All right, here's a goodie, kiddies. I was inspired to write this little bit here after reading a couple of fanfics and decided why not? Sure, there were plenty moral reasons why not to, but I didn't really care. You read the summary, right? Right. Enjoy!
Emergency Legendary Meeting!
It was a Sunday afternoon, all presumably normal. Within the large mansion located in Celadon, now under new ownership, Mewtwo was sitting his favorite lazyboy recliner, drinking merrily as he shouted at his television set. "Damnit, Undertaker! Kill that son of a gun Edge before I do over the internet again!"
Yes... everything was normal. Until, that is, Mewtwo saw 'The Commercial.'
"We'll be right back after this short commercial break." Mewtwo threw an empty beer can at his television and groaned.
"That'll take minutes... I'll have passed out from alcohol poisoning in minutes..." He grumbled, warping another beer in his paws.
"LEGENDARY POKEMON FARCE! Shaymin participates in local county fair as lead singer! More at eleven." shouted an overly-hyper newsperson, right before punching another newscaster's face in. Who kept smiling.
Mewtwo immediately spat out a mouthful of beer at his television set. Which immediately exploded. "Legendary Pokemon a farce?! What the hell! Outrageous! How dare they call me and unimportant others a farce!"
He stood suddenly and went into some serious contemplation. "There has to be some mistake here... Legendaries kick all ass... Trainer's fear us and wish to capture us so badly they travel to New York for some strange reason..."
Then he realized it. "Shaymin... " His eyes burned. "DAMNIT! I KNEW those Sinnoh legendaries were crap! They'll be the end of us..."
Something had to be done. Mewtwo picked up his phone. "This calls for a meeting!"
16:00, INDIGO PLATEAU... 16:01
Within a mere two hours, somehow Mewtwo had managed to gather every single legendary Pokemon he knew existed within the Pokemon League. They had bound and gaged the Elite Four and incarcerated Red in a nearby broom closet, so the entire Indigo Plateau was to them.
Rare and powerful Pokemon crowded a single, very large room, and gossiped excitedly. Most haven't seen each other in thousands of years, and there was a whole lot of crap to pass around. Why do you think Groudon and Kyogre fight?
Mewtwo was sitting at the head of a large table, Lugia and Mew nearby. Mew was simply texting someone, seeming unaffected by the absurd meeting, and Lugia glanced around anxiously. "Two, I really don't think this is a good idea." Something occurred to him when Mewtwo nodded and mentioned something about Bill Clinton in response. "...Have you been drinking? Again?"
"'Course not. Beer is for miserable people at bars and happy Pokemon." Then Mewtwo pulled out a can, drank a few hurried gulps and slammed it on the table furiously. "I'm neither."
Lugia sighed as Mewtwo began trying to get the legendaries attention. "Why...?"
"Okays, everyone... I have gathered you all here today to discuss a very, very important matter that needs our urgent attention." Mewtwo announced loudly, glaring down at a few of the assembled Mons.
Lugia buried his face in a wing.
But before he could continue, Lucario asked, "Hey. Uh... why exactly am I here? I've had my own movie, yeah, but I'm not really a legendary."
Mew studied him hard, looking away from her cell phone. "...Aren't you dead?"
Lucario glared. "I was, thanks to you and your stupid 'tree of life'."
"Ever see what happens when you take away drugs from addicted people?" Mew questioned seriously.
"Yeah, they break down. Why?"
"Same thing here. Leave my tree alone."
"Silence! You're here because I don't care about any of you!" Mewtwo shouted.
"Wait..." Lucario began to protest. "That doesn't make any–"
Mewtwo threw a judge's mallet and hit Lucario in the head, promptly knocking him over. "A-hem! As I was saying, we have a very urgent matter to attend to... We legendaries have been called a FARCE!"
No response. Uxie burped, but that was about it.
"And, AND!" Mewtwo continued, like there was actually a commotion over this. "I believe the newer editions to the legendary family are to blame!"
Shocked and astonished gasps came from the crowd. Mewtwo grinned.
"LOOK! THERE'S A BUTTON ON THE GROUND! AND IT WASN'T THERE BEFORE!" Shouted Cresselia.
"It could belong to Red!"
"We should eat him!"
They all turned around, and somehow a Pokemon Trainer had snuck in and was aiming a badly designed 'Master Ball' at Deoxys. He noticed the legendaries glaring. "Aw, damnit..."
Heatran tossed the Trainer to the sky and leapt after him before quickly eating the poor boy. He landed and made a stance. "Ta-da!"
The legendaries gave their applause.
"Damn humans..." Mewtwo growled. "I'm still going to destroy them all... next Tuesday. Anyway, back to our discussion. We must find out what legendaries are ruining us, and do something about it!"
Mewtwo snapped his fingers and Lugia pulled up a laptop to the table. "This is why Lugia has recently surfed the web... compiling answers to this horrible occurrence. We have found out what little teenagers and punk-rock kids these days think about us..." he narrowed his eyes. "and the newer Legendaries..."
A few gulps came from the crowd.
Lugia noticed something. "Two you... kinda mixed that up, it's punk rock teenagers, and... wait, you know what, forget it." He went back to the computer.
Groudon, sitting in the back, turned to Kyogre. "Soo... we're in the clear, right?"
"How the hell should I know, you tramp!" Kyogre retorted heatedly. Then she paused. "Wait...aren't we supposed to be dueling in an epic full-scale battle that could destroy a continent because you flirted with Giratina?"
"Oh, that load of bull again. Well, if you feel like it..."
Kyogre blasted Groudon's face with a Hydro Pump. Groudon smashed into the wall, and the building shook. Grinning, he wiped a claw across his face a licked the blood. "IT'S GO TIME!"
With that the two began feuding with another full-scale battle of epic proportions...
Rayquaza sighed. "Damnit, again?" Suddenly the dragon arose to the air with a very threatening demeanor and began charging a Hyper Beam...
Moments after an explosion, Groudon and Kyogre could be seen by tourists falling down a very steep mountain the Indigo Plateau had been 'relocated' to for the meeting.
Mewtwo stared, then turned on Rayquaza. "Damnit, Ray! We needed them! They were in the top ten!"
The remaining legendaries silently gave their applause again.
Mewtwo sighed and gave up. "Forget it. Okay. Onto business. Pokemon-responsible-for-our-untimely-downfall number one! HEATRAN!"
"Christopher from New York says, 'Magmar does a better job than you as a Pokemon. You suck donkey-balls.' Love, Chris."
"-elp! I -an't bre-!" Came a muffled cry from Heatran's stomach. The Pokemon shrugged helplessly. Meanwhile Mew was floating about in a waitress outfit and passed out drinks from a platter. She passed Mewtwo a root beer.
"Oh, thanks, I–" He did a double take. "Mew! The hell are you doing?!"
"You got boring, so I decided to do something fun." Mew replied tersely, now passing around alcoholic beverages using telekinesis for some reason. "Money really comes in for hot waitresses!"
Lugia laughed, Uxie burped again, and Mewtwo groaned. "Fine, whatever... do what you wish."
An explosion came from the next room. Mew gasped. "Oh no, the cupcakes!" she hurried off.
Entei called after her worriedly. "Did you add the extra gun powder in mine? I said don't bake it!"
"Moving on..." Lugia interrupted as Mewtwo slammed his head into the table many times, "Next on the list of disgraceful legendaries is... Giratina." Lugia glanced at the towering Dragon and ghost type, eyes puzzled. "...Why are you even here?"
"My parents didn't use protection."
"Next... Cresselia!" Mewtwo had taken the laptop. "Ah-ha! It is the Sinnoh legendary Pokemon dragging us down!" he declared, then tossed a swift glare at the Lunar Pokemon. "And you, you evil...twisted psychopath... Why did you glue my tail and other things to a cat-litter box that night!? HUH!?"
Mewtwo quickly cleared his throat. "Next... Darkrai! Jake from Minnesota says, 'You got whupped by Dialga and Palkia to the point of nearly fading from existence, you pathetic snot."
Dialga and Palkia snickered and gave each other a high-five. Raikou vaguely observed Dialga walked on all fours. Now he was frightened.
Darkrai raised a ziplock bag. "I have pot."
"He's good!" Mewtwo tossed both paws into the air.
"Riiiight..." Lugia scooted his chair away from an overly gleeful Mewtwo. "All right... Arceus. Many Pokemon and people alike claim you're no god of Pokemon. I'm one of 'em."
Arceus stood and broke his chair. "I shall send ye all back from whence ye came!"
"HA!" Mewtwo scoffed like a four-year-old with ice cream in front of many hungry toddlers. "I'd like to see you try!"
Manaphy suddenly went bye-bye from the room the moment Arceus' eyes flashed.
Mewtwo stared, and so did everyone else. For three whole minutes.
"HE'S GOOD!" Lugia screamed, terrified.
Arceus gave a twisted chuckle. "Good... good..." he bellowed as he passive-affectionately petted a trembling Azelf.
"Hey, what about Hoenn legendaries?" Jirachi questioned indignantly.
"No one cares about you." Darkrai replied, as if it was obvious.
Jirachi floated out the room in a crying fit.
"HONEY! DON'T LISTEN TO HIM! HE DOESN'T KNOW!" Dialga ran after her.
Mew floated nearby a gaping Mewtwo and Lugia, wearing a chef's hat now. "'Kay. I'm going to go out on a limb here and say... that's disturbing."
Lugia turned to Mewtwo. "Should we continue? You know... before more Pokemon are dramatized and/or scarred for life?"
Mewtwo warped in a beer, "After I'm drunk enough to get those images out of my mind."
Lugia stood silently in consideration. "...Could you warp me in twenty? That should at least be enough to help me along..."
Mew considered the vodka she'd seen in the kitchen. Mixed with a few other drinks... "Could we simply throw a party instead?" she narrowed her eyes mischievously at Ho-oh, who was eating some very burnt cupcakes at the moment. "I'm sure Ho-oh would have great time, after a drink or twelve..."
Lugia smirked. "Lightweight."
Ho-Oh's eyes flashed with sheer murderous rage directed at the two. "No one will ever tie me up, throw me on the lawn, and paste that damn gay-rainbow sign of me again! EVER!"
Mew started laughing, and Mewtwo blinked. "Did I miss something?"
"Something funny, yeah. My cousin told me about it." Lugia replied, also laughing.
Ho-Oh scowled. "Damnit that Silver..."
Mewtwo noticed something. "Hey... were are the dogs?"
In a few rooms next to lobby...
Raikou and Entei were heatedly engaged in a epic battle... of Mortal Combat.
Suicune was sitting on the next empty sofa, reading a magazine while she waited for her turn to play, but she was distracted; reading an article with the heading, 'How to please your mon.' After reading a line in particular, Suicune blinked. "Oh... Well... that's interesting..." Eagerly she went back to reading.
Meanwhile after much button mashing and DaulShock2 controller abuse, suddenly the TV echoed. "Fatality!"
Entei began growling lowly, and Raikou grinned. "Ah... the master prevails yet again."
Who's next on the worst legendary list? Will Jirachi ever return to the meeting with Dialga? What became of Manaphy? Didn't I do this outro author's note before? Yes I have. Stay tunned for next time, and review!
Oh right, and just toss me any ideas that you would like to see happen with any legendary Pokemon and I'll make it happen if it's reasonable!
On another side note, credit goes to Flint for the joke involving Ho-Oh. He knows where that's from. Expect the next chapter soon!