19So here it goes, the second story I post for you guys. I'm not entirely happy with it, but if I keep re-reading it, I'll never post it, just like all of my other drabbles. It's not beta'ed at all.
I just felt like I HAD to write this. There are key moments in the show for Brooke, my very favorite character, and I feel 6x16 provided us with some major insight on her feelings and emotions. I felt moved by her throughout the whole episode.
You can expect this to be introspective and a bit dark, with my usual quota of cynicism. Read, yet remember that even when it doesn't seem like it, I am indeed a Brucas fan. I'll admit I am very intrigued by Brulian, though, and it's providing us with some great Brooke moments. Plus, I love Julian as a character.
This takes place right before Brooke's last scene in 6x16, while she is waiting for Julian and goes on from there. I hope you like it.
Disclaimer: I do not own One Tree Hill or any of its characters. If I did, things would have gone down in a total different way, and we wouldn't be suffering through cheesy storylines.
Looking back on those years, I have to admit I never saw myself quite like that. Sure, I realize that at times I was not the best person I could be, but I at some point I made a deal with myself and let go of that so I could become something more.
That wasn't me. Thinking that the person they describe was me, would be admitting to have lived a lie. I didn't want to be remembered like that. I still don't.
Seeing Missy interpret the things in the book the way she did, was… evidence, evidence that brought out my worst fears and made them real.
I guess they'll never let me live down the old me. I'm always going to be 'that' girl, the brainless slut. It's sad, I'm sad. I've realized that this is what was wrong; this is the reason why I'm not with Lucas anymore. This is why I wasn't enough. The time I spent with him, I was only fooling myself.
So as I wait for Julian, at the diner where he told me he was not 'that guy,' I reminisce. This time I allow myself to walk down memory lane and reexamine those times I thought were the happiest of my life. The days I thought were gone but that have come back to haunt me. I thinking that this is not how I remembered them but Lucas' movie has brought some new perspective on those memories. They were sacred to me and now they are tainted.
Yes, Lucas is not mine right now and yes, he is marrying my best friend and fathering her child, but I've made peace with it. I had to.
I've decided to put that aside and not let it hurt me. I've chosen to keep my memories instead - the good memories. I've chosen to dissociate the person Lucas was from who he is now. Back then he was my Lucas, now he is not. And I've come to terms with that, really. At least I've tried my best to not let it affect me. I have to confess that there are nights in which I let my mind wonder, but I snap myself out of my own thoughts. It's forbidden territory, and I know better than to revisit it.
Yet Lucas has rewritten history and all I can think of while being part of the movie production is an overwhelming feeling of melancholy. It's really hard to explain how I feel; I'm trying to come to terms with it myself.
"Brooke Davis – Gorgeous brunette with an amazing energy and smile. Her three favorite things are sex, sex and sex."
The image of the breakdown flashes through my mind over and over again. And I can't stop it. I can't stop it from sinking me to the very bottom of my own existence. And I reach the lowest low yet. I feel unworthy and dirty.
If my excitement about meeting Missy gave me a glimpse of what people could feel like when meeting me, reading the breakdown just gave me a glimpse of what people thought of me when they met me back then. THAT is how Lucas saw me when he met me: a teenage nymphomaniac . He might have not written the breakdown, but he sure did write the book. And as much as I tried to overlook the light in which I was being portrayed, all it took was for someone outside our circle to see it and point out the obvious. You see, Lucas is really good at redirecting the blame on other people. "I didn't kiss Peyton, she kissed me. "
A feeling of rage overtakes me, just as it did the first time I read that goddamn piece of paper. I can still feel the anger boiling up through my veins and the rush of adrenaline I felt when I confronted him.
"You! How could you write such horrible things about me… you, who called me your pretty girl, and said that I was going to change the world someday, uh!?"
How could I have been such a fool to believe those words, when he only told me what I wanted to hear – when he only wrote those lines in his book to redeem himself and make his story a more worthy journey. He was just taking pity on me and hoped that a few nice words would somehow make me forget the rest of his book, but most importantly, they would lessen the pain he knew it would cause me.
Because it did indeed break me. His book is a constant reminder that I wasn't good enough.
Now that I know this, now that I know this is how people remember me, it all makes sense. All these memories start falling into place. This is not only how Lucas saw me, this is how Peyton saw me. This is the reason why she thought she had more of a claim on Lucas. In her mind, I could replace Lucas with anyone else. But I couldn't.
"High school Brooke did letter and sex"
And that's also how Haley and Nathan saw me. This is how everyone saw me. This is why nobody gave a rat's ass after I broke up with Lucas; the reason why nobody realized that I started withering away when it happened, why everyone was quick to assume I was fine, that it was me just being a 'b*tch.' That's why everyone thought Lucas was much better off with Peyton.
No, I they won't let me live it down. I know Julian tries, but it's there. In his mind, that's who I was. And part of me is holding back because I'm just scared that after all the excitement of this new relationship is gone, he'll realize that he doesn't want to be with me, that I'm not a suitable replacement for Peyton, and he'll drift away from me, just like Lucas did.
But I was so much more than that, so much more than a brainless slut. I know I was. I tried so hard.
The realization that, no matter how much I strived for change, my past determined where I am now hits me like a ton of bricks. I feel heavy and broken - again. How could I have missed it all these years, when it was all right in front of me? Why did I fight a battle I knew I couldn't win? Lucas was NEVER going to stay with someone like me.
Suddenly, I feel a wave of shame take over me. I feel shame for who I used to be, but mostly, I feel shame for believing that people would let go of who I'd been for the sake of who I'd become.
"Girl code was shattered years ago."
Yes it was, and you didn't even give it a second glance back then, Peyton. And now I know why.
God, I feel nauseous. I'm going to break down in any second.
"I wanted you to fight for me. I wanted you to say that there was no one else you could ever be with, and that you'd rather be alone than without me."
He was clearly never going to do that. He never did. And I know now why my wait was in vain. And I feel sorry for myself, I feel lost and I feel hurt. He could have just let me go when it was early enough – he could have let me go before breaking me.
It's taken me so many years to put it all behind me, to overcome the pain and pick up the pieces of my own broken heart. It's taken me years to make myself forget. Because putting it all that heartbreak and all that hurt behind me was the key to being able to look both of them in the eye and carry on. It took all of my strength and then some, but I came through like I always do. Like people always expect me to.
As I am reminiscing about the past and that day in the school parking lot when I begged Lucas to fight for me, Julian sits across from me, his presence breaking the trance- like thoughts I was immersed in.
Julian. I take him in and I feel like I'm about to break all over again. He doesn't say anything at first, he just shows me his yearbook and proceeds to explain to me that he wasn't popular like I was back in high school; that he was a loser by all standards, someone who I wouldn't have given a second glance if I passed him in the halls. I want to tell him how wrong he is, because despite of what people thought of me, I did fall for someone far less popular. And I fell hard, and he broke my heart over and over. I guess I would have preferred to be a mathlete like him, who grew up to be such a smart and confident guy. At least nobody will hold his past against him. I want to remind him that despite my popularity, I still ended up alone.
He pulls up a piece of paper and places it on the table and tells me that this is the Brooke Davis HE is looking for…
Brooke Davis: Gorgeous brunette with an amazing energy and smile.
Funny. Intelligent. Kind-hearted. Strong-headed. Simple. Complicated. Motherly. Childish. Tough. Sensitive. Beautiful. Funny. Way cooler than she was in high school.
I can't stop myself from feeling that he is doing this just to make me feel better. I try to brush the thought off, though, because this is what he does – whenever I so much as hint to the fact that something he is doing is hurting me, he comes through. He shows me he cares; he shows me he is here. He is sweet and sincere, and makes me feel worthy.
So can't do anything else but forgive him. I ask him to make sure Missy knows this – the breakdown of the person I really am.
"I'm going to make sure everyone knows."
And I smile because he knows exactly what I meant with that seemingly simple request. And with that I let him all the way in.
Because he is fighting for me, and the best part is... I didn't even have to ask.