Hi guys! :)
Please be aware of the fact that this oneshot is a translation of my German one. (It's actually the first time I'm trying to write something in English). I am German, which means there are definitely some mistakes with the grammar, the structure of the sentences or maybe it's not understandable. Therefore I would appreciate it if you could review or PM me. I know, it's time consuming to write a review, but I really try to improve my English skills. That would help me a lot. Thank you!
Disclaimer: It all belongs to Stephenie Meyer!
And now, enjoy!
School, the institution for gathering knowledge you'll need for life and to bring up kids – the extension of this concept is for me reflected in just one word: hell.
Well Bella Swan, you're not the only one who imagines just the same. Which normal student in their right mind would state something totally different? No one, but what is supposed to be normal anyway?!
So what means normality for me? Pain, fear and disgust – this is my life. I wish nobody to be in my position, nobody.
A new school day dawned. What would it probably bring to her today?
Bella had difficulties getting out of bed. It was hard for her to finally get up. The morning was murky, no sunshine, nothing new for Forks which is constantly covered under a wet cloud.
Below noises could be heard. Charlie was in haste, his steps resounded vaguely on the wooden floor. She would still wait for a while, thus long, until her father would be gone out of the house.
Charlie was a great dad – quietly, reliable and affectionately. He loved Bella dearly; she was his one and only, his everything. If only for that she could not face him at this or any other morning, it would break him. It was enough that she felt like crap, but not him, her dear father too.
Charlie was a cop, maybe he could have helped. For sure he could have helped; however, he would break down during the whole process. Bella was strong, at least she thought so. The more often she talked herself into it, the rather she believed it. Charlie did not have to be involved, she would fix it herself. Yes, she would be strong, she would be free sometime. Sometime she would also see the light again which she already missed so long.
The door fell into the lock, Charlie was gone by now.
Bella opened her bedroom door. Slowly she went along the way to the bathroom. A miracle, it did not hurt any more. Still before a while she felt every fiber of her body and now? Nothing. No muscle ached inside of her as if her body wanted to suggest her that it wasn't that horrible after all. Or better, she would get used to it. Yes, she was accustomed to it. And what has this habituation made out of this pretty young girl? A zombie, a zombie who tries to feel as little as possible
Her feet touched the cold tiles of the bathroom floor, the first feeling which stretched through her body today. Pleasantly, even if it was icy. However, it didn't matter. It was just one proof that she was still alive.
Expertly and purposefully Bella proceeded to the shower. She turned on the tap, the water was cold as ice. She supported herself with one hand put against the wall. She held her head under the jet of water. Bella inhaled deeply when the cold water touched her skin. It should have cleared her mind and washed away all the thoughts she kept. They should disappear just like the water into the drain. But all of the memories came right back to her.
„Hello Isabella. "
His voice was rough and controlled. He stepped out of the shade of the house corner where he kept himself all along hidden. She had not seen him there. She could not have seen him at all. Why also? Who would still be in school at this time of the day? Bella was always the last to go, she had a key to the library. She loved books about everything. While reading she could live her dreams and create her own worlds around the books.
When she saw him for the first time, after his voice already invaded her ears, she was startled. Not shocked, but definitely surprised. What did that boy want from her? She knew him. He was 19, in fact two years older than Bella; he was in some of her courses. He had to repeat one or two classes because he had failed them.
His ice-blue eyes bored into hers. The gaze, he put on her, held her in place. She wasn't able to move.
A sick grin formed on his lips when he approached the girl. Bella did not know what to do, she just kept staring at him. What the hell did he want from her?
He circled her, just as he was the hunter and she was his prey. When he went around her, he positioned himself exactly behind Bella. He stroked away a strand of her hair which clung to her cheek, leant over her shoulder and whispered into her ear.
„So weak, so helpless. It's really a pity, Isabella. But you will not remain as innocent as you are right now. "
That was everything she heard of him. When she opened her eyes for the next time, she lay half-naked on the floor of the public library, still in school. Her innocence was stolen, her body was violated and every muscle of it ached.
Little Bella who had not seen yet a lot from the world did not exist anymore. From one instant to the other, the young girl turned into a ghost of her own self, which was scared as hell to go home and watch its own refection in the mirror.
She was shaking. Her skin ached from the icy water. But nevertheless, her head wasn't clear of thoughts yet.
She looked up, inhaled again deeply and turned the tap on hot. If she already could not think clearly, she at least wanted to be clean.
Her left arm stung a bit when the jet touched her skin. Fresh wounds hurt anyway if water hit on them, but this wasn't new to Bella. She knew it since a long time. It was not the first morning, when she cleaned her wounds and her stained body and thought it over and over again: Today I will be strong; nobody can hurt me anymore, above all not myself.
For months she told herself into it and where had she landed? Instead of coming out, she sank even deeper into her depressions and added to herself even bigger pain. She wanted to feel anything, no matter what it was, that was the reason. After the only attitude to life was robbed off her totally and irreparably in the most hideous way over and over again, only the knife could provide the circumstance to actually feeling better. At least for the time being, because every morning, always then when she exited from the shower and considered herself in the mirror, she regretted her actions against herself.
Her look was empty when she looked at her picture in the mirror. This was not Bella, no more. The woman in front of her was too thin and actually dead. This woman had experienced the awful and had allowed that she had to suffer again and again.
When she viewed herself after the first time in the mirror, tears ran down her face. She trembled dreadfully and collapsed in herself, gladly about the fact that also at that time Charlie was already at work.
However, today Bella could not cry any more. Her eyes were dry. The deep-brown eyes, which you gave once compliments, were only blank and dull now. No, this was no life any more. Her life was not hers any more. She was caught in a circle by fury, desperation and greediness of a man who wanted to hurt her continuously.
However, today this would stop. Today it had to stop. There was no other way. Now, finally, Bella wanted to get the upper hand back. Today was the day when she would finally start to live – a rebirth. But how?
She had an idea.
Today she would not go to school. The trot would be broken by her. Yes, this it was.
She went to her room.
Bella looked at her wardrobe. She took out a blue blouse and a skirt. She had once bought these things with a good friend of hers. She got dressed. Bella looked good, she regarded herself the first time for months again as nice. She ignored her cuts, they would destroy only her momentary pleasantly sensation.
Bella took her time, a lot of time; the first lesson had already begun. It didn't matter; this day was not like all the others. This day was special, who needs school anyways?
She pulled up her long mane in to curls, this made her look younger and her worn down face seemed immediately much more alive. Some makeup, just a bit not too much, yes, that's it. When was the last time she had put so much effort in her appearance? She didn't know any more, however it didn't matter the tiniest bit, because today was THE day!
Bella sauntered after one hour down in to the kitchen. She had to smile. In his haste Charlie didn't have the time to remove his dishes from the kitchen table. A slip of paper lay on the table.
Sorry Bells, I couldn't hold together my thoughts once again. I'll make it up to you, hon. I love you, Dad.
She removed all of his dishes. After that she went to the fridge and took a hefty gulp of orange juice right from the packaging. She made herself a toast with jam on top of it, this she ate preferably for breakfast – no better way to begin such an important day.
After about half an hour later, Bella sat down in front of the television and flipped through the channels. Nothing new out there, just as her English teacher used to say 'the same old, the same old'.
Now, with what to start when there is still so much time left and so little things to do?
Then it hit her out off the blue, she wanted to write to her mother. Renee waited since it seemed like forever for any sign of Bella. The last mail Bella's mom received was rather short and without any emotion. She deserved to receive cheerful news of her only daughter.
Bella sat down in front of her antique computer and waited patiently, until it flashed finally to life. She just had to wait for the modem to log her in on the internet.
I know, I have lately caused a lot of grief to you, but today I have very good news!
Mom, I feel amazing right now! I did not feel so alive in such a long time. Though in Forks the sun doesn't shine, it does in my heart. I'm fine, really I am and I want you to know that.
Mom, I am glad that you have Phil in your life. He is such a good person and I know that he loves you dearly.
Dad and I come along pretty well. He is just like me, but you know this. I love him very much; he has become a very important person to my life. Even if it hurts to be away from you, I am glad that I have gone to Forks. Dad needs me and I think I also need him. We two stubborn kids stick together :)!
Mom, I love you and Phil so much!
She decided to text some friends, she didn't contact in some time. This lasted if you think of the fact that her computer was already a senior citizen.
After other hours in idleness, it was time to start with the operation rebirth.
Bella took her backpack, threw in a few things she thought would be useful and considered her face a last time in the mirror. What was that? A light, Bella's eyes had the hint of a light in themselves. Her face became even more beautiful by a wide smile which stretched over her face. Yes, finally she really was beautiful, even to her.
She went down to the kitchen again and took a bottle of water.
Charlie's slip of paper still lay on the table. Bella took a pencil, turned around the sheet and wrote on it.
„Dad, you'll never change! Therefore, I love you so much! "
With these words she stepped out of the front door. And in such a way, as if it was predestined, the sky opened up and a few sunrays came down on the earth. A sign, it simply had to be one.
School was over long ago. Whether her torturer waited for her, Bella did not know it. She did not want to know it.
She had an aim, her beloved library. In spite of the bad experiences it was the place at which she felt fine. Here her dreams began, there they ended. It was an important place – in all the good and the bad ways.
Bella unlocked the door, which she just locked up again after she was in. Today at her special place she did not want to be disturbed.
It was musty, as well as always. Nothing had ever changed here. The shelves were covered with a light dust film. Who of the normal youngsters would get lost at such a place like this? The answer, non of them. No miracle that everything looked untouched. As well as Bella used to be, however, that was history.
She went to her favorite space, there where all the classical novels stood, which she loved so much. Here she could spend hours; however, today it did not come to the reading part.
Bella went to the middle of the small room, her room. Here she would begin; here the new life would finally start.
She sat down on the floor and positioned her backpack right beside her. She took out the bottle, which she remembered to take with her while still at home and the things from her room which she hastily shoved in her pocket. She drew out a box – sleeping tablets.
She opened her water bottle and put it beside her. Bella took the packaging – ten pills were in it. She squeezed them out and placed them right in her left palm. Now the bottle was firm in her right hand. „Well, show must go on probably does not apply completely in that case, humph. "
She brought her left hand to her mouth, threw back her head and swallowed all the pills at once. Then she took a hefty gulp.
She screwed shut the bottle again and stowed it away in to her backpack. Bella deeply inhaled and took the last object from her pocket. Sunrays reflected themselves on the shiny object.
Bella attached the knife to both of her arms and cut her arteries open.
She closed her eyes, lay down and waited for redemption to come.
Before she finally fell asleep, she noticed a faint breath of wind. She opened her tired eyes and looked straight in to the golden eyes of a young man. His hair was in a strange but lovely disorder. He had a sad smile on his pale lips.
His voice, identical to angel, resounded in her ears – could that be death? So nicely and fast?
„Bella, I know, you have gone through a lot of misery, but you cannot leave that easily. If you want my assistance I could help you to start all over again. You have my word; I promise to you, you will feel better. "
She searched for her voice – where had it remained? Please, she desperately wanted to answer to this god like person.
„Will you stay with me then? " Her voice was rough and faint. Bella hardly had any strength left; soon her body would not react any more.
He smiled, this time it reached his eyes.
„I will stay with you forever. "
Her eyelids shut; she could not answer any more. The only thing she still could feel was a gigantic heat.
Thank you so much for reading!
Please, let me know what you think. I promise to answer every review I'll get.
A nice day to everyone! :)