The Knee Of Justice
Knee of Justice FTW!
"Falcon….PAWNCH!" A fist surrounded by a fiery falcon shot out towards the enemy. Ganondorf shielded the punch and grabbed the Captain, choking him with dark glee. Captain Falcon fell to the hard, cold floor of Final Destination. As a competitor in Super Smash Bros Brawl, he was one of the thirty-two contestants out of a possible thirty-five in today's tourney, the remaining fighters either waiting for their turn or training for their next appearances. The first match was between two fighters with incredibly similar moves, Captain Falcon and Ganondorf.
Ganondorf slammed his palm into Falcon's midsection, sending an electric tingle throughout his body and sending him flying towards the edge. Captain Falcon air-dodged and jumped up, narrowly grabbing the hateful ledge. He climbed up with some difficulty and realized he must be over his usual damage limit, and kicked at Ganondorf, connected, and did the Falcon Dive towards Ganondorf. He caught him and proceeded to grab his enemy's ears as he shouted, "YES!" He shot off Ganondorf with an explosion as the seven-foot tall magician flew to the other side. Seeing a chance, Captain Falcon ran to the edge, jumping up and drawing back his fist.
Captain Falcon shot out another flaming fist (PAWNCH) towards the resurrected king of evil, but once again, the surprisingly fast wizard perfect-shielded. But Captain Falcon was ready this time. He spot-dodged as Ganondorf slid past him, falling off the edge of the stage.
Now for the finishing Knee of Justice, the F-zero driver thought, and jumped off the edge. He attempted to knee Ganondorf, smiling as he did so…and missed. And then hit, with little force (much less force than was actually expected), Ganondorf's back. Ganondorf took this chance and recovered to the stage, one millisecond before Falcon, leaving the astonished fighter to fall to his defeat.
"GAME!" shouted Master Hand, hovering over a microphone. As he moved on to announce the next two fighters' match, Captain Falcon caught a glimpse of Ganondorf laughing, evilly as ever. The captain snorted as he teleported himself from the spot to Smash Mansion. Once there, he walked over to Luigi, who similarly had been beaten in the same embarrassing fashion. Only he had been spiked by DK's right foot after a failed attempt to use his "fiery uppercut of doom" as he called it off the edge of Smashville. As the two watched in dull fascination the next match between Marth and Bowser. The two sighed in bored anticipation as Marth easily spiked the heavy reptile. He came hurtling down towards the boundary as Marth gracefully jumped up towards the stage, letting the tip of his Falchion catch the sunlight for the whole audience to see.
Moments later, as Master Hand called "GAME!" again, Bowser appeared with a furious temper, fuming through his nose, as thick tendrils of smoke exited through his nostrils in quick puffs. He barreled his way through to the café where the two were watching the matches, dropping his huge body into a nearby chair.
"I swear, when I get my hands on that girly guy, I'm going to rip his insides out through his anus!" He growled, fuming. "Then I'm going to make sure he's no longer a girly guy but a girl instead!" He slammed his fist on the table, snapping it in half and panting. Captain Falcon looked at Bowser wearily and replied by shaking his head.
"His girlfriend won't let you. For your information, Boozer, Sheeda talked to me about how his lovemaking skills were phenomenal and was eagerly looking forward to it again." Bowser made a face. The idea of Marth doing anybody was disgusting to him. "If you literally turn him into a her, Sheeda is going to send a whole army after you. As well as every Fire Emblem Lord she can contact." The pilot shuddered as he remembered how she spoke.
Some time ago
"His own Falchion made such and impression upon me" she breathed, her eyes dreamy. "I'm always already excited when he comes to visit me. His majestic…beautiful…colossal Falchion frequently visits me in my dreams…mm…" She licked her lips. Then, seeing Marth, she waved to him, delighted. The two ran into each other's welcoming embrace, kissing and feeling each other up. Marth's right hand crept slowly up while his left lowered gradually to places that were surprisingly well-defined and expressed for royal dress. They made mewling sounds, clutching each other and slowly walking, in unison, to the nearest vacant room. Captain Falcon simply stood there the whole time, mouth agape in mixed horror and amazement.
"So anyways, I'm going to go see Dr. Mario because I'm not really feeling well. See ya guys, I'll see you later." Captain Falcon stood up, rolling his neck around. He felt awfully tired even after his first match—which normally left him pumping his fists together with an adrenaline overload. He arched his back, yawned, and walked down the hall towards Dr. Mario's office.
Dr. Mario looked up at the muscular fighter as he sat down. The Dr. sighed and motioned for C. Falcon to sit down. "This is about how nerfed you are, now, isn't it?" Dr. Mario asked. C. Falcon nodded. "Well, let's see how you were nerfed. Low priority is the main thing, as well as the modifications to your spike. Then, worst of all, you lost a lot of impact on your forward aerial." He shook his head. "Looks like you've been moved down to very low tier, Captain. Master Hand really screwed it up this time." Captain Falcon grimaced. He'd been avoiding the truth for too long. It was time to go see Tabuu.
The blue, seemingly nude figure floated in the dark, ever changing background of Subspace. He disappeared and suddenly reappeared right in front of Captain Falcon, who stood patiently in the middle of the platform.
"What do you want, Captain? I want to rule Subspace again but now the fighters just come for target practice or aerial practice or just to see if they can make a trophy out of me. It's so freaking annoying that I'm not a good boss anymore, you know what I mean? Seriously, now I'm only a nude blue dude with butterfly wings that can kill everyone, but now they just dodge. It's soooo annoying. No seriously. You've got to get me, man, I really need to get back at Master Hand. They should make a Master Bait. That would sound wrong, n—" Captain Falcon shook his head and barked, "SHUT UP!" to finally shut the trap of the blue enigma. He could be really annoying with that nonstop mouth of his. The captain thought that was the reason he successfully captured all those areas, or bored the residents to either flee or die.
"Gosh, no need to be such a hard-ass. I mean, seriously, come one man, all I want is a conversation, not trying to rule the world again, why the need to be such an asshole—"
"I said, SHUT UP!" Captain Falcon's voice was more strained now, and veins were bulging in his forehead. Which was, incidentally, obscured by his helmet. "I'll knee you right where it hurts if you don't stop." Then he paused. Wait a minute, he came to practice the Knee. An idea popped up in Captain Falcon's mind.
"Try to get me on your most intense level. Can you do that? COME ON!" he goaded Tabuu, and, for being so silenced twice, Tabuu was pretty angry. He grinned with concealed rage and disappeared, reappearing behind the Captain, and began his aerial spanking. Captain Falcon rolled to behind Tabuu, and kicked his feet.
Tabuu disappeared again, only to reappear at the same spot. He pondered what to do when he received a load of knee…except it wasn't the powerful Knee. It didn't have the capital K, the electrifying shock that Captain Falcon was known for.
Tabuu realized what exactly the Captain came for. He stopped in his tracks, naked blue body and all.
"Is it…the Knee of Justice you want to train?" he asked softly. The F-Zero pilot, now severely disgruntled, nodded and sighed. Tabuu scratched his blue bald head, and thought for a while before answering.
"I think your hitboxes have been diminished severely. As Master Hand turned you all into your Brawl forms, the potential electrifying effect that added knock back to your Knee was severely shrunk…Master Hand screwed up by taking too much from the rich and giving too much to the poor. Although Tiara-Man doesn't seem to be affected all that much despite his sword being shortened and his aerial game being slowed down."
Captain Falcon snorted at this and shook his head grimly. Marth(a) was still high tier, even though he was formerly the best of the best. Even nerfed Marth was a force to be reckoned with.
"He still has his tippers, and with the addition of the footstool, he can spike better than ever. Our good old friend Boozer was spiked today, not by a footstool, but by Marth all the same." Captain Falcon fiddled with his helmet. "And now his Dancing Blade can do a semi-spike on us if he does it correctly, too." Tabuu tilted his head, as if asking how. Captain Falcon continued.
"Once, in a training spar, I was about to jump back onto the ledge of Battlefield when his sword, leaving behind a green streak, hit my head and I fell downwards." Tabuu smiled.
"He's been able to do that since the Melee era. And it was much better than that, you know. Roy could too. Although Roy was cut from the cast and sent back to Pharaoh—"
"—and wait for his next appearance, not that I think he will have one, while Marth got his Falchion shortened." Captain Falcon suddenly remembered Sheeda's words, and could not suppress a giggle. Tabuu glared down at the pilot.
"What's so funny?"
"It's just…I…oh, man, I'm definitely going to have to tell the guys about this."
"What guys? You have brothers? Cousins?...Boyfriends?"
"Hell no, I'm referring to Luigi and Boozer. Anyways, Tabuu, I need reasonable forces that will help me train my Knee. And get rid of Meta Knight. Or Meat Knight, as I call him." Tabuu snorted this time. Captain Falcon stopped laughing and began to rant on the masked swordsman.
"Seriously! He's broken! He keeps on juggling us in the air and once we've been sent into the background, he just vanishes until the remainder of every time match!"
"And Dedede! He is almost as bad! Everyone gets grabbed by him! And last time I saw a match between him and Ike, he inhaled Ike and spat him off the edge for him to fall to his death!" Tabuu rolled his nonexistent eyes (don't ask how).
"—I suggest you take it to the aerial game. Then you won't be raped so hard. Although I wonder how you rape someone when you're both fully clothed. Dry-humping? Groping? But that requires consent of the other unless you're Snake, and—"
"Okay okay, I'll shut up, for my sake. You're going to burst my eardrums with your screams." Tabuu went quiet for a while. Then he brightened, glowing more than ever. "Tell you what, Falcon, just follow my words and you'll be fine…"
One week later
After the tournament (which, as expected, Meta Knight had won, although unexpectedly only after an intense battle with Marth), the Captain was in training with King Dedede, who, for all of his amazing girth, was in one of the higher tiers. Normally, Dedede, or D-Three as he was called, would have smashed such a low-tier character to bits with his infamous chain-grabbing.
But today was a totally different story. Captain Falcon made godly use of his speed and ran circles around the fat penguin, kicking and punching his way through and chipping away at him. Dedede, exhausted and frustrated, began charging his Jet Hammer. This should give me some space, he thought. When the force began eating away at him, he closed his eyes and swung. And before him, he saw no one. Triumphantly, he raised his hammer and grinned evilly.
Then, all at once, this electric shock and force came over his body, gloves and all. He stood, frozen for a second, in wide-eyed shock and horror as his body flew with blinding speed towards the boundary. He stuck his leg out and tried to maneuver back to position, but it was no use. He smashed into a black wall and found himself teleported to the spectator seats. He moaned, shaking his head as he regained his footing, only to see Captain Falcon mock-saluting the spectators with a defiant "Show me your moves!"
King Dedede's face crumpled, and he began to cry. Except instead of crying, he sounded like he was braying at the top of his voice as if he was a donkey. Tears streamed down his face as he realized the humiliation of being beaten by a low-tier character. Ganondorf and Wario stood, pointing at him and barely suppressing laughter.
The humiliated King stood and charged them, swinging his hammer blindly. Ganondorf caught the poor penguin and administered a blue-glowing bolt of magic to the nearly-nonexistent forehead of his victim, who passed out immediately. Wario glanced at him with one eyebrow cocked.
"Why don't you use that all the time?" he asked. Ganondorf only shook his head and said nothing. Of course. It was against the rules, such attacks. Pity. Ganondorf could rise to such high tier if he was able to use it. Then again, even if he were able to use it, it would probably just end up like Jigglypuff's Sing attack. Which was just about useless. Wario grinned wryly. Master Hand sure was paranoid, especially after Tabuu got his way and nearly killed him.