10A/N: Hi Everyone! This is my first fic ever and I am a bit nervous about showing it to the world. It is a one-shot and it takes place right after 5x05. It explores Brooke's emotions. It is a bit angsty, but I hope you like it. Please review!
Big thanks to Mosie1213 for inspiring me to write, and for betaing the story! Check out her stories, they are GREAT!
As she left his hotel room, tears streamed down her cheeks, increasing as she walked further and further away.
Her stride is long but unsteady, as she starts going over what just happened in her mind. He kissed her. Even it if it was for all the wrong reasons, it felt so good to feel his lips against hers one more time. She had pretended for so long that she didn't care, that she almost believed it. But right now, at this precise moment, she knew it wasn't true. She still loved him and it terrified her.
He kissed her – she remembered- and right after that thought, she recalled the words he'd said when she pulled away: "I'm lost without her." She could feel those words rip through her chest like a sharp knife. Peyton, it had always been Peyton, and it would always be her.
Of course, the kiss hadn't been about Brooke. She'd always been a stepping-stone for him, even when he'd sworn to her once that he loved her. He'd promised he'd never hurt her again, that he was the guy for her, if only she gave him the chance. And she gave in, because she did love him. She'd believed him – she needed to. He was all she had ever wanted.
God, she couldn't believe how stupid she'd been… she knew full well that he'd hurt her again. And he did. And after that, she had tried for so long to repress and bury every memory she had with him. She'd convinced herself that they were great friends, and that it was better that way. She made sure she concealed her emotions well. She'd always been good at that. She'd gone back to her old mischievous ways so everyone would be happy knowing she'd never stopped being the party girl everyone wanted her to be. It was easier on everyone that way. It made sense, and no one would have to worry about her.
And now, how could he do this to her. She had to watch him drink himself to oblivion to cope with Peyton's rejection. How could Peyton turn him down? How dared she do that after Brooke had given him up to her, like she wanted… because she said she 'loved' him.
She hurries her steps. She needs to get out of this hotel and into the streets of Manhattan. The noise, the lights, the people rushing and the traffic; all these distractions help her numb her pain and drown the voices in her head. She wishes he wasn't so naïve as to think she could be his shoulder to cry on. Didn't he remember what they used to be? Didn't he remember how, once, back in Tree Hill, the day of the blackout, he convinced her that he had chosen her over Peyton because he loved her? Didn't he remember he had a never-ending list of reasons why it had been her, Brooke and not Peyton, this time… why it had been her all along?
"Why is it me this time, why not Peyton?" she'd asked. How could he have lied straight to her face. He knew he'd break hear heart. But he didn't care, right? He never had. He was too selfish.
It was her fault back then to take him back. She knew it then. She knows it now. She had been fooling herself thinking he actually loved her. She needed to believe that. For even when he was her boyfriend, and even when he swore he loved her, he kept running after Peyton. He kept saving Peyton. He'd promised that he would save her from it all, but he never did. He let her walk away, not really questioning why.
Brooke can't think of this anymore. She shakes her head, and she knows she should be putting away the memories of Lucas back into that hidden place in her mind, or rather her heart. She must forget about him, about everything they had or it will kill her all over again. She is aware of the consequences, and still, there's such a large part of her that desperately wants to feel it all again.
She tries to remember what it felt like – to be loved and held. She tries to remember what it felt like… to feel. Now, all she felt was numbness. Her thoughts drift back to senior year – and that infamous graduation party. She remembers the conversation she had with Lucas. Well, she faintly remembers much really – everything after Nathan and Haley's wedding, when she realized she had to let Lucas go, was a blur to her. At that party, a couple of months later, she had told Lucas she thought she loved that guy… Chase. It takes a moment for her to remember Chase's face, but she does. Why had Lucas actually believed her?
Of course he did! It was a perfect way to make himself feel better. That way he wouldn't have to deal with how much he had hurt her. It hadn't been true – telling him this, telling everyone how much she liked this other guy was the only way people would leave her alone and not feel sorry for her. She couldn't have everyone know how badly she was hurting inside. No one could find out how she cried herself to sleep every night, thinking about Lucas. She didn't want their pity. She needed them to think she didn't care.
Tears keep streaming down her face as she makes her way through 57th Street, trying once again to push these thoughts away. She considers hailing a cab, but she decides against it. She can't talk to anyone right now, she needs to be alone. She is always alone, after all. Everyone has someone – but not her. She has no one; no one to love her, no one to ever pine for her. She is alone, completely and utterly alone. As hard as tries, she can't stop the tears from rolling down her flushed cheeks yet again; she feels like a little child, helpless. What's worse is that no one will notice, no one will ever care. There will be no one there to comfort her when she gets home. So why cry at all? She needs to pull herself together and she knows it – Victoria, her mother, would scold her if she saw Brooke was a mess. Brooke doesn't need that right now; she doesn't need to be reminded of how much of a failure she is.
She finally reaches her brownstone. She fumbles with the keys and manages to open the door. As she shoves it closed, she leans forward - her forehead against the wooden door- she tries to leave every thought that's been flooding her head outside. Once more, all she feels is empty.
And then it hits her: it is wrong to remember her time with Lucas. It is wrong and it is stupid, because it was never real. It is at that moment when the realization settles in; she doesn't know what love is. She can physically feel her heart sink.
She thought she knew what love was – she was in love with Lucas. Then she wonders: doesn't it take two to love? Because if that's the case, then she doesn't know what real love is. She's only been in a one-sided relationship, filling in for the girl with the lead role- Brooke was merely the understudy in the epic love story. Or what was even worse: his time with Brooke had made Lucas see that his heart was meant for someone else, someone much better than her. The moment he'd figured that out, he was gone and ready to embark in a long-term relationship, a real relationship with someone he truly loved. Brooke had given him all of her, and was left empty-handed, with no one to love and no one to love her.
She'd stripped her heart naked and worn it on her sleeve only to have it torn from her and then shattered in a million pieces; she'd been left alone crying in the vast ocean of her loneliness.
Only one thought resonates in her head now, and possibly her heart. And an overwhelming sense of fear sets in: she doesn't know real love. She is not sure she ever will.