It Doesn't Matter

As it turns out, it seems nothing matters anymore. It doesn't matter that her insides were blown onto the sidewalk. It doesn't matter that her tender skin was brutally forced into a deformed mass of unrecognizable flesh. It doesn't matter that all that was left of her organs were washed away by the rain before cleanup crews could get to it. It doesn't matter that she took her last breath before she hit the ground. It doesn't matter that I took my last breath when she took hers. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter I cried all my tears into her organ splattered dress. It doesn't matter I felt her body heat slowly slipping away. It doesn't matter I saw the color drain from her eyes. It doesn't matter she collapsed to the cement in a puddle of blood, insides, and regret. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter that I'll never be able to say goodbye. It doesn't matter that the only signs that show she ever existed are pictures. It doesn't matter that only memories keep me company anymore. It doesn't matter that the only way I can listen to her voice is a month old voicemail. It doesn't matter no one will ever have the opportunity to be caught by her infectious smile. It doesn't matter the only trace left of her scent is on a pillowcase. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter that she's the thing that matters most to me. It doesn't matter that I'll never hear her breathing again. It doesn't matter I'll never watch her chest rise up and down. It doesn't matter that I won't be able to find home in her arms anymore. It doesn't matter that my skin will never touch hers again. It doesn't she won't capture my lips in hers anymore. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter that her body no longer moves. It doesn't matter her death took the vibrancy out of life. It doesn't matter that she's now buried six feet beneath the dirt. It doesn't matter that her body's decaying in that ivory coffin. It doesn't matter I screamed in anguish until I couldn't feel my throat. It doesn't matter that my eyes are never dry. It doesn't matter she never did anything to die the way she did. It doesn't matter she never deserved to have her internal structure violently swept from its resting place. It doesn't matter she bled to her death. It doesn't matter.

It doesn't matter she left me behind to cope. It doesn't matter I cry myself to sleep and wake up to a nightmare. It doesn't matter she's gone. It doesn't matter there's no one else who loves me unconditionally. It doesn't matter that I'm begging to be taken too. It doesn't matter there's this constant ache everywhere. It doesn't matter her parents blame me for her death. It just doesn't fucking matter anymore.

Who knew a tiny piece of metal could cause so much damage?

I knew. And tonight I'm making a change.