Chapter Twenty-Three

Alice visited with Charlie for a little while, which he was delighted about. After an hour or so she said she had to go but that she'd be back to see him again sometime soon. I made Charlie and I some lunch then; just peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. Alice was right, we were just about out of peanut butter. I was glad she told me to get a new jar.

I sat with Charlie on the couch and watched the end of a game with him. Forks had had a short day today, the teacher's needed to have a meeting or something, and for the first time in a long time Charlie had the day off.

"So, the funeral's at five this Saturday," Charlie told me.

I nodded my head. I thought of poor Emily and the pack, and I felt guilty all over again. But after everything that had been happening, I really thought that I ought to go. Even if just to say goodbye to Sam once more. And tell him thank you again. "I think I'd like to go," I said quietly.

Charlie nodded his head and patted my hand. "Alright," he replied. "Alright!" he cheered as one of the teams scored. After it ended I slipped up to my room and found Edward there. I gasped, grabbing my heart.

"Sorry Bella," he told me with a smile. My heart skipped a beat.

"That's okay. You just surprised me," I said softly. I sat down on my bed and Edward followed.

"Can I hug you?"

My eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Of course." I was suddenly enveloped in his arms.

"Bella," he sighed. "You refuse to talk to me for days on end and yet now you act as if nothing had happened."

"Oh." Ashamed I ducked my head a bit more. "I'm sorry. I've been trying to sort things out."

Edward pulled his head back but didn't let go. "I know. Though I must admit I am a bit miffed that you chose to talk to Alice before me."

I flushed. "She ambushed me," I defended.

Edward grinned. "I know. But still."

There was a silence as we sat there just staring at each other for a while. It was uncomfortable.

"So, um, how is...everyone?" I asked at last.

"They miss you," Edward responded immediately. "Esme frets about you all the time, Emmett often thinks about you, even Rosalie has shown some sort of regret over your isolation."

"Oh," I said, surprised. I guess they really did care a lot about me. I almost asked about Jasper, but found I couldn't breathe when I thought of him so I didn't. But Edward informed me anyway.

"Jasper mopes all day," Edward said as nonchalantly as he could. "He often stays in his room, or when he's tired of that he'll go outside and fly his kite."

"Please stop," I said quietly. Edward reached out and held my hand.

"I'm sorry love. I just wanted you to know," he mumbled.

"I know. I'm sorry. I know this is hard for you too," I said quietly. "I just-I don't want to..." I sighed. I couldn't even make a coherent sentence when it came to Jasper.

Gratefully Edward changed the subject. "So this means that you'll allow me to sit with you at lunch tomorrow? And in class?"

I rolled my eyes. "Well yes, I suppose so."

Edward grinned, giving my hand a light squeeze. "Thank you, Bella, for such an honor."

Edward spent the next couple of hours with me. We talked a bit, and he helped me with some homework, but when the sky darkened to night he left.

After dinner I waited for my computer to slowly turn on, then logged onto my email. It had been a couple of days since I had emailed Renee, so I figured it was about time. I tapped the keys slowly, not quite sure what I wanted to say, what I could say, but suddenly the words came to me in a rush.

Mom,

Sorry it's been a while. Things have been a bit busy here; I've been hanging out with Angela and Ben more, along with Mike and Jessica a bit too. Charlie has also been a bit more paternal, which is, you know, weird. But nice.

Edward and I broke up. Well I guess maybe I broke up with him. I was really sad about it for a while. But I just...I think I really needed a break. I mean, when he left I just felt so...so devastated. Like I didn't want to do anything, like I was incapable of doing anything.

But the funny thing is that I started talking to his brother, Jasper.

I know what you're thinking Mom. You're thinking I'm crazy for talking to my ex's brother, that it's silly and wrong. And maybe it was. But I just realized how much I really...well how much I really love him. It's not like we fell in love instantly, like Edward and I did. It was slow and steady, like it should be. I mean, he was my friend first, and I don't really even know when our feelings changed from platonic to romantic.

Things were really great. I mean, Jasper and I were having a great time together and I just...I love him so much. And for some reason he loves me too. But then Edward came back.

So, well, I tried to work things out with Edward. I mean, what else could I do? I loved Edward with every ounce of me; he was perfect and wonderful and just too good for me. But...after a while I just realized that...that he wasn't all those things. Well not to the extreme that I put him in. Edward is wonderful and good and just...I love him. I know I do. But...I think I realized that maybe I loved the idea of him more than I actually loved him. Or something silly like that.

Edward is like that perfect, unattainable man. And even when I had him I felt like any moment I would do something wrong and he wouldn't want me anymore. I spent a lot of time worrying about that. Enough so that we never really had a healthy relationship or whatever.

But with Jasper it was so different. I knew instantly that he cared for me, that he didn't hold me to some high standard, and honestly I didn't hold him to high standard either. Because I know he's flawed and makes mistakes and messes up...but I love him for all of that. I love him because he has these mishaps but he works through them; we worked through them together. And...god it was just so amazing.

I realized that I loved Jasper more than anything. More than Edward. Because as much as I love Edward, and as much as he'll always hold a place in my heart, I know that the love I have for him will always be shadowed with doubt and uncertainty. But the love I share with Jasper is pure and wonderful. I want to be with him. And he wants to be with me too. But then stuff happened, one of our mutual...friends...died. And...I just couldn't deal with it. So I pushed Jasper, and everyone else, away.

But now...Well I think things are getting better again. I talked to Edward today for the first time in a while. And things were...good. They were good. For the first time I wasn't sad or upset. In fact, I felt...happy. Is that wrong? It just seemed like...like everything sort of fell into place. Like Edward was always meant to just be my friend, someone I was close to, but...not my love. You know?

Well anyway. I don't know. I haven't talked to Jasper for...even longer. And I think I know what I need to do now. What I want to do. The hard part is just...doing it.

Sorry this is such a long message. I've just had all these thoughts in my head and they decided to spill out now. Thanks for listening. I miss you. I love you.

Bella

I sent the message. I was nice to get all my feelings out there, even if Renee was getting a choppy, incomplete version of it all. I quickly skimmed through the rest of my email, all junk mail, before turning off my computer and laying down on my bed.

I knew I shouldn't be thinking about everything once again, rehashing it in my head, but I couldn't stop. I was tired of it all, all the same conclusions and pointless what ifs. I was glad when there was a tapping at my window. Out of reflex my heart palpitated and fear washed over me, but then I calmed. Victoria was gone, I didn't need to worry about anything.

I heaved myself off my bed and opened the window. Alice gracefully stepped inside.

"Hey Bella!" she greeted, smiling. "Look what I've got. Sorry it took so long, but Emmett and I were fighting over them for a while. So I had to go back and get another set of prints so he wouldn't steal yours."

Alice handed me the photos and we sat together on my bed. I opened the envelope carefully, removing the glossy prints inside. The first was of Charlie sleeping, and I was surprised at how peaceful he looked, no worry lines marring his forehead.

Then the picture Emmett took of himself. I smiled at it because it was so much him. Behind it was the one he snapped of him and me. I cringed, looking at the surprised look on my face, my mouth partially open in protest.

"Carlisle has this one on his desk now," Alice told me as I turned to the next picture. It was really quite sweet. Carlisle with his arm around me and a disarming smile, while I laughed at how silly Emmett was being. I really liked it.

There was a picture of Edward that I didn't remember Emmett taking, then one of Jasper that made my heart ache. Some more candids of us as we sat in my room that night, and a few more silly photos of Emmett.

The next photos were difficult to look at. The first was of Jasper sitting on my bed, smiling widely, the day we had gone kite flying. The next was of Jasper and me, intimately close and both smiling happily, totally carefree.

The next made me smile. It was of Charlie the night Jasper made us dinner. Charlie looked a bit uncomfortable and entirely as awkward as ever, and I loved it.

The next was breath taking. Jasper carrying the silver tray laden with chocolate dipped strawberries, outfitted in slacks, a white button down and dark vest. He was breathtaking. I stared at it, loving the way his hair fell casually into his eyes, his handsome smile, the cut of his clothes on his body.

I went to the next photo before my thoughts turned less innocent. It was of Jasper and me, standing together in the hallway. His arm was draped around my waist, holding me close. It made me miss him violently.

The last picture was no better. It was the photo Jasper had taken on our last night together. We were both smiling lightly, but there was a definite sadness about us. The fire cast a bit of an orange glow across us, the sky black in the background. I couldn't help but run my finger across Jasper's face.

"Bella," Alice said softly. I startled, looking at her quickly. "Don't change your mind." I furrowed my brow, about to ask her what she was talking about. "You know what I mean. You've decided what to do. Do it," she urged.

I bit my lip, feeling suddenly unsure, self conscious, guilty. "Yeah..."

Alice kissed my cheek then stood up. "We're going to go dress shopping soon," Alice told me as she walked to the window. "I have the perfect dress for you." She gave me a wave then hopped out the window.

I turned back to the pictures, staring at them all for a while. At last I picked one out, the one of Jasper and I by the fire, and placed it in the tin. I grabbed my photo album off my book shelf, carefully adding the other pictures in there. After a moment I pulled out the one of Jasper and I sitting on my bed together and leaned it up against my lamp. I stared at it until I fell asleep.

0000000

Saturday dawned with overcast skies. Dark clouds were gathering on the horizon, the imminent threat of a downpour later in the day. I'd barely slept the night before, unable to rest easily with the funeral weighing on my mind. Still, I tossed and turned in bed for hours after sunlight started to peek through my window, not quite able to bring myself to get out of bed. Around nine Charlie knocked on my door.

"Hey Bells, you awake?" he asked, peeking his head in.

"Yeah," I replied, sitting up and looking at him.

"I'm gonna make some breakfast then head on over to the Rez. Do you want to come with me or drop in later?" he asked.

"I'll come with you," I said. "I'm just going to take a shower and get ready."

Charlie nodded and left me to my devices. I drug myself out of bed and headed to the shower, not really enjoying the hot water splashing against me. My mind was wrapped around the idea of seeing Sam for the last time, and, as selfish as it might be, the hope of seeing Jasper at the funeral.

I dressed quickly and headed downstairs, eating some cereal while Charlie finished his coffee. Soon enough we were out the door and heading down to La Push. Charlie stopped at the local florist and bought a small bouquet.

"They're pretty," I commented as he handed them to me to hold. "Emily will like them."

"Yup," Charlie replied gruffly. Still, I smiled at the kind gesture.

The rest of the ride to La Push was quiet, and when we finally pulled up close to Emily's house, her yard was mostly overtaken by cars, family and friends. It was easy to spot Jacob, as tall as he was, standing amongst much of the pack outside of Emily's house. Charlie and I wandered over.

"Bella," Jake sighed, a small smile finding its way to his face.

"Hey Jake," I greeted, letting him envelope me in his arms.

"You came," he said quietly, happily.

"I came," I agreed, hugging him back. "Is uh, is Emily inside? I'd like to see her."

"Yeah, come on," Jake said, holding my hand and gently leading me inside.

Emily was sitting at the table frosting cupcakes, surrounded by a lot of women. Confused, I shot a look at Jake who just shrugged.

"Emily," I called softly.

She looked up, eyes wet. "Oh, Bella. Hello," she greeted. "Would you like to help me decorate these cupcakes?"

"Um, sure," I agreed. I sat down next to her and grabbed some of her frosted cupcakes, adding sprinkles on top. After a few minutes silence I cautiously asked her why she was doing this.

"Oh, well Sam always liked frosted cupcakes, you know. And the boys like them too. It's always nice to have them ready in case they get hungry," she told me.

Concerned I grabbed her hand, stopping her from frosting another cupcake. "Emily?" She looked at me, a smile on her face, but not really there. "Emily, are you okay?"

She burst into tears. "I miss him," she wailed. "I miss him so much." She threw her arms around me and sobbed.

Unsure of what to do I rubbed her back. "I know," I murmured. The other women around us came over and started to dote on Emily, but she stayed firmly glued to me. At last she calmed down, pulling back and looking at the cupcakes in confusion.

"What am I doing?" she murmured to herself. Emily turned to me. "Sorry Bella. I didn't mean to-"

I held her hand. "No, I understand. I'm sorry I've been avoi-I'm sorry I haven't been around more. I know it's hard for you."

"The boys have been wonderful," she told me. "I don't know what I'd do without them. We miss you."

"I miss you all too."

Emily dabbed at her eyes, glancing around at the cupcakes once more. "Oh, well enough of that. Do you want to go for a walk with me Bella?"

I nodded.

Emily and I exited the house amongst concerned and sympathetic looks. "It's going to rain," she said glumly. Emily let out a big breath. "It's nice to be outside. I've been going a bit crazy staying inside so much."

"I hadn't noticed," I replied lightly.

Emily shook her head. "Sometimes I just start doing things before I really realize I'm doing them. Like the cupcakes. I used to make cupcakes for Sam all the time. Sometimes I still do things, thinking he'll just walk in the door any moment..."

I nodded my head, not sure what to say. We walked in silence for a while longer, Emily acknowledging those who said hi with a wave of her hand.

"How is Jasper?" Emily asked suddenly. "I know Sam actually thought quite highly of him, but we haven't...I haven't seen him for a while."

"I..don't know," I responded.

Emily turned to me. "What do you mean?"

"I uh, I wasn't just avoiding the pack. I've actually-I haven't seen Jasper in a while either."

Emily looked like she was going to slap me. "Bella!" she chastised. "Are you insane?"

"No! I just-I didn't think it was really-I mean, Sam and..." I took a deep breath. "I just-I needed some time to get my head on straight. Learn to be independent. I mean, I've spent so much time relying on everyone else, I just felt like I needed to be by myself for a while."

"I understand," Emily said at last. "But Bella, you ought to know how fleeting everything is by now. Don't let something so perfect, something I know you want more than anything, to pass you by. Jasper might not wait forever," she told me. Her mouth quirked into a smile. "Then again, seeing as he's a vampire, forever really isn't all that long, is it?"

"I do-I want to be with him. But now I'm just afraid that it's too late. I mean...I don't know how to tell him," I confessed.

Emily shook her head, a small smile on her face now. "Oh Bella. Just tell him."

"What, just walk right up to him and say 'Jasper, I love you and want to be with you.' Seriously? After everything I've put him through?" I asked incredulously.

"Why not? Maybe you should soften the impact with a kiss while you're at it," Emily said thoughtfully. I stared at her, flabbergasted. "Oh Bella. You know I'm being silly, but I really mean it. When you've found something that makes you happy as much as Jasper does, and it's right there within your reach, why on earth would you bother torturing yourself? See, that's what I loved about Sam. He never waited, hardly asked; he just did. He wanted to be with me and, well, he just...was with me. Sure, it was annoying at first, but I'm so glad he did it, because I was much too diffident when it comes to showing my affection."

A small smile graced my lips for a moment, listening to how much love seeped into Emily's tone as she reminisced.

"Emily!" We turned around at the voice to see one of the elder Quileutes was making his way towards us.

"Sorry Bella, I have some things I still need to attend to," Emily told me. She gave me a hug, whispering in my ear, "Quit being stupid and talk to Jasper. We all want you to. Sam would want you to." Then she pulled back and hurried away.

I sighed, staring after her. Emily was right. I needed to stop being so afraid and just talk to Jasper. I couldn't, shouldn't, keep living my life in fear and cowardice. Besides this was Jasper. I knew him, he knew me. It wasn't like he wouldn't listen to me. Why was I being so stupid?

"Hey Bella," Jake called, jogging up to me. "You wanna come on back? The pack would like to see you."

"Sure," I said, heading towards him. "I'd like to see them too."

0000000

It was somber. No one was smiling and there were tears in everyone's eyes. I hadn't been to a funeral since my grandmother's, and I suddenly remembered why I hated them so much. Nervously I played with my hair and fiddled with my clothes. Charlie noticed my fidgeting and patted my shoulder. I gave him a weak smile.

Emily had decided she wanted Sam buried by her house. The pack had dug a deep grave near her garden. Sam's body wasn't in a coffin.

"Coffins aren't something we really use, Bella. When our bodies decompose we'll return to the Earth, which has given us so much. We want to give back," Jake told me. He gave me a long hug, keeping his arm draped over my shoulders when he pulled away. "Thanks for coming," he whispered down to me.

"Yeah. I-I'm glad I came." Jake stiffened next to me for a moment and I looked up at him. "Jake?" I followed his line of sight towards the forest. My heart skipped a beat. Jasper and Carlisle were standing at the edge of the forest, watching the proceedings with solemn faces. When they noticed the attention they looked up and raised their hands in greeting, Jake nodding his acknowledgement in return.

Jasper's eyes snapped to mine and I froze, both wanting to say hello, I love you, I miss you, and any number of things and yet completely unable to do so. So I ducked my head, immediately hating myself.

Sam's body was lowered into the earth, some words were said, and Emily helped the pack fill in the grave. My eyes watered, a few tears slipping past, and I hurriedly rubbed my eyes.

"Bella." The voice made me jump.

"J-Jake!" I said, startled. Sam's grave was filled in, Emily placing flowers on it, and people starting to disperse back to the house.

"Go talk to him," Jake told me. I looked at him incredulously. "Jasper. Go. Seriously Bella."

"I-"

"Not gonna hear it. Go." Jake turned and left, leaving me standing alone by Sam's grave. I stood there in angst, debating myself. I couldn't do it. When it came down to it I couldn't do it. What if he didn't want to talk to me? I did ignore him for so long. I mean, I even told him to leave me alone every time he had tried to talk to me. He was probably upset with me anyway and didn't want to talk. Yeah. I should give him some time to cool off.

You're being an idiot.

I was, wasn't I? Why not? Why shouldn't talk to him? This was Jasperfor god's sake.

Taking a deep breath I steeled myself to just go over there and tell Jasper exactly how I felt. That I loved him and was sorry I was being so difficult and really hoped he would forgive me and ask him to be together. Okay.

I looked up.

He was gone.

---

A/N: Yes. I just updated. Let us all celebrate in knowing that this story was not abandoned, despite my claims of not taking another three months, I actually took six. However, I AM GOING TO FINISH THIS STORY! This was gonna be the last chapter but, as you can clearly see, it's not over. I want to say there's one more, but we'll see. A HUGE thanks to all of you darling readers who have reviewed and messaged me asking me to update. To Sunshine and Chocolate, who I want to give so much love and thanks to for all her encouragement and random messages, thank you. (Also, I can't seem to PM you back.. D:) And of course, my lovely, wonderful JaspersBella, without whom...well, let's just say we should all give her lots of love. Til the next one...