Disclaimer: Metal Gear is not my work.
"Snake, do you remember the sinking of the tanker two years ago?" The voice of the Colonel blurted out, as cameras panned across the Verrazano Bridge.
"Of course." Our hero said, swimming through the waters of the Hudson River.
Meanwhile, in a dark and evil place, a land of suffering and hatred, a meaningless void of chaos and despair, they gathered, to discuss the events that were transpiring. By the way, I'm not referring to the secret meeting place of an evil conspiracy, I'm referring to the GameFAQs message boards.
Bonghitz 1287 proclaimed a problem he noted. "Dude, is it me, or does Snake sound different?"
Literati 42 began to over-analyze things, as usual "You see, I think it's a way of playing on expectations, the hype which has been…"
"I like toast! By the way, is it me or is that a chick in the water?" A misshapen youth, known only as DarkGidora interrupted.
"Stupid fuckin' noob…" Literati muttered under his breath.
"Terrorists blew a whole in a tanker full of crude, barely 20 miles off the shore of Manhattan, your classic nightmare scenario." The Colonel continued, neglecting to mention the MechaGodzilla Metal Gear, or the fact that considering the quality of the Hudson River, an oil spill that would render the entire Manhattan coastline barren of marine life would probably qualify as a mercy killing.
The Colonel continued "Anyhoo, the Government sprang into action, and by sprang into action, I mean Congress spent months arguing about whether a problem actually existed, then another few months debating over how to solve it, then over how much solving the problem would cost, then when they finally got off their asses and voted, some bureaucrat misread the memo and instead of cleaning the oil spill, started a brand new one. Then investigative reporters revealed kickbacks in the contracting to clean up the oil spill, and then New York State lawmakers and the City Counsel demanded that federalism dictate that they share jurisdiction over the first oil spill, but the second one was the federal…"
"Long story short?" Our exasperated hero growled.
"Fine, eventually they opened up the Big Shell, a giant cleanup facility. It's become a symbol of environmental protection…"
"…Dude, after the goddamn politicking, the thing's grand opening was last tuesday! It's not a symbol of anything yet."
"Anyways, the President has been kidnapped by terrorists. Are you a bad enough dude to get him back?"
"Which terrorist group? Cobra? Hydra? The Girl Scouts?"
"No, we haven't been given any messages with annoying shouting of the group's name, so it's not Cobra or Hydra. As for the Girl Scouts, they haven't bounced back from the airstrikes carried out in '08. The terrorists appear to be "Dead Cell", a former group of completely loyal covert US badasses, assisted by Russian mercenaries."
Snake continued to swim towards the Big Shell's oil fence, passing through a conveniently cut hole. "What are the demands?"
"Thirty billion dollars and a pony."
"Wait… due to budget restraints, Big Shell was made for $500. It'd be cheaper if we let them blow it up."
"True… but paperwork'll be a bitch if we let them do it."
"Ah, crap. So, what's the objective?"
"One, infiltrate the facility and rescue the President; and two, kill the fuck out of those terrorists. By the way, the Navy SEALs are also in the Big Shell. You cannot, I repeat, cannot let them know that you're there."
"Um, the SEALs and I are both supposed to save the President, so wouldn't it be…"
"Are you kidding? They're Navy SEALs, and FOXHOUND is Army. There's no way those frogmen can get the credit for this, or else I'll never hear the end of it. Actually, that's gonna be a new objective; your first priority is sabotaging the SEALs."
Snake proceeded to enter the Big Shell, climbing out of an unguarded pool in the bottom of Strut A. "Oh, by the way, Colonel, somebody cut open part of the oil fence. Really helpful too, because I left my wire cutters at home."
"That's not possible. By the way, Snake, we're changing your codename to Raiden, so please stop trying to sound like David Hayter after a few whiskeys."
"But I sound just like him…"
"Dude, your Solid Snake impression is worse than your way Christopher Walken impression"
"Dis gai, he jus' gives me no respect-ah!"
"Okay, you impersonate anyone else, and I'm considering this mission failed. Got it, Raiden?"
Our hero sighed in acknowledgment… "Fine, I'm Raiden. What's next?"
"To walk, move one foot forward, and then the next, alternating between them. To punch, move your fist forward rapidly..."
"I've had VR training for that sort of stuff…"
"If you want to contact me, use the CODEC. Press select to…"
In the land of shadows, many voices arose in protest…
"Dude, we fuckin' played the tanker chapter already. We know how to do that crap!"
Literati put forth another theory "I think it's a metaphor for the fact that the Raiden is a rookie, and therefore…"
"Cram it, nerd!" JerkAz 670 opined. "Raiden sucks. He's so gay! I bought this game to play as Snake, not Gay-den"
"I think it's a clever twist, Hideo Kojima playing with our expectations in way to prove a point." Literati suggested.
BongHitz chimed back in "I don't care how clever it is, I would've like a fuckin' warning..."
"Not now, Gidora!"
Back with the Colonel and Raiden, our hero had a conundrum. "How am I supposed to get out of the basement?"
"Hmm, let's see. Industrial facility, need to move large objects quickly, ya think there might be an elevator?"
"By the way, your suit is the top of the line. Its made out of a technology called "Smart skin", and has all sorts of high tech data collecting thingamajigs."
"Yeah… why is it so tight again?" Our hero asked, wondering why he was wearing quite possibly the most disturbingly tight sneaking suit in the series, and considering some of the other costumes in this series, it's saying a lot.
"I think it looks pretty..." With that, Raiden quickly went back to his mission.
Raiden continued forward, opening a hatch, spotting an unconscious guard. "Dude, there's an KO'd Russian guy..."
"Must be a Gurlukovich trooper. A Russian private army that was involved with the terrorists at Shadow Moses. They're highly trained, and very much equal opportunity employers; blind men, idiots, the boss's daughter, etc. Our intelligence suggests they recently introduced a new 'No hiring insidious cowboys' policy."
Continuing, Raiden heard the sounds of a scuffle. He arrived in the main chamber of Strut A's basement just in time to see yet another knocked out guard, and the cargo elevator raising in the back of the room. A dark haired, bandanna-wearing man rode the lift upwards. "Colonel, there's another intruder…"
"That's not a possibility."
"What? Do you think I stumbled upon Gurlukovich naptime? I saw the dude!"
"Oh… anyways, find the node…"
"Did you say 'nerd'?" And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how a meme is born.
"Just look for a goddamn computer! It'll make your radar work."
"Wait, so you're saying that I need to find a computer to activate my radar?"
"No, computers. You see, for every new place you find, you need to seek out the node, or else you won't have radar."
"Wait, Solid Snake's radar worked without seeking computers."
"It's called 'padding'. Now find the node…"
"Note? I thought you wanted me to find a computer…" At that, the Colonel hung up.
And so, our hero spent twelve minutes looking for a piece of paper with writing on it, before giving up and approaching a nearby computer. Placing his palm against the screen, our hero promptly got himself electrocuted.
"Oh, I forgot to mention this, but yeah, sometimes they do that…" The Colonel said over CODEC. "I bet the jolt shot your ass back, like ten feet. Man, it would've been hilarious to see in person. Anyhoo, I'd like you to meet your data analyst."
"Hi Jack" a lovely female appeared over the CODEC. Naomi had her revenge, Mei Ling had her quotes, Natasha had her ravings, I wonder what weirdness would be attached to Rose over the course of the game…
"Wait, Colonel, what's my girlfriend doing here?"
"I forgot to mention, but remember Cheryl? The FOXHOUND analyst that would've been on this mission? She had an accident. Apparently she walked into a knife. Seventy-one times."
"Colonel, I need my space! Generally, I like to keep my career as a black ops killed and my love life separate…"
"Too bad, the boys at the Pentagon thought it would be, and I quote 'Really fuckin' funny to see how this shakes out', so Rose is staying…"
"Jack, do you know what day tomorrow is?" The hero's girlfriend interrupted the Colonel with the question.
"Um, April 30th… why?"
"Oh, I don't know… maybe there's something special about it…"
"Walpurgis Night? The anniversary of Hitler's suicide? The birthday of the hooker that screwed that one New York State governor?"
"Well, according to Wikipedia, those are all true, but I'm thinking of something else. I won't stop badgering you about it until you can remember…"
"Oh yes, because not only do I have to save the president, stop the terrorists…"
"…and sabotage the SEALs…" The Colonel reminded our hero.
"Yes, and sabotage the SEALs. All that on the plate, and you're pestering me about a day?"
"Yep, call you soon!" Rose said, signing off.
As if on cue, the two unconscious soldiers woke up. Deftly hiding behind a crate, our hero waited for the elevator to come back down. Dodging the soldiers, Raiden walked into the elevator and ascended. So far, the mission had gone pretty good. He predicted that nothing strange or stupid would happen. Clearly, the man was an ass.