Welcome to my newest two-shot.
I'm employing a lot of my own logic into some of this, you'll get what I mean as you're reading it.
Don't You Want Me? will be up next week sometime, maybe sooner.
Some people illustrate their lives with icons, some with pictures. I weave my life with songs that I can relate to or that make me think in a certain way.
It's the same with Jeff, he's all music and pictures, sometimes words, usually punctuated with "man", like it's in the same category as "but" or "and".
As I sit here around the fire in Matt's backyard, Jeff and his friends are playing songs on guitars and singing. I know this isn't "the cleansing", as Matt calls it, and the songs aren't "alternative alternative".
That's how most people think of Jeff. Like he belongs in quotation marks.
"Jeff Hardy?" They say, "He's "abstract", and "artist""
They used to openly mock him, but now they've resigned to doing it behind closed doors.
I have, of course, recognised the song they are playing. "History" by Funeral For A Friend is a song I love with or without Jeff singing, or rather, wailing, the vocals. I wonder if Beth has noticed the way he's staring at me as he sings, which is really very hurtful as the song is practically about rejection.
"And I don't care for your sweet scent or the way you want me more than I want you."
As he sang the words, they suddenly became much clearer to me than ever before. I mouthed them to myself and shook my head; I've gone through periods of time where I couldn't listen to this song because it was too real before.
After all, we all run from reality, even at the best of times.
In reality, I am the ticking time bomb that could tear a brothers bond. I am dating Matt, even though I am practically repulsed by him. It is also true that I am in love with Jeff, and I have been for precisely 8 years, 4 months, 1 week and 3 days. The first time I ever set eyes on him, I was gone. I know he's crazy in love with Beth, even after all these years. Personally, I don't see it, but if it makes him happy then whatever, right?
I am not sleeping with Matt and pretending to love him for shits and giggles. Jeff and I are close, he trusts me. I guess you'll be wanting to know who I am, right? Helena Cassidy. I have no last name, at least I do not wish for it to be known at this time; I presume that most believe Cassidy is my last name. It is infact my middle name, and was my Mother's maiden name before she married some kook and left me. I'm Helena after some dead relative, I forget which. Anyway, everybody calls me Layna and I'm fine with that; Layna Cassidy, the product of a one night stand with a famous wrestler. If we were to be technical about my paternity, I'd be a third generation superstar via my "Father". I've probably met him twice in the last five years, my brother a lot more.
That's not even important. Jeff is important. He cannot be related to the asshole I am dating; one who says words in French to make himself look smart, even when they are incorrectly pronounced, out of context or just plain wrong.
I no longer bother to correct him.
Somebody asked me recently how far a person would go to get the one they want.
You can never know the reches, confines and limitations of another's heart; it will always be a mystery.
When you want somebody so badly, to know the truth of their heart is what you believe you desire; it would solve everything.
For those that think that, it is a good job they cannot read hearts, for they would surely fall to pieces if they saw the full truth.
Often, we settle for second best.
I am not one of those people.
Jeff is the descant soul int he setting sun, with him I can be whatever I want to be. He brings out the best in me.
If I didn't have so much to pull me back, then I don't think I would ever return from my dreams of him.
I don't know who gave him a Lifehouse CD and played him "From Where You Are", but I hate that fucker.
It was probably Matt.
How do I loathe thee? Let me count the ways.
I notice Jeff looking at me when he shouldn't, being able to paint my house when Beth said he couldn't and crashing on Adam's couch with me when he had previously said he wouldn't.
I know he likes me, but this should be the final test.
Matt is going to propose to me in just over a week, I found the ring in a box in his office. He was probably going to give it to Amy, before she made the wisest decision of her life and left him in the dust. Jeff and I are going to Mexico for a few days, so then Matt can get his final evaluation of me from his most trusted source.
For such a smart guy, he can be such a dumb fuck.
Who's daughter is she?
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