Standard Disclaimer: Owned by J.K. Rowling and WB. Rated R. Inspired by a post of Severus Snape Slyth Society Board about Snape teaching Sex Ed.
"Settle down. Mister Jordan, shut your mouth. You know why you're here. I'm here because I drew the shortest straw this year. So let's get started, shall we?
"Let me start of by saying that the information I am about to impart to you will gain you nothing but trouble. You thought my potions midterm was, perhaps, frustrating and humiliating? It has nothing on this - especially for us men. At least with the potions midterm there's a chance, however slim, that you could study harder and get a better grade in my class. With this, the only way to learn is from practice. And from the looks of most of you, that will be hard to come by. Shall we begin?"
Pulls out a diagram.
"I'm sure you all know what this is and how it works. However, I am required to explain it to you. These are the testes. They are generally droopy, unattractive, and contain a full third of your brain. This is the stalk of the penis, and here is the glans at the very tip, where the other two-thirds of your brain is located. Yes, you do indeed think with your genitals. Even Mr. Potter here, star of the school, thinks with his genitals.
"You all know what happens when you stimulate this, right? The expulsion of the potent stuff that may, one day, unfortunately bring about your simpering, dunderheaded offspring that will further contaminate the gene pool? If you don't...there are curtains around your beds for a reason, boys. Do I really need to go into it? Does anyone have any questions? Otherwise, I'm going to move on."
Pulls out another diagram, crosses arms, looks at it for a moment.
"And you thought Deflating Draughts were complicated."
Muffled, uneasy laughter from class.
"You are probably all wondering how to operate this. Most of you will never, ever figure it out. Mr. Longbottom, you will go to bed with a woman, finish your business in about three point five seconds, and she will leave despising you. It's a sad fact.
"Here is the vulva, the inner and outer lips, the entrance to the vaginal canal which most of you will have a very embarrassing time trying to find as your lover sneers at your inadequacy. Here is the uterus. You came out of this, through the vaginal canal, and this is reason enough to have respect for women - I don't know how many of you whimpering ninnies could stand the agony of pushing a watermelon-sized, writhing, shrieking larvae out of an orifice approximately the size of a kiwi. Think of all the pain your mothers went through in labor, and for what? Mr. Longbottom can't even make a simple sleeping draught without melting his cauldron.
"For those of you who are in it for more than giggles, allow me to give you a useful tip..."
Long, intimidating pause.
"Here's the hint: See this? This is very, very important. You want to get into the house, this is the doorbell. The owner of the house is hard of hearing, so the doorbell must be rung quite a number of times in rapid succession before she answers the door. I hope you got that the first time for I'm not going to explain it again.
"These are the fallopian tubes and the ovaries, out of which come tiny eggs that implant themselves once a month in the uterus, waiting to be fertilized. This is usually achieved by either some drunken seventeen-year-old lout on the night of the Yule Ball, or by the man your wife is having an affair with, because God knows she'll rather engage in carnal activities with anyone but you.
"If fertilization doesn't occur, the female goes through a sort of lycanthropy for a few days prior to the body's disposal of the egg. Though their outward appearance may not change, women in this stage are dangerous beasts who are not to be provoked under any circumstances if you've any wish to continue life with your limbs attached. It is best not even to give them a cross look lest your eyes be scratched out. Don't say I didn't warn you. You are best to tell them what they want to hear in every circumstance - they are beautiful, they are goddesses, they are eternally thin and lithe, 'yes dear, let me get you another dish of ice cream.'
"Keep in mind that women are randier than usual at this time of the month. This is when you want them to like you.
"If you're lucky, the egg and the lining of the uterus are disposed of through the monthly bleeding process, known as the period. This is a rather messy affair that is best left for the ladies to attend to, so let's move on.
"Birth control. There are many, many charms for this, all of which can be found in the special books you were given at the beginning of the semester. I will not demonstrate them, we can all be glad for that. As far as charms go I will say that, despite rumors, it is best if both the male and female perform the charms. This is the best way to prevent pregnancy because there is a chance one of you might get it right.
"I won't go into the moral implications of this. Make your own choice.
"Say you are too drunk or excited to properly perform the charms, or perhaps you are sleeping with a Muggle who may wonder why you are holding a wand and muttering to your genitals. There is a back-up plan. It's Muggle thing that you will all hate. It's called a condom. It's a horrible little sheath of rubber that is placed over the penis and prevents not only semen and disease, but most sensation from getting through. You may tell your partner that you don't mind them. You are lying. However, if you have an ounce of sense and you find yourself in such a situation, you will use one. The Wizarding world doesn't have a cure for AIDS either. You can find more information about the rather terrifying effects of venereal diseases in your books.
"Watch who you sleep with, for you are sleeping with everyone that person slept with. Though some of you may like that thought, I personally find it rather unsettling.
"Oral sex...what can I say about that, other than it's tons of fun and I'm not going to demonstrate it? When performing it on a woman, please remember the doorbell analogy.
"Now we come to the final part of this little get-together, which is homosexual intercourse. I can see by the smiles on many of your faces that you've been waiting for this."
The crowd starts looking around at each other.
"That works every time. Now, Mr. Potter, can you tell us how two men might engage in intercourse?
Harry: (blink blink) "Ex-excuse me?"
Snape: "Give it a shot."
Harry: (blushes furiously) "I'd really rather not, sir."
Snape: "Come now. That Granger girl you hang about with knows everything, doesn't she? Hasn't she explained this to you?"
Harry: "I never asked her."
Snape: "Just give it a guess, Mr. Potter."
Harry: "Um...they, uh...hug each other. And kiss. Probably. And then they do...other stuff."
Snape: "Such as?"
Harry is silent, face bright red.
"Ten points from Gryffindor for refusing to answer a simple question. Mr. Potter was right, there is hugging and kissing. And then there are the other things. Such as one man inserting his penis into the other man's anal cavity and thrusting repeatedly. Isn't that delightful, Mr. Potter? I'm sure you're all ready to jump right up and try it. Proper disease prevention charms and/or condom use is recommended for this too. And lubricant. If you are going to sodomize, for the love of God do it safely, Mr. Longbottom.
"We have come to the end of this little lecture, thank goodness. Please read chapters one through ten of your special books for further information because I will not, I repeat, will NOT be answering questions out of class. My involvement in your sex life ends HERE. Understand? You are dismissed.
The class rushes out. Snape sinks into his chair.
"Thank GOD that's over."