This is just a funny story I wrote for a writing prompt at STEP 2007. We were supposed to pick any villain and any hero from any book or movie, and create the ultimate battle. Three words: Best. Assignment. Ever. This is not to be taken seriously in any way, so please don't inform me of the canonical or logical impossibilities (of which there are many.) Enjoy!
Darth Vader vs. Neo
"So you're telling me that this world is actually an illusion created by…machines?"
"Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying, Mr. Vader," said Neo patiently. "Now if you'll just decide between the red pill and the…"
"But if I'm a dark lord of the Sith here," interrupted Darth Vader, "why would I want to come to this 'real world?'"
"Because you're living a lie," replied Neo passionately. "You're really in a pod somewhere, surrounded by evil tentacle robot things."
"If I'm Darth Vader right now, and I go to this 'real world', would I be Anakin Skywalker there?"
Neo paused. "Uhh…I really don't know what you're talking about."
Darth Vader regarded Neo. "Why are you telling me all this, anyway?"
"So you can help us kick some robot a-"
"Hey, I'm part robot myself!" said Vader angrily.
"Er, sorry, didn't mean to offend…"
"Let's just fight."
Neo stood up. He pulled out a pistol and shot at Vader until the clip was empty, but the Sith Lord stopped all the bullets.
"Hey, I thought I was the only one who could do that!" exclaimed Neo.
"It would appear that you were wrong," replied Vader, producing his lightsaber.
"Morpheus has been seriously holding out on me," muttered Neo. "How many guys here can do that?"
"Hmmm…Including me, three."
"So all that 'You're the One, Neo' stuff is complete bullsht!" Neo shouted. "Dammit!"
He looked around. They were in Darth Vader's private lounge on the Death Star. There was nothing he could use as a weapon…Hey, wait.
"Take this," Neo said, throwing a vending machine at Vader's head.
The Sith Lord simply froze it in midair with the Force, then with a wave of his hand, sent it hurdling back towards Neo. It crashed into him with great…force. Yeah. (Creative word choice FTW.)
"Whoa," groaned Neo. "That's the first time I've been hurt in, like, forever."
Darth Vader loomed over him. "And now you die, Neo." And he swung his lightsaber downwards.
Neo grabbed the lightsaber with his bare hands, then threw it aside.
Vader was quiet for a few seconds. "Well…That was unexpected."
Neo leaped into the air and hit Vader in the face with a spinning kick. The Sith Lord staggered backwards. Neo seized the opportunity and tackled Vader, smashing through a window and hurtling towards the nearby planet of Krynn.
(This was possible because air, after all, is not what Neo's breathing.)
The combatants landed in the wreckage of the destroyed town of Solace. Neo quickly picked up a rotted plank of wood. "Give up yet?"
Vader, who was lying on the ground, wondering where he was, looked up.
"Erm…And you are?"
Vader had lost his memory. "I'm Neo Anderson, the one…or One…who just blasted you through a window. Ring any bells?"
The Sith Lord seemed to consider for a moment. "Ah, Neo. We meet again…for the last time."
Neo rolled his eyes. "I really hope it is."
Vader pulled out a lightsaber.
"I thought you lost that!" said Neo.
"Good Sith Lords always have a spare," replied Vader smugly.
He quickly sliced through Neo's board, and Neo chucked the pieces at Vader's head. He then used the distraction to punch Vader in the face, causing a piece of the Sith Lord's helmet to fly off.
"Hey!" shouted Vader indignantly. "I just got that fixed!"
Meanwhile, the piece of helmet continued to fly through the air until it hit a passing dragon in the eye.
Oww! it screeched in Draconian. Those little…Hey, this means there are survivors! I guess I'd better light the village on fire again.
He flew down and breathed white-hot flames over Solace. The small village quickly became a raging inferno, and both of the combatants caught on fire.
Neo flew into space, and the lack of air put out the flames. Unfortunately, Vader couldn't fly, so he ran frantically towards the nearby lake to douse himself.
When this was done, he looked around, wondering what to do next. There was a nearby sign reading Crystalmir Lake. It was a very pretty sign, but Vader didn't have long to admire it before it was crushed by an impressive (and needlessly dramatic) landing from Neo.
"Where were we?" asked Neo. "Oh, right."
He unexpectedly pulled out a green lightsaber.
"Wha…Where's you get that?" Vader demanded.
"Some little green guy sold it to me," replied Neo indifferently. "Said he didn't need it anymore. Well? Where's yours?"
"Ah yes." Vader fished around in his pocket, then produced his lightsaber. He pressed the button to turn it on.
Vader pressed the button a few more times, to no avail. "It must have short-circuited when I jumped into the water," realized the Sith Lord. "Oh dear."
Neo was about to slice him in half when Vader stopped him with a hand. "If you strike me down, I shall become more powerful than you could ever imagine."
"Dude," said his adversary in disbelief. "I'm Neo. The real Chosen One. I'll always be stronger than you. Faker."
And he sliced Vader in half.
Neo walked away, sheathing his new lightsaber and pulling a sleek black cell phone out of his pocket. He dialed a number.
"Hello, Morpheus? Uh, yeah, he refused. Yeah, it's…it's too bad."
And with that, the One was gone.