174Okay, I know that technically it's Sunday…but you could say that it's late Saturday night…and I know that I am also two weeks late with this…but see…well, I graduated the week I was supposed to update, and then the week after was this emotional roller coaster where I did nothing but cry and fight with my mother and my step-dad. But, I'm better now. The only thing that might get in the way of my writing is I start my babysitting gig on Monday and I'll be watching four kids four days a week from eight to one. But I'll still have afternoons, Fridays, and weekends, so I wouldn't worry too much. Anyway, sorry again and please enjoy.
P.S. Before you comment on it in your review, I know I didn't send sneak peeks, but that's because I rewrote the chapter ten bajillion times and that line just didn't fit. I'll try to get it in there because I really do love that line, and a few others I didn't end up using, but anyway, I'm sorry. For both things.
Previously…Five minutes later we were strolling down 11th Avenue. My hands swung awkwardly at my sides, and when it became clear that neither of us had the courage to grab the other's hand I stuffed them in my coat pockets. The silence became unbearable.
"Bella, we need to talk."
Edward POV (3:17 pm, Tuesday October 6, 2009)
"I know," she smiled sadly and put her hands in her pockets as I had done earlier.
"Do you want to start or should I?"
"I think I have quite a bit more explaining to do." She let out a single laugh, a weary smile on her face.
"I suppose you do," I chuckled once without humor.
We kept walking, the rain had quieted down into a drizzle, and I could feel the small droplets on my face. She was quiet for several minutes longer. The expression on her face made it hard to look at her without taking her into my arms, but I needed an explanation first.
None of this had been expected. In my wildest dreams I hadn't seen this being the reason for her disappearance, the reason my every dream was filled with misery and horror. Especially considering the fact that if she hadn't left, if I had always had my daughter and Bella with me, I would have been the happiest man in the world.
"I felt so guilty," she spoke suddenly, breaking the tense silence.
"About what?" as horrible as it sounded, I couldn't help thinking she had many things to feel guilty for. I wasn't quite sure if I had forgiven her completely yet. Nor was I sure if I could ever forgive her, though if I kept up with my track record she would be forgiven before the hour was up.
"All I could think about how I was taking everything away from you, how you would have given everything up so that you could be around for us. And don't deny it, Edward, you and I both know you would've given it all up. Julliard, college, music." And I couldn't deny it. She was right. There wasn't a single thing in the world I wouldn't have done for her, and our baby, had I known then.
"I kept playing it over and over in my head. I saw us sitting in that ridiculously overpriced restaurant and me choking on the words over imported Italian pasta, I saw us walking along the pier and being so distracted with what I was saying that I tripped as I told you, you caught me of course, I saw us sitting in your car, you refusing to drive until I told you what was wrong, but in every scenario the ending was the same. I ended up with a ring on my finger standing before you in a white dress – because you are just that old fashioned," she added as an afterthought, a small smile lit her face for a fraction of a second, and then it was gone. I almost smiled, too.
"And in every picture you were there; rubbing my swollen feet, holding my hair back as I threw up. You were holding my hand in the delivery room telling me how grateful you were for our baby, how proud you were of me. And the look on your face the first time you saw her, how proud and happy and filled with love. I saw you sitting in my hand-me-down rocking chair soothing her to sleep, whispering how much you loved her. I saw her saying her first word; saw that word being 'daddy'. You were there for everything, and as much as it didn't make sense, you were happy to be there. And I wanted it so bad, but I felt so guilty." She took in a shaky breath and I saw she was crying.
"Bella," I sighed softly and reached out to pull her into my arms, but she pulled away.
"No, I need to finish." She was almost glaring at me, but the look in her eyes made any anger she was exuding pity inducing, but I knew she'd hate that, so I let her go on.
"I was so nervous that night, despite the fact I knew exactly what would happen. I thought I would pace a hole in the floor. I was so anxious I was even more aware of the time than I would've been on a normal date. And when you didn't come…" she trailed off, a far off look in her eye, a look that mingled with fear and horror all the same. "I was so scared." The whisper was so low I almost didn't hear it, but the fear was unmistakable. "And then it was eight, and nine, and every possible scenario that I could conjure up flashed in my mind. You tripped down those ridiculous stairs…you got mugged at the store…car accident…Then when I finally had enough sense to call Alice, even she was scared, because she had thought you were with me and…and then Carlisle called, and my every worst fear was confirmed.
"You were out for a week, they kept saying all these horrible, horrible things," she shook her head as if to clear it, "That you wouldn't walk ever again… that you'd have memory loss… that you wouldn't wake up at all…" a strangled sob made its way past her lips and I had to fight again not to hold her until the pain went away.
"But you did wake up, and the doctor said you could feel your legs, and I was so happy, but then… then he said you didn't remember… anything… about me…and I knew what I had to do. Isn't it ironic that I didn't start second guessing myself until I was already two hundred miles away?" She looked up at me, tears shining in the gray light that filtered through the clouds. I couldn't speak.
"I've spent the last four years trying to convince myself that I did the right thing, and I'm still not sure, less now than ever, with you standing here," she looked down at her feet, wearing her favorite yellow canvas sneakers. I was honestly surprised they hadn't fallen apart yet, they were in a bad enough shape when we were in high school. I actually think she wore those on her first day at Forks High, the first day I met her. Who knew she would become such a huge part of my life, my whole life? I did, I realized, from the first moment looking into her eyes I knew I'd spend the rest of my life loving this woman.
God, I was such a pushover sometimes. I couldn't fault her for this, though I had every right in the world to. I was so furious with myself, but not with her. I wanted to hit something.
She had been trying to help me. She had thought she was doing the right thing, "saving" me if you will. She could never understand that I loved her more than anything, and everything else meant nothing if she wasn't there. In the end I'd gone to Julliard for my parents, and because there had been nothing else for me. Without realizing what it was that was missing, I recognized the void that was there, even if I hadn't known what was supposed to be filling it. And imagine if she had stayed… if the first thing I saw when I opened my eyes was her gorgeous face… glowing, maybe… if I had gotten to see her pregnant with our baby… to see our baby as a baby. The music had meant nothing to me, the school, the people in it; all that mattered was this woman, and unbeknownst to me, the child we had created. They were the only things that mattered, now or ever. But I'd been denied everything, by Bella, and I couldn't even be mad at her. I shook my head slowly and a tired smile stretched itself across my face.
"What is it?" I looked back at Bella and her expression was confused, though tears shined in her eyes.
"Can you believe I'm not mad at you?" I laughed again, oh, the irony.
"Yes, actually, I can. You always were incredibly stupid when it came to me." She looked down at the wet cement, little water droplets splattering the puddles occasionally.
"I'm stupid? Bella, you do realize that you were the one that took off pregnant thinking you could take care of yourself and a baby with no help from anyone, don't you? Which reminds me, I need to thank Linette. I'm forever indebted to her for how well she's taken care of you both."
"I do owe Linette quite a lot. That's Milla's middle name, you know. Linette," her lips turned up automatically at the mention of Camilla, and I felt myself smiling too.
"Is there a reason you picked Camilla? I like the name, I was just wondering if there was some specific reason," she had blanched when I asked why she picked the name and I knew she was assuming that I found it displeasing in some way.
"Camilla means perfect, I thought it fit, like father like daughter," she smiled at me suddenly.
"I'm hardly perfect, Bella," but Camilla was. I couldn't think of a better word to describe my daughter than perfect.
"I wasn't fair to her, either." Bella said suddenly.
"What do you mean?" I was thoroughly confused.
"You should've seen her on father's day, she was distraught. I'd been expecting it, but it hurt more than I thought it would, having her admit out loud that she didn't have a father, and knowing it was my fault."
You're so selfish, Edward. I hadn't even thought about that. Here I was wallowing in self pity that I'd missed my daughter's life, but she had grown up without me, without a father at all. Surely that hurt her, and I hadn't even considered it. I couldn't even imagine that. Had she wondered why I wasn't there, had she thought I didn't want her, didn't love her? No, please, tell me she knew I loved her.
"We need to tell her, Bella." Suddenly this was of very great importance. Before I had thought maybe we'd ease her into it, get her used to the idea of me before we told her I was her father, but I needed her to know now. I needed to tell her that I was her father and I did love her and want her and that I'd always be here.
"What?" she didn't know what I was talking about.
"We need to tell her I'm her dad." Bella's eyes widened, and then turned cautious.
"Edward, maybe she should get to know you first, I mean she-,"
"No, we need to tell her now. Or soon, whichever, the sooner the better. She just-I-,"
"Edward, Edward, calm down, what is it, what's wrong?" Bella cupped my face in her hands and her delicate fingers soothed the hysteria I was working myself into.
"I need to tell her, Bella. She needs to know-she-she needs to know she has a father, she needs to know her father loves her." My voice cracked, and Bella's eyes filled with tears suddenly, so I let the tears slip down my face as well.
My baby girl. My baby. The one person - besides Bella - in the world I was sworn to protect, love, cherish, the one thing in the world that god had saw fit to entrust me with, and I had not been there for her. I had not been there to witness her first breath, that moment when suddenly every man becomes the happiest man in the whole world. I hadn't been there to sing her to sleep when she was scared or put band-aids on her scraped knee. I wasn't there for anything, I had deprived her of a father. Every child needs their father, and I had deprived my daughter of hers. But I could not, would not, deny her of that anymore.
"Of course you love her, Edward, of course you do. I've always told her that you love her, always, she knows, she does, I promise," I saw the restraint to hold her own tears back, she was trying to be strong for me, when I had been strong for no one. I was no good at all, to her, to Camilla, I'd been a horrible son, a horrible brother, I was no good to anyone, and yet here she was, the love of my life, mother of my child, trying to be strong for me.
"I need to tell her, she needs to hear it from me, I need to tell her," being able to tell her myself was of vital importance. Not only for her, but for me, as well. I needed to know that I had at least done that much, that at least I had verbally voiced my love for my daughter to my daughter, even if that was all I had done.
"Okay, okay, we'll tell her, I promise, the second we get back," it was getting harder for her to keep her tears at bay, and I had not had the restraint to keep them away to begin with. I nodded into her soft hair, thinking how easy it would be to just stay here, wrapped up in Bella, her scent, her warmth, her love. But there was another girl out there that I needed to wrap up in my love; my daughter.
Edward POV (5:23 pm Tuesday October 6, 2009):
It was odd. We had not covered half the things we needed to talk about. I had not filled her in on my four years away - though, there was not much to tell - and she had really only described the ordeal leading up to my accident and directly after. And there was of course the brief vignette about the horrific father's day they had.
I tired not to dwell on that for too long. It was "in my nature" to "shoulder the blame for everything" as Bella had once so delicately put it. It was after the sixteenth birthday party she had single handedly ruined with her lack of coordination. Alice had been so caught up with me opening the gift she had gotten me that she had not heard Bella call from the kitchen for help with the cake. Alice had been so loud, in fact, that no one had heard Bella, not even me. And so, trying to be the independent, fierce woman she was Bella had attempted to carry the cake into the living room by herself. The huge, twenty pound cake, the cake that was not only heavy, but quite wide. Wide enough that Bella could not see her already unsteady feet, and so when encountered with raised flooring, she fell. The fall had catapulted the cake into the curtains - the very combustible curtains - and started the fire that nearly burnt my parent's hundred year old house to the ground. She had been so embarrassed, I don't think she stopped blushing - or crying - for the entire three hours the fire department had been there ensuring that the house was safe. In the end, all that was needed was some dry wall re-patching, new carpet in the living room, and new curtains. But I had felt so horrible for the state she was in, I had put the blame on myself. I mean, why on Earth did I have to be born that day? I couldn't have been born the next day, a day that maybe Alice would've been hearing better? I admit it sounds ridiculous, but at the time it had seemed like a good excuse - even if everyone looked at me like I was crazy, though they didn't blame Bella, either - but, of course Bella pointed it out in that ever so blunt manner I'd grown accustomed to. And in her frustration with my tendency to take the blame for everything, she ranted for another hour after the fire department left. And I loved her even more for telling me I was an idiot, because I knew she meant it with the utmost love and affection.
But despite all that, the fact that we had not resolved nearly anything, besides the fact that I was incapable of staying mad at her, though I already knew that, and despite that I still had to earn my daughter's love, her forgiveness, I felt strangely hopeful. For the mentally healthier, more optimistic Edward that had lain silent in the back of my mind for four years had awakened and re-discovered the picture I had painted for myself. The picture of a little house hidden up against the thick forest, my beautiful Bella and me chasing around little dark haired children with deep brown eyes in the large window.
Could I really have that? After years of despair and emptiness, could I feel that sort of happiness? The answer was in the amazing creature clinging to my hand as we walked slowly back to the little haven where our daughter awaited us. Yes, yes I could.
Edward POV (6:04 pm, Tuesday October 6, 2009):
"Gramma! Gramma! Mama and Edward are back!" she sprinted from her seat at the kitchen table, crayons scattering everywhere. How I longed for the day it would be, "Mama and Daddy are back."
"Yes we are, baby," Bella picked Camilla up and kissed her forehead softly before placing her gently on her hip. Leaving my arms Bella-less. But I wasn't complaining, because I'd never felt happiness like I'd felt it in that moment. Truly, there was no man in the world who had as much as I did.
"I helbed gramma wid dinner!" she exclaimed excitedly, green eyes filled with pride.
"You did? What did you make?" by the look on Bella's face I had a feeling she knew already, but asked for the sake of the little girl in her arms.
"Casserole!"
"What kind of casserole?"
"Cheese and Brockleee," she drew out the 'e' sound at the end of broccoli, laughing after Bella kissed her button nose.
"I imagine you're staying for dinner, Edward," I looked up at Linette. She had a knowing smile on her face, her eyes flickering to Bella and Milla every few seconds. A brilliant smile lit up my face as I answered.
"Yes, yes I'm staying for dinner." Bella was radiant as her lips turned up at the corners, and Camilla clapped again. I'm staying forever.
Edward POV (6:55 pm, Tuesday October 6, 2009):
"Okay, munchkin, let's get you to bed. Your mother is going to have a hissy fit if I keep you up late again." Bella glared and Linette had a smirk on her face as she picked up Camilla from the floor.
She had just finished reading to us, or attempting to read to us, a shortened, picture book version of Cinderella. The story never had me quite so enraptured, or was it the little girl reading it?
"No! Gramma, please?!" she begged.
"Honey, it's late, and you have school tomorrow."
"Actually, Linette?" Bella spoke suddenly, looking slightly nervous.
"Yes?"
"We, Edward and I, wanted to speak to Milla for little bit." Linette's eyes widened and I had a feeling she knew why we wanted to speak to her. I didn't personally care about her opinion the way Bella seemed to, though I understood why, because all I could care about at the moment was that I was going to tell my daughter I loved her.
"Oh, okay. But, Bella… are you… you don't want to wait?" her eyes flicked back and for the between Bella and I, much like they had done all night. But now she looked at us with meaning, trying to assess where we were coming from and why we were moving this so quickly.
"Linette," I spoke for the first time in a few minutes. She looked over at me, her eyes now concentrated only on my face. "I realize your concern, and I know this seems all quite rushed. But I've already missed four years; I don't want to miss any more. And she needs to know, and the only fair way is if I tell her. If you're worried that I'll change my mind, that I'll pick up and leave and not come back, it won't happen. They're my whole world, Linette, and if it had been up to me she would've known from the first moment she was born." Bella looked down at her hands, her guilt ridden expression made me abandon the non-attached façade I had been keeping up all evening for Camilla and reach over to wipe a tear from the corner of her eye.
"I trust you, Edward. Bella is a smart girl, and she wouldn't love you as much as she does if you didn't deserve it." I flashed her a small, grateful smile and she nodded. Linette carefully placed Camilla in Bella's arms and she reached out for her mother.
Milla had been looking curiously at the three of us during the exchange and was now looking expectantly at her mother and I. Her green eyes wide and fascinated with whatever it was we were going to say to her.
Linette walked quietly to her room, throwing one last look at the three of us before she closed the door.
I was at a loss as to how to start. Those green eyes seemed to look right through me and suddenly I was scared. What if had hurt her too much? What if she couldn't forgive me for not being here before? I wouldn't forgive me for not being here.
"Edward?" the small voice startled me out of my reverie.
"Yes, sweetheart?"
"Whud were you and Gramma talkind bout?"
"Your mommy and me need to tell you something, baby."
"Whud is dit?" I don't think she'd blinked once in that entire string of questions, she was so involved with what she was saying.
"Remember I told you that I knew your mommy from school?" She nodded quickly, her chestnut hair bobbing every which way.
"Well, I loved your mommy very much when we were in school; I love your mommy very much now."
"Ooh! Like the Prince loves Cinderella?" her little head tilted to the side, her eyes excited now.
"More than the Prince loves Cinderella." If possible, her eyes got even bigger and Bella's cheeks turned a lovely shade of red. I smiled.
"Are you a prince?" I laughed, she was so animated, so lively.
"No, I'm not a prince."
"He's a king." Bella whispered in her ear, just loud enough so that I could hear her too. Camilla's nose wrinkled in what appeared to be disgust.
"No! Kings are old and wrinkly, Edward's not old!" She looked at her mother, as if this was the most obvious thing in the whole world. I laughed and Bella failed to hide a smile.
"You don't have to be old to be a king," Bella lovingly corrected our daughter.
"Mama, of coursed dey are, kings are always old." Bella laughed again and kissed her forehead.
"Well, you're right, I'm not a king, but I'm not a prince, either."
"Den whud ared you?" she looked confused. Because if I wasn't a prince, and most definitely not a king, then what was I?
"I'm just someone who loves you and your mommy very much." She blinked, even more confused than before.
"You loveded me, too?"
"Yes, sweetheart, I love you, too. More than anything in the whole world." Her mouth opened in a little 'o' and she looked almost nervous.
"Susie's daddy said dat he loveded her more den anyding in the whole world, too." Her little face was apprehensive, her eyes scared…but almost…hopeful?
"Daddies love their children very much." She opened her mouth to say something, then closed it, like she was trying work herself up for what she was about to say.
"Are… are you my daddy?" the whisper was almost unintelligible, so low I barely heard it. But I did hear it, and while the tears gathered again in the corners of my eyes, I felt my mouth turn up into a small smile.
"Yes, baby girl, I'm your daddy."
SHOUT OUT TO MY FANTABULOUS BETA TOMMYXLOSER! She edited this for me, too, go figure.
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Sneak Peek of Chapter 9:
"Where'd were you, daddy?"