AN: There will be no crossover! This will be a pure Naruto-goodness fic, as requested by you, my lovely readers!
AN2: THE FIRST SCENE WITH MINATO IS PURPOSEFULLY MISLEADING! So uh, don't think, "Oh, Minato's a pervert," and not read. XD The truth is revealed bit by bit.
AN3: Because I am retarded, I have made 2 different endings to this chapter. One of which really goes off into happy crack!land on speed. Seriously. Let's just say, while this entire fic is OOC, the second ending is OOC to the 10th power. I've been told it tends towards the, "It's too crack-ish that I have to roll my eyes" spectrum. So uh, you decide which you like better, alright? I will clearly label the endings.
IMPROTANT AN4: Question for readers at bottom!
Now then, enjoy!
By: Falling Right Side-Up
Prompt: In which there is misplaced jealousy
Namikaze Minato-the mighty, the wise, the virtuous and infallible Yellow Flash and now Hokage, representative of all the might and glory of Konoha-was skiving off work and hiding (badly) behind a tree in the village park to spy on a civilian woman.
He ignored the small group of children staring at him from the side, the clump of mud that hit his pristine white coat with a splat, and the muffled giggles of the little culprits scampering off as he stared at the woman sitting on the bench barely two meters away, his gaze focused like a laser beam at her ample bosom.
The blond man waited with bated breath as she slowly reached for the buttons of her blue cheongsam, her slender fingers unfastening them at a pace that was tortuously slow, and he nearly gasped, his hands digging into the tree trunk in anticipation as she began to draw down the loose front flap of her top to expose the swell of her soft breasts-
-before his gaze was suddenly obstructed by a white, flat chest that in no way satisfied his current, particular need.
"Hokage-sama," the decidedly buff and in-no-way soft ANBU greeted, standing solidly in Minato's way. The blond frowned, ignored his loyal assassin and quickly craned his neck to see beyond the muscled figure of the other man, only to have his gaze blocked. Undeterred, Minato whirled around to the other side of the tree trunk and peeked out to resume his watch on the woman - damn it, he was missing the best part!- but once again came to face the armored and completely unsatisfying chest of the ANBU.
Blue eyes finally focused on the nondescript rooster mask and narrowed suspiciously.
"What do you think you're doing?" Minato growled.
"Nothing, Hokage-sama," was the ANBU's prompt, unruffled reply. The blond gave the other man a wary, side-along glance and slowly leaned to the side to watch the woman, only to see the ANBU also slowly-deliberately-take one step to the side to block the blond's view again. The Yondaime bristled, straightening so that he could look at the ANBU eye to eye.
"ANBU. Are you acting against your Hokage?" Minato challenged. The ANBU tilted his head, seemingly unperturbed by his antagonistic leader.
"No, Hokage-sama," the rooster-ANBU replied just as calmly as before.
"Then stop blocking me."
"I'm afraid I can't do that, Hokage-sama. I have orders to bring you back from your lunch-break. And to stop your...activities." Blue eyes narrowed even further.
"Whose orders?" The Yondaime questioned. This time the ANBU actually hesitated before he reluctantly answered.
"My secretary," Minato deadpanned. "My secretary's orders have more authority than mine? The Hokage's?" His voice grew increasingly incredulous.
Minato did not let up his accusing stare.
"...She is quite forceful," the rooster-ANBU finally replied, as if that was explanation enough. And it was. The blond immediately deflated, his lips pursed in a decidedly unmanly pout, which his subordinate dutifully ignored.
"Fine," the Yondaime spat mutinously. The ANBU nodded curtly and disappeared as quickly as he'd come. Minato sent one last longing glance at the woman on the bench, sighing with disappointment when he saw she had already covered herself up and was busy bouncing an infant in her arms as she talked to some other women.
There went my golden opportunity for research, he silently lamented.
"This isn't over," Minato quietly affirmed, his posture straightening with renewed determination. Just a bit more research would fulfill his needs. He couldn't let something as trivial as propriety get in the way. After all, what he was doing was absolutely vital to the well-being of the future. It was for the greater good. Why couldn't Sakuya-san see that?
None of this would have even happened if only the mothers of Konoha had done their duty to inform him of this vital, wondrous event. Forget getting smote by them for the baby-carrier; he'd smite them for this obvious betrayal of confidence, their purposeful exclusion of vital information.
It didn't hurt that it might also relieve the smidgen of faint yellow-green jealousy clawing at his chest. Those soft, white breasts...
Minato humphed and turned away determinedly.
Well, he wouldn't stand for this.
~ oooooOOOOOOOOOOooooo ~
Sakuya stood by the double doors of the Hokage's office with an armful of folders, one foot tapping a rapidly increasing tempo of irritation. Sharp, brown eyes narrowed and darted to the shadowed corner of the reception hall just as the rooster-ANBU emerged, head tilted questioningly at the woman.
"Well?" The secretary questioned tersely, lips pursed, and the rooster-ANBU took a quick half-step back into the shadows in response to her ire. Sakuya huffed and refrained from throwing the load in her arms in a fit of childish temper. She reminded herself that she was an adult, unlike her wayward leader who had the attention span of a half-brained gnat flying into the electric bug zappers hanging from the balcony of the Hokage Tower.
The tokubetsu jounin could honestly say she wasn't missing out on motherhood at all. Having to deal with her Hokage's antics was just like dealing with a child eternally in his terrible twos. He wouldn't wake up or go to sleep when he needed to-"Hokage-sama, you're late! I told you to go to sleep early last night instead of playing 'The Big Bad Ninja!' with your son!"-or eat healthily-"Ramen is not an appropriate substitute for all your nutritional needs, Hokage-sama! Ramen is not appropriate food for Naruto-kun!"-or do his work properly-"Hokage-sama! You can't draw the Fire Daimyo picking his nose on that treatise!"
The man couldn't even keep to his schedule for a day! Instead, Sakuya had to resort to wresting control of the ANBU corps to drag the blond man back. She justified the usurping of the Hokage's authority by reasoning that the man obviously didn't have an iota of self-control and needed others to do it for him.
The rooster-ANBU's cautious, awkward "Ahem," brought Sakuya out of her inner rambling. He quickly stepped back into the shadows, issuing a quiet warning of "He's here," before disappearing completely just as a flash of yellow dispelled the shadows.
"Hokage-sama!" The woman called out, one part in relief and twenty parts in frustration. This seemed to be tone she used most frequently with her leader nowadays, though she did often use her one part incredulous, three parts scandalized, four parts indignant, and twelve parts furious tone, too.
However, Minato walked past Sakuya without so much as a glance or wave in greeting. One hand rubbing his chin, he threw the doors to his office open, eyes focused on some far off place and brows scrunched in intense concentration.
Instead of feeling insulted, however, Sakuya was actually feeling quite relieved. The blond was finally focusing, it seemed, serious and ready to truly work, to aspire to greatness as his lofty position of Hokage required. In fact, as Minato strode to his desk and shuffled through the mounds of paperwork there, pulling out a blank scroll and scribbling furiously with a half-mad gleam in his eyes, the tokubetsu jounin had to blink back tears of pride and joy. This was the man who she had looked up to, who she had sworn her loyalty to-intense, dedicated, and industrious.
Pressing a hand to her chest, where her heart was all aflutter with renewed admiration, Sakuya smiled and walked into the office after her leader with a bounce in her step. "Hokage-sama, it's nice to see you in the office. Did you enjoy your lunch?" She asked cheerily and smiled even wider when all Minato did was scribble on the blank scroll some more.
So dedicated! Was Sakuya's happy thought as she continued to speak, eyes closed in joyous rapture (the kind secretaries felt when their wayward bratty bosses finally acted according to their secretaries' decrees), "I've got all the short-notice paperwork organized by importance on the left side of your desk, the contracts that need to be looked over by next week on your right, and the recent intelligence reports secured in the lower right-hand drawer. And there's full council meeting tomorrow at one, and the dignitaries from Kiri are coming for the trade proposal the day after tomorrow at ten in the morning. Also, the academy has requested your presence for the establishing of new genin squads, and I've already talked to a few parents in regards to establishing a secure daycare, one which Naruto-kun may also safely attend while associating with wholesome peers." Finally, the tokubetsu jounin opened her eyes, only to see the Hokage gone from his desk.
Sakuya frowned and turned around to see Minato still scribbling furiously, though no longer on the scroll-it was on the floor, unfurled, writing seeming to flow straight off its edges, onto the floor and onto the walls in a tangle of nonsensical jutsu calculations and diagrams. Her brows furrowed even further in confusion.
"Hokage-sama? What are you do-" the question died in her throat as the blond's scribbles suddenly came into focus, particularly some rather badly drawn stick figures with large round-
Sakuya gasped, her propriety severely affronted. No! He didn't!
Oh, but Minato did.
Pride and admiration, joyous rapture, and loyalty-all of them fled in the face of the sudden tidal wave of sharp condemning emotions that erupted from deep within her. What happened next was a conniption fit of epic proportions; a beast from hell emerged sounding its presence with the greatest expression of feminine fury since The Day Jiraiya Walked In On Tsunade Doing the Hanky-Panky With Dan.
Sakuya grabbed the nearest object and hurled it at the quailing blond man.
~ oooooOOOOOOOOOOooooo ~
A dog-ANBU swung himself casually through the window into the Hokage's office but froze halfway in, teetering on the edge of the windowsill in shock.
The room looked like a four year old had gone crazy, leaving a trail of scattered papers, fallen cabinets, and colorful ink drawings of stick figures along the walls. The dog-ANBU squinted at them; there were two round circles drawn side by side in the vicinity of the chest on most of the figures-a childish over-representation of what he supposed were meant to be breasts (of the over-large F variety).
And somewhere along the way, the little terror had gotten his hands on a stapler, gunning a trail of metallic projectiles at an invisible opponent who had mad monkey skills, because the glint of fired staples was everywhere - on the floor, in the walls, the ceiling, and the desk and chairs.
At some point, it seemed even the Hokage had gotten caught in the crossfire, if the ripped and charred edge of the familiar flame cloak pinned to his chair by a kunai and staples was any indication.
A sudden rustle from behind the large mahogany desk set the ANBU on guard, tense and wondering if the cause of destruction was, in fact, still there; an evil midget that lingered at the crime scene to observe the mayhem he'd wrought.
His arm rose slowly to reach for the katana strapped to his back, prepared to defend himself and the sanctity of the Hokage's office. A head of mussed brown hair popped up from underneath the desk, and the ANBU sighed, silently scoffing at his unneeded wariness.
"Kakashi?" Rin queried, pulling herself up from the floor with an arm braced on top of the desk. She grimaced and made a disagreeable sound, mournfully surveying her dirtied clothes-splotches of ink from the still wet drawings on the floor and walls had smeared itself onto her lavender skirt.
The ANBU 'hnned' and pulled off the painted dog mask marking his station, revealing questioning mismatched eyes - one a dark cobalt so opaque it was nearly black, and the other a mesmerizing swirl of red and black, a symbol of the unending cycle of creation and destruction. Kakashi ambled his way over to his old teammate, observing the carnage with a dubious but leisurely gaze now that he knew there was no immediate danger.
"What happened?" The silver-haired boy asked, righting overturned cabinets along the wall. He stifled a disgruntled sigh as a pile of paper, having been soaked in a puddle of ink, stuck to his foot with a wet 'shluck'. While balancing on one leg, Kakashi shook the papers off his foot as he secured the drawers of the cabinets.
Rin giggled, thinking of how greatly he resembled his canine summon, Pakkun, a pug with a permanently sullen expression. The ANBU glanced at her, one fine brow quirked inquisitively.
"It looks like a toddler with a temper decided to redecorate," Kakashi noted, bending down to gather more scattered papers. He looked up as Rin choked, red faced with laughter.
"I-I don't think Anezaki-san will appreciate you calling her a t-toddler," the medic-nin managed to reply amidst giggles.
"You mean the Hokage's secretary did all this?" He waved a hand at the carnage, skepticism clear in his voice. Rin breathed in deeply - trying to calm herself - as she wiped stray tears from her eyes.
"Ah, not all by herself. Most of the mess began with Minato-sensei," she answered, indicating the childish drawings with a nod. "Apparently he came back from his lunch-break and started drawing these, uh, stick figures, and Anezaki-san took exception to it." Kakashi stared at Rin incredulously with one dark eye - the one that belonged to him, because Obito's eye still unnerved the girl.
"And what? She tried to staple him down?" He scoffed, shaking his head disbelievingly. There was no way that tight-laced secretary had flown off the handle with the Hokage.
"How did you know?" Rin asked, voice filled with curious awe. Kakashi froze and then slowly turned to her.
"She tried to staple the Hokage down." The Anbu deadpanned and nearly groaned at the medic-nin's answering nod. Well, he thought, it was no wonder the entire room had been stapled; the one with mad monkey skills was the Yellow-Flash, after all. "Where are they now?"
Rin knelt on the floor, rolling up unfurled scrolls. "Somewhere," she answered vaguely. "Minato-sensei ran out claiming that all the mothers in Konoha were working against him but that he'd get even, and Anezaki-san followed him with the industrial staple-gun from the mission request office."
Kakashi's eye drooped, his entire posture slumping with exasperation. He didn't even want to begin considering the amount of damage the village would face at the mercy of his delusional teacher and rabid secretary.
It was a miracle he'd gotten off relatively sane from Minato-sensei's tutelage, but Naruto-kun was at a disadvantage; the little boy would not only grow underneath the blond man's care, but he shared the mad-man's genes as well, which meant he had a predisposition for insanity. Speaking of Naruto-kun...
Kakashi's head snapped up, startling Rin into a tense and wary state - she'd learned during the war to pay attention to the silver-haired boy's sudden movements; his almost supernaturally keen senses often caught things other shinobi missed.
"Where's Naruto-kun?" The young ANBU asked almost airily, though the slight crease between his brows belayed his careless tone. The brunette medic-nin rubbed the purple streak on her left cheek with a finger, eyes darting nervously away. Her noncommittal 'hmmm' had Kakashi's full attention, and he spared her no mercy as he turned his full gaze upon her-his own cobalt-gray eye just as intimidating as the slow, almost threatening swirls of the crimson Sharingan.
"Rin." There was no denying the reproach in his flat tone, and Rin turned reluctantly to face his unnerving stare. Kakashi had always been rather intense, but he'd mellowed out considerably due to Minato-sensei's guidance and Obito's death. Now it seemed that being in the ANBU corps had brought it all back - at least, that's what she liked to believe, but it was more likely that the silver-haired boy had merely become much more efficient over the years at hiding behind a guise of easy-going personableness.
She tried to resist giving into his intimidation, but ended up blurting out a response rapidly. "Well, Minato-sensei was taking care of Naruto-kun before lunch, and then handed him over to Anezaki-san when he went on break, and then she gave him to one of the ANBU guards shortly after, and Jiraiya-san took him when he popped in during the shoot-out, and then he followed Sensei-" Kakashi cut off Rin's rambling with a short slicing motion of his hand, resisting the urge to drag his other hand down his face.
"In other words, Naruto-kun is somewhere in the center of this chaos?"
Rin gave a short choppy nod, cringing.
This was a nightmare. The kid was screwed. No way was he going to develop into a sane person. With Konoha's luck (and abundance in weirdos), Naruto would end up some super-tanker of a shinobi with an obession with orange, porn and ramen, while running around chasing people, screaming about friendship and the power of love. A strange, foreboding chill ran down Kakashi's back at that thought.
The ANBU sighed and turned around to leap out the window, securing his animal mask before he cleared the frame and left a parting admonition to his once teammate.
"Next time, at least keep Naruto-kun out of their grasps when they're acting out their delusions." Then he was gone, leaping across rooftops at a speed that escaped those milling in the streets below him. He had a brain-damaged leader, a psycho woman, and a shameless lecher to find.
~ oooooOOOOOOOOOOooooo ~
Kakashi found that it was actually quite an easy task locating his quarry. If the sparkling trail of staples marking a path of destruction wasn't enough to lead the ANBU to them, the angry female screams, gruff anguished recriminations, and indignant defensive squawking were.
The dog-ANBU paused atop a light pole, a fair distance away from the chaos itself; his teacher, the secretary and the Sannin were colorful, rambunctious small figures bouncing erratically across the rooftops.
*Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta-ta! Click, click, click!* Ah, well, at least the staple gun was running empty now, the silver-haired boy thought in relief. Kakashi watched as the secretary flung the contraption at his sensei's head with extreme prejudice.
"How dare you draw those-those-obscene things on the walls! Come back here, you-YOU!" It seemed even in her blinding fury, Sakuya couldn't bring herself to outright insult her leader.
"Minato! You, retard!" Obviously, Jiraiya had no such scruples.
*Squawk* (Wordless but manly, clearly offended defensive squawking).
Minato-sensei... Kakashi sighed exasperatedly, using one hand to shield his face-even though he was wearing his ANBU mask-from the civilian bystanders that were observing the disgraceful debacle from the streets.
"Kyyaaaa~!" *gurgle* And, of course, Naruto-kun would be enjoying all of this. The infant clapped his hands gleefully from where he was tucked under Jiraiya's arm-the Sannin was currently trying to drop-kick the baby's father.
Minato, predictably, flashed out of the way and stole his son back while he was at it, even taking a moment to exchange nuzzles with the infant as he side-stepped Sakuya's back-handed swing.
"As if the baby carrier wasn't enough! How could you disgrace yourself like this?! Imagine what would happen if people saw their Hokage with br-bre-I can't even say it!" The angrily distraught woman wailed. She paused mid-lunge and turned a teary, fierce glare at Jiraiya. "You! It's all your fault! How could you let him become like this?!"
"Me?! Why is this my fault? You're always blaming me! I didn't let him do anything!" Red-faced with indignation, Jiraiya turned his attention from his student to the secretary. Sakuya seemed to draw herself up, arms crossed, an almost sneer across her face.
"His perverseness! Where else would he get it from?!" She accused shrilly.
"What? I may be a pervert, but his perverseness is on a whole 'nother level! In fact, what he did doesn't deserve to be called perverse! It's deranged! Fucked up!" The Toad Sannin gestured wildly with his hands, voice rising with each derogatory label.
Minato leveled a cautious gaze on his mentor and secretary, gently bouncing Naruto in his arms as he slowly scooched away and crouched down on a rooftop to watch now that he was out of the direct line of fire.
"Well, they say the student always surpasses the master, so if anything, it's still your fault!" There was a frustrated pinch to Sakuya's brows.
"Fine! I told him to surpass me in the art of spying on women! To enjoy their lovely attributes! I didn't know it was possible for him to get vagina-envy and want to turn into a woman!" Jiraiya wailed, hands tugging at his wild hair in anguish. At this, Minato bolted back up.
"I am not trying to turn myself into a woman! And it's not vagina-envy! It's breast-envy!" The blond man retorted peevishly, drawing his secretary's ire. She pointed a commanding finger at him.
"I don't care what you're trying to do, you will cease right now!"
"No!" Minato snapped back mullishly.
"What?" Sakuya growled dangerously.
Still on the light pole, Kakashi had settled on his haunches a while back to quietly observe his elders squabble. He'd been joined by the other ANBUs in the area, too-and some jounins-all of them fascinated at the drama unveiling before them.
To Kakashi, it was like watching a very surreal drama about extreme parenting. It was eerie how well the three seemed to fit their roles. Anezaki-san was the over-bearing, strict mother, Jiraiya-san the lazy, cow-towed father, and Minato-sensei-
"I said 'No!' And you can't make me!"
-the rebellious son. Oh, sensei... the silver-haired shinobi shook his head.
"Did you just talk back to me, young-man?" The secretary's outraged question seemed to boom and darken the skies. Shinobi and civilians alike looked upon their Hokage with pity. Jiraiya made wild gestures-"Abort! Abort! Run for your life!"-behind Sakuya's back at his student. They may have been at odds, but they had to stick together when facing Sakuya's wrath if they wanted to survive.
But Minato merely stared back obstinately, cheeks puffed up in childish defiance. "Yeah. I did," the blond turned his nose up at her, cuddling Naruto possessively to his chest. "What I'm doing is for the good of Konoha. Naru, as the awesome-est baby in the world, will benefit, which means that Konoha will benefit. Don't you see, Sakuya-san? I'm not the one in the wrong! If anything, it's the mothers of Konoha you should be scolding! My logic is irrefutable!"
Unfortunately, it was a well known fact among shinobi that Namikaze Minato was a man of foolishness that went beyond logic or shame for that matter. And this time was no exception.
Sakuya was struck speechless-not by the logic but by the utter stupidity of her leader's statement. She blinked, and then slowly, as if speaking to a brain-damaged child (which she was), said:
"You mean..all of this, the spying on poor defenseless mothers in Konoha while they're breast-feeding their infants...and you making a jutsu to give yourself breasts...is for the good of Konoha? And somehow, this isn't your fault, but the fault of the mothers you were spying on?"
Minato nodded gravely. "You see, I happened to overhear from those traitorous mothers that breast-feeding, even simply cuddling your child to your breasts, fosters a deep, almost instinctual relationship with a child. Without that bond, an infant might not develop into a wholesome, strong person. And my Naru, the awesome-est baby in the world, should have only the best, and if that means me having breasts, that's exactly what I'll do. Because one day, Naru will take my place, and if Naru is healthy, then Konoha will prosper. Therefore: Me with Breasts = Good of Konoha." The blond nodded along with his explanation, feeling incredibly wise. It was all very sensible, after all.
However, most people could only comprehend parts of Minato's crazed reasoning, so in the ensuing silence, everyone's collective thought was:
Breasts? Their Hokage...with man-boobs?
What the fuck?
~ oooooOOOOOOOOOOooooo ~
Ending #1: Official ending.
While everyone else was frozen in shock and Minato was still in his own world, congratulating himself for his brilliant plan, Sakuya and Jiraiya managed to recover cognition with their superior will power-the need to Officiate and Lechery, respectively-and slapped the blond man upside the head in tandem.
Minato 'Oofed!' and Kakashi chose that moment to intervene and gently retrieve Naruto-kun from his sensei's hold, retreating quickly after having done so.
Sakuya grabbed the blond man's ear, ignoring his pained whining. "You mean to tell me that you put all of Konoha through this grief because you were jealous?! I know you love your son, but there are limits!"
"I'm not jealous!" Minato denied hotly, even as he tried to pry his poor ear from his secretary's punishing grasp. "And there's never a limit to loving my precious Naru." He took a moment to make googly eyes at his giggling son, reaching for his father from Kakashi's arms. "Isn't that right, Naru? Daddy loves you, because you're the awesome-est baby in the world! And Daddy is the awesome-est man in the world, yes he-"
-Jiraiya wasted no time clocking his former student across the head with a roar, sending the Yondaime Hokage into unconsciousness. The Toad Sannin flung Minato's limp body over his shoulder and turned to fix a twitching, evil eye upon all the on-lookers.
Then, with Minato still slung over his shoulder, Jiraiya proceeded to do a strange dance with his eyes closed-a couple hip thrusts, a wiggling motion here and there, muscle flexing and a pirouette- (to Kakashi, it looked remarkably like the Toad Sannin's infamous Super-Pervert Dance), and stopped in a pose with his legs spread apart and hand outstretched. His eyes flashed open, one open slightly larger than the other, creating a rather bizarre, deranged visage; then he waved his hand around making 'whoosing' sounds before booming in a loud, commanding voice, "FORGET!" as if he could force the entire incident out of the people's mind.
Jiraiya maintained his pose for a few moments more before nodding, apparently satisfied that he'd succeeding in whatever he'd meant to do, and leapt off the roof, bounding back towards the Hokage Tower with a boisterous laugh. With a glance at Sakuya, Kakashi followed with a squealing Naruto in his arms.
Left alone to deal with the aftermath, Sakuya grimaced and resisted grinding her teeth in frustration. The ANBU and jounins around her began to recover from their shock, a smattering of incredulous murmurs spreading amongst them. The secretary turned her attention upon them, gracing them with a kind, simpering smile; a soft, holy glow seemed to emanate from her, sparkles pratically erupting from her eyes-everyone, even the civilians froze in terror.
"Fufufufufu. My, what a strange day today is," Sakuya spoke softly with a smile, bringing a hand to her mouth demurely. She continued in a cheerful voice, "I came out here because I'd heard there was some strange phenomenon of retrograde amnesia affecting the citizens of this area from 1300 to 1425. It seems something that will never be mentioned again happened during that time, but oh my, unfortunately, there were no witnesses to this event."
Suddenly the sky rumbled behind her and shadows seemed to spring out of nowhere. The sparkles took on a rather dangerous gleam in her eyes, and her soft smile was now sharp and dangerous. "Right?"
A demon. A beast of Hell, was the collective thought of the on-lookers.
When no one refuted her, the threatening aura disappeared, and Sakuya once again laughed-the breathy, delighted laugh of someone who had successful pulled off a master plan and was enormously pleased with oneself. "Now then," she cleared her throat and beamed at the pallid faces of everyone watching. "Off you go now," she cooed, making shooing motions with her hands.
The civilians scurried away and the shinobi wasted no time shunshing away. When she was sure she was truly alone, the woman pat herself on the back for another job well done. Such need for damage control was sadly routine in her position as secretary to Namikaze Minato, but she felt particularly accomplished today.
Even so, Sakuya really wished that her leader would hurry and grow up.
~ oooooOOOOOOOOOOooooo ~
(OMAKE) Ending #2: Ahoy crack on crack, OOC and utter fail.
Taking advantage of everyone's brain death, Minato quickly bid them all adieu and made a get away with his son. Jiraiya spluttered uselessly for a moment before giving chase, Kakashi quickly following.
When Kakashi caught up to the Toad Sannin, it was at Minato-sensei's home. More precisely, Minato-sensei's broken door. The silver-haired shinobi hesitated for a brief second before dashing in at the explosive sounds of a fierce struggle within. The sounds seemed to come from the workroom across from his sensei's bedroom, and he skid to a stop by the entrance-"Sensei!"-only to be smacked in the face by a blue sweater. Hastily pulling it away from his eyes, Kakashi quickly appraised the situation.
Naruto was sitting atop the work table, watching with round blue eyes as Jiraiya confronted his father, the two men at opposite sides of the room.
On the left side of the room, Minato was topless and huddled into himself, shielding his strangely voluminous chest with his arms in a parody of a demure maiden, cheeks suffuse with red. Kakashi's eyes involuntarily zeroed in on his sensei's chest and at the two new additions-tanned, full, round globes of flesh. All of his training as a shinobi lent Kakashi's focus an intensity that could only be described as fascinated ogling.
"Boobs!" Jiraiya's sudden, angry exclamation caused Kakashi to start guiltily-mismatched eyes hurriedly darted away from his sensei's brand new boobs and then latched onto the Toad Sannin when the man roared-"Give them to me!"-with his hands outstretched, opening and closing in a groping fashion as if he could summon Minato's breasts to him from across the room.
Minato squawked in alarm and anger in response. "Sensei! You, pervert!"
"No, you moron! I don't want your boobs like that, I just want for you to not have any boobs! Tear them off and burn them for all I care! Give them to some flat-chested girl, if you must! But no male student of mine is going to parade around with man-boobs!" Jiraiya shouted, incensed, eyes taking on a decidedly feverish gleam of hysteria.
"I can't! You can't make me!" The blond man shouted back, looking remarkably like an assaulted maiden guarding her virtue. Kakashi gaped as the Toad Sannin roared and lunged at Minato from across the room, tackling the squealing man-woman onto the floor.
Kakashi took the dog-mask off, revealing his exasperatedly drooping eyes.
The blond man tried to scramble away, but Jiraiya kept a firm grip on Minato's waist. After much struggle, Minato ended up on his stomach with Jiraiya looming over him, one knee pressed against his bare back. With one hand, the blond covered his newly aquired assets and with the other, frantically slapped away his former teacher's searching hands.
"Nooooo~!" Minato wailed. The older white-haired male grunted and cursed.
"Dammit, Minato! Don't make this harder than it has to be! I'm going to take them from you sooner or later!
"Never!" The man-woman vehemently denied.
Uneasiness and a strange embarrasment began to overtake Kakashi. Oi, oi...this is getting...strange. He thought, a blush of unknown origins spreading across his cheeks. For some reason, the silver-haired shinobi half-expected his teacher to scream "Rape!" at any moment, and a bead of sweat trickled down his forehead as he debated whether he should step in or not.
Luckily, the decision was made for him as Sakuya arrived at the scene and shoved him out of the way. "Namikaze-what?" She stared blankly at Minato and Jiraiya who stared blankly back.
Kakashi fidgeted before blurting out hurriedly, "It's not what it looks like!" in defense of his teacher. He received three confused gazes in response.
"What are you talking about?" Jiraiya frowned. "It's exactly what it looks like." He was only doing his duty and trying to remove those eyesores from his student's chest, after all.
No! No! That's not what it looks like! Kakashi thought frantically. Sakuya quirked an eyebrow.
"Oh really? So it is what it looks like," the secretary questioned airily, and both Minato and Jiraiya nodded. Kakashi, on the other hand, could only cringe at the looming, ominous aura building around the woman.
Suddenly, Sakuya snapped her fingers, and from the shadows, two squads of ANBU emerged and promptly restrained both the Sannin and Hokage.
Minato and Jiraiya's indignant shouts ran atop one another-"I demand you let me go! I'm your elder! God dammit!" and "Treason! TREASON!"-but were silenced with one narrow-eyed glare from Sakuya.
"I've had enough of your foolishness! You will stop now, or so help me, I will make your lives living hell! Do we have an understanding?!" She received frantic nods from both Minato and Jiraiya, and the rest of the ANBU as well. "Good," she replied curtly, inhaling and exhaling slowly.
"For unduly influencing the Hokage with your perversity and attempting to manhandle the Yondaime Hokage's...breasts, Jiraiya, you will be relieved of all missions outside the village for one month (no spying on women for you) and assigned to the task of welcoming the dignitiaries from Kiri and overseeing the council meeting tomorrow," the secretary sentenced her peer without mercy, ignoring his pitiful whimpers. "We do not need another incident named after you, involving hanky-panky." The Toad Sannin squawked.
Naruto-kun took this moment to happily squeal, "Ooooo! Ooob!"
On any other day, Naruto's happy gurgling could have been taken as innocent baby noises, experimenting with the sounds he heard around him. Today, it was merely the damning nail in the coffin.
Sakuya spluttered, scandalized and entirely dismayed. "No, no, Naruto-kun! Don't say that!"
Even Minato looked crestfallen. "Naru, you can't mean that! Your first word is supposed to be 'Tou-chan!' C'mon, say it with me, 'Tou-chan!'"
Jiraiya snickered. "That's my godson, he's already on the path of following the Great Gama-Sennin!"
"Shut it, you!" Sakuya snapped angrily at the giggling pervert. Then she turned to her leader, who was still trying to convince his son to say "Tou-chan." The secretary's face became a splotchy red as she growled.
"I hope you've learned your lesson, Namikaze-san. Do you see what comes of your incorrigible behavior? Your son's first word, 'boob,' of all things. Just in case you haven't learned anything... Hokage-sama. You will remain under the watchful eye of your ANBU forces (my ANBU forces now, actually) for the period of one month, during which you will be prompt, eat properly, and finish your work on time. Your son will be cared for by myself and your students, and the shinobi nursery is well on its way of being set up. So no excuses," Sakuya spoke, completely unruffled by the fact that she had just usurped not only the ANBU forces, but the authority of all administrative relations. She casually dismissed everyone, and watched as an ANBU flung a completely cowed Minato over his shoulder and disappeared.
Jiraiya cackled even as he was dragged away.
Left alone with Kakashi and Naruto, who peered at the woman with enormous, curious blue eyes, Sakuya sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose as she closed her eyes tiredly. "Kakashi-kun, would you please take Naruto-kun to Rin-chan?"
The silver-haired boy nodded once and resecured the dog-mask on his face, gently lifting Naruto into his arms. Kakashi ventured cautiously past Sakuya and into Minato's bedroom to retrieve a blanky for Naruto, and then quickly made his way out back to the Hokage Tower.
Meanwhile, the secretary stretched and pumped her arms, readying herself for another trying day of damage control. While most of the ANBU in Konoha and the jounins, along with several hundred civilians had witnessed the three most respected individuals in the village make complete fools of themselves, she was sure that a few well delivered incentives-threats-would stop any unsavory gossip from reaching the elders.
It was a challenge, but sadly a routine event in her position as secretary to Namikaze Minato. She really wished he would hurry and grow up.
AN: So, how was it? Too much? Gwah, for some reason, it was really hard writing the right balance of crack. Forgive me if I failed. *Wails*
Ending #1 is the OFFICIAL ending as of now. Ending#2 is kind of like an omake (what could have happened). XDDD Realize that I wrote this when I was high on electricity. Ahem. I mean, I was giddy that I'd just gotten electricity and internet back after a two day dry spell. So, excuse my off the wall eccentrisim.
On a side note, I was really tempted to write an Omake: The Real Legacy of the Yondaime, in which 12 years later, Naruto's Sexy No Jutsu is world reknown and a momento of this debacle. Should I?
If any of you readers are interested in writing that Omake, I would be willing to give you a prize! The author of the best omake (assuming anyone even writes one, lol) will have an entire chapter dedicated to whatever crack!prompt they wish to give me.
EDITED: 6/24/2009: AHAHAHA! Author, Evil Genius, took a gander at writing an omake, only this was about a hunter-nin writing a latter to Tsunade asking her to comeback for the sake of their Hokage. ROFL. I'm going to be putting it in the next update so everyone can my amusement.
And I realize that there wasn't as much Naruto in this chapter as the first, but have no fears. Naru-kun makes a devastating come back in the next update.
QUESTION TO THE READERS: What would you like to see in the next chapter?
1.) Minato and Naruto and Diaper Duty (In which shit hits the fan. Literally)
2.) Minato and Naruto and Day Care (In which there is separation anxiety)
3.) Minato and Naruto and a New Friend (In which there is a rival)*In this prompt, you can vote for who will be Naruto's first friend*
Now then, please, please review~! If you liked reading this, I'd really appreciate it if you (the readers) told me you did. And it's even better if you can tell specific things you liked. As a writer, I think your input is important.