41AN: First off, I need to issue an apology. I've been MIA for a while because of family and school and I apologize for all the stories and chapters I haven't reviewed, PMs I haven't replied to. For all of this I'm very sorry. Please forgive me. I could make more excuses, but they'd seem trite, so I'll say again that I really am sorry.
After "The Man in the Outhouse" I just couldn't understand how Brennan could not comprehend what she was doing and why it was wrong, so here's my second post-ep for this episode and I hope all of you can find it in your hearts to forgive my absence and the fact that I've been a very poor reviewer as of late.
The dull ache in her chest persisted as she and Booth quietly took their seats opposite Sweets. She knew it wasn't rational, she knew that she hadn't been particularly fond of either Mark or Jason, that they were, both of them, a means to an end, but the rejection still stung. People left, it was something that she should be used to by now. She took a deep breath, the fleeting feeling would pass and, she was willing to bet, much sooner than anyone else would guess after being rejected by two men in one evening.
As their session progressed she attempted numerous times to shift the focus from herself, but could never seem to manage it. It wasn't enough for either of them to let it go, they had to ascertain for themselves why it was that she wasn't devastated, at home, with a pint of ice cream like any normal woman would be. It wasn't that she didn't feel, that rejection didn't burn her like a typical human being, but when you keep yourself from the one person who can truly hurt you then you avoid the type of rejection that can rip your heart in two. The pin prick left by Jason and Mark's abandonment was nothing compared to what she was forced to endure last year during those empty two weeks, and those were emotions she was never going to endure again. Not if she could help it. So she lived like this. At least she was assured of never having to spend a broken evening at home with only Ben&Jerry for company.
After Booth had been shot she had finally come to the reluctant conclusion that she had at last met someone who had the capacity to really hurt her, to break her heart. Tonight had been evidence of that. When Booth had muttered that he did fine, assuring her that he indeed had sexual conquests just like her, she felt a stirring that she hadn't expected. Her cool exterior did not betray the swirling of emotions inside her, the confusion she felt over the sick feeling that the idea of him with someone else aroused within her. Jealousy was never something that Temperance Brennan tolerated, in herself or anyone else. So why, after all these years of conditioning herself to remain above such a petty sentiment, was she feeling it full force? She was the one who had no qualms about seeking out a sexual partner, talking about the men she slept with, even discussing them with her partner.
Her train of thought was cut off as Booth looked her in the eyes and told her, quite poetically in fact, that there was one person out there for everyone and that all she had to do was open her eyes and she'd realize it. No one had ever looked at her the way that Booth did on a daily basis, but his eyes held a level of intensity she had never before witnessed. Now she was really confused. Booth had just informed her that he was still sexually active, that he wasn't pining away at home for that 'one' person, but here he was, looking at her and extolling the virtues of a theory that he clearly couldn't entirely support if he was sleeping around. But she felt the nagging inside. Romantics like Booth didn't sleep around, not like she did. Angela had once taken offense to Brennan insinuating that she did the same thing as herself, told her to call it dating and not make it seem as though she fell into bed with anything male on two legs.
Why did monogamy and finding the 'one' matter so much to people like Booth and Angela? Love. That had to be it. They knew what it was like to be in love. Maybe she did too, but all that she really knew about love was that it hurt you, that, when taken away, it was the only thing able to truly devastate you.
They left Sweets' office that evening unusually somber. Brennan still reeling from Booth's speech and Booth sporting the same lost and frustrated look that he had been wearing all day. A look that she could not, for the life of her, comprehend.
"What's wrong Booth?" she finally asked when they had seated themselves at the diner. She was dressed to the nines and receiving looks from every male patron, but her thoughts were far away, fixed on the man across from her.
Booth's head snapped up in surprise. She knew he was still caught off guard by how well she could read him.
"Nothing's wrong Bones," he murmured, stirring his spoon in his coffee.
"Then stop being so obvious." She was getting frustrated now.
She knew the look he had given her when he spoke to her about the potential for real connection between two people, she remembered the spark in his eyes when he talked about the difference between sex and making love, but the most painful to her was the memory of the line he had placed between them two years ago.
She also knew the stoic, yet irritated, look on his face when she talked about Jason and Mark, but she also knew, for damn sure, that he had no right to be jealous since he was the one who had put the line in place. He had no right to sit there all moody because she was forced to seek out alternative, albeit less stimulating, company.
"What's that supposed to mean?"
Now he was deigning to look at her.
"You've been moody all day, since the moment you saw me and Mark together and I can only assume that your possessiveness is causing you to feel jealous."
He shook his head and glared at her.
"Why would I be jealous Bones? It's not like you ever keep any of those losers around. Use 'em and lose 'em right Bones?" he bit out.
She recoiled at the verbal slap. The pain that resounded inside of her the moment his insinuation sunk in was exponentially more devastating that anything she had felt in the moment that Mark had told her that he no longer wanted to be one of many. She felt tears burn her eyes as she stood up quickly and hurried out into the chilly night.
He was right. The more she pursed a man with the knowledge that he would never be the one man she wanted the more she realized how selfish she was being. She knew the capacity that one human being had to hurt another and yet she was actively seeking men's company for the sole purpose of fulfilling urges, Did they want more? Did she ever bother to find out? He was right.
Why did it hurt so much when he verbalized it? It shouldn't have bothered her, but to know that Booth thought so little of her was something she couldn't bear. This, this is what she was protecting herself against. This is why, deep down, she knew his line was a good thing. For all her dreams and fantasies of what her and Booth could be, this right here is why she knew that he had done the right thing by vetoing the possibility of anything more between them. But the way he looked at her tonight, the way his brown eyes had softened and snapped at the same time as they had gazed into hers. He couldn't tease her like that, become jealous of the men she found and then maintain his position on the other side of that line.
She hurried down the street even as she heard his voice calling after her, but she just couldn't let him see the tears, let him know the adverse affect that he had on her. She would be forced to make confessions and everything she had worked so hard to keep hidden would come to light.
"Bones!"
"Go away Booth," was all that she could manage, internally cursing the wobble in her voice.
"No," he said emphatically, "I'm sorry Bones, so sorry. I didn't mean it."
"Yes you did Booth. You did….because it's true."
"No it's not Bones. You would never do something like that. Not intentionally." He said, clearly willing her to understand what he was trying to say.
"But isn't that what I do Booth? I pick up men, satisfy biological urges and then refuse to connect, oftentimes refuse to even see them again?" At this he winced. "I was serious Booth, when I said that I would seriously consider the merits of a monogamous relationship. People really do get hurt don't they?"
She berated herself for only making this realization now, for previously assuming that everyone could compartmentalize the way that she could. But she had been hurt so many times, had felt the pain of being intimate with someone and then abandoned. Why had she never made the connection before? Other people had feelings too. Other people had the capacity to feel the hurt that comes with being close to someone, even if that connection is merely physical, and then subsequently snubbed.
"They do Bones, but you don't set out to hurt them, you don't do that, which is why I can't wrap my head around this. Why do you put relationships in jeopardy before they even have time to unfold? Why couldn't you see that Mark and Jason were both smitten with you and thought they had something great with you?"
Had she really reached a point where she couldn't see when she was causing someone else pain? In truth she didn't think that she was someone that a man could care for to such an extent. The confusion must have shown on her face and Booth's next words took her breath away.
"You didn't even notice did you? You never thought that someone could care for you that way. You still don't think that do you?" he whispered. He was so close now and she had to step away. When he was being like this: caring and compassionate, her heart rate sped up, she began perspiring. She just couldn't help it.
She wanted what he spoke of tonight, wanted it with the one man who made her feel special, told her that she was on a regular basis, but unfortunately he was the same man who stated unequivocally that partners could never become involved. Again she cursed him for confusing her brilliant mind. She could fathom and understand any concept, theory or law, but she could not figure out this man. One minute she was sure he wanted her just as badly as she wanted….no, needed, him, but the next….It was too much.
"I have to go," she said, her eyes pleading him not to follow as she veered around him. But he grabbed her arm and held her in place.
"People do Bones, people care about you. Look at yourself Bones, how could you not consider that a man would want to make a life with you, start a real relationship? How can you not see that when you invite these men into your bed that they will inevitably want to be let into your heart as well?"
At his words she broke down. The guilt, the confusion and the look on his face, a look of unadulterated hurt, became too much for her to bear. He pulled her into his arms as she wept for what she never thought she could have, for what appeared to be so close and yet was out of her reach. He did fine. He had women, women that he turned to instead of her. He professed to be searching for the 'one' and had clearly closed his eyes to the possibility of her being the one on that day, as he watched his son on the Merry-go-Round, and told her that it would never happen between them.
He stroked her back, let a warm hand move reassuringly through her hair, but his actions only made her heart constrict even more. She couldn't do this anymore.
When she had composed herself sufficiently she pulled away and looked him in the eye.
"Why do you do this Booth?" she said as she swiped at her eyes, willing the tears to stop.
"Do what Bones?" Confusion etched on his handsome features.
"Tease me, look at me the way you do, watch me, tell me that there's one person out there for me and then get in my way when I try to find that someone?" If he wanted to understand her then she needed some answers as well.
"But that's not what you're doing Bones," he said, exasperated. "You're not looking for the 'one'."
"Maybe I'm not Booth, but when you push your beliefs on me, force me to try and understand, insinuate yourself into my love life whenever I do find someone, how am I supposed to take you seriously?"
Booth shifted anxiously before looked up at her.
"I told you to go with Sully didn't I?" he said quietly.
She paused. He had told her that.
"I just don't understand why you care so much."
"Because you deserve better than one night stands, those men deserve better. Everyone deserves to find their soul mate, to live a long and happy life with someone who brings them joy and happiness. Everyone."
"Maybe I don't want that." Obstinate to the end.
"Who doesn't want to be happy Bones?"
"Are you happy Booth?"
He looked down at the ground uncomfortably.
"Sure."
"When was the last time you had intercourse?"
He actually blushed. "Bones.." he hissed.
"No Booth. We're together all the time. You knew about Mark and Jason only days after I started seeing them. When have you had time to have sex? When you're not with me, you're with Parker or you're at work. For goodness sake, I almost had to lie to you to find time to set up a meeting with Jason."
"Okay," he drew out. "Maybe I just didn't want that little twerp analyzing the fact that I haven't been with anyone in a long time. Maybe I didn't want him to know that he's probably getting more than I am. Maybe none of that is enough for me anymore."
Brennan only nodded. Somehow she understood. His mood over that day, his constant attempts to sabotage her dates, his looks. Was he feeling the same way that she was? She had felt jealousy tonight, had felt pained at the thought that he could turn to other women and not her, had drawn a line only for her. Maybe Booth was protecting himself as much as she was? Maybe seeing her with other men hurt him as much as the thought of him with other women did her. Suddenly she understood what any other women would have realized right away: he wanted her.
"I'm sorry Booth."
Those were clearly the last words he expected to hear from her and his brows puckered in confusion.
"Why?"
"For not understanding before."
'That's not your fault," he said easily.
"It is. I never saw before that you were in love with me."
His eyes widened. And she saw the gears shifting in his mind as it raced to find some sort of reply to her statement. Suddenly it was as if blinds were pulled down; his eyes became empty. She knew he was shutting down, a response she was on intimate terms with.
"I don't love you Bones," he said quietly. "And I don't want your pity." He turned and began walking away.
"No, Booth, "she cried as she latched onto his arm. "I'm not pitying you. I'm just…..wishing you'd told me yourself. You get angry when I have dates, you become possessive, you protect me... The list goes on Booth. Everything indicates that you have feelings for me, but you should have told me yourself. I'm not equipped to pick up on subtleties."
He sighed in defeat.
"I never intended for you to find out. I would have dealt with it."
Another rejection. This explained the line, the distance in his gaze, his attempt to take some ground back in this conversation. She knew now, it was out in the open and yet he still was going to move on, continue to reject the idea of being with her. Tears welled up and she ducked her head. Was the notion of being with her that repugnant? Was the idea of attempting to make it work with her so repulsive?
She sniffled and cursed her own weakness.
"I get it Booth."
He tilted up her chin.
"What's wrong Bones? I thought you'd be glad?"
"Glad!" she nearly yelled. "Glad that you clearly don't want to be with me, that the idea of a relationship with me is so odious to you. You have feelings for me and still would rather deal with them then admit that maybe…."
"Maybe what Bones?" he said softly.
"...that maybe I'm the 'one'," she finished.
"Bones," he breathed.
"It's alright Booth. I can deal with my feelings the same way that you can. We can move on right?" She turned and headed towards his truck.
"You have feelings for me?" She heard his voice float from a few feet behind her and closed her eyes.
She laughed bitterly. "If I didn't would I have forced you to admit to your own?"
"I just…I thought" he stuttered.
"Thought what, Booth? Never thought that I had the ability to feel like that? That maybe I had to find other men to make me forget that you'd put up a wall between us? That maybe I'd realized that you're the only one who can hurt me and that confuses the hell out of me?"
And then he was beside her, his arms around her. He looked into her eyes and asked her the one question she couldn't answer.
"How do you feel about me Bones?"
"Booth," she sighed. "I can't answer that. I don't believe in love, but I can't explain what I felt tonight when you said that you do fine, what I felt when you were with Cam and what I feel when I think of you going home to someone else." She needed him to understand, knew somehow that he would.
" Really? Honestly Bones, I never thought you'd feel that way about me. How do you think I felt knowing that you'd rather turn to other men than think of me? I didn't think you'd have me." The pain in his eyes ate at her and she cursed herself for not seeing what she was doing to him before.
"I do want you Booth. When you say I deserve more all that I can think is that I don't want it unless it's with you." That was the best she could do for now. She couldn't tell him she loved him, didn't know if she'd ever have the courage, but at least she could try to make him understand what he had come to mean to her.
"Me neither Bones," he whispered as he leaned in and placed a soft kiss on her waiting lips. He pulled her deeper into his embrace and she felt her arms slip around him, but nothing truly registered but the feel of his lips pressed against hers. She sighed softly against his lips and parted hers to deepen the kiss.
Eventually he pulled back and rested his chin on her head.
"I love you," he whispered, pressing a kiss to her hair.
She tightened her grip on him. For the first time in her life her emotions overwhelmed her ability to speak. But it didn't matter, she knew he understood.
It was a night of firsts for Temperance Brennan. It was first night in a long time that she gave in to the idea that monogamy might be a good thing, it was the first time in a long time that she recognized the emotions coursing through her for what they were and it was the first time since her parents left that she felt really, truly loved.
The End