Everybody Ought To Have A Maid

A Fanfic

By

Captain A


Disclaimer: I don't own any of the characters here or the franchises from which they originally come from. I also don't own the song used in this fic. It was written by the great Broadway songwriter Stephen Sondheim, and so therefore this song belongs to both him and the company Music Theatre International, which owns the rights to "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Forum", the musical in which this song is used.


(As with my previous fanfic "Act Naturally", this takes place in that same small theater. After the audience has quieted down and the house lights have dimmed, a spotlight shines onto the stage and Roshi steps into it. He gives a little bow to the audience, and then as the band begins to play, he begins dancing—in the style of old-fashioned Broadway director/choreographer Jerome Robbins.)

Roshi: Everybody ought to have a maid.

Everybody ought to have a working girl,
Everybody ought to have a lurking girl,
To putter around the house.

Everybody ought to have a maid.

(Sanji appears at the opposite end of the stage from Roshi, illuminated by his own spotlight.)

Sanji: Everybody ought to have a maid.

Roshi: Everybody ought to have a menial,
Consistantly congenial
And quieter than a mouse.

(Sanji moves next to Roshi, and the two starting dancing in unison.)

Oh! Oh,
Wouldn't she be delicious,
tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin?
Oh! oh,
Wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out, Sleeping in?
Everybody ought to have a maid!

Sanji: Everybody ought to have a maid.

Roshi: Someone whom you hire when you're short of help,
To offer you the sort of help
You never get from a spouse.
Fluttering up the stairway,
Shuttering up the windows,
Cluttering up the bedroom,
Buttering up the master,
Puttering all around the house!

Oh! Oh,
Wouldn't she be delicious,
tidying up the dishes,
Neat as a pin?
Oh! oh,
Wouldn't she be delightful,
Sweeping out,
Sleeping in?

Everybody ought to have maid!

Sanji: Everybody ought to have a maid.

Roshi: Someone who, when fetching you your slipper, will
Be winsome as a whipporwill
And graceful as a grouse,
Skittering down the hallway,
Flittering through the parlor,
Titering in the pantry,
Littering up the bedroom,

Roshi & Sanji: Puttering all around
The house!

(The music stops, and Roshi and Sanji bow to the audience. No sooner have they done this than the music immediately starts up again, as a puzzled Miroku enters in his own spotlight and approaches the other two.)

Miroku(Inquistively): A maid?

Sanji: A maid.

Roshi: A maid.

All Three: A maid!

(They dance in unison again.)

Everybody ought to have a maid.
Everybody ought to have a serving girl.
A loyal and unswerving girl,
Who's quieter than a mouse.

Miroku: Oh! oh!
Think of her at the dustbin,
'Specially when she's just been traipsing about.
Oh! oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful
Living in . . .

Roshi: Giving out?

All Three: Everybody ought to have a maid.
Daintily collecting bits of paper 'n strings
Appealing in her apron strings,

Roshi: Beguiling in her blouse!

Miroku: Pattering through the attic,

Roshi: Chattering in the cellar,

Sanji: Clattering in the kitchen,

Roshi: Flattering in the bedroom,

All Three: Puttering all around

(They go into an old-fashioned Broadway kick line.)
The house.
The house.
The house.
The house.

(As the music stops, the three men settle down and bow to the audience again. And once again, the music starts up again once they have done this.)

Miroku: A maid?

Sanji: A maid.

Roshi: A maid.

(Jiraya leaps onto the stage, with his own spotlight illuminating him.)

Jiraya(With enormously raunchy enthusiasm): A maid!

(He joins the other three, and once more they all dance in unison.)

All Four: Everybody ought to have a maid.
Someone who's efficient and reliable,
Obedient and pliable,
And quieter than a mouse.

Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be so nimble,
Fiddling with her thimble,
Mending a gown?
Oh! Oh!
Wouldn't she be delightful,

Jiraya: Cleaning up . . .

Roshi: Leaning down!

All Four: Everybody ought to have a maid.
Someone who'll be busy as a bumblebee
And even if you grumble, be
As graceful as a grouse?

Sanji: Wriggling in the anteroom,

Miroku: Jiggling in the living room,

Jiraya: Giggling in the dining room,

Roshi: Wiggling in the other rooms,

All Four: Puttering all around

(Going into the kick line again.)
The house,
The house,
The house,
The house!

(The music stops for good this time as the four perverts bow to the audience one more time and the audience applauds. No sooner has the applause ended, however, than an angry Miss Piggy storms onto the stage. The four men are slightly take aback on seeing her.)

Jiraya: Oh no! It's that crazy pig!

Piggy(Not in the mood for this): So you sleazeballs think that was funny, do you?!

Roshi: Of course we do! It's a musical comedy classic!

Piggy: Classic?! That wasn't "classic"! That was dirty, chauvinistic and just plain stupid!

Sanji: Well, what are you gonna do about it, swine?

Miroku(Mockingly): Maybe she'll she'll give us the swine flu!

(The men all laugh at this, while Piggy seems to get even angrier at hearing this.)

Piggy: Alright, that does it. (She makes a whistling sound by putting her fingers in her mouth and then blowing on them, and Bulma, Nami, Sango, and Tsunade all enter. None of them look particularly happy with the men right now.)

The Men: Uh-Oh.

Piggy: Get 'em, girls!

The Men: LET'S GET OUT OF HERE!

(The men dash out of the theatre as fast as they can.)

Piggy(Pointing after the men): After 'em, girls! And once we're done teaching them a lesson, pizza is on me!

The Ladies: ALL RIGHT!

(The ladies run out of the theatre after the men. Piggy laughs to herself in triumph for a moment before setting off after them. Once she's gone, we pan up to Statler and Waldorf in their box.)

Waldorf: "Everybody ought to have a maid" my foot. You know what everybody really needs?

Statler: What?

Waldorf: Earplugs—to block out dumb numbers like that!

(Piggy pops up behind them.)

Piggy: Finally, something we agree on!

(They all laugh.)


Just in case anyone doesn't already know this, Roshi and Bulma are from the "Dragonball" franchise, Sanji and Nami are from the "One Piece" franchise, Miroku and Sango are from the "Inuyasha" franchise, and Jiraya and Tsunade are from the "Naruto" franchise. Anyone who doesn't know that Miss Piggy, Statler and Waldorf are from the "Muppet Show" family of Muppets probably needs to get out a little more.

And in case in anyone is wondering, NO, I'm NOT a pervert. As a Christian, I strongly disapprove of lechery or chavunism in any form whatsoever. I just like the song. Like Roshi says himself, it's a Broadway musical comedy classic, and what's more it's very catchy as well. I'm also a fan of Stephen Sondheim and his work, so naturally I would want to do a songfic of at least ONE of his songs on this site.

Expect an update of one of my other fics later this weekend.

Until then, G'NIGHT EVERYBODY!