Notification II

Dear readers, I hardly know where to start. It does seem to be that as this year is ending and a new year is around the corner, it is at least a good time to start.

First, I will start with a massively overdue apology for not updating this story or getting back to PMs and posts to my blog for such a long time.

Secondly, I owe you my deepest thanks for remaining subscribed to this story and reaching out to me. For keeping your faith in me. For giving me so much.

Thirdly, now that I am back, you'll want to know and I'll want to tell what happened during so many months of silence.

Very briefly, I ended up with an anxiety disorder which had been building up over years. I reached a point where I could not move backwards, forwards or anywhere at all. I was just stuck and watched what seemed to be everyone charging ahead of me while I remained behind. Comparing my "inner" life with other people's "external" lives did not do me any favours. In addition, my hospital stay in 2014 made me question what I wanted to do with my life and finally made me question just about everything. Finally, I decided I had had enough of being stuck, passive, and feeling, thinking and acting like a victim. I took the initiative and steps to get my messes sorted out and am in a much better place today.

One of the worst things that happened when I had bad anxiety was the toll it took on my writing. However much the author may pour their passion and efforts into their stories, I think a distance to the written material and a life outside one's writing, whether it's a profession or a hobby, is necessary. My anxiety began to spill into my writing, and I got stuck with the plot. One day I wanted a sad ending. The next day it was supposed to be a happy ending. It had to be perfect. The result was that I stopped writing altogether. I had let anxiety swallow that up, too.

Today, I know that "perfect" is one of the most imperfect words around. I know that there are tons of other people who also have anxiety. I know that anxiety disorders are highly treatable. And I knew that I had conquered a large part of my anxiety when my imagination returned and I began to write little snippets, then big ones, and finally a Star Trek Romulan./Human fanfic romance – something rather different from my Snarry stories. And not yet posted!

What will happen to this Snarry fanfic? I will have to read and re-read it all over again. I feel surer about the kind of ending I have in mind. I also see that I started this story in 2008. And I think that is part of the problem, because today, 10 years later, I am such a different person who is willing to take more risks in life instead of hiding in my room like a hermit. There is a world outside. I am even trying to start my own little company. I can tell myself: I tried, and I don't have to wonder later and ask myself: why didn't I try?

It is the same with my writing as that, too, has changed. I certainly hope my bursts of purple prose are done with! Looking back on many an over-passionate passage, I do have to laugh at what escaped my keyboard back then. I digress. This particular Snarry story has accompanied me through many bumps in life as has no other of my fanfics. It seems hard to return to it because it is 10 years old and unfinished. It is hard to complete it because you have been so patient and understanding, and I feel so rusty with this story today and, in contrast, so ready with my fresh Star Trek story. Can I do us all justice if I take up this story again? Will I risk disappointing you? Can I shake off the rust?

Yes, I can. I intend to finish this story. I believe that if one starts something, one should finish it. And for that, I would like to ask you for your help, as I am rusty to my own story. Have you got any plot suggestions? Where do you see this story going?

I still have a long way ahead of me, but I would say that is true for all of us. Life is a journey, and we are forever its students. Your lives have changed, too, and I hope you are all doing well. I will remember 2018 as the year during which my writing came back. It is crazy, yet logical, how one's whole life seems to boil down to just one thing: self-confidence, anxiety's biggest enemy. To all of you I wish that you may always have the strength to battle past self-doubt. Always.

Love,
Steppi