it's all your fault,

this mess of my life

we've reached japan and i refuse stubbornly to wash ashura-koi's blood off

i refuse,

because i don't want to forget him

even if what he did hurt

i know he did to save me

so i would be free from this curse,



everybodys got something

your stronger than me

they had to leave behind

internally, and physicly

but i think i'm smarter than you still

one regret from yesterday

if trying to figure out how you of all people could have killed the most important person in my life hadn't fired my brain entirely

that just seems to grow with time

i sigh, sitting on the window sill of the room i had so graciously been given, you were right, Tomoyo was sweet

syaoran had come by to tell me you were awake,

but i didn't want to see you,

i hate you

you forced me to live when so easily, back in tokyo, i could have ended the pain of my existance,

so i hate you

even if it means hating myself for it...

i sigh again

finding i make no sense, i seem to be doing that lately.

theres no use looking back

if i refuse you

will that mean i die?

or wondering

i'd thought it before,

but even when i was still so sure i wanted to die,

simply from the nightmares,

how it could be now

i had never felt this sort of resentment for you...

or might of been

i had never once said vocally my dislike for you

oh, this i know but still

or maybe i'm confused...

my mind says i hate you simply out of logic

you killed my lover, so it hates you

against my hearts better judgement.

i can't find ways to let you go

"fai, open the freakin' door!"

i hear you shout

and instinctivly i go to open it for you, to scold you for being out of bed

when i open the door

i can tell your pissed,

"i was worried sick, you bastard!"

you yell at me

"Do you know how worried i was when i woke up and you weren't there?!"

'yeah, your ticked, i get it' i try to say but my voice is gone

and i can't find it,

so i stare at you

I never had a dream come true

i jump on you

both of us flinging to the floor,

seeing as you were already off balance,

and even my light weight managed to knock you down

i think that frightened me,

'till the day that i found you

you stare up at me with wide, red-wine orbs, and i stare back with the frightened cerulean eyes of a child,

and i know the one i have looks terrorvied

i avert my gaze from yours,

"you have a descion to make..."

i whisper, my voice probably sounds like the wind,

i haven't used it in over 48 hours, so it's probably horse a bit

but it's like listening with deaf ears,

either way,

you immedeantly understand...

even though i pretend that i moved on


you'll always be my baby

"i already decided"

i never found the words to say

you look away slightly

your the one i think about each day

"i won't leave you, a promise is a promise, and i promised if you died it be by my hand, not starvation"

and, i know, no matter where life takes me to...

your eyes turn back to me, filled with a new fire, burning white hot with fire, and i can feel it

a part of me will always be,


with you

"don't call me that, dope."

i smile at you, and for a moment, i can't feel pain or remorse for what has happened only 2 days ago

"ahem..." a nervous sounding voice interupts,

"sorry, but mokona says he senses"

i prop myself up and stand,

"Right!" i say pulling up my mask again, it had fallen hard and hit the ground with such great force i wasn't sure if i'd ever where it again with all the cracks

but now

somewhere in my memory,

those cracks seem perfect,

and i know syaoran doesn't expect me to try to smile,

for anyones sake anymore,

but ashura...

wanted me to smile,

so i'll smile...

i've lost all sense of time


he says my name sadly...

and tomarow can never be,

"Hai?" i tilt my head with a large grin on my face.

and he smiles back realizing what i'm doing,

because yesterday is all that fills my mind

your still laying on the floor like an idiot...

oh, how strange that sounds.

you, an idiot?

i don't think so

gullable maybe,

the thought makes me laugh,

and i can tell syaoran thinks the sudden spontanous laughter is just like me.

theres no use looking back, or wondering

and your on your feet now,

i feel your fist collide with my head,

just lightly, like a joke


i hear you mummble

and i giggle at how like you that is.

and find myself suprized...

how it should be now

at just how free

how real it is,

or might have been

and i can tell you bot notice as well,

and i smile,

for real,

syaoran takes off muttering about,

'i'll leave you alone now! bye!'

oh this i know but still i can't find

i glance at you

you've turned away now

and the air has grown heavy with tension...

and i'm scared of what you might be thinking

of what you might say


my breath hitches suddenly

it's the first itme you've ever said my name.

i think?

the way to let you go...


i respond quietly

half scared

half anxsious

"don't die."

i blink


"i said don't die!"

and you run off without another word,

i think your about as confused as me...

i never had a dream come true

i wonder where you've gone,

and for a moment i realized just how distracted i was

i had even stopped moping...


till the day i found you

i try to find you

but end up lost in the huge hallways of the castle

"he's probably out in the sakura gardens."

i hear a gentle voice

and turn to see tomoyo-hime

"hm? Tomoyo-chan?"

she giggled and ran off

i blinked,


and even thoguh i pretend that i've moved on

"that hime..."

i hear souma mummble,

"the garden is out the north entrance"

she points to a corridor,

"straight that way"

"oh, thanks. Souma-chan"

her eye twitched vaguely at the name

"hey, look, wizard,"

i glance of my shoulder at her


"don't you dare hurt him!"

she growls angrily,

"i didn't intend to, if it was brought to your attention i are very wrong, child"

she blinked taken aback by that one entirely


she called after my back


what in any of the worlds could be wrong with you enough to make someone like souma,


worry about you?

you'll always be my baby


i call, the garden is too large for me to find you all on my own

"shut up, you stupid mage, i'm over here"

i follow your voice

"oh, there you are Kuro-rin, hiding in plain sight are we?"

i never found the words to say

you growl at that comment

and i grin like nothing had happened,

or like everything had happened

your the one i think about each day


you say this so fast and softly

i'm not sure you actually said it.



i back off

cringing slightly at how loud your voice has suddenly become

and i know

"anou, sorry for what, Kuro-boo?"

"for hurting you"

"hurting me?"

"your an idiot..."

you grind your teth together in aggrivation

"i killed ashura, and by doing so, i hurt you"

your averting your gaze

but i can tell the garnet red irises are soft

No matter where life takes me to


"yeah, yeah..."

you start to walk off again

but that fearful feeling is back

and i don't want you to leave me.


i cry,

rushing forward,

only to go tumbling down over a rock.

we go splashing into the pond

a part of me


will always be

"s-sorry, kuro-pon..."

"sigh, it's alright, we have time, lets go dry off..."

i smile lightly,


as you stand

with you...

and offer me your hand


to take...