43All he knew was pain. No longer could he tell what was happening. Every ounce of life left in him was controlling his fear. He was strong. He would survive.
Snape was hanging from the ceiling by the shackles around his wrists. Dried blood and filth caked his body after three days of torture. Snape's throat was ravaged from his screams. Swinging slightly from the last whipping, Snape was sure his wrists would've hurt if he could've felt them. Every inch of his being was in torment. After two days without saliva his tongue appeared to have morphed with the roof of him mouth . It would not be long before Snape would reach the breaking point.
The sweat from his neck trickled down, leaving fire behind as they clung to open wounds. How could his body produce any liquid was beyond him, since a pool of his own blood had settled on the stone below him. He wondered whether or not the shrieking pain in his shoulders was caused by the nails Lestrange twisted into them or because they were disconnected from the weight of his hanging body.
The door hissed as it was pushed open. Snape could hear the uneven, shallow breaths peculiar to the Dark Lord alone. He walked slowly to where Snape hung. Voldmort's breath was hot against his throat. Snape could feel the hiss of the Dark Lord's voice before he heard it.
"Severus, tell me the truth. Better yet…scream it. Crucio."
His body was being torn, his spine was convulsing, it was breaking, his bones were snapping, there was no stop, there would be no end…
"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Snape screamed as he woke up.
Panting with murderous rage the realization that he was in bed took a second to register. As he sat up and scrubbed his face with his hands Severus could feel his back tingling from the memory. The bed was warm and soft. There was no Dark Lord any more. The world was safer. Snape laid down again. Slowly he convinced himself he was alone. That he was healthy and pain free. As he began to relax he closed his eyes and imagined a soft weight on his chest, the warmth of another human being, the sound of her breath. He could almost feel a face in his hands, soft hair tangled around his fingers. Before he could create details he pushed the fantasy away. It was better alone, no one to hurt, no one to be hurt by.
By the end of the day Severus was exhausted. He never got the full night of sleep he had been wishing for. It took him a few moments to realize why exactly he had been dreading this class in particular. He could feel her large brown eyes staring at him. Measuring his every move, weighing every gesture he made. Ignoring her these past months had been excruciating. It was the antithesis of what he wanted to do. Every inch of him screamed to stare at her. His eyes were so hungry, his mind so enthralled by her. Hermione was driving him insane. And no longer could he pretend she didn't exist.
She could feel herself shaking as she put her books on her desk. Any second he would come in. Any moment she could look at him without restraint. She shivered with dread. Hermione knew her face would betray all and he would know…
She tried to sit down as calmly as she could. She arranged her things and shifted awkwardly in her seat. Neville tried to strike up a conversation but Hermione was too frazzled to properly play along. After what seemed like a millennia, Snape swept into the classroom.
"I expect you all remember that I do not tolerate stupidity in my class. This year's course will break your spirit, haunt your mind and determine whether or not you have a gift for Potions. I suspect many of you will fail. I know all of you will regret your decision to take this course, especially under such a….strict guide. "
Hermione stared at him freely. If she could have eaten him with her eyes, she would have. Every detail of his face she mapped. Over and over again she ran her mind over his form. His presence was over whelming. Snape made her so nervous and yet she was giddy because she was in the same room as him. At one point he looked at her and Hermione felt all her organs twist in response. His face was expressionless, almost as if he was bored. Did he know about her obsession? Is that why he was avoiding her?
When class ended she grabbed her books and rushed out the door. Hermione didn't want to look at him. She didn't want to feel vulnerable. She didn't want to feel weak. It was apparent whatever happened on that battlefield had changed her. And it hadn't done anything to the cold potions professor.
Hermione felt like that night formed a connection between them. They had relied on each other; they had saved each other's lives. Why was she the only one affected by their bond? Torrents of anger rushed out of her. She was frustrated and emotional. Soon enough tears began to prick at her eyes. Hermione couldn't take it any more she turned around to go back. Before she took a step a hand grabbed her wrist and yanked her along.
"I don't know what to do!" Harry sobbed. He was in a ball on the prefect's bathroom's floor. His hands were in fists tearing his hair and he was shaking as he cried.
"Every night I dream of my parents dying. Then I watch my friends die. Then I'm the person killing everyone. I can't stop myself from killing my parents. It's all I can do. Every night it's like that. I wake up screaming. I have scratches all over me from trying to stop myself, trying to wake myself up."
Hermione didn't say anything. She knew all Harry wanted was her to be there. If he wanted her to talk, he would let her know. She felt so guilty. Harry had been bottling up his emotions, suffering in silence. Hermione had been so preoccupied she hadn't noticed how distraught he really was.
"…and everywhere I turn people are staring at me. I let their parents die, I let their brothers and sisters die. And every night I see their faces right before I cackle 'Avada Kedavra'. I can never escape it. I will always be a thing to star at, someone to blame. I'm so sorry. That's all I can say when I talk to people 'I'm sorry'. This little first year came up to me today and she told me I was her hero. Then she told me about how her mother died because of Voldemort. And I began to cry. I was crying because I knew I would dream of killing that girl's mother tonight. I was crying for myself, not her. And this kid starts crying too and she tells me I'm the greatest thing that happened to the world. As she's walking away, I can't help but feel like I'm the worst thing that happened to this world. I'm this selfish asshole. I'm the reason all this dying happened. I wasn't fast enough, I wasn't smart enough. Do you understand what I'm saying Hermione?"
"I know how you're feeling. You aren't all that Harry, the world doesn't revolve around your big head. You're not responsible for every person's death in the history of the universe" Hermione said dryly
Harry chuckled weakly in response. "But you know what I'm saying?"
Hermione sighed softly as she lowered herself slowly onto the floor next to Harry. "Don't be so hard on yourself. All you can do is live your life."
"Yeah? Because you're not hard on yourself? I see the way you've been since the battle. You're quiet and pale. You don't eat and you don't laugh." Harry said as he looked intently into Hermione's eyes. "You can always talk to me, I'm here for you."
"It doesn't have to do with the battle. I just…don't know what to do with this part of my life…"
"I don't believe you. I don't think that's all of it. You don't have to tell me, just know that you can." he said softly.
"I know. I'm here for you. Why don't we catch up with Ron and get some food at dinner?"
"That sounds like a good idea." Harry picked himself off the floor and looked in the mirror. "Maybe one day our lives will be normal. To think, your life could've been if you weren't my best friend."
"Never will I regret our friendship." Hermione glanced at herself in the mirror. "How am I more blotchy than you? That just isn't fair. You were crying longer than I was."
Harry shrugged his shoulders. "Probably the same reason you turn bright red when you are embarrassed."
"Don't remind me…" Hermione mumbled.
Harry laughed as they walked to the Great Hall. "You turn bright red, like a stop sign."
"Thaaanks for that Harry. That's going to make me feel even more self conscious when I'm embarrassed."
"That's what friends are for." Harry said happily.
Hermione couldn't help but grin. Maybe everything would be alright. For the rest of dinner Hermione felt like herself again. She laughed at Ron's antics like she used to, she found herself lecturing the boys on during their homework. She even found herself itching to read her textbooks. It felt like she had been teleported back to her childhood. Hermione was in the middle of her pumpkin pie when she felt someone looking at her. She glanced up and saw Professor Snape's black eyes watching her. Her stomach felt like she just jumped off a cliff.
Things would never be 'normal'. Not when she was obsessed with her Potions Professor.
For a moment he thought she was just as affected as he was. Snape swore that when he looked at her during class, she shivered. Now during dinner she looked completely content. He could distinguish her laugh from the rest of the noise in the Great Hall. Granger caught him watching her. The second their eyes met Snape felt like he was in a different dimension. He couldn't pull away from that gaze. That moment lasted a lifetime and ended only when she turned away.
What was going on? Who the hell was he any more? What was he doing? He was obsessed with a student. It was wrong in so many ways.