Genre: Humour

Rating: G

Author's Notes: Please excuse the mixing of Quenya and Sindarin in this. It was done intentionally.


"And Oromë tamer of beasts would ride too at whiles in the darkness of the unlit forests; as a mighty hunter he came with spear and bow, pursuing to the death the monsters and fell creatures of the kingdom of Melkor, and his white horse Nahar shone like silver in the shadows."

-The Silmarillion, Of the Beginning of Days

Outstanding Debts

Melkor, the Rightful Lord of Arda

1 Throne Circle, 58th Floor (Underground)

Utumno, Northern Arda

To: Manwë Súlimo

Throne Room, Ilmarin

Taniquetil, the Pélori, Valinor

In case of undeliverable address, recipient's residence may also be found by the names:

Oiolossë or Mount Everwhite or Amon Uilos, Aman

Or simply ask for the current whereabouts of the recipient once in Valinor

Dear Manwë,

If the one who is reading this letter is not Manwë, this will self-destruct in the time it takes for him to finish reading this sentence.

I hope you have by now learnt to not give my letters to some poor, hapless Maia. As amusing as your pitiful loss of personnel is to me, I do intend for you to be able to read my letters sometime in the next hundred years. May I suggest a loosening of the security measures in your operation's Shipping and Receiving department?

I also hope that the special courier I sent this time has not been damaged or harassed in any way by your inferior eagles. I now draw your attention to its long, graceful, and flexible neck; its mouthful of teeth with the finest possible enamel coating and sharpened to a lethal point by the best of Angband's craftsmen; its broad and perfectly rider-friendly back, and its thin but strong and aerodynamic wing membranes. If you ever grow envious of this fell beast's successful design, the blueprints are available for purchase, for the mere price of the total kingship of Arda. I took considerable liberties in learning from the physical form of birds (only from their faults, you twit), as well as borrowing a few of those giant birds themselves for my Research and Development sector. You will find the appropriate payments in the bundle attached to this letter, as unfortunately the subjects perished during a particularly challenging investigation. Already I have ordered my workers to harvest a second batch, and I will send you compensation for those, too, as soon as I acquire the funds. All other outstanding debts I have shall be paid for as well.

But back to the matter at hand. It has come to both our attentions that a new customer base has been discovered near Cuiviénen in the east of Middle-earth. To cut a long story short, your corporate peers, one Oromë in particular, have been dabbling shamelessly in my holdings over this newly-discovered population. (If you will remember, this incurable individual has previously caused much damage to my property and my workers, damage that you have yet to repay.) As you are aware, your relocation of your enterprise to Valinor effectively gives me the sole ownership of Middle-earth, and as sole owner I have expressly forbidden your interference in my affairs. The recent actions of your peers, which I hope I am not the first to reveal to you, puts the relationship between us as well as that between our ventures in jeopardy.

Fortunately, I do not see this as unavoidable; to the contrary, I believe that we can find a perfectly sensible compromise. To date, I noticed that you have been more concerned with the kelvar and olvar of Arda, and with its earthen foundations. Therefore, you must agree that it is not unreasonable for me to assert my own dominance over this small population. In fact, quite a few of the aforementioned population have volunteered to work for my Research and Development department, and my company and I currently enjoy a great and respectful position within their society. I simply cannot tolerate it should Utumno Enterprises Unltd.'s reputation be brought to risk by the actions of your company.

Alas, despite my efforts to defend what is mine, I fear that your –shall we say, more reckless partners—will in the end convince you to make corporate war with me over this trifling matter. Hence, I have prepared a special breed of creatures, code named Lawyers, to deal with such a contingency. I hope you will exercise caution in your future actions in Middle-earth.

(In)Sincerely,

Melkor

P.S. You are still such a Daddy's boy.


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