9Author Note: I'm back fairly quickly, eh? I have to say, I really love writing in Rain's POV. It's very chaotic and slightly repetitive, but it gets the point across. It really shows her emotions too. The poor girl is so confused, and her thoughts are so chaotic, it's a mess. And that's the way this chapter kind of came out, but it's meant to be that way. Now to thank my lovely reviewers! First off, dracolover18, I do not hate you. The two of us need to talk, but not through review and author note. We ended on a bad note, and it's entirely my fault. Next, jayhawkerforlife, you asked, and I delivered, here's the next chapter! And finally, I-Breached-UR-Security. Yes, high school can be a little rough, but I'm definitely going to try to update much faster. I don't know if all my updates will be as fast as this one, but who know? Maybe they will be. Thank you, all three of you, for your wonderful reviews and compliments! Much love to you all.
Disclaimer: Code: Lyoko does not belong to me. It never has and never will. Rain, however, is mine.
Learning to Live:: Chapter Two: Hating Myself
My heart ached as I watched him walk out of the room, completely heartbroken. I answered the rest of the doctor's questions as if nothing was bothering me, but that was far from the truth. As soon as she left, I wrapped my arms around myself, and let my tears fall. What a load of BS I had just fed the doctor. As if I could forget. For years all I'd wanted to do was forget.
I had just lied to the person who meant the most to me, in order to try to protect him. If he believed I didn't know who he was, maybe he could let me go. Maybe he could find someone who was better for him, who wouldn't cause him this kind of pain. I didn't know how long I could keep up this act… it hurt me, probably just as much as it hurt him. But it was for the best.
I ran my hand over the scars I had given myself, as grief overwhelmed me. I would be the keeper of this knowledge, and it would only be me. No one would have to know my inner suffering, or how much I knew about XANA and the group. I could surely befriend them again, but I didn't know if I could risk it. How long could I last pretending?
I brushed my brunette hair from my eyes, running my fingers through the mess that had accumulated from my stay in the hospital. I sighed, swung my legs over the side of the bed, and stared at the wall. How had it come to this?
I lay myself back down, and breathed deeply to calm myself down. This was a new start. I could act happier, and be "myself." Or as close to myself as I could be while pretending... I needed to stop thinking.
Through out the rest of the night, nurses and doctors came to check on me periodically. I lied convincingly when asked about my memory, and they all believed me. By that afternoon, they decided that the best path was to put me in physical therapy to re-strengthen my legs, since they had not been used in about two months.
All the doctors were amazed at how fast I seemed to snap back. Though I slept a lot, which worried them, I did not show any signs of relapse. I didn't get many visitors, and part of me hurt, know that it was my own fault things were like this.
For a long time, that was my schedule: sleeping, physical therapy, doctor visits, eating, and sleeping some more. They also put me in counseling for my suicide attempt, though I had "no recollection" of it. I slept so much so that I didn't have to face reality, but soon an event happened that would free me from the hospital. I was well enough to be released. I could walk on my own, I showed no signs of relapse, and there seemed to be no damage to me besides the scars.
So, after my long stay in the hospital, I was going to be on my way back to Kadic, back to the life that I was supposed to have no recognition of. I dreaded the very thought of it, but I didn't let anyone ever noticed, because that would be suspicious.
"A girl named Yumi Ishiyama will be here to escort you back to Kadic.[1]" I was informed the day I was being discharged. The dread of going back grew, but I smiled regardless.
"It shall be nice to meet one of my classmates." I replied in a light, playful tone. The nurse gave me a smile, as she checked my vitals for one of the last times.
"I'm sure you'll make wonderful friends again." She said positively as she wrote on her chart. "And Yumi can be the first of them! She'll be here soon."
"I'm sure it will be a pleasure to meet her." Of course it would be a pleasure… and a torment at the same time. Yumi was the one who helped me when I first got together with Odd. Heck, she helped me through a lot more than that. She had been a great friend to me. What would she think if she found out I was faking it? Would she think I thought so little of our friendship that I was willing to throw it all away?
As I worked myself closer to a panic attack, a knock sounded at the door. Yumi stood in the doorway looking slightly awkward, and I fought the urge to throw myself into her arms and cry. I bit my lip, in what I hoped looked like a nervous way, and she offered me a smile. Her onyx hair fell slightly in front of one eye as she walked closer, but she made no move to place it behind her ear. Instead, she held her hand out warmly, before she spoke. "Hello, Rain. I'm Yumi. I'm here to take you back to Kadic."
"Hello Yumi. It's a great pleasure to meet you. Were the two of us friends before?"
"You could say that." She replied unsurely.
"I'm sorry that I have no memories." I said, forcing the words from my mouth. I knew if anyone would find out I was faking, that it would be Yumi, not only because she might be able to tell, but because I might come clean in front of her. If I could push her away now, it would probably be a good idea. The problem was, I didn't know if I could.
"Yeah…" I could hear the pain in her voice, though she tried to hide it. She forced a smile, and I grabbed onto her hand, giving it a shake before letting her help me from the bed.
"Could we be friends again?" I stood without a problem, as we made our way towards the door. She seemed taken aback by my question, almost as much as I was by it coming from my mouth. It was not what I had planned at all.
"Of course. If you like to be." She offered a smile. I gave her one in return. Her eyes looked brighter as I returned the smile, and I figured it was due to the fact that I rarely smiled so widely back then.
I was all checked out and ready to go, according to the nurses, so Yumi led me out to her car, opening the door for me. I slid in as she went around. Soon we were both buckled in and on the road. An awkward silence hung about us, and I was the one to break it.
"Who is Odd?" I asked quietly. "When I woke up, he was there. Who was he to me?"
"Odd… was just a friend… a very good friend of yours. You cared very much for him, and he did the same for you." Yumi lied, as if she had practice it.
"Oh…" I said, like I was thinking it over. "Maybe I can be friends with him again too."
The words just kept coming out. I was appalled at myself. I couldn't see myself lasting long when it came to pretending I didn't know them. It was hard enough with Yumi and Odd, but add in Jeremie, Aelita, Ulrich, and Sissi, and I wasn't sure how long I could last. At least I knew I was a singer, but… how could I deny my love for Odd, and my bond with the others? This was really going to be the death of me.
"Who were some of my other friends?"
"Let's see... Jeremie, Aelita, Ulrich and Sissi. You'll get to meet them when we get back. Jeremie is the youngest in the group, and also one of the smartest. Aelita is Jeremie's girlfriend, and a real sweetheart. Ulrich is my boyfriend, and he's the mysterious, silent type, in his own way. He has a bigger heart than he lets on. Odd is, well, the oddball of the group. He's a little eccentric, but he's extremely caring. Sissi is the principal's daughter, and she used to be somewhat of an annoyance to us, because she didn't think she could be a friend to us. Excluding Sissi, we used to have movie nights at my house, almost weekly. You and Aelita would stay the night at my house afterwards."
"It sounds like we were really good friends... I'm truly sorry I don't remember." Maybe... if I say something enough times... after a while, maybe I'll start to believe it myself.
"Yeah... it really is a shame." She said softly, as she pulled into the parking lot. "And a warning, I think the group is going to have a welcoming back party for you." She efficiently changed the subject.
"Well, that's one way for me to meet them." I chuckled. I could continue to act, if I really put my mind to it. At least, I hoped I could. God, I was becoming a broken record...
"You'll like them." She gave a bright smile, even though I could tell it was slightly forced. I could understand. I'm sure she felt like she lost a friend. She opened her door, and I followed her example.
"I'm sure I will, if they're anything like you." I didn't want to see her so down. It was probably the reason that I had agreed to be her friend again. I didn't want to see them hurt because of me, just like I had wanted to eliminate myself to keep them safe. I was a martyr in my own way.
"So you really don't remember anything after you first got to Kadic?" There was hope in Yumi's voice, and it broke my heart that much more. We started walking towards the building, where she was going to show me to my dorm room.
"No... like I said, I'm really sorry."
"Maybe one day you'll regain your memories..."
"Maybe..." I replied. We were through the doors and to my dorm room shortly after. She handed me my key, and I unlocked the door to reveal my room. As I saw it, a wave of nostalgia washed over me. It was completely clean by now, no signs of blood that should have stained it. It was like it was the first day at Kadic all over again. My hands ran over the wall, as I saw all my stuff was neatly organized and placed on my bed for me to arrange. Yumi closed the door as she followed me inside.
Life had gone on, as if I was never gone, just as I knew it would. It had to. The world didn't stop turning because one person was missing. I was sure that the others had gotten used to me not being around.
"Was it hard?" I asked quietly, in a reserved voice.
"Was what hard?" she was perplexed.
"Seeing me hospitalized, living with my desk empty, not knowing if I'd wake up. It must have been difficult. I hear it was my own choice, but I don't know why I'd do that to anyone."
"You did it to protect someone dear to you. It was the only way you knew to deal with it. And of course it was hard. You were one of my best friends. I don't know what I would have done if you'd have died. It was hard enough seeing you while you were in the hospital. You might as well have been dead by the way you looked. It was heartbreaking."
A knock sounded at the door, and I walked over to answer it, letting Yumi's answer sink in to be stored to be thought about later. I opened the door to see the familiar faces of Jeremie and Aelita. I offered a grin. Aelita gave a huge smile, and Jeremie gave a small one in return.
"I'm guessing I knew you two before the accident?" I asked, stepping back to let them in.
"Yes, I'm Aelita and this is Jeremie. We heard you were coming back, and since we saw Yumi's car, we assumed you were back. You're looking well."
"So what Odd said was true. You have lost your memories." Jeremie said once Aelita finished.
"I'm sorry." I apologized, looking ashamed at myself. "If I could remember, I would."
The more I lied, the more I started to hate myself. I was going to have to tell someone soon, or I was going to commit suicide, and succeed this time. It was then I finally allowed myself the thought of telling one person, and I knew who that person would be. I didn't know when I'd see her next, but I was sure my counselor could help me.
Now that I was allowing myself to tell someone I felt I could keep this act up for as long as I needed to… maybe.
"It's not your fault. It's not like you chose to forget or anything." Aelita said gently. If only she knew.
"When will I get to meet the others? Odd, Ulrich, and Sissi were my friends, right?" I asked. In all honesty, I really wanted to see Odd again. He was my sunshine, and I had missed that sunshine for around three months. Even if he thought I didn't remember him, that didn't mean I had to stay away from him.
"Well, we could all meet up at Yumi's house, and you can meet them then. If that's okay with Yumi, that is." Jeremie replied, looking to Yumi for affirmation.
"Of course that's fine. You know my parents love you guys." Yumi smiled fondly.
"Great, I'll call the others, and then we can all go over." Aelita gushed. "I can't wait for you to meet them. You'll probably really connect with Odd. It'll be nice for us all to be together again."
"I'm sure it will be wonderful." I grinned from ear to ear.
Aelita stepped out and made her phone call, and Jeremie and Yumi chatted quietly among themselves until she got back. She told us that they were on their way to her house already, so the four of us went to Yumi's car and piled in.
The car ride was quick, and soon we were all standing in Yumi's living room with the other three. Introductions were quick, but not in an awkward way. Sissi gave me a hug even though she knew I didn't remember her.
"So, now that we're all here, what should we do?" Yumi asked.
"How about watch a movie, like the old days?" Ulrich suggested.
"Sounds like a plan. How about we watch something sort of lighthearted... like Spirited Away?" Yumi suggested.
"That's a great choice." Odd replied in a chipper tone, despite the half smile he gave.
"Oh really?" I challenged lightheartedly, just to see what he'd say.
"Yeah really. If you disagree I might just have to tickle you till you agree." His eyes lit up a little more. He walked closer to me, so that he could easily attack if I persisted.
"No way." I teased some more, waiting to see if he'd follow through. I wanted to see his joking side once more.
"Way." He lunged forward and all but tackled me to the couch. He wasn't kidding when he said he'd tickle me. I would have thought he wouldn't, considering I "didn't remember" him, but I couldn't find it in myself to care as I started laughing.
"Okay, okay!" I said when I was nearly breathless. "I give in, you win, you win!"
The others just stood laughing at our antics, probably all thinking of the "good old days." He got off me, laughing at my disheveled appearance, and helped me up. The chemistry between us was undeniable as we locked eyes. It was almost enough for me to come clean. Almost. But my resolve was set, as I offered him a smile.
"Shall we watch the movie now?" I asked, and they all laughed again.
"Of course."
We all sat down to watch the movie, and, of course, Odd sat next to me. Fate seemed to like to torment me. It took all my will power not to grab his hand and lace it with mine. Instead, I settled for pretending to fall asleep half way through the movie and lay my head on his shoulder.
He sighed softly when I did lean on him, and I could tell it was a bittersweet moment for him.
"The chemistry between you two is as strong as ever." Aelita commented softly. "It's hard to believe that she doesn't remember. She acts so naturally around you, like she's meant to be beside you."
"Like I said, maybe you can get her to fall in love with you again." Yumi pointed out.
"Don't get his hopes too far up, Yumi." Ulrich chided. "We have no idea what this 'new' Rain will be like. Maybe she's just more open and trusting. Or maybe she has taken a liking to Odd so quickly because of her prior relationship to him. This is no way to tell."
"I don't really care. I just want to savor the fact that she's alive, and that she's this close to me. That I can laugh and joke with her. That's what's important to me. Her happiness is far more important than mine." Odd said uncharacteristically soft.
My heart ached as they spoke, and once more the thought of telling them came to mind, but I stopped myself. For one, I was supposed to be asleep. But also, I was afraid of what they would think.
"We should probably wake her up, and head back. It's getting late and there's school tomorrow." Jeremie pointed out.
"Rain." Odd's voice sounded closely to my ear, as he shook me slightly. "Time to wake up."
I moaned slightly, as if I'd been awoken from a deep sleep; closing my eyes tightly, I stretched and yawned. I blinked my eyes into focus and looked at each of them before tilting my head slightly. "I fell asleep? What time is it?" I yawned again. Pretending to sleep sure took a lot more out of me then I expected.
"It's about time to head back." Aelita gave a warm smile.
"Oh…" was all I replied with, standing up. "I guess we should get going then?"
"That might be a good idea. I'll see you all at school tomorrow." Yumi waved as we started walking towards the door.
"It was nice to be able to meet you all… well, again." I gave a half smile, tugging on my long sleeves.
"I'm sure we'll share just as many memories as before." Yumi smiled fondly, eyes unfocused as her mind went to the past.
The rest of us made our way back to the school as the sun disappeared. The clouds completely covered the moon and stars, so it was pitch black except for the street lamps, two of them which were flickering on and off. It was then that I remembered that before the incident with my father I was terrified of the pitch black night. I would never go out during new moons. With that thought, I instantly shivered and brought my arms around my torso. It was hard to believe that I had forgotten one of my worst fears because of my mom's death. Xavier used to taunt me so much for it…
"Rain, you okay?" Odd asked, making me jump slightly.
"I'm terrified of pitch black darkness. I love the stars, but being outside when it's so dark… I feel so vulnerable." I whispered. "I feel like something is going to jump out at any minute and attack me…"
"Well, that's new." Aelita said softly, surely remembering the old Rain, though there was still worry in her eyes. It was clear I was petrified.
"We're almost there, okay, don't worry." Odd tried to calm me down.
I breathed deeply, trying not to let my paranoia get the best of me, but something moved off to my right, making me jump again. I closed my eyes trying to center myself, but it wasn't helping. I cursed at myself for remembering such a fear.
"Will you feel better if someone holds your hand?" Odd asked, extending a hand to me. I nodded and timidly took his hand, reveling in the feel of it. If I wasn't so afraid, I would've enjoyed this moment much more. "We're almost there." He repeated softly, giving my hand a squeeze.
I nodded and we continued walking, the others making small talk to keep me occupied, and the warmth of Odd's hand giving me comfort. We reached the school quickly, and all of us split up, but not before Odd asked me if I would be alright walking back alone. I told him I'd be fine.
I made it to my room without further incident, and immediately turned the light on. I moved the stuff off my bed, and flopped down.
'You're still a child, I see.' A familiar voice mocked me. I froze, trying not to let it intimidate me.
"I thought I told you to stay out of my head when I was still in the hospital? Don't you ever listen?" I breathed out, finding my courage.
'It was only a matter of time till I would come back. Do you really think you can get rid of me that easily? '
"Get out of my head." My anger flared up. "Get out or I'll really kill myself this time."
'I bet they took your knife. And if you tell anyone about me, you'd lose your cover and be sent to an insane asylum. You're quite the little actress, my child.'
"Shut up." I growled, as I searched for my knife. No matter how much I searched, I could not find it. I swore as he laughed. I dug my nails into my arm, ignoring the burning pain that shot through it. "I said get out." I ground my teeth together, as my nails pierced the skin after much effort.
'I haven't completed what I came here for.' His malicious tone sneered, though there was a hint of pain to it.
"Haven't you done enough?" I exclaimed weakly, recalling all he had put me through.
'Dear child, it is never enough. Especially when it comes to you. I want to break you down, destroy everything you've built. I want to completely destroy you. And then take over the world.'
I shivered again, before my eyes fell on my mirror. It was just a cheap mirror from the store, and had no real value to me, so I threw it to the ground, picking up a larger shard.
'Don't do it you foolish child!' he berated me as I rolled up my sleeve.
"If it hurts me, it hurts you." I steeled my nerves as I brought the glass to my unscarred wrist. I slashed down quickly, before I could change my mind. I repeated the action two times, before I ground out a "Now leave."
The voice in my head quieted, and I dropped to my knees. I did not want to deal with this. I wanted to do nothing more than throw up at that very moment. I was disgusted with myself. Angry tears streamed down my face as blood dripped to the floor. What had I become? Self abuse was not the answer, but… it was the thing I resorted to in order to get rid of his voice. What was I supposed to do? What else could I turn to? Who could I turn to?
I felt so alone, and so confused. I felt like my heart was being squeezed and twisted, and the more I thought, the more it hurt. I rolled onto my back and grabbed my wrists, flinching as my skin made contact with the wounds. I prayed that applying pressure would be enough to stop the bleeding. I needed to see my counselor soon to get all this out, because as the minutes passed, I began learning what it meant to completely hate myself.
Author Note: So there it is, the second chapter. Was it all you hoped it would be? I'm sure it was slightly hard to follow at times, but that is because Rain isn't really sure what she should think anymore. She's confused and her thoughts are chaotic, like I said in the A/N at the beginning. And it might seem like things are moving fast between Odd and Rain, but… well maybe they are, we'll just have to see. I hoped you all enjoyed it. Questions, comments, concerns? Then please review! Next chapter will be in Yumi's point of view.
[1] I'm not sure what the driving laws are like for them, but since Yumi is seventeen in this story, I'm making it so she's able to drive, since in Florida you can get your license at sixteen.