Okay, to understand any of this you need to have watched the second episode of the 12th season. The bit where Jeremy, James and Richard drive to Reno and Jezza and Richard set off the car alarms while James makes friends in the casino.
Also, I competely do not want to offend anyone! Top Gear just corrupts the mind! I apologise!
Jezza and Hamster in Reno, while Captain Slow Loses Out in a Casino
Richard drew two hands down his face as he watched the two police men on motorbikes interrogate Jeremy about setting off car alarms. He was sitting in the car behind Jeremy's and could see everything through his windscreen.
"Please don't make it worse." Richard whined through the gaps in his fingers. His big brown eyes got larger still as one of the police men yanked opened Jeremy's car door and gestured for him to get out.
"Oh, Jeremy!" The shorter man wailed. Why couldn't he think about what he was saying before he opened that big gob of his? The taller, older man climbed out of the car and faced Richard. He made a face of concern and indicated that Richard should get out of his car too. The younger man complied and opened his door as the other police man approached.
"Look, whatever that big useless lump said I apologise. Americans are not fat and stupid. That's just his opinion, not the whole of the UK's. I like Americans. Honestly, I do." Richard began rambling, trying to ease the tension from situation.
"Hammond." He heard Jeremy whisper his name. "Shut up, Hammond."
"So, you think it is okay to deliberately trigger car alarms?" The police man asked ignoring the younger man's babbling.
"No, no. I think we can quite safely say that it was a silly and idiotic thing to do."
"Oh, you just can't help yourself, can you?" Richard turned angrily to Jeremy who was biting his bottom lip in an attempt to stop laughing.
The two police men glanced at each other.
"I think a trip to the station is in order here. See how funny you think that is."
Richard glared at his friend and then clasped two hands in front of his chest and stepped towards the two burly men.
"Chaps, I don't think that's necessary. We've learned from this. We won't do it again. We are genuinely sorry."
The two police men looked to be reconsidering when Jeremy, helpful as ever, stepped forward.
"Clarkson." Richard warned. He knew that face. It was the face that appeared during The News on Top Gear when Jeremy was getting ready for one of his famous rants.
"Why is it that it takes two steroid injected, below average IQ, spandex covered men to waste everyone's' time over a couple of car alarms when clearly that guy has just eaten six babies and is getting away with it?!" Just at that moment a rather large American man walked past the scene, belly moving from his middle like an extra limb.
"Oh god, you never just said that." Richard groaned and sank back against his car.
"Station." One of the cops grunted.
"And how, pray tell, do you expect to get us there on those ridiculous modes of transport?" Jeremy regarded their motorbikes with utter content.
"Call in a squad car."
"Turn around." The largest man said to Jeremy.
"Oh, I've seen this before…..On the porn channel!" Jeremy squealed. "Police man feels up the suspect while pretending to arrest them. I'm on to you so called cops. And just so you know I am a happily married….." Jeremy's words were muffled into the bonnet of his car as the police man pushed him against it. Quickly and efficiently he flicked handcuffs into place and whirled Jeremy back around.
"Stay there and be quiet."
Richard saw the camera men fleeing away as they realised the situation was getting serious. He was about to follow when a large hand clamped around his slender wrist.
"Okay, we can do this the easy way or the hard way, pocket man."
"Pocket man?!" Richard cried out indignantly. The cop raised his eyebrows and the smaller man took in the well defined biceps and 6'3" frame and then held his wrists out together in front of him.
"Easy way it is."
He was guided by the elbow over to Jeremy and they stood side by side, handcuffs grazing their tender skin.
"I swear Clarkson, if I wasn't in these things I would strangle you."
"You can't blame this on me. You were the one who wanted to go a drive around Reno."
"It was your idea to set the car alarms off!"
"Well I didn't force you to join in, did I?!" Jeremy retorted nudging his co-presenter in the ribs with his elbow.
"Why couldn't you just keep your big mouth shut?!" Richard growled and kicked the older man in the shin.
"Owww, you vicious little hamster!"
"You curly haired clown!"
After a few moments of bickering and kicking the two Top Gear presenters were stunned into silence as a wailing police car came to a halt in front of them.
"Squad car is here. In you go." The police man held the back seat door open for them and just before both made to move into the car Jeremy let out a long sigh.
"I can't believe I am going to say this out loud."
Richard stared at him knowingly.
"We need James May."
Meanwhile Mr James May was losing money in the Reno casino and losing even more patience with his two American friends.
"Where abouts you guys from? Australia?"
James' eye twitched under the strain of not losing his temper. Instead he watched the pictures change on the machine that sat in front of him.
"Australia's such a nice place. Isn't it a nice place, honey?" The blonde lady giggled incessantly to her long haired companion.
"It sure is a nice place. Real nice." There was a pause and James slotted in more money.
"Although I've never been." The man laughed and slapped James on the back heartily. "So what's Australia like then? Is it as nice as they say?"
James exhaled loudly. "Dear god."
"I bet it's nice. Nice and sunny."
"Do you get kangaroos in Australia, dear?" The woman inquired.
"No, Flora. They get kangaroos in England!"
May yanked the handle down in his machine with more strength that what was really necessary. His blood was beginning to boil.
"I hear it's nice in England."
"Real nice. Although, I haven't been to England either!"
"Have you been to England, mister?" The woman asked James. He closed his eyes and wished the two annoying twats would disappear. As he opened his eyes and saw them still hovering over his shoulder he dropped his head in defeat.
"I'm from England."
"Oh my! I bet you see lots of kangaroos!" The woman clapped her hands together excitedly.
"Oh. Do you live in the city then? Maybe the kangaroos are in the country."
"You don't get bloody kangaroos in England! They live in Australia!"
"Oh wow. Honey, he says kangaroos do live in Australia!"
"Australia? I hear it's nice there."
"Yeah, is it as nice as they say it is?!"
James' face had gone a shade of scarlet and he was about to lose his cool when his phone vibrated in his jeans.
He glanced at the screen.
"I never thought I'd say this, but for once Jezza, you've saved me."
He answered his phone.
"May." The voice on the other end was solemn.
"May, Hamster got us into some problems."
"What do you mean I did? It was you. You who…"
James screwed up his face as he heard a high pitched yelp on the other side of the phone.
"What happened to Richard?"
"He had to be disposed of. Anyway. You need to come get us."
"Where are you?"
"Long story. Just come. The producer is going mad. We need you."
"I'll be there as soon as I can."
"Just hurry." Jeremy ended the call.
James blew air out between his lips. What the hell had happened?
"Now I remember! It's not kangaroos you get in England! Its koalas! Do you see lots of koalas where you live?!"
The next few minutes all James could remember was a red mist descending over his eyes and the blood that pumped in his ears.
"Will you quit pacing, Captain Slow will be here."
Richard regarded Jeremy with a death glare and kept up his pacing in their caged jail cell.
"You know we could really escape from here. That cop has just finished a doughnut. That means in ten minutes time he'll leave to go buy another and that'll give us plenty of time to grab the keys."
"Jeremy, shut up."
"I'm serious, Richard. Those bars are spaced apart to hold Americans. To them you're like an anorexic teenager! You can squeeze through and get us out!"
"Not helping! Not helping at all!"
"We need to get out soon anyway. That man is staring at you like you're dinner."
Richard glanced over at to the corner of the caged area and swallowed. He then stalked over to Jeremy and planked himself down furthest away from the drunken, whispering man who shared the jail.
"If you had just kept your mouth…."
"Hammond! If you say that one more time!" Jeremy raged.
Richard crossed his arms over his chest and settled down to sulk.
"That's the last time I drive a car with you!" He pouted moodily.
"Might find that promise a bit hard to keep, mate. You know, since we both work on a car programme!" Jeremy looked smug as his younger friend glowered.
Then suddenly voices could be heard from in the station.
"That'll be May to the rescue!" Jeremy crowed and stood up.
"All I'm saying is that I was provoked. Provoked! If you are going to claim that kangaroos and koalas live in the countryside of England then you need a good slap in my opinion!"
"Oh god, he's blown it." Richard sank his forehead down to his knees.
James was dragged into sight and tugged over to the jail. Then the door was yanked open and he was thrown in, landing ungracefully at Jeremy's feet.
"What did you do?! You incompetent man!" Jeremy whined.
"What did I do? What did you two do to end up in jail?"
Simultaneously Richard and Jeremy pointed at each other and exclaimed.
"It was him!"
"What are we going to do now?" Richard asked his two friends. James climbed to his feet, a curious look on his face.
"Guys, our predicament…Do you think you could class this as factual?"
What did you think? Did you like?