You May Kiss the Rum
Disclaimer: I don't own Pirates of the Caribbean.
There are few things in life more special than a wedding. It is a day when a man and a woman declare their love for each other, and join together in holly matrimony. This story is about no ordinary wedding, though. It features an odd groom, and an equally, if not stranger, bride.
Captain Jack Sparrow felt his palms get sweaty. He was really nervous. In a few minutes from now, he would be a married man.
Who was Jack's bride? She was a bottle of rum. He had loved her for as long as he could remember. It was love at first sight. Or in this case, love at first sip.
Jack hear a knock at his door. "Come in", he shouted. The door opened, and in waked Mr. Gibbs. Jack had chosen Gibbs to be his best man.
"What do you want?" asked Jack. "We're all ready for you", Gibbs answered. "How is Rum?" asked Jack.
"She's all set too", said Gibbs. "May I see her?" asked Jack. "No", Gibbs replied quickly. "Why not?" asked Jack. "It's bad luck for the groom to see the bride before the wedding", Gibbs explained. "Old superstitious fool", Jack muttered under his breath. "What was that?" asked Gibbs. "Nothing. Nothing at all", was Jack's reply.
Mr. Gibbs cocked an eyebrow at him. "Fine", he said. "Let's go then."
Jack and Gibbs made their way to the chapel. All the people we seated. The guest included many different pirates from around the world. Even the crew Jack had assembled to get back the Black Pearl were there.
This group was made up of Marty, Mr. Cotton, his parrot, Anna Maria and Will Turner. The only person missing was Elizabeth Swann. She wasn't invited because Jack was afraid that she might try to burn his rum, again.
The procession began. The bottle of rum was brought out. She was wearing a short dress and Vail. But the train of her dress was long. Six people had to carry it; three on one side, three on the other.
Jack grinned widely when the bottle got to the altar. "You look beautiful", he told her. "Thank you", said the bottle of rum. "You look handsome as well."
The people just stood there. Their eyes were wide, and their mouths hung open. The bottle of rum could talk. Jack ignored the crowd's reaction. He was too captivated with his bride to notice anything else.
Then the minster came out. It was now Jack's turn to be shocked, when he saw who it was. It was Hector Barbossa.
"W-what are YOU doing here?!" Jack stammered. "You're supposed to be DEAD!"
"My dream in life was to perform wedding ceremonies", said Barbossa. "It was granted to me in the after-life." "Does this include the weddings of the living?" asked Jack. "Yes", said Barbossa. Jack tried to stifle a shudder, without success. Luckily, nobody seamed to have heard him.
"Let's get down to what we came here for", said Barbossa. "Do you, Jack Sparrow, take this bottle of rum to be you lawfully wedded wife?" he asked. "I do", said Jack.
Then Barbossa turned to face the bottle of rum. "And do you, Bottle of Rum, take Jack Sparrow to be your lawfully wedded husband? "I do", she answered. "By the power vested in me, I now pronounce you man and Rum", said Barbossa. "You may kiss the Rum."
Jack and Rum closed in for a kiss. It was a kiss full of passion. Jack single-handedly decided it was the best kiss he'd ever had in his whole life. He never wanted it to end. He bet his new wife felt the same way.
Then Jack heard someone call his name. "Jack, Jack, Jack", the voice cried. It was at that moment when he also felt his shoulder being nudged.
Jack slowly opened his eyes. He awoke to find Mr. Gibbs standing over him. "Sir, we've spotted land", said Gibbs. "Very good. You may go now", said Jack. Mr. Gibbs made his exit.
Jack surveyed his surroundings. He was in his cabin on the Black Pearl. "It was a dream?!" Jack wondered aloud. "That means I didn't marry my bottle of rum after all." Jack fell back on his pillow, closed his eyes and went back to sleep.
A/N: This story is set between Curse of the Black Pearl and Dead Man's Chest. That being the case, why is Barbossa the minister? If he's dead? I'll tell you why. The whole wedding ends up being a dream. Anything and everything usually happens in dreams. Plus I loved him during Will and Elizabeth's wedding in At World's End. I thought he was just so funny during that scene. That's why I brought him back from the dead.