: What's that supposed to mean?
TheBestOfTheWest: I mean, any great detective has wit and humor by his side. How do you think all the great detectives pick up chicks?
DiminutiveDetective: Well that's kind of difficult for me in my situation. Unless you think a thumb-sucker qualifies as a chick.
TheBestOfTheWest: Still. You have no wit. No class. No funny bone! I bet you couldn't make a hyena laugh.
DiminutiveDetective: But what does being a great detective have to do with being funny?
TheBestOfTheWest: Ha! You admit you have no sense of humor!
DiminutiveDetective: I never said that!
TheBestOfTheWest: Then prove it! Tell a joke! And don't you try searching Google for one because I'd know. What's that thing you're always saying? 'One Truth Prevails?'
DiminutiveDetective: I don't need the internet! I've got plenty of jokes! Like… um… Gin and Vodka walk into a bar… on Tuesday…
TheBestOfTheWest: Awe, I can tell this one is already going to stink. I've got better things to do. You can get back to me on that when you've managed to make someone laugh with that kind of a joke.
-TheBestOfTheWest has logged off-
I shut down the computer angry with my colleague's attitude. Of course I could tell a joke! I was the great Shinichi Kudo… sure, I was, and am now known as Conan Edogawa, but I can tell a joke with ease! I walked up to the first person I saw ready to fire my joke at them. I knew she would be a difficult target… but I was confident that my joke would not fail.
"Haibara!" I called out from behind the seat of the computer. "I've got a joke!"
She didn't look too happy… apparently she was working on something important when I disturbed her and it had caused something or other to blow up, but I was sure my joke would be able to calm her down. She gave me a malicious glare as she waited for me to make my move. "Well Kudo?
"Gin and Vodka walk into a ba-"
"Gin and Vodka?!" The ex-organization member shouted in fear. "Are they here?!" Shifty glances emerged from her face, trying to find out where the two were hiding.
"No, no." I tried to assure her. "It's just a joke."
"This is no time to joke around Kudo!" Ai exclaimed. "Gin and Vodka are in the facility!"
"No!" I tried to assure her. "It's just a joke!"
"And how are our lives pitied against the black organization a laughing matter?" She asked putting me on the spotlight.
"Just hear me out… it's a really good one." I again assured her. Geez, and I was supposed to be the one with no sense of humor?
She gave me that glare again. "So, continue."
"So Gin and Vodka walk into a bar… on Tuesday" Because every great detective knows that all master jokes occur on a Tuesday.
"Yes, we've already established that." Ai said tapping her toe irritated. I knew I had to make it quick before I lost my audience.
"So Gin orders a Vodka, and but instead he gets a Sherry, so-"
Ai's eyes widened faster then how long it took for Richard to get drunk. "They're after me!" She screamed running out of the room looking for a place to hide from the dreaded organization that had killed her entire family.
I sighed as she ran off. That's strike one. I had to choose carefully who my next target would be. It had to be an intellectual… someone who could properly understand my joke and take it in. Someone scholarly enough to enjoy it. It was clear who was next.
I approached the man. Profesor Agasa had to appreciate his joke. Besides, he seemed to think all his own jokes were funny. Why would any of mine be any different. "Dr. Agasa! I got a joke to tell you!"
Dr. Agasa turned from his work, eager to hear what he had to say. He looked like he could use a good joke, and I was just in time to provide it for him. "Ok Shinichi-kun! Let's hear it!" He said just as eager as I thought he was.
"Alright then. Gin and Vodka-"
"Ohhh!" Agasa exclaimed. "Have you found out any information on their whereabouts Shinichi-kun?"
"Um…No." I had to admit. "But it's a joke. You see, Gin and Vodka walked into a bar on a Tuesday-"
"Oh, a joke I see! What a coincidence!" Agasa said getting more excited. But it didn't seem like he was excited for my joke anymore. I knew that type of excited voice… and it was always for… "You have to see my new invention!" …a new invention that would probably come of use in the next hour or so.
Those inventions of his got me out of a lot of tight spots, but now wasn't the time to hear about them. I had to prove that I could tell a joke! But if it was useful I guess that I could put up with it. "You see, it calculates the punch-line of a joke before the person can say it! Very useful for looking like a smart aleck in front of all your friends. Kind of like what you do Shinichi-kun with those Elementary school friends of yours."
Now that was low. Not only had he ignored his oh so awesome and well thought over joke, he also called him a smart aleck. He wasn't worthy of sharing my joke with.
Speaking of those Elementary school kids… they might have a sense of humor. They laughed at even the word 'Pudding'. They would surely laugh at the joke. "So Gin and Vodka walk into a bar on…"
But that is when I met the blinking blank faces of the Junior detective league. It didn't take a detective to tell what their faces were saying. "What are those thingies?" Asked Ayumi in confusion.
I blinked back. I should have known little kids wouldn't be able to laugh at this kind of joke. And as I walked toward the Mori detective agency, I could have sworn I heard Genta say, "He should have said something funny. Like pudding." Which was followed by the laughter of children.
I climbed up the stairs to the apartment and walked right in. The door was usually open. I looked up and stared into the face of my childhood friend, Ran Mori. She may not have realized that he wasn't just a child, but she could still comfort him. Even a fake laugh was still considered a laugh. "Hey Ran! I just heard the funniest joke!"
"Ok, Conan-kun." Ran said in no rush with her usual friendly big-sister like tone. "What is it?"
"Ok." I started. "Gin and Vodka walk into a bar-" Whack. I felt the bump come up on his head as soon as the words came out of my mind. Why wouldn't anyone even let me finish the joke?!
"Conan! Where did you learn those kind of words! I bet you heard them from dad! You shouldn't be talking about anything alcohol related!" Ran continued to rant on for a while, so I figured I should slip away before I fell asleep. I had already heard this speech many times.
Wait. That father of hers… perhaps he was drunk enough to take the joke! He rushed over to the small kitchen area of the apartment. Just as I suspected, Kogoro was surrounded by empty beer cans with a barely conscious look on his face. "Hey Conan, stop spinning around the room. You're making me dizzy. And why are you a blue and red blur… are you superman?"
Oh dear. He was more drunk then normal. Oh well. Perfect timing. He wouldn't have to even introduce it was a joke. "So Gin and Vodka-"
"Where?! I could use more of the stuff!" Kogoro said looking through the cans on the floor. He picked up a half full one. "I'll trade you three of mine for a bottle of Gin… two for some Vodka."
Wow… maybe he was too drunk. I decided on walking this one out. Even a drunk man could not laugh at a joke if he was searching for something to intoxicate him even further. I went back to my search around town. A random stranger would have to do it.
"Hey mister!" I said in a cheery voice tugging on someone's pants leg. That always got people's attention. "Wanna hear a joke?"
"Sure!" The man exclaimed with as just a cheery voice. I saw a name box appear under his face. Why did that give me an uneasy feeling. Bad things always happened when that blue box with white print appeared under a person's face.
"Ok, so Gin and Vodka walk into a bar on a Tuesday night and-" That's when I heard it. Bang! The bullet shot right through the man's heart as the blue box read the word 'Victim' under the man's name. I should have guessed. I walked off knowing it was useless to get a laugh out of a dead man.
"Hey wait little boy!" Called out a man from the crowd rushing up to Conan. "Don't you want to find out who did it little detective?" Asked the man ecstatic to see some murder mystery excitement.
"Can't you see I'm trying to tell a joke!" I shouted running off. I had to think about this. I'd have to strategize to see who would get this joke. Someone with just as much genus as I have. Someone who would let me finish. I rushed up to a rooftop to clear my head as I looked out to the clouds. I was in a calm silence until-
"So you've found out my location before the heist once again." Said a mysterious, yet familiar voice from behind me. "You're really getting annoying brat."
I turned around to meet the gaze of the phantom thief. "Kaito kid!" I exclaimed shocked. I didn't even know he was trying to acquire any pricless artifacts around this time. I assumed that since it was a national holiday, he'd be off too… didn't he have a life or something? Not to mention that I had no idea that he'd be here. But as a detective, I had to keep my cool appearance and accomplish my goal. "Want to hear a joke?" I asked.
"Well since it seems like more of a demand then request, I suppose I have the time." Kaito said adjusting his monocle while looking around him to see if any police were approaching.
This seemed like it was it. Someone was actually paying attention. They were on a rooftop with no one else but the two of them. Nothing could disturb them. "Gin and Vodka walk into a bar." I waited for the interruption. None. I felt victory coming upon me as I continued. "On a Tuesday… so Gin orders a-"
"Oh, Tuesday? Do you mean next Tuesday? Sorry, I've already sent the invitation for another heist that day. I'm stealing the Chaos Emeralds. Sorry I can't make your little date with Gin and Vodka." The phantom thief said as the glider popped out of his backside. He jumped off the building and flew off as if he were some sort of bad bat man cosplayer.
"Nooo!" I cursed to the skis. There had to be someone who would understand my joke! I had to be the greatest detective! Someone in the universe had to be willing to understand and listen to the entire joke! That's when it hit me like Ran's last smack.
It was in a dark street ally when I met the two criminals. "I've got something for you." I said approaching them. I don't know how I found them, but I won't bother to go into it.
"What is it kid?" Vodka asked searching for any police in the area. There were none.
"A joke." I said with a smirk on my face. I shouted at the top of my lungs hoping to get it through before they said anything "Gin and Vodka walked into a bar on Tuesday-" But once again, he was cut off.
"Is that what this is about?" Gin asked. "You do not know how to tell a joke kid."
"That's the whole point!" I cried out. I finally admitted it. I really did not have the ability to tell a joke. I could not be the greatest detective without humor on my side.
"Oh but if that's all you wanted why didn't you say so?" Vodka said looking at it as no big deal. "You just need a bit of a reenactment! A visual to get the art of joking down!"
So I followed the two, intent on learning this sacred art of joking. For I would be the greatest detective in no time.
"Hey " Ran asked talking to him on the phone really worried. "Have you seen Conan? I haven't seen him since yesterday."
"Oh don't worry." Agasa said not worried at all. "He just walked into a bar with Gin and Vodka."
So don't forget to review! Just because it's a one-shot, doesn't mean you can't send me your love through reviews! Cookies with Vodka and Gin in them for all! No, not the cut up pieces of the characters in them... unless you want them that way!