By Andrew J. Talon
Disclaimer: I do not and probably never will own Naruto or any other copyrighted works mentioned in this story. I am not writing this for profit.
Author's Note: When I have writer's block, I often write a lot of random snippets of ideas, omakes, and continuations of other author's ideas that kind of petered out. As I'm afflicted with a bit of writer's block regarding Key Through the Heart (again), I've decided I'm not going to leave you guys in the lurch. Therefore, enjoy some writing I've been doing over at The Fanfiction Forum.
For this first chapter, here are some snippets I wrote for the "New Intros" thread-Essentially, Naruto and co. are stuck in a Groundhog's Day type time loop, and do their introductions over and over again. Beware of multiple crossovers and a few references to other fics I've written.
"Hello, my name is Uzumaki Naruto," the blonde ninja said, wearing a strange kind of smile. Kakashi wasn't quite sure what to make of the boy. Since the beginning of the meeting he'd been kind of reserved, nothing like the loudmouth frequently seen tearing through the streets.
And that weapon of his... A giant key?
"I like ramen, all of my friends, blowing stuff up and flying," Naruto continued. He glowered at Sasuke. "I dislike arrogant assholes who take off on their own and don't accept help, even from their friends..."
Sasuke glared back in partial confusion.
"Selfish people, lazy people who can't let go of the past, megalomaniacs, and people who just can't accept that they can be themselves and that's just fine," Naruto continued, gaze sliding to Sakura. The pink haired girl blushed despite herself and glared back indignantly. Naruto sighed, and then smiled again, tapping his weapon on the ground.
"My hobbies...? Flying, training, gardening, and generally making an ass of myself while having fun. And my goals...?"
Naruto looked Kakashi right in the eyes, and Kakashi frowned beneath his mask, unsure of the strange depth within. As though Naruto was looking right inside of him...
"Save the universe... Save my friends... And have a place to go back home to."
"Hey! I'm Doctor Naruto Uzumaki! Feel free to call me Doctor Uzumaki though," the blonde in the black jumpsuit stated, grinning and handing out business cards to the rest of his dumbfounded team.
"I like blowing stuff up, making money, women and never buying on margin. Good investment tip, by the way," Naruto added. "My hobbies include psychology, parapsychology, paranormal investigation and elimination, research, blowing stuff up, learning new ways to blow stuff up, and of course business... Though that's not so much a hobby as a basic necessity," Naruto went on.
"My goals are to build myself a Ghostbusting franchise, though I'll do some therapy on the side... Lord knows that's a fertile market around here... Become rich, have a harem, have loads of children with loving wives, and save the world. Good for business."
Naruto turned and smirked at the gawking Sasuke. "Beat that, emo boy!"
"Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto, and I-MMPH?!"
Kakashi felt like dropping his book. Sakura's jaw dropped and eyes bugged out. Even Sasuke looked shocked.
Yamanaka Ino, dressed in a strange yet sexy blue outfit with a broad-brimmed, yellow pointed hat was kissing the hell out of Naruto. She let the bright red and stunned blonde go, and grinned wickedly at the rest of Team 7.
"Hello, I'm Yamanaka Ino. I like Naruto-kun, magic, sex with Naruto-kun, blowing things up, and did I mention sex with Naruto-kun?" With this the witch Ino turned and glared at Sasuke and Sakura.
"I do not like small dicked, cold-hearted, arrogant bastards who make me waste my time chasing after them, or backstabbing former best friends who become my rival over said small dicked, cold-hearted, arrogant bastard. I'm not too fond of you either, lech," Ino snarled, pointing her staff at Kakashi. A flash of light and standing where Kakashi had sat was a very confused-looking dog with gray fur, a mask, and a miniature forehead protector over his eye.
"As for hobbies... Magic, flower arrangement, and sex with Naruto-kun," she announced. "Finally! My goals are, for the next ten hours, to have non-stop sex with Naruto-kun. Toodles!"
With that, Ino cackled, yanked the very shocked Naruto onto her staff, and flew off. Sasuke and Sakura just stared after her, in utter disbelief at what had happened.
Kakashi, in the meantime, was discovering the joys of being able to lick his privates. If only he could read Icha Icha Paradise at the same time!
"Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto..."
"Hi, Naruto," assorted other people in the room said.
"And I have been fucked over by my creator," he sighed.
"We feel your pain, Naruto," Neo of The Matrix sighed.
"Hi! I'm Uzumaki Naruto! I'm running for Hokage this fall, so please, be sure to vote for me! Remember, a vote for Uzumaki is a vote for ramen, kickass ninja battles, and lowered income tax!" Naruto cheerfully stated, handing out campaign buttons to all of Team 7. Naruto stopped in front of Sasuke, smoothed down his nice suit and smiled cheerfully at the scowling Uchiha.
"I guarantee, under my administration you will get all the training and support you need to destroy your brother, blacken his name and restore your clan to it's former glory!" Naruto stated. Sasuke looked interested, though guarded.
"Yes, really! I was thinking we start out with a negative publicity crusade first-Put all of Itachi's dirty, humiliating secrets out in public, via the radio, TV, newspapers-You name it! We'll make him a laughingstock!"
"And then...?" Sasuke prompted. Naruto shrugged.
"We'll get you trained up enough to kick his ass, and then you'll have the choice of killing him, or just humiliating him in some manner that will render him utterly broken and in complete awe of your power over him!"
Sakura and Kakashi just gaped as Sasuke actually smiled.
"You've got my vote," Sasuke promised. Naruto grinned.
"So, uh... Naruto...? Do you need a... A campaign manager?" Sakura asked with a cough. Naruto sure had changed since the last time she'd seen him-He'd gotten Sasuke to smile. That just sealed the deal-She had to support him, because if Sasuke supported him then she sure as hell would!
"Actually Sakura, I already have one! But thanks for offering, we'll try to find you some kind of job, isn't that right Tenten?"
Kakashi jumped as said bunned girl, in a smart pantsuit, seemed to appear out of thin air behind him. In her sensible heels she walked across the roof to Sakura, handing her a brochure.
"The Uzumaki campaign has several possible openings for a kunoichi of your intelligence," Tenten said brightly. "Organizer, pollster, intern..."
"Kakashi-sensei! I could definitely use the support of a famous and talented jounin," Naruto offered with that winning smile. Kakashi coughed.
"I am going to see if I can drop the tariff placed on Icha Icha Paradise, and lower business taxation to make it more attractive to print it here..." Naruto said.
Kakashi knew bait when he saw it... But this was Icha Icha Paradise they were talking about here.
"Well, who wants to go first?"
Naruto sighed heavily, and stood up, adjusting the crumpled fedora on his head.
"Hi, I'm Uzumaki Naruto," he said dully. "I like Hinata, anthropology, ramen and that's about it. I don't like snakes, Nazis, being kept in this stupid village's military when I have better things to do and study. I'm not one for being stuck you see."
"Ah..." Kakashi nodded slowly as Naruto sniffed and wiped his nose with the sleeve of his leather jacket.
"My hobbies? None of your damn business. And my goal...?"
A loud buzzing. The sound of an airplane. Kakashi, Sakura and Sasuke turned as one to see a biplane from the outside world dive down. Naruto grinned, and swung out his whip for the airplane's undercarriage.
"I just achieved it! LATER!" He bellowed, as he was yanked away by the aircraft. He climbed up onto the fuselage and gave it's pilot, a brightly smiling Hinata Hyuuga, a passionate kiss.
"Mmm... Hehehehe! N-Naruto-kun! Not while I'm flying~!" Hinata moaned as Naruto continued to deliver his affections to her. Naruto chuckled.
"Relax.. One of my clones can pilot it, and besides, we haven't yet done it in a plane during a loop now have we?"
"OOohh, you naughty archaeologist..."
Sakura just gaped... And wondered why she felt so turned on.
More to come.