16Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto.
"This is stupid." The four ninja stood in a loose group in the grassy park.
Iruka gave Tsunade a desperate look. "We drew sticks, and you got the short one."
Tsunade threw up her hands in frustration. "I'm technically not even his sensei!" She began to walk away.
"Besides," Iruka continued, "would you rather have one of them do it instead?" He gestured to Kakashi and Jiraiya, who were huddled together over a small book, the title of which read Icha Icha Paradise.
Tsunade turned around, glared forcefully, and stomped away, muttering under her breath.
"So you'll do it?" Iruka called after her.
She waved a hand dismissively in the air. "Yeah, yeah."
"Tsunade-baa-chan, you wanted to see me?" A spikey blond head poked through the doorway.
The Hokage sighed, and waved him in. "Naruto, sit down."
Her tone of voice immediately made him nervous. He plopped down in the chair across the desk from her, cautiously scanning the surrounding area for empty sake bottle, but not soothed when he found none. Tsunade simply didn't just leave her precious sake out in the open.
"You remember last week, when you asked Sakura if she wanted to 'butter a muffin' with you?"
He nodded.
"And then she punched you."
Naruto jumped up. "Sasuke said that it meant 'go out on a date'!"
"Sit down."
He sat.
"So you came and asked us what it meant," Tsunade continued, "and Jiraiya, the stupid toad, told you, quite bluntly, exactly what it meant."
Naruto stayed completely clueless as to where it was heading.
"So you asked, 'What does that mean?'" Tsunade rubbed her temples. "Luckily, I stopped him before he scarred you too heavily." She sighed and leaned forward on her desk. Naruto shifted uncomfortably in his chair.
After a long preparational silence, Tsunade spoke again. "Well, me, Iruka, Kakashi, and Jiraiya have decided to give a special talk."
"Why aren't they here then?" Naruto asked.
"Because they decided it'd be much easier to send me into the lion's den, so they can amuse themselves by watching me get torn to shreds."
Naruto thought it best to keep his mouth shut, for once.
"Anyway. The talk. You know that story, that babies are brought to their parents by a stork? Well it's not true. Babies are conceived in a woman's body, where they grow and eventually are born from."
"How do the babies get there in the first place?"
"See, the boy… injects… his genes into the woman's body."
"Why would he put his jeans in her?"
"No, Naruto, not jeans, genes. G-e-n-e-s."
"Where does it go in?"
"There's a special place on a woman that is sort of like a… like a… tunnel… for it to go through, into the womb, where it meets with an egg. And the egg and the boy's genes come together, and, after nine months, grow into a baby.
"But how does it get in the tunnel?"
"The boy has a… unique thing… that he puts into her… tunnel…"
"But wouldn't that hurt the girl?"
"Only the first time. But usually it's very… enjoyable… for both of them."
"Why would it hurt the first time?"
"Because the girl isn't used to it and it's sort of… an unexpected feeling."
"Oh."
There was a very pregnant pause.
"I still don't understand."
In a flurry of frustration, Tsunade grabbed a book from a drawer in her desk and slammed it down in front of the ignorant blond. Flipping it open, she pointed and said, "That's the tunnel, that's how it goes it, and that's the genes. Understand?"
Naruto's ears grew bright red and he toppled to the ground.
Kakashi jumped in through the window, Jiraiya quickly following, and Iruka walked in through the door.
"Nice," said Kakashi.
"Oh, yeah, and I would've scarred him," scoffed Jiraiya.
"Tsunade…" sighed Iruka.
"Shut up. I'm technically not even his sensei!" She snatched a bottle of sake from under her desk and took a deep swig. When she was finished, she said, "We'll just do another memory block and try again tomorrow. It's your turn, Jiraiya. Try not to make him scream this time."
Ha ha ha. That was hard. So awkward. I'm pretty sure 'preparational' isn't a word… oh well. Got the idea from the Naruto Plot Bunny Orphanage. It was: "Naruto's sensei (in the plural) try to decide who will take on the job of telling him what parents are supposed to tell him" Besides that, I never write M stories. Wow. Anyway, review!
- Red