I can't remember if I've ever written angst or anything, probably going to continue this, but can't say how long that will be. Probably after I finish Frozen Souls, at least the first part. Violet Illusion is driving me nuts, among other things. Peace and War, I have not abandoned that, I swear, just collecting thoughts on it really, I'm trying. - Hey I kinda ended up promoting my stories of something, was totally unintentional, I was just ranting really. There's no need what so ever to actually read this comment at all. Anyone actually a fan of TidusXEd?
Disclaimer: I don't own FMA, FFX, or any of the characters used in this story.
Warning: Can you say angst, and lots of it.
A/N: Inspired by something, but don't ask me what, I just wanted to take up space and see how many I could annoy. lol. Oh yeah, and no one shoot me if I didn't spell her name right, Ed says it May, I think its' spelled Mai. Yeah. Enjoy.
A thread of gold amongst the eerie night lit by only the pale moon and what stars shone through the clouds in the sky. Such gold was tied back in a braid that the wind took to whipping about but didn't seem to bother the young man standing at the cliffs edge with golden eyes dulled from sorrow or weariness it was hard to tell in the night. The wind below created choppy waves along the ocean that hit the cliff side but the spray didn't reach the top where he stood. The nightly lights caught onto the metal of the right hand left ungloved though most of the rest of the arm was covered by a black sleeve to a black shirt that was no less of a plaything of the wind. Black pants and boots seemed immobile as they fit the figure snugly.
As the full moon finally won its' battle with the clouds pale light cast along the land and water casting a reflection back to the figure and seeming to bleach the color from his tan skin. The gold of his hair and eyes seemed to dim as well from the pale light turning gold threads a silver-like color and letting light reach golden eyes gazing unseeingly out at the water. It was somewhat calming in a surreal way that the sounds of the ocean and the wind and the darkness that was only illuminated by the pale light of the moon could stir thoughts he would rather leave buried deep inside.
But all the same he still returned each night to stand upon the cliff's edge and gaze at the night around him and the ocean below. He didn't think of jumping for his instincts would probably end up saving his life and he wasn't in the mood to feel more pain than the deep wound of grief from what had brought him to leave his home to begin with. No matter how much he longed to escape his memories he could not and he was sort of torturing himself by standing outside at night to bathe in pale light.
The house in which he stayed with his brother and his soon to be sister-in-law was a top a hill a hundred or so paces away. He was usually too tired by the time dawn came around to notice and too trapped in nightmares and thoughts of the past to take notice when he walked out of the house at the first signs of the approaching night. He longed to feel numb, but hollowness and greif and unbearable pain was all he ever felt, never the numbness he longed for. Drinking reminded him of the one that he lost that shattered his heart into the jagged pieces they lay in now. The moon in all its' paleness reminded him of the pale skin of his dead lover, husband, the one to finally give him something to live for after the stone and getting his brothers' body back.
The dark of night reminded him of midnight blue eyes that were almost black when they made love or the black of his hair or blue of the uniform he always wore. It never failed, every night he came to stand at the cliffs edge his mind drifted through all the memories of the years past. He wasn't more than twenty-four years old, had finally grown to an average height of 5'6" and knew what it was to lose everything at least a few times. For a while he'd lost his brother, though his soul was bound to a suit of armor his body was lost and on lonely nights when it seemed impossible to go on he'd longed to feel the warmth of another just as some form of comfort. His father had gone and left when he was still a small child and upon his return years later he was lost to them completely shortly thereafter. Their mother was someone they lost and could never replace even though they were foolish enough to try and bring her back.
Chaos, his life had been chaotic at best and now in this peaceful country that was not his home, in this place on the other side of the world from where his home once was it was chaotic in his mind, in his dreams, inside. Where his heart used to be was nothing but a gaping black hole that nothing could fill and nothing could mend. It was eating him alive from the inside and he would have let it kill him if not for his brother. He ate and slept and showered and did the other mundane things to keep his body alive because he couldn't leave Al, he couldn't do that to his only family after what they had just lost that brought them here.
The departure of his father, the heartbreak that in turn cast his mother to an early grave, the training he and his brother underwent seemed so far away but so vivid at the same time. The attempt and failure of trying to resurrect their mother was a nightmare he would never forget. The loss of his leg and Al's body, the giving up of his right arm to bind his brothers' soul to a suit of armor so that he didn't lose him entirely. Years of searching for the stone, for a way to right their wrongs, to get their bodies back.
Long, rough, eye opening years on the road where he had to learn the harshness of the world even though he strove to always look ahead, to look to their goal and focus on that alone. Al was the one to always remind him of the things worth fighting for, his pressence alone was enough to push him through and keep him going. As he grew up and started to notice different things about himself and about others he started to respect and even developed a crush on his commanding officer. After distance and time that crush became so much more and he was the one to instigate it, to take a leap of faith and hope that his feelings were returned.
When they were he truly was the happiest he'd ever been before that time. He didn't mind that they were discreet or that they had to continue acting as though nothing had taken place, he was a private person anyway and he wasn't sure he was ready to really tell anyone yet to begin with. He enjoyed the time he spent with him, could truly smile and laugh and was more open and trusting than he knew he could be with anyone that wasn't his brother. He didn't tell Al everything, he kept the darker truths to himself wanting his little brother to remain as innocent as he could, but he didn't have to worry about revealing the darker secrets he kept to his lover. They both had haunted pasts and regrets and dark secrets and they trusted one another and loved one another, could confide in each other and it was truly uplifting to finally have someone that he could turn to and lean on that felt as though he were old enough for him to do the same.
He could still remember the first time they'd had sex together and how afterwards he truly felt as though he did belong to someone and that someone was truly his to have. It was empowering and humbling and his feelings only continued to grow and that made it all that much harder to leave the comfort and safety he felt with him. But when he left he only fought that much harder because he finally had something worth fighting for that didn't seem out of reach. When he'd felt helpless, despaired, hopeless and like he was at the end of his rope he would return to his side and everything seemed like it would be alright again.
He finally found something that could stabilize him, something that was worth all the hell he'd already faced and worth whatever hell he had to face in the days after that. The smug bastard that was his commanding officer saved him from falling into a black hole in ways that not even Al's pressence could. Getting Al's body back, giving Al the chance to live his own life and be happy was worth more than his own life but having something that was his own, a way for him to have happiness pushed him through those last few years.
When they rose against the corrupt military, rose to fight against 'Father' and stop the homunculus he finally felt like all his goals were in reach if he could manage to survive. Mustang was badly wounded and he'd never been more afraid in his entire life, and his own father sacrificed himself to give him and Al their bodies back. Once the fight was over and the scars healed and he and Al got their bodies back to working shape again they went back home for a while but the entire time Ed had felt as though he were leaving home. He spent time in Resembool but ended up going back to Central. He resigned from the military and took a job as an alchemy researcher at a civilian lab.
He was sixteen when things between him and Roy started and eighteen when he finally returned to Central. Though Ed was legally an adult they still kept things discreet, Mustang was still part of the military after all. But this time around they had the entire package, they spent all the time they could with each other, told their friends and family that they were together. Ed felt a little guilty because Winry had looked so heartbroken by the announcement but after a few months she picked up the pieces as stubbornly as ever and moved on.
If he was entirely honest he would have loved her, would have been happy with her and ended up marrying her but Roy had stolen his heart beforehand and he never looked back. He never did pay attention to girls and now that he'd been with Roy he could honestly say he never wanted that to end or change. But it did anyway and without giving him a choice on the matter at all.
A few years went by and they were the happiest and most peaceful years Ed ever had. Before he knew it Winry was getting married to Havoc and expecting a child, he was the best man at the wedding and named the godfather. Then Al was engage to that princess from Xing. Winry had her wedding in Central and stayed there because that was where Havoc worked and because she could boost sales on her automail there. Al returned to Central after spending two years traveling and he returned with his fiance and they stayed. Everything was well and everyone was happy.
It wasn't long before Roy ended up talking everyone into leaving Amestrius for a while, wasn't long before Ed found himself a married man. He never thought he would ever be that happy in his life, to be married, to vow to forever be at someone's side. He enjoyed the stability, the feeling of having a home, having his family and friends at his side, he was happy and he finally had the chance to enjoy that happiness and enjoy being in love.
Ed clenched his fists at his side and shivered from the cold that settled inside him as he gazed up at the moon through tear glazed eyes that he was too stubborn to let fall. One day, just one day, one moment changed everything and ripped all of that away from him. The only ones to make it out of Amestrius alive were Ed, Al, and Al's fiance. She had grown in all this time, was now a strong, capable, determined young woman, more so after what had happened.
Somehow 'Father' rose again and his hatred and thirst for revenge cost them everything and nearly their own lives. But Ed didn't feel alive, he hardly felt anything that was worth living for only the pain, heavy, suffocating grief, loneliness, and the heartache were reminders that he was alive. He didn't taste the food he ate or the things he drank. He'd even started drinking milk because he truly couldn't taste it anymore and that had thoroughly scared Al. They didn't know about his return until the earthquakes and then the Xingneese princess had come running and telling all of them that they had to go that 'Father' had returned.
That time they were given was why the three of them were alive, but it wasn't enough time, never enough time. Ed couldn't blame her, Al was alive still because of her so he couldn't bring himself to blame her. Instead he had cast the blame on himself. If only I had noticed it sooner, if only I had stuck around and made sure the old man had killed him, if only I had blown the place up and torn up the circle and the arrays . . . But he had destroyed the arrays and Roy had blown the place apart and Al was there when their old man killed the bastard, it was him and Mustang that had carried Al to the surface after they finished off the humunculi.
Memories flashed across his mind, the screams, that red light, the faces of all those he cared for, the fear he'd felt for everyone and how helpless he'd felt. The light was closing in on them, was right behind them and it didn't look like they'd make it and then Roy have shoved him forward and out of the array. Ed had turned to try and cling to Roy, to pull him with him, to do anything other than having to watch him disappear. But as he pushed himself to his hands and knees and looked up, his eyesight blurred with tears because his subconcious knew what his mind was unable to accept.
He had stupidly reached out for Roy just as the light flared, grabbed his hand, tried to pull him out of the array but the light swept over him and took his arm from him yet again. The scream couldn't be bit down or held back because it wasn't the pain of losing his arm, it was the pain of losing Roy that had made him unable to stop the scream from being ripped from his throat. He had sat there numb staring at the spot where Roy used to be staring at where his eyes were boring into his own, apologetic, heartbroken, torn, yet still with unreserved love and it hurt and left him in a state of shocked horror.
Al later told him that it was Havoc and a still pregnant Winry that had shoved him and his fiance out of the array and that Ed had sat there like that screaming Roy's name until his voice was hoarse and he passed out from the shock or the blood loss. Mai managed to at least close off what was left of his arm so that he wouldn't bleed to death and together the two got Ed to Xing so that he could be treated and have a new arm fitted to him. They had automail in Xing seeing as replacing lost limbs was beyond the reaches of even their alchemy.
It was good automail but nothing like Winry's. Once he was healed Ed couldn't handle being in Xinghan, in a place where everyone had dark hair and pale skin. He met with Roy's relatives, told them what happened and then left refusing to stay even though Roy's mother had begged them to stay. Al, being the gentle and kind person he was wrote down their phone number and address and promised to keep in touch and let them know that they were alright. But not even Mai and Al wanted to stay there, it was too much, too many reminders, too much.
They reached this place at night and the moon and the ocean had called to Ed and they stayed. Ed hardly talked anymore, ate only to keep Al appeased and refused to go to town. He slept most of the day away now since he spent all night outside staring at the sky or the ocean. The winters were nothing like the cold winters in Central, they were chilly at best. He had developed a routine in the year and seven months that had passed since they arrived in this small country town. He showered, ate, sat in the living room lost to his own thoughts, ate again and then went outside when night fell. He returned at dawn and slept and repeated the process, two meals a day was the best he could do seeing as how he slept the morning away and woke an hour after lunch.
At first sleep was rare for him, he was always haunted with all the nightmares of his past and that day when Amestrius was completely obliterated. But Al had taken him to a doctor who gave him sleeping pills strong enough to force him into a dreamless sleep so that he could rest. Al still persisted to try and talk Ed into going into town everyday and accompanying him and Mai into town when they went to town once a week to buy food and other necessities and accommodations for the house.
When he was stuck in his 'if only' faze Al had gotten fed up with him and they had an argument and Al had won and engraved it in his mind that it wasn't his fault and there was nothing any of them could have done. It was really the despair and the raw emotions and grief that showed in Al's voice, his eyes, his expression, the tears he shed that made Ed finally give in and believe him.
Al had Mai to help him move on and even though they were brothers' it just wasn't enough for Ed to move on as well. He felt too hollow, like he was the walking dead, more completely alone than ever before. He was falling into that hole a bit at a time. While he kept his body alive everything else was already dead within him. Did mom feel this way when dad left? He admired her for that, for continuing on when she felt the way he did now, but she also had two kids to continue on for and Ed was finding it harder and harder to keep living with only Al to keep him going.
"Hey man, you're not gonna jump are you?"
Ed whirled around at the sound of an unknown voice, unlike what he usually would have done however he kept his hands at his sides instead of raised and ready to fight or be attacked. It wasn't worth fighting for, whoever this person was, whatever they wanted he didn't care, it wasn't worth fighting it anyway. He blinked a few times and furiously wiped the tears that had fallen down his cheeks without him realizing it. Then he truly looked at the stranger that had broken through his thoughts.
He stood a few inches taller than him and was a few feet away from him watching him curiously and with some worry in his expression. He had startling blue eyes, they were like rare gems, a crystalline blue that had a cerulean tint to them as well. Even in the pale light of the moon Ed could tell he was both tan and blond. Athletic build, looked as though he'd led a relatively cheerful life even though he did hold himself like a fighter. There was an easy confidence to him as well and wore mostly yellow compared to his all black. A yellow shirt, black leather pants, yellow, leather boots.
Ed was too startled by this guys sudden appearance and his question breaking through his thoughts to manage a reply. The guy didn't seem fazed by his lack of answering. He crossed his arms over his chest and gazed up at the moon.
"It's a nice night out, kinda windy, but hell its' always windy here," he let out a chuckle that made Ed's lip twitch with the urge to smile but he didn't.
He was still too wrapped up in the past and everything he'd lost to smile or laugh and this guy made him want to talk but he still held his tongue stubbornly. The guy just continued talking while he looked up at the moon.
"Most people would find the night too full of shadows to ever enjoy the peace it grants. The water helps too, I've always loved the water. Probably why I ended up just staying here when I came across this town."
So he was a traveler, that explained the confidence and why he'd need to know how to fight even though he lived in this town. He wasn't from this town. But who is this guy, why'd he show up and start talking to me all of a sudden? Had he been watching me, how long had he been wathing me? Did he spend nights on end watching me or something and just now decide to come up and start talking to me and pulling me away from my thoughts?
"I was just walking around trying to clear my mind so don't give me that suspicious look. I was thinking you were gonna jump or something."
Okay, that answers that but it doesn't mean I'm going to trust you right off the bat or anything.
Ed still didn't want to say anything to the guy and he tensed when the guy turned and faced him. There was a smile on his face as he said, "Names' Tidus by the way."
Ed nodded but still kept silent, it was a small town and if this guy really lived here then he would know his name or could ask around and figure it out. For some reason though, this Tidus guys' pressence was actually starting to ease the ache inside him just by being there. It unnerved and scared Ed a little bit that just meeting this guy was effecting him, he wasn't ready to have someone else in his life, he wanted Roy. Maybe if this guy proved trustworthy he might consider being friends with him or something, he kind of liked how this guy seemed laid back and cheerful. It was a contrast to how he felt and it was nice to have someone around him.
"Here I thought Al was just making you up, never see you around town or outside during the day or anything."
Tidus motioned somewhere further down the road in the direction behind Ed, "I live in the house up the road, more like a shed really but its' by the ocean so its' cool."
Tidus shrugged and still didn't seem fazed by Ed's silence, "There's no way the two of you aren't related now that I've seen you though. He talks about you and worried about you, but I get the feeling that's his nature or something, he seems to worry about a lot of things."
Ed snorted which brought a laugh from Tidus that resulted in stirring some warmth through Ed's skin at the sound and seemed to ease that ache inside him a little more.
"Even though you two look alike you do look like a walking dead guy though, no offense."
Ed managed a glare that just made Tidus smirk at him and then turn back to the night sky and the ocean, "If you don't mind the company I'd volunteer to sit out here with you for a while, it's nice having company when the darkness starts to creep into your head."
Ed shrugged but said nothing, he agreed with what the guy was saying, it was nice to have company on dark nights when your only companion was nightmares and haunting memories. They both sat down a good space apart and enjoyed the rest of the night in comfortable silence thinking and enjoying the comfort it brought just to have someone sitting there. Maybe there might be hope for Ed after all.