CHAPTER 8

That evening Hank started making his calls. He was pleased to hear how good everyone sounded. Each man he spoke to had found his own way to come to peace. Not everything had been settled and he knew there were still going to be some tuff moments over the next few days but for now everyone seemed to be handling thing alright.

Hank sat back in his chair and stared at the picture he had of his crew. Each man was special. Each man brought something different to the crew. Mike and Roy were often his confidants. They were mature and understood the stress of command. Mike as second in command often spoke with him of what it was like to be a captain and re-run calls they had been on to better understand the ways of command. Roy was the family man. With Roy, he often spoke of the difficulties of raising a family when you were away from home so much and of how their families dealt with the dangers of the job. Marco was the religious one. Marco showed an openness to pray and talk about his beliefs that wasn't often seen in the fire service. Chet was like the annoying little brother you loved but drove you crazy. He was filled with compassion but would pounce on anyone who showed a weakness. And then there was Johnny…

John, the youngest and often times the most vulnerable, was the only one he had been unable to reach. He was concerned but not overtly. John always spent time in the mountains when he was hurting. He had been through many tragedies in his short life. If anyone could have or should have become cold to the tragedies of others…John had every right. Somehow, the calls they ran seemed to bring out the more compassionate side of John. Where some would look at the people they ran on and say they deserved it or well, worse had happened to me, John seemed to understand what they were going through. Often times his sympathy for the victim affected him personally.

Hank didn't want to fret over not reaching John but that young man brought out the father instincts in him. It seemed like yesterday the John had spoken to him about his parents being killed in an accident. John hadn't gone into detail and after seeing his reaction to the call the night before he wondered if John's parents were killed in an auto accident.

Sitting back in his chair, he watched the sun set. His thoughts were of his friends and family. He looked forward to seeing them all the next night. He would try to call John again in the morning but until then he would send a little prayer up for John.

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No one had been able to reach Johnny. Each member of the crew had called the others to see how they were doing. Everyone seemed to be doing alright. However, they were all disappointed when they couldn't reach Johnny. Disappointed and concerned.

Johnny was the little brother on the crew. Each member cared for the other but it was different when it came to Johnny. Johnny was the one to always place himself in harms way. He was the one to jump in and help no matter what needed to be done. He was a great friend to all of the crew. Nevertheless, each member realized that although Johnny would always be there for them, he rarely allowed anyone to be there for him, no matter how hard they tried.

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Johnny had driven to his favorite spot. He set up his camp and went for a walk. The peace and quiet of the forest helped him to relax. Nearby he could hear the rushing water in the brook. The sound of the birds making their music rounded out what he called Nature's Band. No matter where you went on earth, you could always listen for Nature's Band.

Sitting next to the brook Johnny started thinking about his mother once again. He remembers sitting next to a brook with his mother as she taught him the rites of the Lakota. The first rite being the most important as it comes from within, peace. It is the understanding and acceptance of the universe and its powers. It is the understanding that the center of the universe lies within each soul.

As he meditated next to the brook, he reached out with his senses to become one with the forest. The peace found within the forest helped him to refocus and reestablish the peace within himself. Taking a deep breath in and slowly letting it out he felt more of the weight he had been carrying being lifted by the Spirits.

Experience had taught him that he could not forget. Now as he sat there relaxed he realized he needed to let go. Let go of the call but more important let go of the past. His mind was made up he would end this misery he had called his life the next day. He knew what he needed to do.

Back at his campsite, he pulled his sleeping bag from the tent and laid it next to the fire pit. He looked up into the evening sky. The stars were shinning tonight and for that, Johnny was thankful. He knew he only had one night to spend up here and wanted to make the most of it. The fire provided enough heat for Johnny to be comfortable.

He no longer felt trapped. He breathed a sigh of relief at having come to his decision. He knew it was right. He was afraid it might hurt some of the people he knew and cared for. Nevertheless, in the end he believed they would understand. He hoped they would be able to forgive and love him all the same. When he could no longer keep his eyes open, he fell into a peaceful sleep.

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Kel had tried to call Johnny as well. Like the others, he was unable to reach him. His concern for his friend grew. Having talked to Johnny about his childhood and seeing the lingering signs of the abuse he had suffered caused Kel to be worried. Was this going to be the call to send his young friend over the edge?

He thought back to Johnny's behavior during the debriefing. He hadn't expected Johnny to open up in front of his crewmates. However, he had counted on the open hostility he had displayed either. It hadn't appeared that Johnny was even paying attention.

Kel had learned long ago not to under estimate his young friend. Having lived through the atrocities of his youth, John had grown into a caring, respectful and respected young man. Though he had often believed he was a little younger than his reported age, never would he have thought a child of 16 would have been able to make it in the fire service without being found out. His hard work and dedication had paved the way for him to be accepted. His determination had earned him respect from his fellow peers.

Kel had often wondered if the reason Johnny had put himself in harms way so often was to try to prove something tot eh others. Now with the additional information he had he realized John wasn't trying to prove something to anyone. He simply didn't want to see anyone else get hurt. He still didn't see the value he had amongst his crewmates and his friends. He still had many of the doubts left from his childhood.

Sitting on the back porch of his home, Kel looked up to the sky and saw the stars sparkling. He hoped Johnny was safe. He hoped Johnny had found some way to deal with what had happened. He knew he would be there for his friend when he needed him. His final hope was that Johnny would actually allow him to help.

Their time in the mountains when they had camped had brought them closer together. Many times since, they had gotten together, to talk, to laugh and sometimes to solve a problem. John had impressed Kel with his outlook on life and how he dealt with the things around him.

Shaking his head and smiling, he remembered not more than a week ago when they had sat on this same porch and talked about a man he and Roy had brought in.

John had been rather upset about the man dying. He was afraid he had missed something. The man had simply complained of flu like symptoms. The more he had interview his patient, the more he realized this was not a case of the flu. The man had mistaken his nausea and vomiting for the flu when in reality he was having a heart attack. The man had passed away upon arrival at the hospital.

They had talked for an hour about what could have been done different. What they had finally agreed upon was that neither the hospital or John and Roy were at fault. The man hadn't realized what was happening and had delayed his care because of it. In all likely hood the outcome wouldn't have been different had they arrived at the hospital sooner. Johnny had finally accepted that he had done nothing wrong and that nothing would have changed the outcome.

Kel always felt better after talking with Johnny. He hoped Johnny had felt the same. Of all the people he knew, regardless of age, Johnny was an old soul. He had an understanding beyond his years. He often hid behind his childlike persona but when push came to shove, Johnny was a mature, focused professional.

Heading off to bed, Kel prayed for his friend. He prayed Johnny would be able to come through this. He knew his life would have a hole in it if anything were to happen to his friend.

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Roy looked in on his children again. They had had a great day and the kids were exhausted. He had talked to Hank earlier and was looking forward to the barbecue the next day. The others seemed to be doing alright as well. But his concern was for Johnny.

Johnny was like a little brother to him. He and his family had adopted Johnny in years ago. He chuckled when he remember the look on Johnny's face the first time Jenny called him "Uncle Johnny". The shocked look was quickly followed by a questioning look towards Joanne and him. They had both shrugged their shoulders.

"It wasn't us Johnny. Jennifer and Chris took a vote. You are now officially their Uncle. I hope you don't mind."

Johnny was smiling and shaking his head. "No…ah…I…ah… don't mind at all. I've never had anyone call me uncle before." Turning to the kids, he gave them a big hug.

"Uncle Johnny will you come play with us?" Chris loved playing with John. They would toss a ball back and forth or practice playing catch. Johnny was always nice and never critical of him when he dropped the ball.

"Sure, why don't you both go pick out a game and I'll be right out." Johnny was riding on cloud nine.

"God help him. Please keep my little brother safe. He is such a big part of my kids' lives. He is such a good influence on them." Roy closed the door and headed to his own room. Joanne was already asleep. He reached over and placed a kiss on her cheek before crawling into bed next to her.

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Dixie had just finished her shift when she walked to her car. She was tired and wanted nothing more than to go home to a nice hot bath. It had been a long day.

She thought about the men of Station 51. She was close to all of them. After Johnny and Roy had saved her life in the early days of the paramedic program, she had quickly found a soft spot in her heart for them. Through the years, she grew closer to all of them, through picnics and tragedies.

As she drove along, she thought back to the meeting they had had at the station. She hadn't expected the men to open up. She had thought it was pointless to go and talk to them.

However, she had been wrong. These men were different. They were a family. They worked, played, laughed and cried together. They were special and as a result, they were able to open up to each other and start to heal.

She had spoken to some of the other team leaders. They had had the experience she had expected. This is a man's job. If you can't handle it…find another line of work. She prayed they would all be alright.

"Maybe someday we will learn to take care of each other as well as we take care of the public? God help us all and keep us safe until then."

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