The X-Files

Mulder and Doggett- The Neverending Arguments...

Mulder and Doggett 1: The First Encounter...

(Doggett comes into Mulder's office. Mulder is sitting on the chair with his legs up on the table.)

Doggett: What the hell are you doing in here?

Mulder: Hey, this is my office you know.

Doggett: Not no more it ain't.

Mulder: Well Excuse me, but I think it was my office first.

Doggett: You know what? I'm sick of having this conversation with you.

Mulder: Way to state the obvious. I'm sick of having to tell you to keep your nose out where you're not wanted!

Doggett: Speak for yourself! You're just so jealous of me because I took over while you were missing. You just can't accept that things have changed, and whether you like it or not-

Mulder: Oh, save it for someone who cares Doggett.

Doggett: You just can't accept the fact that-

Mulder: I'm not listening...

Doggett: If you'd just pay attention for one second!

Mulder: Da da da da daaaaaaa... (He puts fingers in his ears)

Doggett: Mulder! This is my god-damn office now, NOT YOURS!

Mulder: It's never been yours Doggett. This office is the office of a man who believes. A man who would do whatever it takes to seek out the truth. And that ain't you.

Doggett: That's crazy talk Mulder! You're crazy!

Mulder: No Doggett, I am not. As far as I'm concerned, you were the one who waltzed in here. You nicked my office, my job, my life, my Scully, my posters that say 'I want to believe' on them-

Doggett: You're stupider than I thought.

Mulder: Stupider like a fox!

Doggett: Finally, we agree on something.

Mulder: Who said we agreed? I'm never going to agree with anything you say, EVER!

Doggett: Mulder, get the hell out of my office please. Unlike some people I've got work to do. I don't have time for this childish nonsense.

Mulder: As far as I'm concerned, this is my office, so I'm not going anywhere.

Doggett: Oh give it a rest Mulder! I'm trying to be the sensible one here but you're just pushing me over the edge!

Mulder: And all the way to the bottom I hope.

Doggett: RIGHT! THAT'S IT!

(He jumps onto the desk and knocks Mulder off his chair onto the floor, just as Scully walks in)

Scully: Mulder?! Doggett?! What the hell are you playing at?

(Mulder and Doggett point to each other at the same time)

Mulder/Doggett: He started it.

Mulder and Doggett 2: The Maze

(Mulder and Doggett are trapped in a maze. What are they gonna do?)

Mulder: Right, let's go this way.

Doggett: No, we're going this way.

Mulder: Look, I just told you, we're going right, right?

Doggett: And I said left, right?

Mulder: I knew you'd come round to my way of thinking

Doggett: No, I said we were going left! Can't you get that into your thick skull?`

Mulder: Oh yeah, sure I can. But I'm going right.

Doggett: What makes you think that going right is right?

Mulder: Cos I'm a better agent than you.

Doggett: Oh yeah?

Mulder: Yeah! Can you handle that? Can you deal with that you idiot? You're weak and stupid, you stupid weak baby! I'm the best around here.

Doggett: Would a 'Stupid weak baby' find you?

Mulder: Well you did didn't you?

Doggett: Look Mulder, we're never gonna get out of here if we don't work together.

Mulder: There you go again, always Mister 'I'm so grown up and sensible'. Say something stupid for a change!

Doggett: What? You mean like this: 'What's the funniest joke in the world? Mulder's intelligent?' (He startes laughing) You're just a retarded albanian warthog Mulder! Except twice as ugly! That silly enough for you?

Mulder: (Angry) You wanna piece of me?

Doggett: Bring it on. I think I can beat someone with a dumb name like 'Fox'.

Mulder: You got yourself a deal John Jay Doggett!

(They start punching and fighting)

Mulder and Doggett- Close encounters of the third kind:

(Scully walks into Doggett's office with an apple)

Scully: Here you go.

(She hands him the apple)

Doggett: What's this all about?

Scully: Mulder threw it on the floor and said you could have it.

Doggett: Oh, he did, did he?

Scully: Well, he's in the cupboard. Why don't you ask him?

Doggett: Why is he in the cupboard?

Scully: He says' he's a peaceful protestor for getting his office back. Oh yeah, and he said there's plenty more apples where that came from.

(From inside the cupboard, Mulder speaks)

Mulder: There sure is!

(Apples fly through the door of the cupboard and smack Doggett in the face)

Doggett: You son of a-

Scully: Now now Doggett, Mulder meant well.

Doggett: My arse he did. Doesn't he ever do anything productive?

Mulder: (From inside cupboard) Unfortunately, No.

The Jealousy Of Mulder:

(Scully and Doggett are walking along the corridor, laughing and joking)

Doggett: Thanks for helping me out Scully. I couldn't have done it without you.

Scully: Oh, that's fine.

(Mulder is secretly following them with a pair of binoculars)

Mulder: (To self) Oh, so it's 'fine' is it? We'll see about that...

Doggett: Well, I've kinda got a lot of work to do now, so, how about, we meet up after work and go to a bar somewhere?

Mulder: (whispering) Sorry Doggett. Scully's meeting me after work.

Scully: Well, I was mean to be meeting Mulder later, but, since you asked, sure. I'll see you at seven, outside, okay?

Mulder: Bitch!

(Mulder sneaks off into Doggett's office, seconds before the door is opened by Doggett)

Doggett: Mulder? What are you doing in here? You scared the hell out of me.

Mulder: What's all this between you and Scully then?

Doggett: Me and Scully? Nothing.

Mulder: Oh yeah, that's what they all say.

Doggett: If you must know, we're just going to a bar after work.

Mulder: Great. I'll join you shall I?

Doggett: (sighing) I suppose so.

Mulder: Excellent! I'll see you there old buddy. What bar are we talking about here?

Doggett: Er...Moes.

Mulder: Right. Sorted. See ya later John Jay!

(Mulder walks off, but quickly ducks behind a door about halfway down the corridor)

Mulder: (To himself) Let's see you try and get rid of me now!

That evening- After Work- Doggetts Office

(Scully walks in)

Scully: Hey Doggett. You ready?

Doggett: Yeah. I'm just finished off this report. I'll meet you by the entrance in a minute okay?

Scully: Sure.

(Scully makes her way down the corridor only to run into Mulder. Mulder smirks in a smug kind of way.)

Scully: Mulder? What are you doing here so late?

Mulder: Oh, you know.

Scully: No, I don't. Would you like to explain?

Mulder: No comment.

Scully: Look, Mulder, I'm kinda busy right now, I'm meeting-

Mulder: Doggett? Yeah, me too. He invited me.

Scully: Did he now?

Mulder: Oh, yeah. So, off you go to the entrance and I'll see you there when I've filed away these convenient documents.


(Mulder walks off down the corridor)

To Be Continued...

The Prank- Starring Doggett and Mulder

(Doggett is hiding behind the door with a sling-shot)

Doggett: Heh heh heh heh heh.

(Mulder approaches)

Doggett: You're in for it now, you bastard!

Mulder: (unsuspecting) Daaaaaaaaa da da da daaaa!

(Doggett fires the slingshot and a stone hits Mulder on the back of his head. Doggett quickly ducks back behind the door)

Mulder: What the? (he picks up stone, and begins talking to nobody in particular) A stone. Nice one. I overlooked it.

Doggett: What a loser.

Mulder: I heard that! Get your ass out here Doggett right now!

Doggett: I'm not that stupid.

Mulder: Well you sure fooled me. (he sees Doggett's arm sticking out from behind the door.) Ah-ha!

(Mulder slams the door back, crushing Doggett. Doggett slides out onto the floor in a crumpled mess.)

Mulder: Round one to me!