A few notes from the authoress:
I have edited this a little so that it can be read as a separate story from its sort-of prequel!
Considering that I came up with the idea when I was bored out of my brains during biology, Fair Wanderer, Thou Makest Me Sick actually turned out better than I thought. So I decided to write a sequel, despite the fact that I'm swamped in SACs and I don't seem to have the time anymore to drift off into other realms, where, thankfully, biology doesn't exist.
I recommend reading (and reviewing – it won't take long! =D) Fair Wanderer, Thou Makest Me Sick before reading this one, but it's not entirely necessary. It's probably a good idea if you do, though.
Fair Wanderer, Thou Makest Me Sicker continues a little episode in the life of Legolas Thranduillion, in which he meets a rather unusual Sue, who describes herself as 'half Elf, half Man, half Maia and half Dragon'. Whereupon the Prince of Mirkwood, having had enough of stalkers, decides to dispose of the creature. Said Sue's creator is a little miffed, and that's where our story begins.
Disclaimer: I don't own Middle-Earth or any of Tolkien's creations – it makes sense that I wouldn't be writing fanfiction if I did.
Miss Mary Suethor sat in front of the screen in a state of utter shock as she watched her perfect world fall about her and the blond-haired Elf walking away whistling happily to himself. Sue Marie had been perfect in every way, with her wonderful voice and golden tresses, brutally stabbed by the one person that she was destined to be loved by forever. The Suethor's facial expression contorted into one of rage as she brought her fist down onto the computer desk with a resounding crash. How dare Legolas kill Sue Marie? They were perfect for each other, as Mary Suethor knew well, and had she been allowed to live they would have walked the strands of Eldamar in the West unhindered by the troubles of Middle-Earth (Miss Mary forgetting, of course, that Sue Marie was mortal – but surely the Valar would make concessions for her?). Hadn't Legolas seen what he was missing by killing what would have been the love of his life? She ground her teeth angrily.
A few moments of cogitation suddenly produced a manic grin on Miss Mary's face, as she had all of a sudden realised something. Her face lit up. Of course! She cracked her fingers and smiled gleefully at her own cleverness and originality.
Because what could be better than a self-insert?
She's not going to like this, thought Elrond's messenger with more than just a little anxiety as he hurried down the numerous corridors. Why on Arda had he, of all people, been sent to summon her? Apprehensively he knocked at the door and awaited an answer.
"Come in," came a muffled response.
Timidly Elenir stepped inside and, closing the door quietly, surveyed the room. Bows, crossbows, swords, knives and even a mace adorned the walls below which a seated figure with her muddy boots on the desk darkly ruminated. The look of annoyance at being disturbed was replaced with a smile when she saw who it was.
"Elenir," she exclaimed cheerfully to her childhood friend. She had thought maybe it was one of those hobbits bursting in through the wrong door again. Rivendell always housed the strangest people – this latest group however had to be the strangest of the lot. Master Elrond had christened it proudly 'The Fellowship of the Ring', although there was the potential for major clashes to ensue from such a fellowship. Four hobbits, two Men, a Wizard, an Elf and a Dwarf. She had chuckled when she'd heard about it. It was a strange bunch. Still, as annoying as having random hobbits bursting into her domain she could not bring herself to do so much as give them a withering stare. . .they were kind of cute, she had to admit. . .
"Argileth," he said nervously, terrified of breaking her good mood. "I was wondering –"
"Gimli and Legolas seem to have it in for each other," interrupted Argileth thoughtfully. "What do you think about sending an Elf and a Dwarf together on the same mission?"
"Well – "
"Because I think it would be rather amusing to watch. I'd like to see it happen."
"I think you might be," he muttered.
"What was that?" Elenir realized that he'd been thinking aloud again and inwardly cursed.
"Master Elrond requests that you see him right now, as a matter of urgency," he said quickly. Argileth frowned. Elrond had not summoned her on matters of urgency for some time – it must have been something important indeed.
"May I ask why?" she inquired, puzzled. Elenir felt his palms sweat.
"I don't know," he replied, although he knew quite well exactly what it was. All Udun was going to break loose once she found out.
"You want me to what?" sputtered Argileth.
Elrond's hand supported his head as he felt a migraine coming on. He knew this would happen.
"You must, Argileth, for the good of the Fellowship and for the preservation of the Professor's timeless classic," he replied wearily.
"I mean no offence to you, my Lord," she said in an attempt to regain her composure, "But I suppose that preserving the timeless classic means sending a woman on the Quest? I seem to recall that there were only nine members of the Fellowship and that they were all. . .what do those Creatures call them? Oh yes – 'guys', I believe."
"DO NOT remind me of those despicable beings!" snapped Elrond crossly. He took a deep breath before continuing. "You must go.
"That goes against canon," retorted Argileth peevishly.
Elrond groaned. True as that was, he could not take any risks this time round. It always took far too long to clean up Middle-Earth after all these so-called fanfics flooded in and trashed the Professor's creation with those Creatures. What puzzled Elrond was that the Creature he had seen seemed to have been in Middle-Earth before. But you couldn't trust foresight – it could be wrong. In any case this time he would forestall the impending disaster, of which he had witnessed many before, even if it meant sending Argileth along. He glanced at the figure in front of him, who glared back obstinately, her hand resting on the hilt of her dagger. Dressed in leggings and a short tunic with dagger at her side she didn't even look like a typical elleth. . .maybe the Professor would let him get away with it.
"I'm not going," she said obstinately. Elrond stood up in annoyance.
"You will," he said imperatively, "Unless you want all of Rivendell to be overrun with those foul creatures. That's an order."
Argileth had no choice. "Yes, Master Elrond," she sighed resignedly, knowing exactly what he meant by 'foul creatures'. Elrond looked satisfied at last.
"Good," he said. "Now you may go." She bowed before leaving, cursing under her breath as she walked away, feeling anything but good.
A whole bottle of miruvodka later Argileth had emerged from her room and wandered into the garden to find the members of the Fellowship standing there, having apparently already heard the news. Boromir looked incredulous, Aragorn surprised, Gandalf pensive, Frodo tired, Sam hungry and the other two hobbits grinning as if the whole matter were some hilarious joke.
"You're coming with us?" laughed Boromir scornfully. Argileth rolled her eyes. Misogynistic fool.
"Yes. As a matter of fact, I am, and on the orders of Master Elrond."
Legolas glanced at the elleth in Elven male attire, dressed almost like he was.
"So," he said casually. "Did Master Elrond specify his reasons for wanting your attendance on our. . .excursion?"
"Yes," she snapped, the air with which he put this question annoying her. "And if you remember anything at all about your past experiences with certain creatures you would do well to keep quiet." Why on Arda did those foul creatures go after Legolas, anyway? He was so, so – irritating. Good-looking, but immensely irritating. Aragorn then stood forward for his turn to speak, not visibly quailing under Argileth's narrowed eyes.
"If we really must take a woman along on the Quest," he began, "I would prefer it to be Arwen." At this the hobbits giggled.
"Tough," said Argileth flatly. "Try persuading Arwen to wear green leggings and wander around in the wilderness for the next year or so and I'll crown you King of Gondor myself."
Aragorn's jaw dropped, not used to having an elleth speak to him like that. He confessed that he had had some misgivings when Elrond had told them all that he was sending her along with the Fellowship. Boromir had snorted, saying since when did they need protection from an elleth? But Elrond must have foreseen a great danger ahead or he would not have done what he did. Elrond was well-known as the strictest adherent to canon, especially when it came to what sort of people comprised the Fellowship. "Nine Walkers! NINE! Not ten, not eleven, and they are all men! Arrgh!"
Elrond and the Elves of Rivendell were gathered outside to bid the Fellowship farewell. Argileth bid Elenir an affectionate farewell by saying to him in an undertone,
"If I survive this and return to Rivendell, I'm going to kill you."
"Because you ruined my day. Goodbye."
The journey was slightly delayed by Aragorn and Arwen's outburst of emotions at the gate but seeing Argileth glare at him after half an hour's worth of mushy outpourings Aragorn was forced at last to tear himself away from his beloved elleth. Another half an hour later saw Pippin and Merry fighting over a mushroom on the side of the road.
"It's mine!" yelled Merry.
"No, it's mine! I haven't had my second breakfast yet!"
Argileth groaned. This was going to be a long journey.
17th May 2010: Over the weekend I spent over an hour trying to put in paragraph breaks after FFN deleted all my asterisks the other day. So, if you still find paragraph breaks missing, please do tell me so I can fix it! Thank you. :)