BPOV

He's gone.

Those words played over and over again in my head. A mantra that I couldn't escape from. I was numb. I felt nothing. I was empty. My heart, my life, it was all gone the moment he walked away. Edward Cullen was gone.

Of course, it all made sense once I was able to really look at it. Why would he want me? I was "so human." Riddled with imperfection. Edward was perfect in every way. I don't really know why I ever let myself believe that he loved me in the first place. It's just that I had never wanted anything more in my life than to be with Edward forever. I didn't deserve him, though, and I knew it. He knew it. He as much as told me so when he left.

I don't know what to do now. I can't breathe.

Charlie, as good as he was at giving me space, couldn't keep away. He was so worried about me. I can't blame him. I was nothing more than a zombie. I could hear him talking to the doctor downstairs. The doctor wanted to put me in a hospital for conditions like mine. I knew what he meant, but I didn't care. Charlie wouldn't hear of it, though. He called my Mom. She came the next day and started to pack up my room. I screamed and threw a fit, but finally resigned myself to the knowledge that I could wait in Forks forever and a day, and Edward still wouldn't come back to me.

It will be as if I never existed, he said. I think it was the other way around. I think that perhaps in his mind, I was part of his long buried past. I didn't exist to Edward Cullen. Not anymore. So. . . I went. I kissed Charlie goodbye, got on a plane, and went to Florida to be with my Mom and Phil.

I finished high school in Jacksonville. Phil had gotten a somewhat steady job and they had a nice house with plenty of room for me. We were close to the beach and I spent a lot of my time there, just passing time. That was all that was left for me now - to watch the time go by.

After graduation, my parents & Phil pressed me into going to college. I guess that at 18, I really couldn't just sit and wallow in my misery all day. I had to get on with my life, even if I didn't feel like I had one any more. Who was I now, without Edward?

I went to a local college so that I could stay with Mom and Phil. My first day of classes was okay. I figured out where my classes would be and actually enjoyed some of the electives I was taking. I have always had an interest in classic literature, so the first few assignments in that class would be a breeze. I had chosen a seat in the back of the room for my first literature class when a student came to sit beside me. He was tall, attractive and looked nervous. I noticed him looking at me, but really didn't think anything of it. I was so used to that from Forks High School that it didn't really register with me at all.

As the semester continued, I noticed that he would always choose the seat next to me, no matter where I sat. I didn't mind, but mostly because he kept to himself. I would give him a polite smile, and he would smile back. There was no more than that until close to the end of the semester. I watching him walk up as usual, but this time there seemed to be something different about him. He looked at me, took his usual seat beside me, and didn't look away.

His name was Mark and he said that he noticed I had been doing quite well in the class and admitted that he was having some trouble. He asked for my help as a tutor, of sorts. My first instinct was to say no, but since I had recently decided that I no longer could stand to wallow in self misery, I decided to give it a shot. Besides, I really needed a friend. I agreed and we set up a time to meet and talk about the assignments. I selected a neutral setting - the student's center in the middle of campus.

We met that day, and once a week after that for the rest of the semester. It was nice to have someone to talk to that didn't know anything about my past. Someone who knew nothing of Edward. Could I move on with my life? I had to.

Mark was patient and kind. He could tell that I was hurting and he never pushed me to talk, but talk I finally did. I started to look forward to our weekly meetings, relish in them even. It was like the giant hole in my heart was starting to ease, just a little, at the edges. Mark was no Edward, but he was a good friend. He knew I was broken and he didn't care.

Weekly turned to bi-weekly, then eventually, every day. Goodnight pecks turned into heated kisses and I knew that Mark was helping me to heal. It felt good to be with him and know that someone out there really did want me. Edward didn't want me, but Mark did. I still loved Edward with all of my heart, but I found that I could also love Mark. I would love Mark. I would choose this.

Mark proposed. I accepted, and then cried all night long. Would Edward forgive me? I pushed the thought from my mind. This is what he said he wanted for me, after all, to move on without him. I knew that I would never love Mark the way I did Edward, but I also knew that it would be enough and I cared about Mark enough to give him all that I had left of myself.

We were married in the summer after our Freshman year of college. It was just a small ceremony. I knew Alice would have gone crazy with the lack of decoration and detail that I allowed, and it made me chuckle just to think of what she would say. I wondered if she knew, if they knew. I wondered if they ever thought about me at all. That was silly, though, wasn't it? They left me, without so much as a goodbye. It still stung to think that I was so wrong about their feelings for me. I could be sure of Mark's feelings, though, and those were the ones that I clung to.

I gave myself to Mark in every way on our wedding night. It took me some time in the bathroom, crying and rocking back and forth before I could go through with it, but I did it. I had been planning to give this gift to Edward, but he didn't want it. What man would? How could I offer this to Mark? Would he want me? He did. He loved me completely. I willed myself to see only him as we made love that first time. I really did love Mark, but in the back of my mind, tormenting me, Edward was always there.

Phil got an offer for a job back in Phoenix, so he and Rene sold the house and moved back. Mark and I had found a nice 2 bedroom apartment to rent close to the beach.

Six months after our wedding, I was late. My period had always been like clock work, but this month, no period. I was terrible about remembering to take my pills every night - had I forgotten again? Could this be happening? I waited a few days more, then couldn't stand it. I bought a pregnancy test, and while Mark was out, I used it and waited the longest 3 minutes of my life before looking at the stick.

Pregnant.

I had been healing with Mark. Things were finally good with me. He loved me so completely and honestly. It was really more than I had ever hoped for. Now, we would bring a child into this life and that could only extend our joy. I couldn't wait to tell him. Every Tuesday night, we had a date night. Things were so busy with work and classes that we had carved out this time each week to just be together. This Tuesday night would be the most special one yet. Mark and I got ready for our dinner out and hopped in the car. We were going to our favorite Mexican restaurant and I couldn't wait. I was hoping that Mark wouldn't immediately notice that I was passing on my usual margarita this time.

Mark turned onto the street where the restaurant was and I saw light coming straight at us. The impact was deafening. All was going black. Mark. . . Mark. . .where are you?

He's gone.