Theres a knock on the door, I know its her as shes' due on shift in 5 minutes. God why does dad have to go to the brewery now. Its getting too hard being around her, all I have wanted to do is beg her to try again, to be able to hold her and for her to allow me back in her heart, but the distance is growing all the more between us as the weeks go on.

I cant help but wish that last night together I hadn't pretended to be asleep, that I got passed my fear and told her what I was so afraid to do. No that's a lie, it wasn't that that I feared, but the look of pity in her eyes, the rejection I new would come. I couldn't risk loosing what little we had, I've lost too much as it is, not just Hannah, but also Beth and Noel, not to mention I almost lost Gilly, thank god he came round and forgave me in the end, and for a while I thought I lost my family after Hannahs death as we just seemed to collapse and shut ourselves in our own world of grief.

Beth, god that was a disaster, that should never have happened, it was wrong and I've been paying the price since, everyone looks at me differently, even She sometimes does if I allow myself to admit it. Not to mention that the first real "girlfriend" since Beth turned out to be a fraud, her games made me not trust any one at all, it was just a charade, she was an "undercover" reporter, trying to get a story, made me believe she could accept who I was, and the past, what a joke that was, all she wanted was the inside scoop, she didn't care about me, not like Sarah does, or should I say did?

The irony is, that not facing that fear that night, has made a larger distance between us, she no longer looks me in the eye and asks me if I am ok, I can no longer whisper that I need her, I used to think she realised that after Hannah's death it wasn't for the sex that I wanted to be with her, that I needed her love, her smile, her laughter, her comfort, but looking at the distance between us, I wonder if that's what she believes. To be honest, if she does I only have myself to blame, I know their were times I used her all those years ago when she was 16 and I 19. That seems a lifetime ago now, she is 20, soon to be 21, and here I am a 24 year old still living at home, the leper of the village to some degree, working for mum and dad and alone.

When I open the door, I take her in, occasionally watching her now, when she doesn't know is the only thing I can do now, god that sounds stalkerish, I just miss her so much. I notice shes looking pale, and whilst she still looks beautiful to me, I can tell she seems to be under the weather.

"You OK? You don't look too good"

"Thanks" she replies with a look that could kill

"No, you look as gorgeous as ever, just a bit pale, you coming down with something? Or heavy night last night?" I say jokingly with a leer that she knows I'm only teasing.

"Just feel ill this morning, I think I may have ate something that disagreed with me, I'll be fine in a bit"

Sure enough, after an hour or two she was right as rain, and whilst it was awkward with us initially on shift together, we managed to work side by side professionally and in a comfortable companionship for the first time since THAT night.