A.N./Disclaimer: This is just a fic i wrote in a fit of mild depression after a fight with my Mello, nothing too special and it didn't take me too long to write. it's not exsactly a songfic but the song i had in mind when writing it was "Whisper" by Evanescence. Disclaimer: I don't own Death Note, Matt or Mello. i wish i did, but i don't.

It's always like this...

It has been since we were kids in the orphanage. Every little step I try to take closer to you. I feel like you're dancing two steps in front of me. 'don't hate me' I beg silently on the inside. 'don't leave me behind' i run after you in my heart, i think sometimes it might be useless. When i think I've caught up, you run ahead of me.

I know you're insecure, I know you think I'm going to leave you one day to find someone better.

It's always been like that...

You were always number two to him to everyone else, but never to me. You've always been number one for me. I reach out and touch your hair softly, beautiful like gold..you pull away from my touch. It hurts, but what can i do? i move over and sit down by my PS2 and flip it on to play a game to make me feel better. i can barely remember what's popped in there...Soul Caliber, it will do...a fighting game is simple and would give me chances to continue to watch you.

You we're always my one and only, yet you never seem to want to hear those words.

"Lair! in time you'll come to see me as inferior and leave me! just like everyone else."

I don't think you know how much hearing those words hurts me, i feel consistently like i should apologise. apologise because i can't make you happy.

I'm sorry Mello, from the bottom of my heart I'm sorry.

"sorry isn't good enough..."

Then what is...what can i do, what can i say? it feels sometimes like i am drowning, it's hard to breathe when I think that there is nothing i can do to help you.

I watch you out of the corner of my eye as i play my game with only half of a heart, up...down...X...O...it's so simple a child could do it. i watch you laying on the couch drugged up on god knows what and i want to cry. I want to scream, I want to take all the pills and throw them out of the house because i can't stand to see you like this.

I know it's to ease your pain but there are other ways aren't there? if you'd just let me help...I'd try my hardest to make your pain go away. one step closer, two steps back.

"I love you Mel.." I say to you, i'm afraid your angry at me. I'm always a little afraid i'll say the wrong thing and i'll loose you...

"you too." you reply.

Would it be so hard to say it back to me? you always did before, it cuts through my heart like a dull knife..i want to cry...i want to scream...why can't you just return those words...I know i have no right to ask you to say them back to me. maybe i never really did have a right...I'm a needy little bitch...and for that too...i'm sorry...

"please say it Mello..."

you don't want to, i can tell...your going to leave me...I'm so scared of it it haunts my nightmares...

...I love you Mello...please say it back to me...just once more...then maybe...

when the time comes...

I can die without thinking you didn't love me back.