I started writing this back in early October for DeviantArt (they didn't have a category for this on here back then D: ) and I almost decided not to post it here – which is almost blasphemy to someone who's been using this site as long as I have – but I finally decided I would, 'cause I haven't updated anything on here in months. As far as I can tell, I was probably the first person to post fanfiction for Superjail on DeviantArt – how crazy is that?

This story may not be as good as some of my Resident Evil fanfiction (a few of them are very well read, so I must be doing something right… And my serious-writer friends worship the way I write scene descriptions for some reason…), but I enjoy working on this to no end and I haven't been able to say that about fanfiction in a long while. The comments on DeviantArt have slowed a little, but I have a fan-following that grows by the week. So even though I'm self-critical about my work, people like something about it.

Also, while I'm thinking about it, the title is from a quote this guy I went to school with said in middle school – originally, I'd planned on calling it "There's No Escape" (from another of my friend's quotes in middle school – maybe I will write a story with that name), but I didn't think that would catch people's attention on DeviantArt, so I did the other one, and people seem to be drawn to it. O_o I have yet to explain what it means, though.

Admiral of My Ass

By Burning Bridges

Chapter One: I Don't Want to Know

Jacknife was quickly pocketing anything that looked valuable from the home he'd broken into. Everything was quiet so he figured it was safe, until there was a shout of 'Yo, asshole'. He turned to see that the owner had returned without warning, and was opening the door to the basement.

He looked around for something to use as a weapon and grabbed the closest thing he could find – the homeowner's pet turtle. He chucked it, laughing when the poor creature nailed the guy right in the head, causing him to fall sideways and splatter his brains all over the kitchen counter.

He hastily continued his work… that is, until there was a low, guttural sound to his left. The basement door was open, and in the doorway stood a great big dog the size of a small horse, most likely a cross between an Afghan Hound and a German Shepherd. Its lips were drawn back into a full snarl, and drool was beginning to pool on the floor. He didn't wait around to see what it would do, he just ran the hell out of that house as fast as he could, the dog following after him.

They ran down the street, dog in hot pursuit of criminal, heading towards the nearby river. Looking back over his should to see how close the dog was, he didn't realize he was about to collide with something.

There had been a young woman standing on the ledge by the river, watching the sun begin to drop farther and farther below it's azimuth and drinking from a bottle of Jamaican unproofed Rum. She was singing absentmindedly, unaware of the commotion behind her.

"I wanna find something I've wanted all along, somewhere I belong - "

And then she got bowled over into the river by none other than Jacknife, who fell in as well. The dog sat on the ledge, watching the scene that followed with interest.

"What's the big idea, fuckface?! Watch where you're fucking going!" she shouted, punching him in the face.

Taken aback, he didn't have enough time to react before she basically started to attack him in the shoulder-deep water. What a bitch!

Rather than fight back, he attempted to back away, but she wouldn't back off. Too absorbed in what was happening to pay attention, they waded into an area where old fishing equipment tended to accumulate. This chick was either totally messed up or drunk, and she wouldn't quit pounding on Jacknife, who was becoming increasingly aware of something tightening around his ankle. She went to take a step towards him and suddenly fell forward, knocking Jacknife into the water.

They splashed around in the water, attempting to gain a foothold, but they were both tangled up in a fishnet, and the more they fought it, the more the net twisted tighter and tighter. Before they knew it, they were tied together in the net, back-to-back, and barely able to keep their heads above water. The girl then passed out cold, and left him on his own, trying to keep from drowning. That's when Jacknife spotted a familiar and, exceedingly unwelcome, guest – Jailbot.

Unable to move, they just sat there as Jailbot grabbed the net and hauled them off.

Considering how many strange lands they passed over, the trip actually didn't take terribly long, though it was nonetheless disturbing. As soon as they passed through the very, VERY weird clouds, Jacknife knew the hell was about to begin all over again. The girl, on the other hand, was still out cold and oblivious to where they were about to find themselves – lucky bitch.

The Warden was sitting in his office, bored out of his mind, and complaining to Jared about it.

"I don't know what it is, Jared," he sighed, "Lately I feel empty, lackluster and morose."

"Perhaps you just need a change of pace," Jared suggested, a bit more concerned with work at the moment, "Now, Warden - "

It was right then that Jailbot came in, carrying an unconscious girl.

"Ooh, who's this?" the Warden asked, suddenly sounding very excited.

Alice entered. "This one was found with a repeat offender that was apprehended earlier. As far as we can tell, she has a clean record."

The Warden observed the girl carefully. She was young, probably late teens-early twenties, with a virtual mane of brunette hair that was still wet from her earlier dip in the river. She was dressed like a punk, wearing tall black boots with straps on them and several studded wristbands of varying colors and materials on each arm up to her elbows. The moment he saw her, he knew he'd like her.

"Any other info about her?" he asked, and Alice handed him some papers.

"What should we do with her?" Alice questioned gruffly.

The Warden smiled in that cheesy way he did when he had a bad plan. "Why, hire her, of course!"

"But, sir, you can't hire just anybody!" Jared said, his tone quickly sounding anxious.

"I'm the Warden, aren't I?" he replied with his usual level of cheerfulness. "You were right; all I needed was a change of pace and this is the perfect thing!"

"That really wasn't what I had in mind, but, at any rate, what if she doesn't want to work here?"

"Then - " the Warden drew out the word, thinking quickly, "We keep her anyway!"

"Err… How do you mean? Like a pet?" Jared asked, one eyebrow raised in a somewhat disturbed expression.

"Sure, why not?"

"Well - " Before he could continue, the girl moaned, raising a hand to her head and looking around groggily.

"Look who's finally awake!" the Warden said happily, and the girl looked at him, blinking repeatedly.

"Um, Willy Wonka?"

"Oh, bless her heart, she's all discombobulated!"

Her expression became more and more wrought with confusion. "Where the hell am I? And why is there a robot holding me?"

"Welcome to Superjail, Valerie," the Warden greeted, reading her name off one paper, and she stared at him.

"You mean as in prison? What am I doing here? Is it because I was going to commit suicide?" she sounded genuinely frightened now.

"Part of it," the Warden responded slyly, then motioned to the papers in his hand. "See these drugs test results? You've tested positive for opiates."

"Uh… How did you do a – never mind," she said, deciding she'd rather not know who did what and when. "It's a false positive. I ate a lot of poppy seeds this morning."

"Any proof? Anyone who can back that up?"

"… No, but - "

His smile widened. "Did you know that your blood alcohol level was several times over the legal limit? Not to mention, you were drinking in public."

"I guess I drank more than I realized… I've had a lot weighing on me for a long time… Broken-hearted and all that…" she murmured more to herself than anyone else. "I just want to go home."

"Oh, we can't let you do that," the Warden said, "I'm willing to make you an offer; you can remain here and work for me, or you can stay as a prisoner. The choice is yours." That was his idea of pitching a job offer?

"You have to be fucking kidding me," she said, noticeably bothered by where this was going.

"I'll make you a deal. You can either stay here where we'll take good care of you," the way he said 'good' would have given Stalin chills, "Or you can try to leave Superjail on your own. But if you choose the latter option, we will do everything in our power to stop your escape. And I mean everything."

She just looked at him wordlessly, seemingly questioning the likelihood that this could be some sort of really bizarre dream.

"I'll give you some time to think it over. Feel free to wander about," he said with his most charming smile.

Jailbot set her down gently, and she stood there for a moment, obviously considering her options and then slowly exiting the office.

"Alice, Jailbot, you know what to do," the Warden said, and they both left a moment after.

"Sir," Jared said, breaking the brief silence, "Why is it so important that we keep her here?"

"She needs someone to look after her, so she doesn't kill herself!" he said overly cheerfully, "Plus, she reminds me of me!"

"I'm not sure I see the similarity, sir."

"A connecting principle, linked to the invisible, almost imperceptible, something inexpressible, science insusceptible," the Warden replied, quoting "Synchronicity" by The Police.

"You just lost me."

Meanwhile, Valerie was looking for any way outside she could find. She really wasn't sure what to do at this point – logically, it seemed pointless to try to slip off without being noticed, but at the same time, her natural instincts were screaming to get a fucking move on already.

"What is it Billy Joel says?" she asked herself aloud, "'Don't wait for answers, just take your chances. Don't ask me why' – well, that's good enough for me."

Much to her surprise, there was a nearby door labeled 'Outside Exit', which seemed rather stupidly unprotected… then again, this place was kind of screwy… but she was going to stay on the cautious side just in case.

She opened the door as carefully as could be, peering around the corner, and then swinging it open. Indeed, it was the outside, and she had a clear view across what appeared to be a meadow leading to a rocky outlet and a beach. She wasn't sure where she was, seeing as the door seemed to be set in the side of a cliff or something. Beyond the meadow was water as far as the eye could see, and behind her rose the rocky side of what appeared to be a mountain of lava rock.

"This is a volcano?" she said.

It looked like she was home free, but there had to be some sort of a catch to this, though… That or the Warden was a complete retard with very little or no foresight.

Gingerly taking a few steps into the dim light of the sinking sun, she looked around, suddenly noticing odd-looking creatures milling around. They appeared to be sheep , but they were acting rather differently than sheep; they were beginning to creep closer to her, almost in a hunting formation…

"I don't like this, this is waaay beyond weird," she said, and a rustle to her right alerted her to the presence of what at first appeared as a normal everyday Ewe – except for the fact it was baring razor-sharp, dagger-like teeth at her.

"Oh holy hell!" she barely squeaked, running as fast as she could towards the water and praying these things couldn't swim.

Surprisingly, the weird creatures didn't pursue, which was, in of itself, troubling. If they wanted to attack, they'd either follow or ambush.

She slowed down, catching her breath. She was only halfway through the meadow and there were patches of tall grass up ahead, which made her nervous, and with good reason.

Just as she went to pass between two of the tall grass patches, what looked almost like an Oryx stepped into her path. At least, it looked like an Oryx in a way.

It was probably close to five feet tall at the shoulder, which, being a little under six feet herself, placed it's head slightly higher than hers. It had the markings of an Oryx, but its body was a little more muscled, almost like a moose. It had a longer than normal face that was almost pointed, and its horns, which should have been long and curved back slightly, were sawed off halfway down. Growing out of its lower jaw were two tusks that were long and pointed back towards the animal's face, serving no apparent purpose. Its mouth was drawn back into a sneer, it's rows of fangs glinting in what light still peered over the horizon. It stepped towards her, making an ungodly sound like a cross between braying and the call of an Elk during mating season.

She did the only thing she could think to – run like hell. Unlike the other things, this freak of nature did give chase. She tried desperately to lose it, running back the way she came and then looping back around, racing toward the water and wishing a boulder would land on this thing.

The shore was coming closer and closer now, and she figured if she could get into the water she might be safe. The tide had started to rush in, so she had less of a ways to run. As soon as her feet made contact with the sand, she became aware that the thing was right behind her, and she knew that it was probably going to follow her anywhere she went.

Then, in a totally unexpected event as soon as she got near the water, an Orca whale came out of the water and snagged the Oryx, dragging it back into the sea.

Valerie staggered back up onto the sand, breathing heavily. "Oh, thank God for that… Never saw that one coming."

She looked around, not seeing anything useful right away until – why was there a rowboat there?

She shrugged to herself. "Well, it's now or never."

She drug the boat down to the water, pushing off and hopping in as it began to float away. Sitting back, she heaved a heavy sigh. "What a hell hole."

Feeling sort of relaxed momentarily, she began to sing. "Devil and the deep blue sea behind me, vanish in the air, you'll never find me…"

Of course, she spoke too soon, because just then Jailbot caught up with her.

There was a sound that was said to have echoed across the complex, reaching the furthest depths of Superjail. "FFFUUUUUUUUUUCCCKKK!"

Poor Valerie. Haha, I love that name, Valerie. I named her after "Valerie" by Steve Winwood, since that's my favorite of his songs. The reason that Val is never physically described (I've done a couple pics of how I imagine her on my DeviantArt, though – . ) and we don't know much about her life is because I wanted the reader to be able to step into her shoes, so to speak. It's also one of my favorite literary devices, but mostly it's so people can relate to her. I do, even though she's more of a bitch than me and I have some personality traits you would not want a hostage to have lol. I've always wondered how other people picture her looking, actually… I should, like, set up and experiment, or something…

I might re-visit that Oryx thing in the future… That was oddly fun to write about…

Hope you enjoyed the chapter! I've got five more to post!