Well I'm back. For anyone who cares I recently saw the new Star Trek movie. While it was a great movie in and of itself, I could never consider it truely in the Star Trek canon due to... well I wouldn't want to spoil it for anyone would I?
As the title of this chapter states it is almost completely dedicated to bashing Twilight. And for those who want to say "doctor, Twilight isn't a cliche" have you seen how many Tilight/HP crossovers there are? Then have you seen how many of them have EC/HP ships. What the hell is wrong with you people, what little plot Twilight had was based on Eddy boy's infatuation with Bella. And don't get me started with the whole Edward is Cedric thing.
Canon Harry was walking down the hallways to defense against the dark arts. Ever since HK-47 had been assigned to kill Marry Sues and Garry Stus Hogwarts seemed less crowded. Though he did have to admit the mountain of dead bodies piled in the room of requirement was quite high. Gay Edward Cullen jumped out from behind a corner.
"I love you Harry with all my heart, even though I look a lot like Ced…" the vampire then burst into flames as HK-47 hit the vampire with a molten plasma thrower.
"Proud statement: If by indestructible you mean highly flammable, then yes I would agree that you are in fact indestructible." HK-47 stated proudly. (In the event you missed his little opening statement. You know what we all know how he talks, if you see dialogue like that just assume it's from him, or it… wouldn't HK be an it not a him?)
"Uhhh… he never said anything like that." Harry asked as he began to think the droid was becoming insane.
"Reply: Sorry master, they all look the same after a while, I assumed I had met him before."
As if to prove his point, another gay Edward stepped out of nowhere.
"Harry I…" he tried to finish the line his author had given him, only to be burned alive by HK.
"You know what; I'm surprised how well you're handling these stupid fanon creations. If I'd have known we only needed to enlist the help of George Lucas's creations I'd have had Darth Vader help me reduce the competition." Said an Evil Sith Harry to the author (notice the capitalization, it makes him eviler). "It's also a good thing I am a Sith Lord!" He shouted as he drew a red light saber. But in the event his author was a true Star Wars fan, he would have known HK-47 was trained to fight Jedi and Sith. He quickly proceeded to burning the Sith as he had the gay vampires. (Though in all fairness Edward was fairly gay in canon. Seriously you're in your nineties have legions of fan girls and haven't tried to exploit it, good god man at least go for the fan girls over forty if you're picky about age, to which I should say there are some fan girls over forty I'm sure)
"My clients would like to file a charge against HK-47 for only attacking people of homosexual bias in this chapter (yes the Sith was gay, his light saber could turn to pink if he wanted it to)." Said a randomly appearing lawyer. Canon Dumbledore walked right past the scene and HK-47 did not attack him, thus proving he equally hates all meatbags.
"Damn you and your logic author… damn it all to hell." He then whipped out a magical cell phone which worked in the school. "I still get paid." He said before he walked off and disappeared.
All of a sudden canon Edward ran into the tall red homicidal droid. And shouted "Oh no, where is Bella? She's been gone for two seconds; she'll kill herself if I'm not there. Have you seen my girlfriend?" (This Edward is from before they do the whole weird marriage thing.)
"Observation: It would seem as if the author is attempting to bash the Twilight series. Quite frankly it is astonishing that something as disgusting as holding oil filled hands and breathing dead skin cells through one's nostrils could be put in a positive light. It also raises the question of just how anyone could let their life be controlled by an obsessive mate and still be attracted to them. I fail to understand humans at times."
"Well it's ok, I'm human and I barely understand us." Said Harry.
"Hello, where is my girlfriend?" asked a hysterical Edward. "I haven't seen her in two minutes."
"Can't you read minds?" asked Harry.
"Yeah, but I was asking the machine." Edward pointed to HK-47
"Answer: I do believe I have seen ninety six of your girlfriends, sixty of them as your wife, ten of them as witches attending Hogwarts, and the rest are disguised as Hermione for one reason or another."
"You look familiar to me… didn't you play as Cedric in the movie adaptation of the fourth book?" Harry asked.
"No time… have to control Bella's life and go sparkle in the sunshine." He yelled as he raced off.
Meanwhile at the hall of justice (in the event you've all forgotten it was taken over by the Sues off screen in the last chapter)
"Yes I have the real Bella! Now all I have to do is kill Edward and the rest of the Twilight cast as they try and save her in order to become my authors favorite character again." Monologued the head Stu. "And I plan to do it by activating the Halo rings!" he finished.
"Hey chief, it sounds like there's a bad guy giving a monologue in there." Yelled the most kick ass Marine in the universe, Master Sergeant Avery Johnson.
"Chief we can't let him activate the rings! It will kill everything in the galaxy!" Cortana said pointing out the obvious.
"He can't be as bad as the Covenant, at least he knows what the rings do. Plus he's killing Twilight; do you know how many soldiers the UNSC lost in 2386 during The Great Twitard Purge?" master Chief Spartan II John 117 pointed out.
"What the hell is Twilight?" Sergeant Johnson asked as he lit a Sweet Williams Cigar.
"It was a story so horrible that in the twenty fourth century it was deemed that all copies of the book and it sequels were to be burned, and all Twilight fan girls were to be burned to death." Cortana stated matter-of-factly. "It resulted in the death of six hundred thousand, fifty six thousand, nine hundred, and eighty seven deaths for UNSC personnel when they accidentally read parts of the books during The Great Twitard Purge."
"All Spartan IIs have standing orders to destroy anything related to the series on site." The Chief said repeating the one thing he had been ordered since childhood.
"It doesn't matter what happened in your universe, I will be the author's favorite character by destroying Twilight!" the leader of the Sues shouted.
"Aint gonna happen, I wasn't sent out with a bang to let some idiot fire the Halo rings. Also how are you going to fire them? We aint on a Halo or the Ark." Sergeant Johnson pointed out the enemy leader's flaws as he aimed his Spartan Laser.
"Stop pointing out holes in my plan, I make it up as I go along." He replied. "Oh shit red dot, that can't be good." He stated as the laser primed. The enemy leader then jumped out of the way as the laser shot out of the weapon blasting a hole in the wall behind him.
"Damn, I missed Chief."
"No that was Batman's computer!" The enemy leader shouted as he realized that Johnson had indeed destroyed Batman's overly large supercomputer. "That had all my Delta Force files on it. You bastard."
"Chief just snipe him." Cortana ordered. John then whipped out his sniper rifle, and shot at the leader of the Sues. It was the only time he ever missed.
"Hey that's where the remote for the trap door I installed is." The Sue leader said in amazement as he found a remote control under his new couch. He then pushed the button, only to find out that it was the garage door opener. He then ran to the Batmobile and drove away.
"Couldn't we just have stopped him?" Johnson asked.
The trap door then opened to send the heroes to a deep pit.
I always wanted the Chief to kill the cast of Twilight, but it just didn't seem to fit right. That being said Bella is being held in a secret test facility known as area 51, just so the Twilight fans know.
International Police will be updated tomorrow, and I have half of a chapter for Toy Soldiers 2867, but will likely not finish it for a few more months due to my lazyness.
signed the good dr.