Update 1/30/14: Still making some edits. Unfortunately, there's not much I can do to save it.
The bashing is satirical. THE BASHING IS SATIRICAL THIS IS A CRACK FIC, PLEASE
The Bestest Date Like EV-ER Part 2
So there he was, draped in the muscular arms of the one he loved. The moonlight beamed down upon them and illuminated their flushed faces, making their eyes sparkle. Naruto was so caught up in this breathtaking moment that he never wanted to pull away from the Uchiha. That is, until-
"Heh, didn't know you were so eager to see me," Sasuke said with a smirk.
That annoying little smirk that is so sexy and so frustrating that you just want to bludgeon his head in with a baseball bat until nothing is left of that thing that shamelessly mocks a smile. Sadly, Naruto was too busy trying to interpret what he'd just heard to entertain that thought.
He yanked himself out of his arms and yelled, "Pervert!"
The scream echoed throughout the street. It seemed to be bouncing off of every surface possible. About six cat-calls, five whistles, three people stating 'Oh my!', and the sound of a homeless guy clapping later, Sasuke finally cleared his throat.
"I didn't mean it… like… that…" he said, looking thoroughly embarrassed.
Naruto blushed about three shades of red.
"Uh um, we should get going then, huh?"
"Hmph. You're right for once, idiot." He then started to lead the way to their destination.
"So where are we going anyway?"
"Well, we can't very well go to The Fancy French Club of Fanciness and Frenchiness now," he replied.
"Well why the fuck not?" Naruto questioned indignantly.
"Look at how you're dressed, dumbass." Again, there was that damn smirk.
"I happen to like the way I'm dressed!"
"Oh, don't get me wrong. You look hot. But you're definitely not dressed for such a classy place as that," he explained. "I guess I'll just have to take you to the ramen shop."
Naruto cheered loudly.
"Alright, Sasuke! You're the best!"
Internally, Sasuke was congratulating himself. One look at his clothes could tell you that he never intended to take him to The Fancy French Club of Fanciness and Frenchiness anyway. But of course, Naruto wouldn't notice that! Hehe, he was so smooth.
Currently they both sat at a table at Ichiraku's Ramen Shop. Naruto had wanted stools up at the bar, but noooo. The damn bastard had to have a table. Said it was more like a "date" or something. Bastard. They had been eating, talking, and getting to know more about each other throughout the night. Naruto had even stopped constantly blushing and had turned back into the loudmouth that Sasuke knew and loved! I guess he just had to get out of his shell. Overall they were having a really good time. That is, until-
"Saaaasuke! There you are! I heard that it's quite possible you have brain damage and think that you like this idiot. I'm here to help you and love you forever!" said an obnoxiously shrill voice.
'Oh god,' Sasuke thought, 'Please not them.'
Alas, it was them. Karin and the evil group of banshees behind her. The banshees consisted of a pinkette named Sakura and a blondie named Ino. Admittedly, the three of them were neither evil nor banshee-like in any way. They just let their popularity and obsessions with Sasuke blind them on more than one occasion. But really, how was he supposed to enjoy his dinner now?!
Naruto was quite worried. Sasuke looked pissed. What if he tried to kill the girls?! Then they would be kicked out of the restaurant! He looked down at his precious ramen sadly. He would never see it again if Sasuke tried to stab Karin with the chopsticks.
"Nooo, ramen!" Naruto sobbed out, earning him quite a few strange looks from the customers. Sasuke was used to it by now and kept his eyes solely on the trio before him.
"What do you want?" he asked with gritted teeth.
"Oh, Sasuke!" Ino piped up, "We're just trying to help you see that you can't possibly like Naruto over us!"
"Yeah," Karin cut in, "And don't you two hate each other?"
"My god! How many times do I have to tell you people?! You've even seen the dirty pictures of him that I keep in my locker-"
"-and you still don't get it! I like Naruto. Get it through your thick skulls that I-
"Did you say that you had dirty pictures of me?!"
"-will never stop liking him for as long as I live! Even if I didn't-
"Sasuke! Answer me, damn it!"
"-I wouldn't want to go out with any of you because I find your fanclub creepy as Hell. Now why don't you get the picture and leave me and my date alone."
Karin glared at him haughtily.
"Uh, rude. Come on girls, we don't need no basic bitch." With that, the three of them promptly left the premises. Sakura and Ino found love in each other and Karin went on to be a nuclear physicist.
"I think I handled that rather well."
"What was that about dirty pictures of me in your locker!?"
Meanwhile, back with Iruka…
"So you're saying that you, my coworker, my boyfriend, are Sasuke's guardian."
"And I'm Naruto's guardian."
"And you are my boyfriend."
"And you are also a teacher with me at my school teaching our children every day."
"That is so."
"And Sasuke and Naruto are going out, as well."
"Seems to be the case."
"Hm. What a weird coincidence, huh, Kakashi?"
"I guess you could look at it that way. Wanna make out?"
"You know if they come back I could always curse them," Naruto said.
"Curse them. I can make voodoo dolls, and I can make people have big nosebleeds, and I can put little potions into things that they drink that can make them foam at the mouth-"
"You could curse them?"
"Uh huh. You know the last time that I tried the foaming at the mouth thing they all thought he had rabies and guess what, his parents were freaks. They had all these rabies shots ready and were about to stick him with the first one-"
"Wait a second, you could curse them?"
"That's what I said. But I took pity on him and told them to actually see if he had rabies first. They found out at the hospital that he didn't. You see, I was getting revenge because he had thrown a slushie all over-"
"You can really curse them?"
"Yes, Sasuke! I can freaking curse them already!"
Sasuke then took Naruto's hand and said, "Where have you been all my life?"
It was finally time to go home. Sasuke proceeded to walk Naruto back to his house and, omigee, they were holding hands the whole time! How sweet is that, right? Ahem, anyway, they stopped right outside of Naruto's door.
"I had a really great time tonight, bastard," Naruto said, grinning from ear to ear.
"Me too, dumbass."
And with that, Sasuke leaned in to kiss him. Their lips touched, and for a brief moment everything melted around them. They soon pulled apart, both disappointed that their lips had to separate.
"Until tomorrow, Naruto. I'll be coming over for a visit," Sasuke said as he turned to leave.
"Does this mean that you're my boyfriend?" Naruto asked.
"No. It means that you are my boyfriend," he said with a smirk. Then he confidently strode away.
Oh that smirk… That smirk that strangely, Naruto didn't seem to mind anymore. He smiled to himself, pulled the bandage off his face, and looked at it.
'I didn't even need this, Kiba- Hey! Damn it, I told him no puppies! I probably should have checked it closer in the mirror,' he thought to himself as he walked inside.
He didn't even notice the two naked men under a sheet on the couch. What he did notice was that his cell phone had a new message from Kiba. He was just about to chew him out for the puppies when the words of the text message seemed to reach his brain.
Hey Naruto, you'll never believe this! Remember when you threw me out the window? Well I landed on someone. It was Jimmy! And guess what? It turns out his last name is Frisbee after all! Crazy, huh? ^^ Well anyway, after I landed on him we got to talking… and kissing… and, um… Yeah. We're going on our first date next Friday! Isn't life wonderful? Hope your date with Sasuke went well. P.S. IN YOUR FACE, YO
To say that Naruto was stunned was an understatement, but to say that everyone was happy was a given.