7Chapter hurr. Lol.
*sigh* Yes, I've got issues. Anyways, onto the story.
Something Real
He finally had what he wanted. He finally could say this relationship he had with her wasn't something fake. Something that wasn't based on lies. It was something real. Something that he hadn't, for a very long time, had at all. This was touchable. It was there, with her of all people, but she was there. With him. Without lies. Without orders from someone that was superior. Without the pressure of having the county's fate on her shoulders.
Then, why didn't he feel any better? Why didn't he feel happy?
He...he had to feel happy. He was being ridiculous. He was happy. With her, he was happy. She was once the love of his life, and she would be again. It would take time, after all she had done, but it would happen. It had to.
He bit his lip and threw his video game controller at the mirror in frustration, shattering both in the process. He looked at his hands, surprised, and glanced at the door. Luckily, his sister or Devon weren't in, because if they were. . .
His train of though was jerked away when his eyes caught sight to the picture of them. Of him and her. Sarah.
He closed his eyes, frustration and pain etched on his face. Why did this have to be so hard with her? Why did they have to always worry so much, looking over their shoulders every time any ounce of weakness had glimmered threw the cracks of their hearts? Why did they have to break each other's hearts, again and again? No matter what she said, he wasn't stupid. He saw the pain there. He knew she saw his.
With Jill it was different. With Jill, there were no job ties with her, and they didn't have to worry about national security (well, not all the time; it really was a job requirement), or a cover, or whether one of them wouldn't function during a mission because of the other. With Jill it was safe, and smart. She knew him and he knew her. Completely. With her, there were no lies. Well, mostly.
Perhaps you could say that he was cruel, when he was using her in such a way. Because, he realized, he was using her. And he felt horrible. No matter what she had done to him, he still felt extremely guilty. Because even though their relationship has less lies (actually, it only had pretty much one) then the other, it's lie outweighed the tiny little insignificant ones the other had.
Because, no matter what he told himself, or anyone, he had gotten over Jill. But he had lied, because he was so damn sick of being so lonely. This life, he never wanted it. Never wished it on anybody either. Because it was filled with lies. But worst of all, it was full of loneliness. This job had always been dolled up in the TV shows, made it seem wonderful. Glamorous. But there was nothing of glamour in watching someone die. Or in almost loosing your life.
There was nothing great about being lonely.
That sounds lonely.
He couldn't disagree with Jill there. It was lonely. And also full of lies. He absolutely hated every time he lied to his sister and Morgan. Or to anyone. But in this job, it was a job requirement. It was necessary. Because if they knew the truth, they could get hurt. Or worst, get killed.
He closed his eyes tightly and winced at the thought.
It was better off that way anyways. That didn't mean he was thrilled about it. But that was the life of an agent. Lies for breakfast, lies for lunch, and lies for dinner, with loneliness for desert.
But why didn't the stupid pain just go away? Why wasn't the hole in his heart closed yet? Why couldn't Jill make him smile just as easily as she had done so many years ago? Why was the pain still there, stubborn to move slightly?
Why couldn't he just be happy?
He growled, and punched the wall. Ouch. Dammit. . .well, at least the wall looked like it had the same amount of damage as his hand had gotten. He winced. His hand was probably broken.
He stared out his window, knowing that Casey was probably listening. He laughed, a dry and dead laugh. He was so fucked up. He was using his ex-girlfriend, who had broken his heart in a million pieces to get over the women (she didn't really qualify as an ex) who had helped him get over her. And worst of all, was that the women he was trying to get over loved him too.
And that was what destroyed him the most. Because she loved him, and he definitively loved her. Jennifer Burton. How hard was it to get her name? And yet, he didn't feel satisfaction. Because she wasn't the one who had told him. An evil, slightly crazy, former cheerleader had made him know. And that had made all the difference in the world.
He realized, that no matter how real (or at least, in the traditional sense) his relationship with Jill was, it wasn't enough. It was a delusion. Because with Sarah, even though it never was was actually remotely real (except for that one date) it had felt a hundred times more real than anything he had with Jill at the moment. But other than that. . .it had always been fake. False. Except for those rare moments, when she had let her guard down. Those where the beautiful moments, the ones he thought of all the time.
He had never thought of himself as a masochist. Then, why did he prefer to be with her, when it only caused pain? It was crazy. It was unbelievable.
It was love.
Author's Note: Hmm, that was...not very uplifting, true. And short (truly sorry). *sigh* At least Jill will be gone soon. Thank goodness for that. (: Anyways, tell me what you think. I didn't think it was good...but eh. Please? :D
Disclaimer: Don't own Chuck.