CHAPTER 2

The chief ordered the station stood down for the rest of the shift. We weren't allowed to leave but we weren't allowed to run calls either. Because of the way the scene had run, Roy and I hadn't been responsible for the patients transported to Rampart. We never even saw them. As we headed back to the barn, I wonder if I would feel better if I could have treated one of them. The feeling of uselessness still hung in the air. God, I hate feeling useless. Isn't this why I became a paramedic? So, I wouldn't have to feel useless on these type of calls.

No one spoke as we backed into the bay and parked the trucks. I headed to the showers. I had to get the smell off of me. I knew I couldn't take a long shower, everyone else would want one also. It felt good to have the hot water run over my sore muscles. The smell was still there when I finished. It was as if it had permeated my skin. I wonder how long I will have to live with this smell of death? Can other smell it coming off of me?

When I came out of the latrine I thought I had walked into a ghost town. No sounds, no movement, nobody was around. I wandered around the engine house to see what everyone was doing. The 6 of us had always been close. I even counted Chet as one of my friends. I knew we needed to stick together but it didn't seem to be what was happening. Other times, other calls we hung together. We talked about the call and it made me feel better. But no one was talking.

In the kitchen I found Chet sitting on the couch petting Henry. He was talking quietly and I couldn't understand what he said. He looked sad. I didn't say anything because I knew he valued his privacy almost as much as I valued mine. I quietly exited the kitchen to see what my other crew mates were doing.

I left the kitchen and headed back into the bay. As I passed by Cap's office I noticed his door was closed. It was like being hit with a hammer. It was a rarity for his door to be closed unless someone was in trouble or dealing with something else on a personal level. Not having noticed anyone do anything wrong on the scene I wondered if I missed something. As far as I knew there were no problems with any of my friends. Because of everything going on, I assumed Cap was in his office doing his report.

Rounding the squad I spied Mike wiping down Big Red. It always amazed me how Mike took care of the engine. You could practically eat off of it. I have been in a lot of houses where the engineer did the minimum expected and nothing further. When an engineer gets sloppy it puts people's lives on the line. Sloppy engineers mean equipment that doesn't work. Bad engineers often have difficulties controlling the engine while on a run. You never want to be in front of an engineer that can't control their truck. But Mike was the best. He took pride in his work and his engine. Going into a fire with Mike at the pump panel gave you a sense of peace. Mike would take care of you. Mike would make sure you had water. If he couldn't get something to work I truly believe no one else on the department could. He was the example of the idea engineer.

The bouncing of a ball led me to the back yard where Marco was playing basket ball. He didn't notice my watching him. He was concentrating on getting the ball in the net, everything else was going to have to wait. He prayed sometimes out loud but mostly to himself. He had been here before. He still didn't understand it but he knew what was happening. I talked to him after his cousin was killed by a drunk driver. It was tough, I understood but couldn't tell him. No one knew…

I strolled into the dorm and found Roy on the phone. Roy always called home to talk to Joanne after a bad run. He told me once that it was a way to make him feel that everything was right in his world. He would go home and hug his kids a little tighter and maybe a little longer. Then he would try to appreciate his wife and children a little more.

Backing out of the dorm I decided to head out doors. The walls were closing in on me. I needed space. I needed to find some place to hide away from the memories. I walked out back and climbed the hose tower. Marco never noticed as I walked to the tower ladder. I prayed to the Spirits to take care of the souls which were lost, injured, for their families and for mine. I looked up into the sky and found it to be devoid of stars. Usually I would be able to see the stars and it would remind me of home. The evening sky filled with stars always centered me and gave me a sense of peace. Tonight even the stars wouldn't shine for us.

Too many memories were assaulting me. I didn't want to remember. I wanted to go home and get away from everyone before they figured out something was wrong.

CHAPTER 3

Johnny had been sitting for about an hour when he heard the chief's car pull up. It was followed by another one he recognized as his friend Kel Brackett. He was curious but not to the point of wanting to climb down to find out what was going on. He didn't want to talk to anyone and he didn't want anyone talking to him. All he wanted was to be left alone with his thoughts.

As the occupants of the cars piled out, Johnny found he recognize them. Chief McConnike was followed closely by the department Chaplin, Capt. James. The other car had held Dr. Kelly Brackett and Dixie McCall. Johnny couldn't understand why such a strange conglomeration of people were gathering at the engine house. He didn't remember anyone getting hurt or doing something wrong. But maybe they had…maybe the crew was about to find out what had gone wrong out there.

51

They gathered in the parking lot for a moment before heading into the engine house. Marco had stopped playing ball when the cars had pulled up. He stood bouncing it back and forth waiting to continue his play.

"Lopez why don't you head into the kitchen. We are going to have a quick meeting." Without saying a word Lopez grabbed the ball and walked back into the house.

The silence was eerie as they entered the bay. Every foot step could be heard as it echoed off the walls of the bay. A shiver went up Dixie's spine. Kel noticed and placed his arm around her shoulders. He too was put off by the God awful silence.

"Why don't you make yourselves comfortable in the kitchen. I will be in in a moment. I'll go get Hank and see about getting this started." The others complied and Chief McConnike made his way to the Captain's office. He knocked but heard no response. He knocked again, and again there was no response. He turned the knob and entered the darkened room to find Stanley sitting behind his desk. His concern for the crew of 51s grew. He knew he wasn't suppose to have a favorite crew but 51s held a special place in his heart. This crew had been through a lot through the years and had held tight as a family.

"I didn't want to be disturbed." Stanley stated as he looked up. "Oh, sorry Chief. I…ah…I didn't know it was you. I had just wanted a few minutes alone. Can I help you with something?" Hank was scrambling to stand up as a chief officer had entered the room but it didn't seem as if his body would cooperate.

"Hank relax and stay seated. Actually I am hoping I can help you and your men. How are you doing?" The concern was evident in his voice. He had been at the scene and knew what these men had been through. He had immediately taken the men out of service after the call and had gathered a few groups of people to help him take care of his men. The other responding stations had also been put out of service and other groups with Chief officers were headed their way. He choose to go to Station 51 because of his history with Hank and the closeness of these men. They had seen the worse of it. If anyone was to need help it would be these men. He didn't want to lose one of them because he didn't take the time to check on them.

"We're alright, I guess. I...ah… Chief, I don't really know." Hank shook his head. He had been so caught up in his own thoughts he hadn't checked on his men. "I came in here just a few minutes ago when we returned and haven't really talked with any of them yet."

"Hank, you have been in quarters for over an hour." The realization of how much of an impact this call had had on his men was striking him in the face as he watched Hank. His eyes were vacant. His behavior was not what he had expected.

"Oh my God. I didn't realize it had been that long. I have been sitting here trying to figure out how to even start the report and…" Hank stared at the desk top. He couldn't believe he had abandoned his men. He knew they needed him. He only meant to do the report. Feelings of guilt washed over him as he began to worry about his crew.

McConnike crossed over to Hank and placed his hand on Hank's shoulder. "Don't worry about the report. Let's take care of you and your men. I have some people here to talk with you. I hope it will help."

CHAPTER 4

As the group entered the kitchen they found Chet Kelly still sitting on the couch with Henry. They all knew Chet to be a rambunctious ball of energy. To see him sit so still and not notice them walking into the room was disconcerting. Capt. James was the first to speak. "Chet, could you gather the men together? We need all of them to come in here. Chief McConnike and Capt. Stanley will be in in a moment."

Training had taught Chet to recognize an order when he heard one. Any chief officer requesting you do something was an order. Without saying a word he left the room and went to gather the men. Slowly they filtered in. Each circled over to the coffee pot and made themselves a cup of coffee. Each then grabbed a chair at the table as they normally would when eating. Each remained silent. Johnny was the last to enter. Chet hadn't been able to find him at first but Johnny had appeared from outside.

Chief McConnike and Hank entered the room to find most of the men gathered at the table. Hank eyed each of his men to see how they were doing. He could see the pain in their eyes. He berated himself for not taking care of his men and thinking of himself. He crossed over and made himself a cup of coffee. Johnny joined him and made a fresh pot. Johnny wouldn't make eye contact with any of them.

Capt. James, Dr. Brackett and Dixie stood by Chief McConnike's side. Hank joined them and refocused his thoughts on his men. "Gentlemen, we are stood down for the night. Chief McConnike, Capt. James, Dr. Brackett and Miss McCall are here to talk to us. I would like you all to feel free to speak. They are here to help in any way possible. Do you have any questions?"

"Cap," Johnny hesitated a moment then continued, "I have a couple of questions, if I may?"

"Sure John, go ahead."

"Well, first of all did we do something wrong? Is that why they are here?" Johnny had run the call over in his mind after seeing who the guest were to arrive. He didn't remember anything going wrong. He thought of the victims he and Roy had handled. There wasn't anything else they could have done. But if that were the case then why were Kel and Dixie here with the Chief?

Chief McConnike stepped forward to address this question. He never intended for the men to think they were in trouble or that this was an investigation of any kind. He wanted to help his men. He had heard talk about firefighters have difficulty dealing with calls. The rate of firefighters drinking themselves to death or flat out quiting the service were staggering. No one wanted to talk about it but it was a problem. "No, Gage there was nothing done wrong. None of you are in trouble. We are here to help you to get through this. This is not an investigation."

"Ok, then…sir, do we have to participate in this…what ever you call it?" Johnny hated to talk about his feelings or things that were truly close to his heart. This call had struck him hard and he wasn't prepared to deal with it right now. Too many memories were haunting him at the moment. He didn't want the others to think he was weak. He needed time and distance to get a grip on things.

"We would like you to participate. I ask you to give us a chance to help. Participate as much or as little as you want but yes, you are required to stay here while we have this debriefing." Chief McConnike turned to look at the others. They knew these men and they knew this was going to be difficult. Looking at the others he continued on, "I would like to turn this over now to Dr. Brackett. Dr. Brackett will be conducting this meeting. Capt. James and I will be here to answer questions for you that Dr. Brackett and Nurse McCall are unable to answer. Dr. Brackett, if you would."

Kel stood before his friends. He saw the haunted look in their eyes and knew he needed to help them. He and Dixie had talked often about who helps those who help others. Now they were about to find out how well these men were willing to accept a helping hand. "Gentlemen, I know you probably don't want to talk about this call right now. But, we think it would be helpful for you to be able to say what you feel, to get it off your chest if you will. At the end we are going to give you some information you may find helpful. You all know us. We are not here to judge you or what you did. We will not repeat anything you say here and we ask that you not repeat anything said here as well. Is this agreeable?"

Johnny looked to Chet making eye contact as they shook their head in agreement. Johnny had no intentions of participating but felt he needed to reassure his friend that he would not say anything about this meeting. All of the men agreed to the rules. No one understood why this was being done. Capt. Stanley had been in the service for a number of years but had never been through anything like this. He wasn't sure what to think about it but was willing to give it a try.

"That's fine gentlemen. Let's get started. The purpose of this debriefing is for each of you to air what you are thinking of feeling in regards to this call. If there are any questions you want to ask of each other or of the Chief this is the time to ask them. Who would like to start? Tell us what you saw, did, felt or what you are thinking at this moment." Kel looked around expectantly.

For a full minute no one spoke. Kel had initially figured no one would be willing to participate. The fire service was long known for not wanting to talk to outsiders. He hoped being as close as he was to these men it would give them more freedom to speak. As he looked around the room he wondered if that would be the case. He assumed Johnny wouldn't be the first to speak since he asked if he had to participate. Kel was keeping an eye on him because of his mannerisms. He was concerned for his friend.

Just when he was about to give up on one of them volunteering he heard someone clear their throat. He looked up to see none other than Mike Stoker as he leaned forward with a determined look on his face. Normally Stoker would be considered the quietest one of the group. In the few dealings he had had with Mike he never appeared to be one to share his thoughts or feelings. Not that he was an unpleasant man but merely one of few words.

"I guess I could start this thing." Again clearing his throat he reached for his coffee to get a drink. He really didn't want to talk but he figured it was important for one of the to get the ball rolling. He studied his hands folded on the table and never looked up. "I have been out in the bay since we returned. It probably sounds strange to you but I wanted to get that God awful smell off of the engine. I swear it was there when we returned. I don't think I will ever forget it." As he looked around the group he noticed the others nodding their heads. "As the engineer I worked with everyone here, brought equipment and helped out where ever I could. I don't know if there is something else I could have done? Is there something that I could have done better to help you guys? I felt…useless. It just didn't seem as if anything we were doing was going to make a difference. I don't know it was just so…" Mike couldn't continue, he shook his head and took another drink of coffee.

Roy had been thinking and couldn't pick one thing any of them could have done differently. "I know what you mean Mike. I keep replaying the call but I don't think we missed anything. I don't think we could have done anything different. Nothing that would have made a difference. Johnny and I have all of this training and here I was looking for someone to help but there wasn't anyone to work on. I'm not a very religious man but God, the Spirits, what ever each of us believes in had made the decision before we arrived. It felt like we were just there to confirm it for the families left behind. I just wish I could understand how it happened. Or why?"

"I don't think we will ever know." Marco continued to stare at his cup. His voice was low but everyone heard him. "They were speeding. They were drinking. Those two just don't mix. Add in they were inexperienced drivers and disaster was bound to happen. When my cousin was killed, " he paused looking up to the supporting eyes of Johnny, "in a drunk driving accident I asked why and how. I never got the answers. Maybe there isn't one. I know I should be grateful two of them survived but I just wish we, our crew, could have saved one. I will pray for the families, for their souls and for the two who survived. They were probably good kids…like my cousin. They just made a bunch of wrong choices tonight. It's hard to explain to a teen about death. They don't want to listen to us old people. They have this feeling that it could never happen to them. But it does…it does happen to them. My cousin wasn't drinking. She wasn't doing anything wrong. It was the guy in the other car that made the poor choices that night. If he had just slept it off or not drank…maybe Anna would still be alive today."

No one spoke for a moment. Kel was just about to when Hank stood up. "I think the important thing for all of us to remember is we are good at our job. We did what we could. I am very confident in each of you and in your skills. If they had had a chance, I know we would have given it to them. But like Roy said it was over before we ever got there. And yes, they were young and they made a series of bad choices. And yes the result was fatal mistake. Unfortunately, they won't have the opportunity to learn from this one. But we as a group did everything we could have done. There just wasn't anything for us to do. I guess that's the hardest part for all of us. We are trained to respond to an emergency, to take care of the injured and the not so injured. We never expected or wanted the job of standing by while there was nothing to do. We can usually find something to do, something to try to make a difference…but we couldn't tonight."

Chet thought about what had been said. He had been quiet until now. He just needed to know the answer to the one question that had plagued him since he had returned. "Cap, we run on bad calls all the time. Why is this one different? Have we grown so cold hearted we don't even care unless we are faced with a mass tragedy? I didn't get into this job to lose my compassion. I got into this job because I cared about people."

"No Chet I don't think we have lost our compassion. I don't know how you feel but I can tell you how I do. I think this one is worse because they were so young. Heck, I was looking at them thinking about my own girls. They're about the same age. I guess what bothers me is that they had their entire lives ahead of them and now it's over. I don't think we are cold. If we were we wouldn't be sitting here right now. We wouldn't be doing our jobs any longer. We wouldn't be thinking or feeling what we do right now. I think we are usually able to… take the time for it to all absorb. We were hit time and again on this call with out the ability to…I don't know how to put it…to set it straight in our heads. Maybe we should have been talking about calls like this all along. Let's work this out so it helps us the next time we are faced with something like this."

Johnny sat and listened. As the youngest and newest member he didn't feel it was his place to talk. He didn't want anyone to think less of him for having a hard time with the call. He heard what the others had to say and realized they were saying some of the same things he felt but it was different for him. He hadn't earned the right to feel like them. They had years on him. He was new, comparatively, he needed to be tougher or he would never become one of the old guys. Isn't that what his previous Captain had said. "You better get thicker skin boy or you ain't goin' ta make it in the fire service. This here is a job for real men, we don't need a pansy ass crier. Toughen up or get out."

Johnny had never listened to anyone at the fire house talk about a call as they were doing right now. He didn't know others thought about the calls as much as he did. Mostly he didn't know that the guys didn't expect him to be able to handle this, this was extreme. They were having a hard time with it and didn't expect him to be having any easier of a time.

51

Again the silence filled the room. Dixie stepped up and looked at each of the men. She was surprised to see how much they had actually said. It wasn't the amount of words but the content. She didn't think this was going to work when they got the group together. She thought it was going to be like pulling teeth. But she was happily wrong. Maybe she and the others could make a difference.

"As some of you know…" She took a deep breath before she continued. She didn't normally talk about these things but felt it important to give what she was about to say a little perspective. "I served in Korea at a M.A.S.H. unit near the front line. We were one of the busiest units and had a high success rate. I was there for 15 months, 4 days and 3 hours. Not that I was counting or anything, but I was just like everyone else there, I wanted the war to end and I wanted to go home. When I left I was transferred back stateside and assigned to a VA hospital until my discharge."

"It was tough to come back here. I knew there was no one for me to talk to, no one understood what I had seen or what I had done. No one acknowledged us as having been victims of the war, not even the VA. But we were victims. Now, with Nam ending and the boys are returning we are just now starting to realize the importance of helping our them deal with returning to the states and to their lives. The VA has a lot to learn about helping veterans readjust to 'normal' life. They are just now starting to understand that soldiers subjected to terror and tragedy are in need of help to return to what they left behind. None of us are who we use to be. We can't undo or change what we have seen or done. But we try to learn to cope. Every day is a challenge. I know I am different than when I went but it helped make me who I am today."

She looked at Kel and gave him a small smile before she continued. "I had a hard time when I got back. Sometimes I still have nightmares about what I saw… but I get up every morning and carry on. And when I need help I reach out to friends."

The men sat mesmerized. They had always known Dixie to be a tough caring women. She had seen the horrors of war and the horrors they brought to the hospital daily. Her sunny disposition at the hospital never let anyone know the horrendous things she had seen. Her calm and professional attitude never gave an indication that she was ever having a bad day or maybe she was having a hard time dealing with what was going on.

"Like our veterans we are just starting to realize the toll these calls take on you as rescue workers. You deal with terrifying situations and see tragedy on a regular basis. To top it off you are often presented with the fact that the families are their watching what you do and what is happening with their loved one. You are the ones that all too often have to tell someone in the field that their loved one is beyond help. And what do we do… we expect you to just go on and deal with it. Why the service hasn't recognized this before is beyond me. I'm sure some of the older guys have told you to suck it up and be a man." She looked around the room and saw several heads nod. "Keep in mind these are the same men who turn to alcohol, end up divorced and or just downright miserable. We need to learn to recognize in each other the same things we recognize in our patients. We need to learn to care for each other. And…you need to let us help you. I lost some good friends after returning from the war. They never could deal with what we saw. I don't want to lose any of you." She looked around the room and saw recognition in their faces.

Dixie turned and sat down. She had tears in her eyes but refused to acknowledge it. She thought about all she had said and all these men had been through. Kel had been surprised to hear Dixie still had a hard time with her memories of the war after all these years. He knew he needed to make a point to be more aware in the future. But for the moment he needed to take care of his other friends. These men before him were in immediate need. He reached over and griped her shoulder as he got up to talk to the guys.

"After a tragedy it is hard to understand why people can go on laughing and acting like everything is normal and right, when for you it isn't. The world changes and you have to change with it. You are in a profession fighting a daily battle. You race against a clock that is started before the first phone call is made. Sometimes it seems an impossible battle. It's important for you to take a moment for yourselves. Remember what you were taught in your classes. You can't help someone if you become a victim yourself." He paused and let what he said sink in. "If you need one of us call. I'll help any way I can." Dixie smile and nodded to the men as well. They all knew she would be there for them if needed.

"In the days and weeks to come you may find yourself experiencing any number of signs of depression. It seems people can go to one extreme or the other. You may experience a sense of isolation or apathy, begin working out more than normal or have a loss of appetite. You may start drinking, smoking or even doing drugs. I have treated you all enough to know none of you do drugs," holding up his hand to stop the onslaught. "I am not suggesting you have a problem. I state this because some people find themselves looking in that direction. You may experience nightmares or have flashbacks. If you see yourself headed down one of these paths, call one of us. We will help. We will get you through this. It does not mean you are weak to ask for help. It means you are strong enough to know when you need help. Do you have any questions?"

Johnny never looked up as they were speaking. He didn't want to hear it and he didn't want to be there. It was getting to be too much for him. As a result he didn't see how the others were reacting. He also didn't see the concerned looks of Kel and Dixie as they kept an eye on him.

Almost as an after thought Kel added, "I want you to keep an eye on each other. If you see someone needs help, call us."

Captain James added, "I understand what you are going through. I will leave a few cards here for you."

The Chief stood to address the men. He had watched how they had reacted and his concern was still there. He hoped they had gotten through to these men. Only time would tell. "Men, please seek help if you need it. My door is open. We are going to go now. We would like you to remain here until the end of your tour. I have called B shift and they will be coming in an hour early. You know my number and where to find me. If you need some time off let me know." He paused for a moment and lowered his voice. "I want you to know how proud I am of you. You did a remarkable job under tough circumstances. Good night. Hank, I'll call you tomorrow. Take care of yourself and your men."

CHAPTER 5

As soon as the chief and his group left the men began to talk a little amongst themselves. That is with the exception of Johnny. The walls were closing in again and he needed space. He walked out back and returned to his sanctuary. No one thought anything of this as they were wrapped up in their own grief.

They knew they had done all they could but sometimes that didn't matter. Saying it was the will of a higher power only reinforced the feeling of uselessness.

51

Johnny couldn't wait for B shift to arrive. He wanted to leave. He didn't want to keep sitting around knowing he wasn't going to get a call to distract him from his memories. He needed to get away and that was exactly what he had planned. He was going to escape. He needed to run. To run away from the memories. He needed to find a little peace.

He thought about the next couple of days. The crew was going on their days off. Johnny would go camping. This always helped clear his mind. He hoped this time it would work. He was afraid it wouldn't.

Dawn had broken while they were in their debriefing. The arrival of B shift was a blessed site. As he left the engine house he didn't acknowledge his other crew members. B shift remained respectful as they had heard about the tragic call on the radio and morning news before coming in. They watched as A sift went through the motions but didn't seem to really know what was happening. They had no idea of what to do to help their friends.

Hank Stanley stood in the doorway of his office and watched as his crew left. He planned to call each member and see how they were doing. He wanted to have them over for a barbecue. He needed to take care of his men. The guilt of not having done so after the call was eating away at him.